Sex w/ a friend while his fiancé on bachelorette getaway

[Bonifidelifelover]

Happy lemming! Definitely my current feeling! We achieved what we longed for now it’s over!

[Happy Lemming]

@AngelinaCassy Yep... I'm 55 and I have no regrets.  I did what I wanted to with my life and enjoyed it as much as possible.

Although, it ain't over yet (and there is still plenty on my bucket list); I lived my youth to the fullest!!

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy could be juggling you as another side piece for years. Is that how you want to start your new life? I suggest you put all this behind you and get a fresh start. 

I personally believe it's bad karma to be involved with someone who's cheating. What comes around goes around, and you might find yourself the one betrayed in the future.

[Bonifidelifelover]

You guys, why do I want to believe so badly that he will leave me alone. Yet statistics, u guys, my friends & every thing I read says he may come back?  Why do I want to strongly believe he’s already forgot about me? Cause that’s what I’m hoping. 
 

@RubySlippersno I don’t want my fresh start like this, I’ve thought about it a lot. & no I hope no karma gets me  

[Bonifidelifelover]

The part that irritates me is that when I told him I had no issues with my husband cheating he said no he’s cheated on u, he’s a man all men do it. I refuse to believe this. I want to believe there are good men somewhere. My issues with husband were control & emotional abuse. I kinda felt he said that to make what he was doing to his fiancé as just something normal?!! 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

The part that irritates me is that when I told him I had no issues with my husband cheating he said no he’s cheated on u, he’s a man all men do it. I refuse to believe this. I want to believe there are good men somewhere. My issues with husband were control & emotional abuse. I kinda felt he said that to make what he was doing to his fiancé as just something normal?!! 

Well, of course he said something like that. 

This guy is incredibly self-serving, so he's going to say whatever he wants to convince himself (and you) that this is normal behaviour.  

[notbroken]

All men do NOT cheat.   I know at least one that does not.   Honestly, he's a total jerk.   Drop him.   Seriously.   Forgive yourself and move on.  Vow to stay away from 'taken' men.   Just way too much trouble and you could NEVER trust him.   He's bad news - for both you and any woman he is with.  

[FMW]

29 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

 Why do I want to strongly believe he’s already forgot about me? Cause that’s what I’m hoping. 

Not to ruffle your feathers, but I don't think that's true.  You have feelings for him, about what happened.  If you really thought he had already just forgot about you, you would feel bad I'm sure.

You don't need him to leave you alone - you need to learn to say no and/or not respond at all when he reaches out.  You're in control of yourself, not dependent on what he does.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Yes I’m the evil one I guess. Let me tell the story...A friend & I have liked each other for years & years (high school). We are both turning 45 soon. Over the years we’ve kept in touch. He’s always seemed very interested in me, like a long time crush. Over this time, since HS I have been married, had a few kids & He’s been in a few relationships & still no kids for him. This recent relationship for him 10 yrs. however over the years (thru his relationships) we made out a few times & there’s been tons of flirting, wether it’s been via text or social media. He’s very on the down low on his side.

Once I ran into Him at a festival & while his “Current girl” (fiance) was there somewhere, we kissed. He’s even sent me a dick pic, ugh. Nothing more though, until a couple weeks ago. He asked me to officially hook up saying we’re getting old. But wait let me back up. In May he proposed to his girl. I like him, always have, so I obliged to a weekend together while she was away on her bachelorette getaway in Nola. He will be married in a few days.

Why am I now on here? I feel guilty to the point of throwing up. But also confused. I am still married too. He says he’s cheated in every major relationship he’s had. The fiancé is beautiful when I asked why he was there with me in a hotel room, he said things had faded with her. He says they do their own things. He & I are still in touch but I’m thinking maybe I should cut him off for once & for all being That he will get married now. He told me he’ll always talk to me & for me to message him during work hours.

I feel bad for her. A friend told me to not tell her & I def won’t! I showed my friend messages he sent me about our night, they were explicit. My friend said she feels he’s crazy for me, but I think he will try to be faithful now. If so good for him. I guess I’m just lost a bit.

Part of me wants another night, part of me says he hit it & quit it, but my friend thinks that ain’t be the case. At the same time he’s been my friend, we’ve confided in each other over the years. And I think he’s gross for what he did to his fiancé. I’m gross too. During our weekend, we went to the store & he even wanted to go golf. My friend was shocked when I told her. He dedicated a song crush by Yuna to me. He said he loved our night together. He said he was still in disbelief it finally happened. But he’s happily marrying this Saturday. All the while his fiancé is happily sharing wedding stuff on Instagram. I’d love advice, thoughts, etcccc...sock it to me while I go throw up! 

 

If YOU were an Algebra problem...     I would first try to find the 'variable' that is the nostalgia regarding an old high school friend (and then subtract that from both sides ).

Because the appeal to that has to be so unique, and I WISH I could assess this without recognizing how natural it is for you (or most anyone) to have that draw  toward someone (mainly because he seems 'safe' - and because you can enjoy to such greater depth when it is somebody who seems familiar  since your formative years)

(LOL - I wish I could experiment in that arena  myself, just to know...)

