Sex w/ a friend while his fiancé on bachelorette getaway

[Bonifidelifelover]

Who else here thinks I should tell??? Help!

[central]

I'm on the fence about telling her.  However, consider this:  Over 70% of both men and women will cheat on their spouse, most within 5 years of marriage (Hite report from the early 1990s; the percentages are surely higher now).  You'd have to be very lucky or an amazing spouse to NOT have your SO cheat on you.  Odds are if you told and disrupt the marriage, they'll both do worse in their next relationship, and may even have difficulty forming one after this trauma.  Not that this makes anything right.  What would you want if you were in her shoes?  And while he cheated before marriage, he might not do so once he is married.  You don't know, and your intervention could be bad either way - with less chance of doing any good, IMO.

Edited October 7, 2020 by central

[Bonifidelifelover]

@central call me stupid but I have a feeling he will atleast try to be a faithful husband. I don’t know why I have this feeling. That’s even despite a friend thinking not! Part of the reason why I feel, what u don’t know won’t hurt u?!! 

[Wiseman2]

Both. You won't tell  now when you need the ego boost, but when this goes south, you may get hurt/angry and tell her. You realize this is not going to end well no matter what you do or who you tell.

The person  at most risk for getting burned is You. They will carry on, start their family, have their holidays, post their happiness on social media, etc and you? You will still be lonely and divorced when all is said and done.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, AngelinaCassy said:

so who votes I tell her???

I vote don't tell her, let her have her special wedding day.

Every bride deserves that.  Every woman dreams of their wedding day, don't take that away from her.

[Bonifidelifelover]

@Wiseman2 I think I’ll be ok. I’m not an ogre Who will remain lonely. And I wasn’t pining for him before & the sex was great but I don’t feel like I’m pining for him now. He chased me more than I EVER chased him. And watercolors correct I do lack empathy. Not just in this situation. I’m not sure why. 

Edited October 7, 2020 by AngelinaCassy

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I've got to say I don't understand the idea that you say you can't tell he because you don't want to [hurt] her or disrupt her life, yet you slept with her then finance.
Those don't balance out.

Respectfully, the sleeping with was covert, the telling would be overt. Since she doesn't know there is no impact of major significance (such as calling off the wedding). That is how it balances out.

I am not going to give an opinion on telling (for this particular case) except to say if you're going to do it, do it before the wedding; otherwise, if it were me I would 100% keep mum. Also END the affair 100%. If he texts you stupid "let's get together" texts, she may see them and then that blows things up, etc. Lots of risk with ANY of that.

Edited October 7, 2020 by mark clemson

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

..he’s a man all men do it.

Yep!! raising hand behind the cactus...  Cheating rodent over here.

Moreover, all of my guy friends cheated on their wives/girlfriends.

 

 

[Syd8]

20 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Yes I’m the evil one I guess. Let me tell the story...A friend & I have liked each other for years & years (high school). We are both turning 45 soon. Over the years we’ve kept in touch. He’s always seemed very interested in me, like a long time crush. Over this time, since HS I have been married, had a few kids & He’s been in a few relationships & still no kids for him. This recent relationship for him 10 yrs. however over the years (thru his relationships) we made out a few times & there’s been tons of flirting, wether it’s been via text or social media. He’s very on the down low on his side.

Once I ran into Him at a festival & while his “Current girl” (fiance) was there somewhere, we kissed. He’s even sent me a dick pic, ugh. Nothing more though, until a couple weeks ago. He asked me to officially hook up saying we’re getting old. But wait let me back up. In May he proposed to his girl. I like him, always have, so I obliged to a weekend together while she was away on her bachelorette getaway in Nola. He will be married in a few days.

Why am I now on here? I feel guilty to the point of throwing up. But also confused. I am still married too. He says he’s cheated in every major relationship he’s had. The fiancé is beautiful when I asked why he was there with me in a hotel room, he said things had faded with her. He says they do their own things. He & I are still in touch but I’m thinking maybe I should cut him off for once & for all being That he will get married now. He told me he’ll always talk to me & for me to message him during work hours.

I feel bad for her. A friend told me to not tell her & I def won’t! I showed my friend messages he sent me about our night, they were explicit. My friend said she feels he’s crazy for me, but I think he will try to be faithful now. If so good for him. I guess I’m just lost a bit.

