What's a good opening message after 2 months of no contact?

[zincmagnesium8]

9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Are you going to contact her again and attempt to take her out on a date??

I actually can't right now. She moved to another city which is under covid lockdown!

9 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Ok so when you told her you still have feelings and would like to meet up and talk what did she say?

Because in your OP you clearly stated you want to try and get back with her. Or are you now changing your mind again?

I didn't ask her yet. Covid has made things a bit more difficult now. Thanks for the negative tone of your post though!

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I was waiting for you to argue back, but you took the hint and didn't.

 

If you say so. It's your thread. I think people were responding to exactly what you wrote, just the giving things a 2nd chance part, not the how to do that part.

 

Glad you had your get back in touch moment.

I'm not trying to argue anything (although you might think this statement is an argument!). This is a discussion forum after all!

It was just a few messages back and forth giving each other an update on our lives since we broke up. Then it strangely turned into a very familiar conversation where we were asking each other what we were up to right now. Like being back in our usual routine.

I left the conversation at that point and decided to back off until the lockdown is over and we can chat in person.

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I left the conversation at that point and decided to back off until the lockdown is over and we can chat in person.

Do you realize how hot/cold that is?  You say never.  Then you are back chatting.  Now you are disappearing again.  Based on that pattern of behavior why should this woman trust you?  You are telegraphing that you are not reliable.  

If you want her back be consistent.  

[ld1991]

I've only read your first post on here on page 1...  but if you want to reach out to her then go ahead!   you could say something like  'Hey, I just want to tell you that I've been reflecting a lot, im sorry how things ended but I miss you, I said things in the heat of the moment and didnt know how to deal with it all. I would like to talk to you again and just talk about everything and see where we go from there..  thats if you want to?'   thanks  

Something like that should be fine, if you dont say something when you know deep down you want to then you will regret it. If things go bad after saying it then hey at least you learnt from it.  Good luck!  

[zincmagnesium8]

57 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do you realize how hot/cold that is?  You say never.  Then you are back chatting.  Now you are disappearing again.  Based on that pattern of behavior why should this woman trust you?  You are telegraphing that you are not reliable.  

If you want her back be consistent.  

Sorry I just mean that the conversation ended naturally when we both were going to sleep. I'm not disappearing! I have a feeling (hoping) restrictions will be lifted in the next two weeks and I'll gauge her interest before then. I think messaging her everyday is over the top right now.

51 minutes ago, ld1991 said:

I've only read your first post on here on page 1...  but if you want to reach out to her then go ahead!   you could say something like  'Hey, I just want to tell you that I've been reflecting a lot, im sorry how things ended but I miss you, I said things in the heat of the moment and didnt know how to deal with it all. I would like to talk to you again and just talk about everything and see where we go from there..  thats if you want to?'   thanks  

Something like that should be fine, if you dont say something when you know deep down you want to then you will regret it. If things go bad after saying it then hey at least you learnt from it.  Good luck!  

Thanks for the advice and well wishes!

[d0nnivain]

Messaging her every day is over the top but do stay in touch every couple of days if you hope to have a chance at putting things back together. 

[zincmagnesium8]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Messaging her every day is over the top but do stay in touch every couple of days if you hope to have a chance at putting things back together. 

I was going to check in on her every few days as she's in a new city on her own.

I don't want to play any games at all but at any point should I wait for her to message first? I was just thinking that if it's always me sending the first message shes probably not that interested in staying in touch. Or maybe she wont initiate any conversation because she's worried about getting hurt again.

I know its all hypothetical but I'm just preparing for the scenario.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I was going to check in on her every few days as she's in a new city on her own.

You reached out, now let her reach out. Volley, don't smother. Do not "check in every couple of days", it's like text tethering and policing, not to mention needy and clingy. Keep in mind you dumped her in a fit of anger, so she's probably over you and dating local men. That's why she's ok with the friendzone.

[elaine567]

You are going to have to show some positive interest past "catch up" messages, else you may fall into the "my new best friend" trap.
Women can be very good at making a best friend out of a ex.