 

Outside of the old highschool friend/crush/interest part...  he basically showed you what kind of morality he has... and it probably isn't anything one should be proud of.

 

IF it were as easy as   "solving for X and then doing the 'best' thing for all",     then you would just stop contacting him for the good of all involved.

 

I certainly would NOT tell your husband, and would NOT tell his wife-to-be.

 

If you need a way to live with yourself...     write it off as something that was so tethered to high school nostalgia   that you gave-in because of so many years of build-up, but that now you are purging that need/interest from your system for the good of all.

 

LOL - I adore so many of those from my high school...    I wouldn't know just where to begin...

(but you can be sure I'm not that eager to do-it   with your  high school friends...  even though they're younger)

[Bonifidelifelover]

@SincereOnlineGuy I love ur response, it made laugh ahhhhhh 

[Bonifidelifelover]

@fmw 

 

I think ur Very right  

[Ruby Slippers]

It's an ego boost for you. That's a sign you need to build your self-esteem so you don't rely on messed-up situations like this to validate your worth. 

[pepperbird2]

op,

I've got to say I don't understand the idea that you say you can't tell he because you don't want to her her or disrupt her life, yet you slept with her then finance.
Those don't balance out.

[Bonifidelifelover]

@pepperbird2 well I took advantage of the sexual encounter. I was curious I desired that & got it. Experienced someone I was attracted to for years & years. But why tell her? They are literally about to be married this Saturday. I don’t want to ruin their marriage by telling. If I can go to the grave with it then I will. So say I tell her? What will come out of it? It’s a destination wedding. Family is arriving, $ is on the line. He’ll be pissed at me, she’ll be devastated. I rather just stay quiet. I’m ok with staying shush. I got what I wanted. It was a fun evening & morning lol. Now let them go have their great marriage. He says she wants a baby. He says he doesn’t but he’s going to give in to it. This is his first marriage & it will be his first child. I don’t wish to ruin all that. I doubt she’ll find out about me. So I’m not telling 

[Bonifidelifelover]

One thing I won’t deny will be my curiosity about him. I can’t help it 

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

But this is my first experience in this situation.

No it's not. You wrote in your OP that you have metup with this male friend many times to make-out over the years, most recently when you and he and his fiance were at a music festival. You're 45 years old and you have known better your entire life, yet you choose not to care about other people's feelings and never have. Otherwise, you wouldn't act like this. That is probably why your husband is divorcing you. No offense.

[Atwood]

I'm sorry about the abuse you suffered from your husband, nobody deserves abuse and I hope you find healing in the future. 

As far as the cheating goes...I need to pick up on something you said. The marriage is already ruined. He's cheated on her and betrayed her trust and is now deceiving her and luring her into a marriage (where two people vow loyalty to each other) knowing that he will continue to pursue sex with you and other people. 

If I were her, I would want to know. This man is going to gaslight her, cheat on her, betray her every step of the way. They're going to have children that he doesn't want (which may or may not breed resentment) and then when he cheats, the children are going to endure trauma and betrayal because of their cheating father and loss going through their eventual divorce. She might not find out about you this time, but she will when he pursues you in the future or she'll find out about someone else. 

I repeat: the marriage is already ruined. You can't ruin it by telling her, in fact, you can prevent her from making a huge mistake. EVERYONE deserves the right to make an informed decision based on the truth when deciding whether or not they want to be in a relationship with someone. It's not right to steal that away from her. 

Yes they'll be upset/angry/devestated. Better that now so she can meet someone who actually loves and respects her. 

[pepperbird2]

2 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

One thing I won’t deny will be my curiosity about him. I can’t help it 

the more information you give, the worse not telling her sounds.
This goes beyond what you did. You say he likes to sleep around, and also that he know plans on starting a family. besides the fact that there's std's out there that can cause severe birth defects/fetal death, the impact infidelity can have on a family can really damage a child.


 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, AngelinaCassy said:

My issues with husband were control & emotional abuse. I kinda felt he said that to make what he was doing to his fiancé as just something normal?!! 

Somehow, base on your loose behavior I find this hard to believe. You don't seem to care about other people's feelings. Perhaps your husband sensed this about you -- your superficialness and called you out on it, and you didn't like being held accountable for your behavior, so you just shut down 100% from him as retaliation? I want to have empathy for you but it's difficult given your devil may care attitude about sleeping with your male friend knowing his fiance was at that music festival with you both. You clearly don't respect her and you or you wouldn't have done what you did. Not telling her, that's even lower.

[pepperbird2]

1 minute ago, Atwood said:

I'm sorry about the abuse you suffered from your husband, nobody deserves abuse and I hope you find healing in the future. 

As far as the cheating goes...I need to pick up on something you said. The marriage is already ruined. He's cheated on her and betrayed her trust and is now deceiving her and luring her into a marriage (where two people vow loyalty to each other) knowing that he will continue to pursue sex with you and other people. 

