Husband is mad at me because I was playing with my friend

[jessiesurf66]

my husband (32M), and I (34F), were at a small gathering with our friends, one of them is Marc.

Marc's a gay man but we and him have a fairly affectionate relationship and we met at work.

Marc asked me to take a picture with him, and I said sure, so I put my arm around him and he scoops me up in his arms in a cradle. I was surprised by this and laughed. he spun me around after the picture and held me for a while and carried me while we talked. My hubby got mad and tokd him to put me down.

husband acted like marc and I were flirting, I thought it was cute and fun. He's gay so he didn't mean anything by it. Husband thinks he tried to cop a feel when he picked me up. I told him to get over himself and he's now mad at me.

Were marc and I in the wrong here?

 

[vla1120]

I don't think it's a matter of being in the wrong. You know it was harmless fun. Marc knows it was harmless fun, but it offended your husband. If I were you, I would just apologize for making him feel uncomfortable and assure him that you only felt comfortable doing that because you know Marc is gay and so you didn't think of it as being hurtful to him. 

[FMW]

Marc is still a man and that's how your husband naturally processed it.  Other men may not have, but what matters is your husband did.  And then you invalidated his feelings instead of saying something like "I'm sorry honey, we were just playing, I didn't realize it would bother you".  

I don't think you and Marc were wrong, but your response to his reaction - "get over yourself" - was not a loving and understanding thing to do.  

[d0nnivain]

Sort of.  Even though Marc is gay, you were flirting.  It may have been harmless & not going anywhere but your husband reacted to you being in another man's arms in a romantic way.  The cradle carry you describe is how a groom traditionally carries a bride over the threshold.  

Logically it may be no big deal but emotionally you took a toll on your guy.  Make his favorite meal by way of apology & give him an extra special dessert if you know what I mean.  😉 🎷

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jessiesurf66 said:

Marc's a gay man but we and him have a fairly affectionate relationship and we met at work.

husband acted like marc and I were flirting, I thought it was cute and fun. He's gay so he didn't mean anything by it. Husband thinks he tried to cop a feel when he picked me up.

How long have you been married? Don't invite your husband to office parties if he's going to be a jealous party pooper. However just make sure the kidding (sexual or not) doesn't take up the whole evening, that could be a drag for a spouse.

No survey questions like who's right/wrong. You, your coworker nor you husband are on trial, so skip that kind of judge and jury right-fighting. Unfortunately, you are married to Mr party pooper, not Marc, so that's who you'll have to see eye-to-eye with.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, jessiesurf66 said:

(He) held me for a while and carried me while we talked.

^^ this is the bit where it went too far... few men would put up with that.

[gaius]

Gay or not, if a guy puts his hands on you like that he means something by it. If it's not to make some sort of sexual advance then it's to take a big dump on your husband's head by doing it in front of him. 

Letting another man poop all over him and then telling him to get over himself, you're very lucky you have a nice husband.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You disrespected your husband. Not cool.

[Atwood]

You crossed a boundary that hurts your husband and he was honest and up front about it. Be someone he can confide those hurts in, apologise for what happened and operate within the boundaries of your relationship in future. If you asked your husband to please not pick up his close lesbian friend and carry her around in his arms, I imagine you would expect him to respect that hurt and be more appropriate in future. We all know it didn't mean anything and that you're at no risk of running off with a gay man, but that doesn't mean it can't hurt your husband, you don't really get to decide what hurts him. 

Sometimes spouses make unreasonable requests due to jealousy/insecurity, i.e "you can't have any male friends at all". However, just asking that your male friends not cradle you in their arms seems like a fair ask. 

[Fletch Lives]

Whether it's innocent or not, it can make your partner jelous, so stay away from it.

[elaine567]

I don't think it is necessarily just jealousy, it is disrespect too.
His wife is getting too close and "playing" with her male friend...   what does that say about him?
It says his wife does not respect him and he is a push over...
OP
The gay friend, used you to take a pot shot at your husband and you allowed it, encouraged it and then scolded your husband.
Well done.
Marriages do not thrive on resentment, I guess your husband just stored some away.

Edited October 8, 2020 by elaine567

[schlumpy]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

.Marriages do not thrive on resentment, I guess your husband just stored some away.

You are dealing a hot-hand this morning Elaine.

Remind me not to play poker with you.

[notbroken]

You were definitely out of line.  Guys don't like it when other men lay their hands on their wives - "gay" or not (yes - the quotes are there for a reason).   You disrespected your husband three times - by having such an emotional and physical relationship with another man (yes),  by allowing him to do that to you physically, and then telling your husband 'it is no big deal'.   Apologize.  He is definitely due that.   Stop flirting with your friend.   Most guys would see it that way. 

[Zona]

Just because someone has a sexual preference, doesn't mean they will never be attracted to the other sex. I had a gay friend who ended up having sex with a woman. I was kinda funny actually. He kept asking me questions about the details and mechanics of it (I made it sound pretty darn good because it always has been for me!).

In any case, if it bugs your husband, then it bugs your husband. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices when we are married.

It's terrible advice to just start doing stuff like that behind your husbands back even though you know how he feels about it. That's a great way to destroy trust.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't seem like jealousy as much as what a drag for your husband/everyone else while you are basically the woman with the lampshade on her head dancing on the table. Tone it down.

Better yet let him stay home relax, go out with his friends, etc. while you carry on your antics.  "play with my friend" seems like a grade school phrase. And who's right/wrong, what's "not fair!' etc. all seems to paint a picture of immaturity in your marriage.

