Sex w/ a friend while his fiancé on bachelorette getaway

[Bonifidelifelover]

Yes I’m the evil one I guess. Let me tell the story...A friend & I have liked each other for years & years (high school). We are both turning 45 soon. Over the years we’ve kept in touch. He’s always seemed very interested in me, like a long time crush. Over this time, since HS I have been married, had a few kids & He’s been in a few relationships & still no kids for him. This recent relationship for him 10 yrs. however over the years (thru his relationships) we made out a few times & there’s been tons of flirting, wether it’s been via text or social media. He’s very on the down low on his side.

Once I ran into Him at a festival & while his “Current girl” (fiance) was there somewhere, we kissed. He’s even sent me a dick pic, ugh. Nothing more though, until a couple weeks ago. He asked me to officially hook up saying we’re getting old. But wait let me back up. In May he proposed to his girl. I like him, always have, so I obliged to a weekend together while she was away on her bachelorette getaway in Nola. He will be married in a few days.

Why am I now on here? I feel guilty to the point of throwing up. But also confused. I am still married too. He says he’s cheated in every major relationship he’s had. The fiancé is beautiful when I asked why he was there with me in a hotel room, he said things had faded with her. He says they do their own things. He & I are still in touch but I’m thinking maybe I should cut him off for once & for all being That he will get married now. He told me he’ll always talk to me & for me to message him during work hours.

I feel bad for her. A friend told me to not tell her & I def won’t! I showed my friend messages he sent me about our night, they were explicit. My friend said she feels he’s crazy for me, but I think he will try to be faithful now. If so good for him. I guess I’m just lost a bit.

Part of me wants another night, part of me says he hit it & quit it, but my friend thinks that ain’t be the case. At the same time he’s been my friend, we’ve confided in each other over the years. And I think he’s gross for what he did to his fiancé. I’m gross too. During our weekend, we went to the store & he even wanted to go golf. My friend was shocked when I told her. He dedicated a song crush by Yuna to me. He said he loved our night together. He said he was still in disbelief it finally happened. But he’s happily marrying this Saturday. All the while his fiancé is happily sharing wedding stuff on Instagram. I’d love advice, thoughts, etcccc...sock it to me while I go throw up! 

Edited October 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed explicit language

[Mrin]

How does your husband feel about it?

[Zona]

If he is a known cheater, you are exposing yourself to potentially life altering diseases by hooking up with him, and in turn exposing your husband to these diseases too.

If you really want to pop the fantasy, confess to your husband.

[Bonifidelifelover]

The husband & I are in the midst of divorce. I have not been with the husband sexually since hooking up w/ the friend & we won’t. I am still technically married tho. Divorce is not officially done. U are right tho about diseases. I really don’t think he will try to hook up again anyway. 

[Watercolors]

Since you’re in the process of getting a divorce it makes sense that you had a weekend fling with your long-time guy friend. I’d be more worried about what STDs he potentially gave you. Did he at least use a condom? 

As to whether or not you should hookup with him again? Eww. He’s a serial cheater. And he’s cheating on his fiancé (soon to be wife). He’ll cheat on you too with his wife, if you become his affair partner. What’s the attraction to this guy anyway? Is it totally just carnal attraction or is there more there that emotionally bonds you two to each other? 

He’s trouble with a capital T. Trouble, trouble. 

 

[Bonifidelifelover]

Watercolors, no condom. No stds so far, it’s been 3 weeks since sexual contact. May I ask u define the trouble part? Trouble how tho? I like the video lol 
 

I don’t know why I’m attracted, he’s sexy, handsome. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[healing light]

He will put on the facade of a happy marriage, but a man who is cheating on the eve of his wedding isn't happy marriage material.

I would just put this in your rear view mirror and get tested. I wouldn't complicate your life by engaging in further rendezvous (nor would I tell the fiance if you don't know her, as she'll find out his true colors eventually since he can't keep it in his pants and the messenger often gets shot; not your circus, not your monkeys). I think palling along with him will only mess with your head and involve you in a lot of drama.