If I were her, I would want to know. This man is going to gaslight her, cheat on her, betray her every step of the way. They're going to have children that he doesn't want (which may or may not breed resentment) and then when he cheats, the children are going to endure trauma and betrayal because of their cheating father and loss going through their eventual divorce. She might not find out about you this time, but she will when he pursues you in the future or she'll find out about someone else. 

I repeat: the marriage is already ruined. You can't ruin it by telling her, in fact, you can prevent her from making a huge mistake. EVERYONE deserves the right to make an informed decision based on the truth when deciding whether or not they want to be in a relationship with someone. It's not right to steal that away from her. 

Yes they'll be upset/angry/devestated. Better that now so she can meet someone who actually loves and respects her. 

better she find out now than say ten years down the road when they have kids, a home and a completely entwined life. The pain right now would be like a pinprick compared to that.

[Watercolors]

18 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

I've got to say I don't understand the idea that you say you can't tell he because you don't want to her her or disrupt her life, yet you slept with her then finance.
Those don't balance out.

Exactly. You intentionally chose to sleep with her fiance behind her back, because he asked you to. He didn't force you. You are going through a divorce, you wanted to have sex, and your male guy friend provided you with the perfect opportunity. You just don't want to deal with the fallout b/c that's not how you roll. If you had a conscience, you would have come clean to this poor woman before her wedding to your sleaze bag male guy friend this Saturday. My guess is, you will carry on an affair with him the minute he initiates it after his honeymoon and it won't bother you one bit to be his affair partner.

[Watercolors]

29 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

@pepperbird2 well I took advantage of the sexual encounter. I was curious I desired that & got it. Experienced someone I was attracted to for years & years. But why tell her? They are literally about to be married this Saturday. I don’t want to ruin their marriage by telling. If I can go to the grave with it then I will. So say I tell her? What will come out of it? It’s a destination wedding. Family is arriving, $ is on the line. He’ll be pissed at me, she’ll be devastated. I rather just stay quiet. I’m ok with staying shush. I got what I wanted. It was a fun evening & morning lol. Now let them go have their great marriage. He says she wants a baby. He says he doesn’t but he’s going to give in to it. This is his first marriage & it will be his first child. I don’t wish to ruin all that. I doubt she’ll find out about me. So I’m not telling 

OP, please reread this paragraph. This was not written by a woman who cares about other people's feelings or ever has. What it shows me, is you are very immature for 45 years old. You got fantasy of having sex with him fulfilled and you are perfectly content watching him marry a woman who has no idea she's marrying a cheater. And, you still have feelings for him. You make the excuse that its a destination wedding blah blah blah, which is why you can't tell her. That's your superficial side showing.

If you had an ounce of empathy in your soul, you would call her today - Wednesday - and tell her that you slept with her fiance and that you felt she needed to know. But you've said you won't do that, b/c well, that means you have to take responsibility for yourself and you don't seem like the type of person who takes responsibility when she's supposed to. Rather, you blame other people for your actions, or you justify why you shouldn't be held accountable in order to avoid feeling responsible or feeling guilty.

I think you would really benefit from counseling. You really seem to lack empathy for people in general which is a sign of narcissism.

Edited October 7, 2020 by Watercolors

[Bonifidelifelover]

So he just posted a video of them in their destination Where they r marrying. U guys expect me to reach out to her??? Let me get this straight? 
 

& @watercolors I meant first experience in it being sexual and he’s on the verge this time of marriage, like this Saturday the tenth! The time I kissed him at the festival was 2012.

so who votes I tell her??? 
 

Id honestly be scared to tho! 

 

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

So he just posted a video of them in their destination Where they r marrying. U guys expect me to reach out to her??? Let me get this straight? 
 

& @watercolors I meant first experience in it being sexual and he’s on the verge this time of marriage, like this Saturday the tenth! The time I kissed him at the festival was 2012.

so who votes I tell her??? 
 

Id honestly be scared to tho! 

 

I'm not coming down hard on you because I'm a mean person. I'm being direct with you. I think you are superficial and using the wedding as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for your behavior. Your actions sleeping with your friend, have just contributed to ruining his marriage. You are ok letting his fiance marry him, knowing that he's cheated on her with you and god knows how many other women. You have the chance to do the right thing for everyone, including yourself. It may feel scary to you which is normal.

But the fallout if you don't is; he continues to cheat on her with you or with other women meanwhile having babies with this woman so there will be children involved. OR, you could come clean, which forces your slutty male friend to go into treatment for his sex addiction (if he has always slept around his entire life), or at the very least, go into counseling for whatever issues created him to be this way, and his fiance is free to heal from the time she wasted with your male friend, who cheated on her, until she is ready to find another guy who deserves her and marries her because he respects her. Your guy friend AND you do not respect this woman or you two wouldn't have had this fling right before his wedding.

Put yourself in his fiance's shoes. If you marry again and you find out after-the-fact that your husband cheated on you 3 days before your wedding, you'd be ok with it? Would you? Or are you not that type who even cares.

This isn't some Hollywood movie where there is a happy or ironic ending. This is real life and a marriage is on the line.

Edited October 7, 2020 by Watercolors

[Bonifidelifelover]

@Watercolorsu have me stressed & rethinking, let me think ... ugh omg omg