Sex w/ a friend while his fiancé on bachelorette getaway

[Happy Lemming]

@AngelinaCassy

I think I need to add that I was working on a fixer-upper home at the time (preparing it for sale).  My plan, when it sold was to move to a new location.  "G" was very excited about the prospect of moving to a new part of the country, as I continued my nomadic & "house flipping" ways.  She was completely "on board" with my wanderlust lifestyle or so she said. 

Perhaps moving away from her mother and other family would have been a bit too much, we'll never know.

I've never been into social media and have moved around quite a bit.  So there is little to no electronic "foot print" of me to track down.  It would be a herculean feat for her to locate me.

[FMW]

3 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Changed how?

Your posts tell a story, revealing how you are looking at this.  At first you seemed to be conflicted and feeling bad, but now I don't truly think you feel bad, just thinking you have one up on the fiance.

Again, not beating you up, your feelings are your feelings.  But own them.

[Bonifidelifelover]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

@AngelinaCassy

I think I need to add that I was working on a fixer-upper home at the time (preparing it for sale).  My plan, when it sold was to move to a new location.  "G" was very excited about the prospect of moving to a new part of the country, as I continued my nomadic & "house flipping" ways.  She was completely "on board" with my wanderlust lifestyle or so she said. 

Perhaps moving away from her mother and other family would have been a bit too much, we'll never know.

I've never been into social media and have moved around quite a bit.  So there is little to no electronic "foot print" of me to track down.  It would be a herculean feat for her to locate me.

Wow ok. I think u do miss her then! & think of her obviously  

[Bonifidelifelover]

25 minutes ago, FMW said:

Your posts tell a story, revealing how you are looking at this.  At first you seemed to be conflicted and feeling bad, but now I don't truly think you feel bad, just thinking you have one up on the fiance.

Again, not beating you up, your feelings are your feelings.  But own them.

I definitely do feel I have one up On her, but at the same time I feel sorry for her. Especially knowing the history between him n I, the things he said, things we did. That big hug & kiss in the morning. The things he said days after. I feel bad I do. Despite how I come off, but I also enjoyed the time. 🥴 I’m owning. Don’t see how I’m not. 

[Happy Lemming]

18 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Wow ok. I think u do miss her then! & think of her obviously  

This was 25+ years ago, I can recall our interaction, but no I don't miss her. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the more you write, the more I sense that not telling her has a lot more to do with saving your own skin and keeping him around rather than not blowing up her world. You know it would reflect poorly on you if this came to light. You know he would be angry with you. I don't buy it has anything to do with sensitivity for his wife's feelings. You might as well be honest with yourself here. 

And as for the 30-year friendship? The goalposts changed when you started an affair together. So you can forget going back to being just friends. It won't work and it's not the way to live your life. 

I assume you eventually would like to have another relationship, after your divorce is finalized and you're ready to date. Staying friends with this clown is going to hinder that and complicate things. You've already made a few bad decisions along the way. Now is the time to set yourself straight on a less self-destructive path. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

I definitely do feel I have one up On her. 

Did your husband cheat on you? Revenge cheating is unfortunately quite common.

It's not your job to be the moral police and tell his wife. 

Do you still live with your husband? Sounds like this is a very temporary ego boost for you.

You'll find lots of cheaters to chitchat with about your escapades. It's your way of reliving things to avoid your dying marriage.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

12 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Changed how? 
 

and no, not jealous. If I was I’d act quite different. Understand, I could have slept with this friend at anytime of the years. Just last year I was asking him when he was going to marry this girl. If I was so jealous I’d wish to cause her pain by telling her.  I can imagine the pain & humiliation that I could cause her. I have the power to do that yet I won’t. She’s done nothing to me to want to cause her such misery. Things I do know of her over the years make her out to be a sweet person. Yes I cared more about being with her man than her feelings, but not to that point of tearing her her feelings apart due to jealousy.  If he slips up on his end and she finds out then, that’s his fault. I won’t let it be mine tho. And he keeps resharing some of her posts. That’s how I’m seeing the stuff. 

Oh gee, thanks for not sleeping with her man sooner. That’s very kind and thoughtful of you! 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/7/2020 at 5:32 PM, AngelinaCassy said:

@Wiseman2 I think I’ll be ok. I’m not an ogre Who will remain lonely. And I wasn’t pining for him before & the sex was great but I don’t feel like I’m pining for him now. He chased me more than I EVER chased him. And watercolors correct I do lack empathy. Not just in this situation. I’m not sure why. 

Look up the word “sociopath” for more understanding.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

14 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many years ago, I dated a married woman.  Her husband paid no attention to her and didn't touch her.  All he wanted was to be at work. Even on his days off, he'd wander into work.  She was quite sad and lonely.

A mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off.  The sex was incredible... "no" was not in her vocabulary.  In addition to non-stop sex, she loved to dance and boy did we hit the clubs and dance.  We also traveled and adventured everywhere.   She told her husband she was going out of town with a girlfriend and we'd go on weekend trips everywhere, camping, hiking, star gazing... if my tent could tell stories, OMG!!