Part of me wants another night, part of me says he hit it & quit it, but my friend thinks that ain’t be the case. At the same time he’s been my friend, we’ve confided in each other over the years. And I think he’s gross for what he did to his fiancé. I’m gross too. During our weekend, we went to the store & he even wanted to go golf. My friend was shocked when I told her. He dedicated a song crush by Yuna to me. He said he loved our night together. He said he was still in disbelief it finally happened. But he’s happily marrying this Saturday. All the while his fiancé is happily sharing wedding stuff on Instagram. I’d love advice, thoughts, etcccc...sock it to me while I go throw up! 

Interesting. A friend asked you for sex and you said yes. I posted a thread about this and am getting beat up pretty good because I intend on asking a female acquaintance for sex. I guess in this situation it's ok huh? 

[Bonifidelifelover]

First off omg @Happy Lemming LoL eek

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, central said:

Odds are if you told and disrupt the marriage, they'll both do worse in their next relationship, and may even have difficulty forming one after this trauma.

And what do you base those odds on? If she doesn't come clean, the fiance WILL find out and then if by that time they have children together, events will unfold in much worse way; expensive divorce lawyer, custody battles in family court. This trauma already exists. There's no stopping it now. What the OP does in the next 48 hours is crucial.

OP, you are not responsible for how your guy friend and his fiance react to the news of your cheating. If you keep it to yourself, you have to live with that. And, that gives your guy friend the green light to contact you again for continual sex with him. If you say nothing, you give him permission to continue to act like the cad he is. If you speak up, you are honoring yourself, and you are respecting the fiance as she has a right to know. What she does with that information is not your responsibility -- it's hers.

Either way, you have to live with yourself and you need to think about what that looks like for you.

[Bonifidelifelover]

@Syd8 are u married tho? Or about to be? Need more info. In our case the about to be MM & I have crushed on each other for ages...the night we were finally together sexually he asked me “why didn’t we ever date”?? I replied: I don’t know. 
 

so I finally gave in! That Monday after we hooked up & his fiancé was due back from her bachelorette he messaged me asking how i liked it! He said he loved it. I honestly felt relief that it was great sex because we had years of built up sexual attraction. I was worried it’d be a dud! It was not. 

[Watercolors]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yep!! raising hand behind the cactus...  Cheating rodent over here.

Moreover, all of my guy friends cheated on their wives/girlfriends.

 

 

That's horrible.

[Bonifidelifelover]

@Watercolors 

If I tell it’s just a bomb an atomic one, I selfishly don’t wish to deal with   Going no contact at this point I feel makes me look jealous too so I don’t want to do that. I honestly don’t think he’ll reach out. I maybe want this to just poof disappear but I’m figuring out how to make that happen. 

[Watercolors]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Both. You won't tell  now when you need the ego boost, but when this goes south, you may get hurt/angry and tell her. You realize this is not going to end well no matter what you do or who you tell.

The person  at most risk for getting burned is You. They will carry on, start their family, have their holidays, post their happiness on social media, etc and you? You will still be lonely and divorced when all is said and done.

Exactly. Tell or don't tell, the only person who ends up alone here is you. If you don't want to tell the fiance before the wedding, what will you do when your guy friend texts you to carry on having sex with him? His wife will find out and then you'll still be where you are now - the other woman. This won't stay secret forever, if you tell her now or she finds out later in the marriage. She will find out.

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

@Watercolors 

If I tell it’s just a bomb an atomic one, I selfishly don’t wish to deal with   Going no contact at this point I feel makes me look jealous too so I don’t want to do that. I honestly don’t think he’ll reach out. I maybe want this to just poof disappear but I’m figuring out how to make that happen. 

Yes but this kind of news always have explosive side effects for all involved. Good luck with what you decide to do. Just make sure at the end of the day, you can feel good about yourself with your decision. If you can't then it is the wrong decision.

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

That's horrible.

OK... but it is... what it is.

I kind of feel like my guy friends were pretty much "average Joes". 

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

OK... but it is... what it is.

I kind of feel like my guy friends were pretty much "average Joes". 

Here's the psychology of what cheaters think when they cheat on their significant other.

https://www.bustle.com/p/10-things-no-one-tells-you-about-the-way-cheaters-think-according-to-psychologists-11765892

1. They fear conflict.
2. They fear confrontation.
3. They feel hopeless.
4. Cheating is a last-ditch effort for them.
5. Sex is just a part of the reason for cheating.
6. They view cheating as "evening the score."
7. They have issues with 'power' and 'control.'
8. They minimize their actions by rationalizing them.
9. They have either low self-esteem or narcissistic personality traits.
10. They don't feel emotionally intimate with their partner so they fake it with them, and seek emotional intimacy with their affair partner.