Edited October 9, 2020 by elaine567

[zincmagnesium8]

 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You reached out, now let her reach out. Volley, don't smother. Do not "check in every couple of days", it's like text tethering and policing, not to mention needy and clingy. Keep in mind you dumped her in a fit of anger, so she's probably over you and dating local men. That's why she's ok with the friendzone.

Maybe you're right. It's hard to know what to do, especially after d0nnivain's advice. Fine line between showing interest and being needy/clingy.

Just now, elaine567 said:

Yes you are going to have to show some positive interest past "catch up" messages, else you may fall into the "my new best friend" trap.
Women can be very good at making a best friend out of a ex.

When you say "positive interest", what exactly do you mean? Asking how she is coping in the new city? How she is doing every few days? Like I mentioned above, it might be hard to balance being friendly, being interested and being desperate!

Maybe it would have been best to express my interests straight out over text to avoid this game and mental gymnastics I always find myself in.

[d0nnivain]

Positive interest ... at least tell her you want to see her when its again safe to do so

[elaine567]

YOU dumped her therefore it is up to you to tell her you want her back.
Forget about worrying about appearing desperate. She is either willing to reconcile or not.
Desperation  does not turn anyone off who truly wants you. If she wants you, a guy desperate to get her back can be rather attractive to her.
She wants to see passion and vulnerability.
If she doesn't want you, it doesn't matter how you come across, you can be as strong, confident and cool as you like, and she will still want nothing to do with you.

[Acacia98]

57 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

It's hard to know what to do, especially after d0nnivain's advice. Fine line between showing interest and being needy/clingy.

(...)

Maybe it would have been best to express my interests straight out over text to avoid this game and mental gymnastics I always find myself in.

The discussion forum was supposed to make things easier... 🙂 Instead, we all have different opinions and you're stuck with the task of trying to figure out who might be right.

[mark clemson]

38 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Forget about worrying about appearing desperate. She is either willing to reconcile or not.

⬆️⬆️  agree in the sense that - don't come crawling back, but if "the guy who broke her heart but she still has a major thing for" comes back in earnest, then IF she really does want him back, it seals the deal. A bit romance-novel-esque. No guarantees, but I could see this. 

Also you will find out if she wants you or not more quickly. You are probably hesitating because of the move and COVID - totally understandable, but - could part of it be you don't want to find out the answer is actually "no"?  You say you are not playing games, but by putting your cards on the table you will get your definitive answer quickly.

One bad thing - due to this move, IF she is going to be dishonest or cheat - well, being far away in a new city gives her ample opportunity to do this. So - is this all something you even want if you don't feel you can fully trust her?

There seem to be a lot of different factors to weigh in your situation, which may partly explain why you are going about it in a somewhat "standoffish" way rather than being direct.

Edited October 9, 2020 by mark clemson

[zincmagnesium8]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Positive interest ... at least tell her you want to see her when its again safe to do so

That's my plan!

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

YOU dumped her therefore it is up to you to tell her you want her back.
Forget about worrying about appearing desperate. She is either willing to reconcile or not.
Desperation  does not turn anyone off who truly wants you. If she wants you, a guy desperate to get her back can be rather attractive to her.
She wants to see passion and vulnerability.
If she doesn't want you, it doesn't matter how you come across, you can be as strong, confident and cool as you like, and she will still want nothing to do with you.

 

36 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

The discussion forum was supposed to make things easier... 🙂 Instead, we all have different opinions and you're stuck with the task of trying to figure out who might be right.

It's good to see differing opinions because I can now see that I'm not crazy when I'm struggling to decide what to do! I guess neither elaine567 or Wiseman2 are wrong. It depends on my ex. She could react negatively one, or even both approaches!

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

⬆️⬆️  agree in the sense that - don't come crawling back, but if "the guy who broke her heart but she still has a major thing for" comes back in earnest, then IF she really does want him back, it seals the deal. A bit romance-novel-esque. No guarantees, but I could see this. 