The point I'm making is... as for the "fun" part of your life, enjoy.  No need to plan for tomorrow, no need to re-think and re-hash your decisions.  If its fun, go for it!  You only get one life, do whatever makes you happy!!

That poor married woman. How DARE her husband go to work to support them. Thank goodness you showed up to save the day! 🙄

[EPC82]

AngelinaCassy,

I think you are completely capable to remaining friends with him. If you don't want to be an OW just don't be. It was a great night and morning, a fantasy fulfilled and thats that. You are in control of what happens in your own life, and he's in control of what happens in his. 

I would suggest you just move forward, heal from your wreckage of a marriage and date when you're ready. One night of sex does not a pining-love-affair make. 

If he reaches out and mentions getting together again...which he most definitely will...just laugh and it off and don't have sex with him! Hold on to your power. If you give in you will find yourself being an OW and he will have all of your power. 

Speaking from experience. 

 

[elaine567]

42 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

One night of sex does not a pining-love-affair make. 

The problem being this was not one night of meaning less sex, it was the culmination of years of what ifs and maybes and a growing longing.
It also did not disappoint..

11 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

I definitely do feel I have one up On her, but at the same time I feel sorry for her. Especially knowing the history between him n I, the things he said, things we did. That big hug & kiss in the morning. The things he said days after.

^^^these are the hooks, and what I guess makes a replay inevitable.
 

[Bonifidelifelover]

1 hour ago, EPC82 said:

AngelinaCassy,

I think you are completely capable to remaining friends with him. If you don't want to be an OW just don't be. It was a great night and morning, a fantasy fulfilled and thats that. You are in control of what happens in your own life, and he's in control of what happens in his. 

I would suggest you just move forward, heal from your wreckage of a marriage and date when you're ready. One night of sex does not a pining-love-affair make. 

If he reaches out and mentions getting together again...which he most definitely will...just laugh and it off and don't have sex with him! Hold on to your power. If you give in you will find yourself being an OW and he will have all of your power. 

Speaking from experience. 

 

Jesus Christ! Finally someone who gets it. I love this response the most! Exactly what I want & feel! Thank u! I’ll do just that! 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Jesus Christ! Finally someone who gets it. I love this response the most! Exactly what I want & feel! Thank u! I’ll do just that! 

You finally got an answer you wanted.  It took 6 pages but someone finally told you what you wanted to hear.

[Bonifidelifelover]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, the more you write, the more I sense that not telling her has a lot more to do with saving your own skin and keeping him around rather than not blowing up her world. You know it would reflect poorly on you if this came to light. You know he would be angry with you. I don't buy it has anything to do with sensitivity for his wife's feelings. You might as well be honest with yourself here. 

And as for the 30-year friendship? The goalposts changed when you started an affair together. So you can forget going back to being just friends. It won't work and it's not the way to live your life. 

I assume you eventually would like to have another relationship, after your divorce is finalized and you're ready to date. Staying friends with this clown is going to hinder that and complicate things. You've already made a few bad decisions along the way. Now is the time to set yourself straight on a less self-destructive path. 

I wouldn’t call this an affair. It’s over as far as the hooking up goes 

[mark clemson]

⬆️⬆️ - not to be mean, but the phrase "famous last words" comes to mind. You may be right - guess you will see.

So what are you doing about the divorce you are going through?

[Bonifidelifelover]

49 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

⬆️⬆️ - not to be mean, but the phrase "famous last words" comes to mind. You may be right - guess you will see.

So what are you doing about the divorce you are going through?

@mark clemson the divorce is proceeding. With covid there are delays but it’s moving along. I left due to some emotional, verbal abuse. He has major control issues that I’ve dealt with for years. 
 

crazy thing...So the husband & I split up 16 yrs ago. We never divorced just split up for a good two yrs. During that time the “friend” I’m speaking of we hooked up then. Just kissed. He knows all my relationship stuff. I know his. Even back in high school when I had a boyfriend I’d confide in him, he liked me. He’s just always always been there. One time during the husband & I’d split ages ago I ran into him at the club we danced. But then I late left without saying bye, he came running out of the club chased me to the parking lot, we made out! It’s so weird the history we have... he was off Facebook for yrs then who pops up at the beginning of the year & messages me! Yup. I trip out on our connectedness over the years. When we recently hung out we reminisced over some stuff & laughed. That’s when he asked me why hadn’t we ever actually dated?  That’s why it’s hard to not be his friend anymore. 

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

That poor married woman. How DARE her husband go to work to support them. Thank goodness you showed up to save the day! 🙄

No skin off my nose... I got laid and it didn't cost me a dime.  The sex was phenomenal!!

How is it my fault her husband didn't want to touch her, his loss... my gain!

Also, she had this great 4 X 4 that we took up and down the coast on our camping adventures, it was a BLAST!