Take it for what it is, you scratched that itch and you're not really in a place to get involved with anyone while you're in the midst of a divorce yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Where the heck is your self-respect, OP?

This guy treats you like a toy. And you let him, at great risk to yourself. You're plenty old enough to know to at least use a condom. What were you thinking, there? You are likely not the only woman he messes around with, so please, do more to protect yourself in the future. 

Get yourself tested for STIs. Finalize the end of your marriage. And stop letting yourself be relegated to the role of OW. It serves you zero benefit other than fluffing up your ego, but OP, understand that he tells you whatever he knows will bring you running. It's just words designed to get you in bed. You should not be flattered by the attention of a creep like this. Find your self-esteem so you don't look to such men to validate you. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Cheating is like a bad infectious disease. Your bad marriage now infected his lousy engagement. He sounds like a snake. For you it's a bad marriage but for him it was just an easy opportunity.

[Starswillshine]

This guy is a player. Nothing he says or even does means jack. He knows how to play the game... 

Your friend is not being a good friend. He's crazy about you? I mean, I guess for some people having someone who wants to just use you and your body is flattering, but I'm sure you would want more than that. What he has said is just gross and disgusting. 

[FMW]

You're going to get hurt, badly.  He's clearly not a faithful guy and there are likely to always be other women - including his soon to be wife.  His being crazy for you, his feelings whatever they are for you, do not have the same definitions they have for most people, so evaluate them accordingly.  You said it - he's happily getting married to someone else, even though you will soon be officially available.  

I'm sure he will happily hook up with you after he marries.  Is that really how you want to start your new life after divorce?  Sharing a guy with other women, one to whom you are clearly emotionally attached?  The confusion you're feeling now is only a small taste of what you'll experience if you continue.   

 

 

[Wiseman2]

A "friend" who goes after easy pickings, is not a friend at all.

He knows you are in the throes of divorce desperate for any morsel of attention.

You didn't seduce him, he just saw an easy conquest.

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You didn't seduce him, he just saw an easy conquest.

Exactly.

OP
You are romanticising. 
See it for what it was/is.
Yes you can hang around stealing kisses and occasionally hooking up when his wife isn't around but you are never going to get anywhere with this guy.
He will take what you offer when it suits him, and leave you waiting around for any breadcrumbs he decides to throw in your direction.
Spend some time on the OW section of the forum.
It is a miserable existence being hooked on unavailable men.

[Fletch Lives]

So you had a one-nighter with a friend. While it's not something I would do, you guys act like it's the devil, lol

[pepperbird2]

Op,
whatever choices you make, you have to live with. It sounds to me like this went against your personal morals, but like the saying goes, you can't unring a bell. Learn from this and move on.

I would give some thought to telling his fiance what he's been up to. If he is a serial cheater, you could be saving her life.  Even if you're not, you'll at least let her know what she's in for.

[d0nnivain]

Why do you need us to tell you what you did was wrong & immoral?  You seem to know that but you don't care. 

What I don't understand is why you seem to care more about how the FI of the OM will feel then how your own HUSBAND will react.  Why doesn't he rate on your guilt trip?   

[ABernie]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I would give some thought to telling his fiancé what he's been up to. If he is a serial cheater, you could be saving her life.  Even if you're not, you'll at least let her know what she's in for.

I agree with this.  It will blow things up for you, but all my empathy is on her right now.  You know how hard divorce is.  Save her from that!

[Bonifidelifelover]

I love ur responses, exactly what I need the truth & clarity. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

It sounds to me like this went against your personal morals

 

How?  OP says she's made out with him several times in the past, one time at an event where the fiance was also there but just not with the OM at the time. This is just the first time she's had sex with him and she's made it clear she wants to do it again. IMO her post sounds like she wants people to say it's ok to go ahead and do it. 