Also you will find out if she wants you or not more quickly. You are probably hesitating because of the move and COVID - totally understandable, but - could part of it be you don't want to find out the answer is actually "no"?  You say you are not playing games, but by putting your cards on the table you will get your definitive answer quickly.

One bad thing - due to this move, IF she is going to be dishonest or cheat - well, being far away in a new city gives her ample opportunity to do this. So - is this all something you even want if you don't feel you can fully trust her?

There seem to be a lot of different factors to weigh in your situation, which may partly explain why you are going about it in a somewhat "standoffish" way rather than being direct.

I'm not worried about a "no" at all. At least there's no uncertainty then.

Her having moved away has made me a bit more cautious for sure. I have read many stories of medium to long distance relationships struggling for various reasons. She tends to float around a lot for jobs so who knows, she could be in my city again this time next year.

If a relationship is not practical right now (I don't know that yet), is it better to keep my feelings under wraps or express them now and tell her I would like to try to make things work when (or if) it suited both of us?

[mark clemson]

36 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Her having moved away has made me a bit more cautious for sure. I have read many stories of medium to long distance relationships struggling for various reasons.

Certainly they are not for everyone. Personally I don't do them, I think it takes a certain "type" to do them successfully.

[d0nnivain]

Somewhere in her you wondered about expressing your interest straight up through text.  DO NOT do that! 

NEVER ever have emotionally laden discussions through text.  Save text for quick hits.  say hello.  Say I'm thinking about you but actually talk to her preferably in person if you are going down the road of trying to reconcile.  90% of communication is non verbal.  You will need all that info while trying to navigate this.  If you must do it when you are not physically together use a video chat feature so you can at least see her face & she can see yours. 

Do be straight with her but chose your communication medium wisely.   

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

It's good to see differing opinions because I can now see that I'm not crazy when I'm struggling to decide what to do! I guess neither elaine567 or Wiseman2 are wrong. It depends on my ex. She could react negatively one, or even both approaches!

True.

[kendahke]

On 10/7/2020 at 3:58 PM, zincmagnesium8 said:

I thought this was true until my friends, family and even strangers told me different. A friend of mine told me that she was in a relationship where she was dumped but couldn't bear to reach out because she was afraid of being rejected again. Her ex eventually contacted her and they did date again for a while before it ended for unrelated reasons.

I'm not saying that she does or doesn't want to hear from me, but there's no way of knowing. Assuming what she's thinking is what got me into this mess in the first place.

and none of your friends, family or strangers know the truth about what she wants--they are all gassing you up by speculating based upon what THEY would do.

If she hasn't told you directly, herself, that she wants to hear from you, then all you've got is what they would do if they were her and they can't speak for her.

And your friend, also, isn't her... so what she did or would do has nothing to do with what this ex of yours does/thinks/wants.

[zincmagnesium8]

 

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Somewhere in her you wondered about expressing your interest straight up through text.  DO NOT do that! 

NEVER ever have emotionally laden discussions through text.  Save text for quick hits.  say hello.  Say I'm thinking about you but actually talk to her preferably in person if you are going down the road of trying to reconcile.  90% of communication is non verbal.  You will need all that info while trying to navigate this.  If you must do it when you are not physically together use a video chat feature so you can at least see her face & she can see yours. 

Do be straight with her but chose your communication medium wisely.   

That's some good advice. It actually may have led to my downfall before, sending very emotional texts that could have been misinterpreted.

19 hours ago, kendahke said:

and none of your friends, family or strangers know the truth about what she wants--they are all gassing you up by speculating based upon what THEY would do.

If she hasn't told you directly, herself, that she wants to hear from you, then all you've got is what they would do if they were her and they can't speak for her.

And your friend, also, isn't her... so what she did or would do has nothing to do with what this ex of yours does/thinks/wants.

That's very true. All I was trying to say is that no one really knows and it could go either way. 