Some nights (if he was working late), she'd come over my house, bring me dinner, help me work on the "fixer-upper" house and have sex with me.  WIN-WIN-WIN (for me)!!

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

It’s over as far as the hooking up goes 

Given his living arrangements with his new wife, I'm pretty sure this guy is going to show up at your doorstep.

He had a good time, enjoyed himself and I'll bet you "dollars to doughnuts" he is RIGHT NOW thinking about you.

The question is... when he shows up at your home, do you let him in or not??

[Bonifidelifelover]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

No skin off my nose... I got laid and it didn't cost me a dime.  The sex was phenomenal!!

How is it my fault her husband didn't want to touch her, his loss... my gain!

Also, she had this great 4 X 4 that we took up and down the coast on our camping adventures, it was a BLAST!

Some nights (if he was working late), she'd come over my house, bring me dinner, help me work on the "fixer-upper" house and have sex with me.  WIN-WIN-WIN (for me)!!

Bahahaha I love ur attitude @Happy Lemming

[pepperbird2]

OP,

What was done is done- there's no going back. I just always find it sort of sad that the one's who think it's no big deal when someone has an affair are almost never the ones to be impacted by it. They can move on while others pay the price for their fun times.

I know you feel that you have this out of your system and it won't happen again. I hope you;r right. To help make your decision stick, I'd advise you to stop by the 'infidelity"section on here, or, for that matter, any website that addresses the topic from the perspective of the spouse who was cheated on. You don't come off as a mean or cruel person to me at all, so I don't expect any of that will sit well with you.

Read the stories and feel their heartache. What was just one night fling for you is so much more to this guy's bs- and you helped to cause that. You also say you were mentally/emotionally abused by you soon to be ex. I don't want to get into a debate about whether or not cheating ( especially serial cheating) is a form of spousal abuse, but to many, it is. Do you really want to be involved in another person having to go through that?

In the end, you are the one who has to feel good about the person looking back at herself in the mirror. Way deep down, how does all this make you feel?

[pepperbird2]

8 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Bahahaha I love ur attitude @Happy Lemming

You love selfishness? How would you feel, being the BS and that you've become the brunt of a joke you don't even know about?

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Bahahaha I love ur attitude @Happy Lemming

Of course, because it enables your own crappy behaviour. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

25 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

What was done is done- there's no going back. I just always find it sort of sad that the one's who think it's no big deal when someone has an affair are almost never the ones to be impacted by it. They can move on while others pay the price for their fun times.

I know you feel that you have this out of your system and it won't happen again. I hope you;r right. To help make your decision stick, I'd advise you to stop by the 'infidelity"section on here, or, for that matter, any website that addresses the topic from the perspective of the spouse who was cheated on. You don't come off as a mean or cruel person to me at all, so I don't expect any of that will sit well with you.

Read the stories and feel their heartache. What was just one night fling for you is so much more to this guy's bs- and you helped to cause that. You also say you were mentally/emotionally abused by you soon to be ex. I don't want to get into a debate about whether or not cheating ( especially serial cheating) is a form of spousal abuse, but to many, it is. Do you really want to be involved in another person having to go through that?

In the end, you are the one who has to feel good about the person looking back at herself in the mirror. Way deep down, how does all this make you feel?

I will take ur advice & go read over this weekend. 
 

*sigh I feel fine. I’m sorry I don’t feel more sensitive, I guess is the word. I was telling one of my best friends that in the morning he gave me a tight hug & passionate kiss in the hotel room. He then helped me with my bags to my car & I went around the car to do something, it was obvious he wanted another hug or kiss but I avoided it just jumped in he car. He chuckled clearly realizing I just wanted to Jam! He later messaged me saying our good bye at the car was awkward. BUT, I felt it was more hit it & quit it. I don’t feel heart broken or anything that he’s off with her. I just don’t. According to my friend tho she’s like oh no clues been crazy about u & he still is. 
 

id hate to be the wifey, if it were happening to me I’d wanna die from heartbreak & embarrassment. I don’t think it’s my problem he is an “abuser” if that’s what u categorize him to be. She needs to figure that out. 
 

My question:

 

why don’t I feel more about this?? Maybe I am a sociopath ^,  detached idk I do and always have felt like I have a very arrogant attitude for a woman. I will admit to that! I don’t expect to become the ow. What’s done is done. I want him my friend still (some above say that can’t happen) but I do. I want it the same as before that’s it. Oh minus the make out sessions too. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Given his living arrangements with his new wife, I'm pretty sure this guy is going to show up at your doorstep.

He had a good time, enjoyed himself and I'll bet you "dollars to doughnuts" he is RIGHT NOW thinking about you.

The question is... when he shows up at your home, do you let him in or not??

I think right now he’s having fun in Vegas &one the high of his wedding, but we all know people Go back to their Same ol day to day lives & work. So who knows... he definitely hasn’t left my mind how could he, that night was fun & memorable! Music, candles, fun! He was shocked it even happened. I would think odds are it hasn’t slipped his mind ?