Edited October 7, 2020 by Amethyst68

[mark clemson]

This sounds like a long term EA that has gone PA to me. You are the "special other someones" in each other's lives. Special to each other, at some level, but of course anathema to your H and his GF/stbW.

I think after 6 months to a year of marriage or so he will attempt to re-engage you. I'm going to guess there was something amiss in your marriage and rather than work on it you had him as a band aid (or perhaps you tried to work on it and it failed, since you are divorcing?).

IF you continue this, it will risk significant problems in his marriage. She may feel like her whole marriage was a lie, which is pretty awful.

As for you, if you are hung up on him, then it will make it tougher for you to fully emotionally bond with any new partner. Also, most new guys will NOT want a dubious orbiter "friend" around who you might cheat with, married or no, (and rightfully so).

So I think you're well advised to end this for everyone's sake. I think there is logic to telling her BEFORE she marries. If you wait until AFTER, then IMO keep it secret forever, so long as you have FULLY ended things, as that would be (even) more unfair to her. Telling will of course end your "friendship" as from his perspective you "blew up his life". That is sometimes the price of these things.

Assuming you end things and he marries, I suggest you DON'T stay friends with this guy, as you will likely just get sucked back in. Make it a full and true break for the sake of everyone involved.

[Bonifidelifelover]

Mark I appreciate ur input as it seems calm & a great perspective...I don’t wish to tell her tho. My attitude is it’s her problem. Am I wrong for this. I wouldn’t want to blow up his life. I feel that’s wrong to do, rather I just want to let it be. If he wants a happy facade then so be it. & no to the other post I don’t feel I need permission to hook up again. Since I’m divorcing I am actually looking forward to meeting new people. I don’t wish to be the OW.   

[mark clemson]

13 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

I don’t wish to tell her tho.

That's of course your call. Some folks see it as a moral imperative to tell, others see it as a moral imperative to stay out of the BS's life overtly/not disrupt things more than the already have. So there are two sides to the coin on this.

You say you have a lot of guilt, so if you don't tell, you'd better be prepared to swallow it.

If you're not going to tell, then DON'T go telling friends as they may spread rumors (affairs are juicy gossip) or happen to be one of those folks who feels it is a moral imperative to inform her. "Loose lips sink ships."  Possibly you could use some therapy, and a licensed therapist with an obligation to confidentiality would be a safe venue to unburden yourself a bit.

Edited October 7, 2020 by mark clemson

[Happy Lemming]

14 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

but my friend thinks that ain’t be the case.

I agree with your friend, I think he'll be back at some point.

Stop beating yourself up, you had some fun and enjoyed yourself.  You are both 45 year old adults that lived out a long overdue fantasy.

You just have to decide how you are going to respond when he contacts you in about month or so (that is my guess).  

He will call/text you. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

Happy lemming I definitely am beating myself up! Thank u for the encouragement. I have the feeling it was hit it & quit it but in the morning he gv me a big hug & kiss & messaged me after so the friend thinks what she does due to all that. She’s like hit it & quit it’s don’t act like that. But this is my first experience in this situation. I feel I’m strong enough to move on from this so I will plan to do so. His fiancé shared a post about their wedding which he in turn shared on social media & it made me want to throw up out of guilt. He married in 3 days! Good luck to them! 

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

so the friend thinks what she does due to all that. She’s like hit it & quit it’s don’t act like that.

A leopard does not change his spots... 

10 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

it made me want to throw up out of guilt.

Ignore the guilt... Life is short, have some fun.  It was a long overdue fantasy and those can be a lot of fun.

I had this woman business associate.  I utilized her company & products for many years and never tried anything, but always fantasized about having sex with her.  One day, she started flirting with me and one thing led to another and we had sex a couple of times.  It was glorious for both of us (or so she said).  She didn't want a relationship or anything long term and that was OK.  I very much enjoyed our encounters and still look back on them fondly.  Fantasy-fulfilled!!  YEA!!