Edited October 8, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, jessiesurf66 said:

my husband (32M), and I (34F), were at a small gathering with our friends, one of them is Marc.

Marc's a gay man but we and him have a fairly affectionate relationship and we met at work.

Marc asked me to take a picture with him, and I said sure, so I put my arm around him and he scoops me up in his arms in a cradle. I was surprised by this and laughed. he spun me around after the picture and held me for a while and carried me while we talked. My hubby got mad and tokd him to put me down.

husband acted like marc and I were flirting, I thought it was cute and fun. He's gay so he didn't mean anything by it. Husband thinks he tried to cop a feel when he picked me up. I told him to get over himself and he's now mad at me.

Were marc and I in the wrong here?

 

The way you acted with your gay friend was terribly immature and you did it to piss off your husband. Otherwise you wouldn't act like that with him around. You know what you did was immature but you don't care because you're more interested in always being right and telling your husband off. 

You intentionally flirted with your gay guy friend and you publicly disrespected your husband in front of your own coworkers, which just makes you look really foolish. 

It seems extremely churlish (and childish) for you to complain and whine that your husband got mad. He responded appropriately to your completely inappropriate behavior at your work party; his wife intentionally acted like a child in front of him and her own coworkers and then had a tantrum about it in front of everyone. Do you always go out of your way to embarrass your husband like this? 

Regardless of what you think, you invalidated your husband's feelings the way you acted dismissive and mean about it afterward. You don't respect your husband at all. You owe him an apology and you need to stop acting like you're at a college party when you're out in public with your husband. This wasn't a college kegger for christ sake, it was a work party. At 32 years old, it's time to start acting like an adult. 

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, FMW said:

but your response to his reaction - "get over yourself" - was not a loving and understanding thing to do.  

Exactly. Your response to your husband is the way a teenager reacts when told to stop acting foolish. Your "apology" to tell your husband to get over himself, is immature and disrespectful. You shouldn't be married. That's pretty clear. Because your marriage clearly is devoid of boundaries and mutual respect. You don't care if your behavior pisses off your husband and you respond defensively when held accountable for your behavior, instead of apologetic and sympathetic. Why did you get married? You clearly don't understand what it means to be married to another person. 

Edited October 8, 2020 by Watercolors

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

your work party

It wasn't a work party, it was a party with their friends.
The gay guy was an old workmate, turned friend of the OP.

[Watercolors]

Just now, elaine567 said:

It wasn't a work party, it was a party with their friends.
The gay guy was an old workmate, turned friend of the OP.

Does not matter if it was a casual party or work party. The OP's behavior was completely inappropriate and her response to her husband was inappropriate. 

[Snow_Queen]

It doesn’t matter what your friend’s orientation is. The actions you engaged in with him made your husband uncomfortable. You must respect his wishes in that aspect. I’m sure you’d want the same from him. That’s how a good partnership works.

[ajequals]

I wouldn't care who he was I'd be mad too. there is no unwritten rule that a gay man can't be Bi. It's all about the chemistry 

[Caauug]

19 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

It doesn’t matter what your friend’s orientation is. The actions you engaged in with him made your husband uncomfortable. You must respect his wishes in that aspect. I’m sure you’d want the same from him

Yes!!!      What does husband think about "Chuckold"? Marc likely swings both ways....

I understand you feel safe with Marc.... He is gay.... But your husband views him as a threat. Who do you value more? Your husband or Marc? It comes down to this very fine point.

You can convince your husband his feelings are null and void.... And after you find out Marc swings from both sides of the plate you can tell your husband his fear/feelings are way off base as Marc is pumping you???

Where there is smoke there is fire..... Look after the smoke..... You may not recover from the fire..

[FirstClass]

Lets turn the tables jessiesurf66,

You are at a party. Your husband has an attractive woman friend who you do not know and he says she is in a relationship with another woman. She asks him to take a picture with him, and he says sure, so he puts his arm around her and scoops her up in his arms in a cradle. She laughs as he spins her around after the picture and he holds her for a while and carries her a while while they talk. 

I'm sure out loud you'll say it wold be just fine with you because you can't say anything else right now or you'd be a hypocrite. But never mind what we think, imagine it yourself and be honest with yourself because ,1- I bet you wouldn't be ok with it, and 2- in reality you've just told your husband it's ok to do that because you think it's ok for you to do it. It's funny how many of us realize other peoples feelings when we put ourselves in their place, especially when we do it with the ones we love. The proper action on your part should have been to ask your friend nicely to put you down. You should know enough about the person you married to know how he would feel about it.

Being in a good marriage means (among other things) that you care about your partners feelings as much, if not more, than you care for your own. What do you think would work better in a marriage, telling your partner he is wrong in the way that he feels,  or caring enough about his feelings to adjust your behavior so this type of thing does not happen again? Posed that way it's obvious that the latter is the correct answer, but so many people live by the former.  

 

 

[Pumaza]

Its disrespect. Using the gay card wont make it right. You cant be all coudling when you are not single. Sad that your hubby cares more then you to keep the relationship """clean".  You and the guy was wrong. Apologize and dont allow such things again. If your hubby did this with a girl, you be mad!

[PicklesPeanut]

I agree that it's disrespect. If your husband was upset by it, then I think those feelings were valid, I think it almost doesn't matter what you or what we think.

If you're a loving partner you will apologize and stop, even if it means saying 'I don't necessarily 100% agree with where you're coming from on this but I accept it and so we'll stop it'. 

If you are looking for reasons to disregard your husband's feelings and make him look silly or sound silly to other people - ask yourself why.