Insensitivive when it matters

[Lagoon1212]

I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and we have been living together for the past 6 months. He is really caring, loving and puts an effort... but maybe not in a way I want it (feeling horrible for saying this).

He would wake up with me to make me coffee before my job and even pack my lunch sometimes. He would give me endless massages and foot rubs on almost daily basis and since he is the one not currently working he takes care of my cat.

Recently, we had a nasty fight ending up with me yelling and getting angry out of proportions. Let me tell you what happened. I used to work day shifts and i used to wake up at 5.30am. Recently, I got a new job, training was during day time, meaning waking up at 5.30. However, last two weeks are at night since I am going to be doing night shift. Training itself is super hard, i am super stressed, having the feelings of being not smart enough to maybe the company expecting too much from someone with no experience. To make things worse, the company told me they will decide whether to keep me during the last two weeks of my training.

So, the first night, transitioning into night shift was rough. I woke up at 7am that day, went to work at 6pm and was finally home at 8.0am. So, over 24h with no sleep. I showered and went to bed around 9.30, told my boyfriend to keep the bedroom door open because my cat always meows to go in and out of the room. Around 1pm I hear this noise of someone opening paper containers and bags and then a loud noise of something falling. My boyfriend is making spaghetti with meat balls in the kitchen. I can see him, because from bedroom you walk straight into the kitchen, very close because the apartment is kind of small.

I got up all groggy, sick to my stomach, felt the need to throw up and gradually I became very, very angry. I also had two more consecutive night shifts to work. So, we had a fight I drank a huge cup of coffee and left again around 5pm to do another almost 14 hour shift. My preceptor told me that the things are not going very well with me but to wait for one more week and see I do.

My boyfriend ended up apologizing, at first being super defensive, saying that he was super quiet and that I slept through him making coffee earlier that morning and also leaving the house and coming back (IMO, has nothing to do with making lunch). Then he said he was making lunch/dinner for me to take to work (even though he had more half of it), etc, etc.

I understand he didn't have a bad intention, i understand it was unintentional but it still bugs me how inconsiderate he can be in that sense. Or am I too spoiled?

[FMW]

I think you're understandably stressed and exhausted. 

People make noise, it happens.  When we share a space with someone interruptions and disturbances are naturally going to happen.  Especially with opposing schedules, especially in a small apartment.

I don't think he was insensitive, just going about the business of making lunch for himself.  

[Lagoon1212]

I understand that but what bugs me is that: couldn't he go buy lunch and let me have a smooth transition into the night shift life. It was my very first shift at night. It was really hard to stay awake and i only need two more weeks before I find out If i have a job in the first place.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Lagoon1212 said:

I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and we have been living together for the past 6 months.

 he is the one not currently working he takes care of my cat.

 To make things worse, the company told me they will decide whether to keep me during the last two weeks of my training. My preceptor told me that the things are not going very well with me but to wait for one more week and see I do.

Sorry to hear this. A lot of stress and strain going on. Night shifts with additional pressure. Your bf not working/contributing. Adjusting to living together.

If you wish to stay together, your bf needs to work, particularly if your position is conditional. Your cat doesn't need a baby sitter. Paying the bills and getting decent sleep on night shifts is A Lot more important than foot rubs.

[Lagoon1212]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. A lot of stress and strain going on. Night shifts with additional pressure. Your bf not working/contributing. Adjusting to living together.

If you wish to stay together, your bf needs to work, particularly if your position is conditional. Your cat doesn't need a baby sitter. Paying the bills and getting decent sleep on night shifts is A Lot more important than foot rubs.

He is still in school, finishing his degree and he has enough savings, so he is contributing his fair share with bills. It is just that he seems to never think deeper, as in... maybe buying lunch today would be a good idea. We, literally, were eating out or buying food outside for the entire week up to that day when i went to bed at 9am.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're so tired and understandably stressed about your work situation.    And tiredness does take so much of our emotional strength.  However, your boyfriend didn't do anything wrong.  If he'd had a bunch of mates over or turned up his music loud, criticism of him is fair.   But it's wrong to expect that he shouldn't potter around the apartment and make his own lunch.   As you said in your opening post, you blew it out of proportion.   Are ear plugs an option?

You may want to reconsider whether you're cut out for night shift.  This is in no way a criticism of you - rather an acknowledgement that not everyone is cut out for it. 

 

[Ellener]

I just got a box of earplugs as my upstairs neighbour has two huge dogs who wake me up sometimes in the early hours...

Hopefully your work situation will resolve soon @Lagoon1212 

6 hours ago, Lagoon1212 said:

My preceptor told me that the things are not going very well with me but to wait for one more week and see I do.

Sounds like a set of unreasonable conditions to expect you to work/train day then night and do 14 hour shifts...and dangle a job you may or may not get...you are maybe getting angry/frustrated with the wrong thing here? 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

First of all, hang in there. It's so demoralizing and frightening to be "trying out" on a stressful new job. So your nerves are bound to be jumpy.

Second, you have to tell partners what you want. Some people sleep heavily ... BF could have easily thought that he wouldn't wake you up. You could have just said, "hey, I'm sorry, the cooking is waking me up. Can you be a bit more quiet. I'm worried I won't sleep well enough to do well on the job."

It's easy to think our partners SHOULD know exactly what we need. And he wasn't playing loud music. He was cooking. That's a pretty minor offense when you think about it. Now the question I have is, if you exploded on him, is that because he has been rude before and you've let it slide? When we don't stand up for ourselves, it's easy for resentment to build up and then we explode on a minor thing. 

So make sure when you get mad at him, it's because you are mad at ONE THING. This may be a sign that other things about him are bothering you and that you need to speak up more forcefully. But don't feel guilty. Get some sleep and move on. This happens in relationships. 