[Bonifidelifelover]

Yikes. Thank u for sharing that info @Watercolors 

 

may I ask, why do I feel my situation will be different. In that we can easily let go. That this is over? Seems like odds say otherwise. *sigh 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Syd8 said:

Interesting. A friend asked you for sex and you said yes. I posted a thread about this and am getting beat up pretty good because I intend on asking a female acquaintance for sex. I guess in this situation it's ok huh? 

It happened because it was the culmination of a long time crush.  If you had a long term mutual crush or flirting with her....or even if she thought you were hot, you'd be getting vastly different responses.  

[major_merrick]

2 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Who else here thinks I should tell??? Help!

NO!!!  Leave it alone.  Not your life, not your business.  If you want out, then butt out.  If not, then it'll look like you're trying to grab him and you'll face both her anger, his anger, etc....

Not that my situation is the same as yours, but my husband and I were long-term friends.  Looking back, during his first marriage it was definitely "emotional affair" territory but we were separated by distance.  Years later, we're married!  I don't think your guy sounds like relationship material since he can't keep his hands to himself, but that was also what people said about me years ago and I've managed the "not cheating" part for quite a while now. 

I guess what I'm saying is:  Don't ruin a friendship, don't burn bridges, just leave the thing alone.  You never know where life is going to take you.  Be yourself, be cautious, don't invite his advances, etc... 

[salparadise]

22 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

may I ask, why do I feel my situation will be different. In that we can easily let go. That this is over? Seems like odds say otherwise. 

Eh, sex happens. There is nothing earthshaking here. You got a schtup from an old crush as you're finalizing a divorce. He had a bachelor party while the bride-to-be was away doing bachelorette things. This wouldn't even be an exciting headline for the church newsletter.

But... What you choose from here on will have serious implications. I'll give him a month as the faithful husband. If you decide to give him another shag you're almost certainly going to get attached and officially become the OW, a mistress. It will leave you stuck in a no-win situation. From a moralist point of view, knowingly schtupping a married man is a whole lot different. I think you'd be nuts to allow another round after they're married. Respect the marriage, and respect yourself. Call it a one and done, don't ruminate. And for God's sake don't tell the fiancé. Sheesh!

[Happy Lemming]

59 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

1. They fear conflict.

2. They fear confrontation.
3. They feel hopeless.
4. Cheating is a last-ditch effort for them.
5. Sex is just a part of the reason for cheating.
6. They view cheating as "evening the score."
7. They have issues with 'power' and 'control.'
8. They minimize their actions by rationalizing them.
9. They have either low self-esteem or narcissistic personality traits.
10. They don't feel emotionally intimate with their partner so they fake it with them, and seek emotional intimacy with their affair partner.

Doesn't apply to me...

(1) & (2), I have no fear.

(3) Never felt hopeless.

(4) Plenty of women out there, never had a problem dating, so nothing is a "last ditch" decision

(5) Sex is the only reason I cheated

(6) not for me

(7) possibly, I don't like when women use sex to attempt to control/punish me and I'll bail fairly quickly (if they do).

(8) Don't need to rationalize anything I do

(9) Not me... no problem with my self esteem

(10) I've felt emotionally intimate/close with some women and not with others.

I'm actually a pretty simple man...  If my current girlfriend is not "draining my crankcase" on a regular basis, I seek out a woman who will.

[Bonifidelifelover]

@Happy Lemming You crack me up 

[Bonifidelifelover]

24 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Eh, sex happens. There is nothing earthshaking here. You got a schtup from an old crush as you're finalizing a divorce. He had a bachelor party while the bride-to-be was away doing bachelorette things. This wouldn't even be an exciting headline for the church newsletter.

But... What you choose from here on will have serious implications. I'll give him a month as the faithful husband. If you decide to give him another shag you're almost certainly going to get attached and officially become the OW, a mistress. It will leave you stuck in a no-win situation. From a moralist point of view, knowingly schtupping a married man is a whole lot different. I think you'd be nuts to allow another round after they're married. Respect the marriage, and respect yourself. Call it a one and done, don't ruminate. And for God's sake don't tell the fiancé. Sheesh!

Thank u for ur input!! One & done lol