Is there really a right answer as to what to do? I figure most advice is based on a person's past experiences. Those who have reconciled successfully are going to say give it a shot while those who have had less luck are probably going to say it's not worth the pain.

I also figure that most people here have had ups and downs in their relationships and that negative experiences (either past or present) have led them to this forum. That's not meant to be any sort of criticism or judgement, but I figure that someone who has had a perfect love life is not seeking out advice forums and if I was able to speak to them and ask for advice they would say something completely different because of their experience.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody has a perfect love life.  Even people who have strong committed relationships & marriages have ups & downs.  Some of those people over came horrible paths. 

The only universal is really listen to your SO, which involved non-verbal communication.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Maybe I'm missing something, but the conversation you report sounds like a talk with a friend.  I take Elaine's positive interest suggestion to mean you gotta tell her you want to return to romance ... or make it clear you have romantic interest. It's like you talking to her while standing in the "friend zone." You gotta move over there to romance.

But you seem pretty confident of your path, so go for it and just see what the results are. 

[kendahke]

On 10/10/2020 at 11:27 AM, zincmagnesium8 said:

Is there really a right answer as to what to do?

No. Stop looking for guarantees.

You get into it and find out for yourself--it may work, it may not work, it may work for a few weeks/months and then fall apart. That is life and there has never been in the history of life on earth a guarantee that things will work the way you want them to.

[Acacia98]

On 10/10/2020 at 6:27 PM, zincmagnesium8 said:

Is there really a right answer as to what to do? I figure most advice is based on a person's past experiences. Those who have reconciled successfully are going to say give it a shot while those who have had less luck are probably going to say it's not worth the pain.

I also figure that most people here have had ups and downs in their relationships and that negative experiences (either past or present) have led them to this forum. That's not meant to be any sort of criticism or judgement, but I figure that someone who has had a perfect love life is not seeking out advice forums and if I was able to speak to them and ask for advice they would say something completely different because of their experience.

I don't know about other people, but personally, the way I conduct myself means that I don't walk away until I've tried everything reasonably possible to make a relationship work. So, by the time I'm done, I'm done. I know it cannot work and I know why it cannot work. There's no room for reconciliation there.

So I think it comes down to knowing yourself pretty well, knowing the other person pretty well, and having the experience to know what's healthy and what's not in the long term. 

Would I advise somebody else to reconcile? It doesn't depend so much on what I would do myself but on what the person manages to convey about himself, his girlfriend, and, why things went wrong. If it is clear that they are incompatible, then I think it's a waste of time for them to reconcile.

And to echo someone else, there's no such thing as a perfect love life. There are better choices, healthier choices. But even those can lead to relationships ending.

Edited October 12, 2020 by Acacia98

[zincmagnesium8]

I like that approach Acacia98. Right now I don't know if it cannot work. There's no clear cut reason in my own mind as to why I shouldn't pursue it further. There may be signs pointing towards a negative outcome, but also ones to a positive one. And until I know in my own mind that I've tried everything I won't get the what ifs out of my mind.

And just to update you all, I messaged her again to check in on how she was doing. We had another nice conversation and it seemed to flow well. Towards the end I told her that I missed talking to her and she replied with "haha I missed chatting to you too and its great to hear from you". I also said that she was on my mind and she replied "aww thats so nice of you to say. same to you!"

It didn't scream enthusiasm to me and it just sounded like she was just being polite. So I decided to pull the trigger and ask her to meet up to "see where things are between us" and she enthusiastically replied that she would "love to meet for a catch up". Catch up sounds more platonic to me but I guess I won't really know until we chat again. Messages don't always come across as intended, as I've learned to my detriment.

Maybe I should have been more explicit about my feelings, but I don't like getting "emotional" over messages. But I'm sure she knew where I was going with it.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

. So I decided to pull the trigger and ask her to meet up to "see where things are between us" and she enthusiastically replied that she would "love to meet for a catch up".

So has she agreed to a specific time and a place or is it just left up in the air?
"I'd love to"...