[Mystery4u]

So.... What exactly did he do wrong? As I don't see anything that makes him insensitive.

If you didn't want to hear noise from the kitchen you should not have asked him to keep your room door open.

Expecting him to go out to eat in case he wakes you up is ridiculous.

I do night shifts myself sometimes, just finished one actually. Buy a face mask and ear plugs.

[Mrin]

Normally I am pretty sympathetic to posts like this. But not in this case. You are a grown ass woman. Yeah you are stretched really thin right now and exhausted. He was trying to make you a meal to take to work. You need to take responsibility for communicating your needs and definitely take responsibility for your actions. You woke up and blew up at him. Honestly, unless there are other things going on besides this that are driving in nuts you should really be examining your behavior, not his. He's not your personal punching bag and shame on you for treating him so. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[ajequals]

Even though your stressed. I feel what you did crossed the line. Ya. I know you can't shut the door because of the cat. But there was no reason to take anything out on him ..It's not his fault you switched to nights. And what's up with throwing up?  that's not normal. Pregnant?

[healing light]

I think you expected him to be a mind reader in this scenario and that wasn't exactly fair to him. I don't think either of you thought him making lunch was going to be an issue until it happened. And this is coming from a lifelong insomniac who completely understands how important sleep is... 

If he was making a meal you guys could share, it sounds like he was still anticipating your needs, so no need to nitpick that he ate over half of it. It sounds like your boyfriend overall is a pretty great partner from what you've described, so perhaps consider adjusting your expectations and apologizing for your reaction if you haven't already. Consider some practical things that would help facilitate your sleep in these situations now that you've come across it--a white noise machine, ear plugs, packing lunches ahead of time, natural sleeping aids like lavendar oil or magnesium, etc. 

Edited October 8, 2020 by healing light

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Lagoon1212 said:

He is still in school, finishing his degree and he has enough savings, so he is contributing his fair share with bills. 

Why did you move in together with so many variables? Was it for economic reasons? If so that's bound to cause issues.

As far as living together, you need to be clear on each other's expectations. Particularly if living together is new and you are already starting to annoy each other.

[stillafool]

I think you should have closed your bedroom door and put the cat outside instead of expecting your bf to just sit still while you sleep.  If he was making spaghetti and meatballs I'm sure it was for you also.  In a small space you can't expect to leave the door open and not hear any noise when you live with another person.  You are blaming your bf and inexperience for your job performance.

[SumGuy]

20 hours ago, Lagoon1212 said:

..
I understand he didn't have a bad intention, i understand it was unintentional but it still bugs me how inconsiderate he can be in that sense. Or am I too spoiled?

Short answer is yes. 

Not sure what he even did to upset you, sounds like just doing his normal thing for you.  Do you want him to stop making you coffee and lunch, or if he makes food he is not supposed to have any, it's all for you?

You are taking out your problems at work on him.  Nothing new there in the history of relationships, still a selfish thing to do.   We all get grumpy and can snap when sick, if anything you should be apologizing to him from what I understand.

If it is about you working so you make the rules, I never bought that when it was the man working and the woman at home so don't buy it now.  If that is what is really bugging you then you need to break up, he shouldn't be your domestic servant you can lash out at when feeling bad just because you "pay the bills." 

[Caauug]

On 10/8/2020 at 3:17 AM, Lagoon1212 said:

So, the first night, transitioning into night shift was rough. I woke up at 7am that day, went to work at 6pm and was finally home at 8.0am. So, over 24h with no sleep. I showered and went to bed around 9.30, told my boyfriend to keep the bedroom door open because my cat always meows to go in and out of the room.

I've been doing this for the last 20yrs...… Wake up early last day before N/S....do something, anything in the morning.... come mid day, an afternoon nap... I get up mid afternoon... 3PM? Have coffees like the morning, something to eat, then off to work.

The cats..... I had two, one just loved sleeping on my feet when I was on N/S..... I would wake up paralyzed from the ankles down!!!! Wake up at 1pm wanting to take a leak and no feeling in my feet????This is no longer fun!!!! I learned to close the door and ignore the meows....  Cruel to be kind... Kind to me.... (if I wasn't working they would not have a home or the nice cat food...)

While on N/S I banish.... Like what ever it takes, you figure it out, do not be there, no exceptions, no one is to be in the house while I am sleeping.... I am fighting the body clock and trying to sleep when evolution has programed me to be awake and alert. I put it out as "If I was awaken, during my N/S sleep it will only be an intruder breaking into the house and I will beat them to the death, no exceptions, no questions asked..." If you don't get that, you are really thick.... Anyone that loves you, will respect your needs and go..... anywhere but near you. 

I love N/S, do your job, no politics, no squeezers trying to justify their job.... But you are fighting your evolutionally body clock. You need full support from the people at home.... You have to get angry and kick them all out. Ground rules count.... and with cats...

[Datingdisabled]

I don't understand why you are mad at your boyfriend for doing that? He can't walk on egg shells because you work the night shift. He has been waking up with you early and making you coffee for work.

Edited October 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal insult

[Watercolors]

On 10/7/2020 at 2:17 PM, Lagoon1212 said:

I understand he didn't have a bad intention, i understand it was unintentional but it still bugs me how inconsiderate he can be in that sense. Or am I too spoiled?

I agree with the others that you projected your own anxiety about transitioning to your night shift at your new job which is a contract to hire job, on to your boyfriend. You took it out on your poor boyfriend, who was only trying to make you a meal to take to your night shift.

Question: you don't explain why you have to work the night shift very clearly. Is it required for your job? Or, is this a choice you made yourself?

I really don't think you should work the night shift. If you are going to have an explosive fight like this regularly, not only will you lose your boyfriend but you will lose your job b/c of the amount of stress.