How to 'Get Over' Limerance

[LaceyMcAntire]

After reading some posts, and then googling limerance, I believe I very well may be experiencing this. Any suggestions on getting over "it"? If you've read prior posts of mine, I have a guy friend, who we truly are great friends, but had a FWB type of situation and basically, decided it wasn't going to work. I developed feelings stronger than his and it just wasn't going to work. Our communication is opposite, I want a lot, he wants to give what's convenient to him, which, he has gotten better at lately.. anyway, I feel like I may be experiencing limerance with him and I know the first step is like any addiction, admitting, so now what?! 

Edited October 7, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire

[stillafool]

Have you blocked him and gone no contact yet?

[BaileyB]

Watch the movie, The Holiday. I love that movie and I love the quote - “You are a leading lady. Why are you behaving like the best friend.” Lacey, you need to develop something called “gumption.” Otherwise known as confidence and self respect. Kate Winslet found it at the end. I hope you do too.

Unrequited love is painful. No contact is the only way. Make yourself busy and give it some time. 

Edited October 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[Mystery4u]

It's really simple.

Do not meet or communicate with them and cut them out of your life.

[ExpatInItaly]

Cut all contact, first and foremost. You can't stay friends with him, Lacey. He's got to disappear from your life, and it will be up to you to block and delete. 

Then, you'll need time to yourself to reflect on why you kept trying to hang on to someone who clearly wasn't offering what you wanted. When you sort that out, you'll be better-equipped to avoid falling back into this with different men in the future. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

16 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

After reading some posts, and then googling limerance, I believe I very well may be experiencing this. Any suggestions on getting over "it"? If you've read prior posts of mine, I have a guy friend, who we truly are great friends, but had a FWB type of situation and basically, decided it wasn't going to work. I developed feelings stronger than his and it just wasn't going to work. Our communication is opposite, I want a lot, he wants to give what's convenient to him, which, he has gotten better at lately.. anyway, I feel like I may be experiencing limerance with him and I know the first step is like any addiction, admitting, so now what?! 

Stop sleeping with him. Date others.

[LaceyMcAntire]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

Have you blocked him and gone no contact yet?

I have not talked to him in a few days, I didnt return a call, but he also didnt tell my receptionist to call him back, and I have my line on DND, which is what he normally calls on, so I imagine he called our main line because I wasnt answering that one, so that makes me feel a bit bad, because we are still friends, to cut him out completely. SO im stuck in an endless cycle.

[LaceyMcAntire]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Cut all contact, first and foremost. You can't stay friends with him, Lacey. He's got to disappear from your life, and it will be up to you to block and delete. 

Then, you'll need time to yourself to reflect on why you kept trying to hang on to someone who clearly wasn't offering what you wanted. When you sort that out, you'll be better-equipped to avoid falling back into this with different men in the future. 

Thats what I am trying to figure out, is why I care so much. I dont know if it's because I am a determined person and when I want something, if I try hard enough I will get it, and clearly, it isnt working for me now, or if its a childhood abandonment issue with my dad, etc.. I dont know, but I do know I dont like the cycle I am in right now and letting whether he shoots me a call for 5 minutes of talk time every few days dictate my mood and my anxiety levels.

[LaceyMcAntire]

44 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Stop sleeping with him. Date others.

I havent slept with him. We have been intimate, but no sex.

[LaceyMcAntire]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Watch the movie, The Holiday. I love that movie and I love the quote - “You are a leading lady. Why are you behaving like the best friend.” Lacey, you need to develop something called “gumption.” Otherwise known as confidence and self respect. Kate Winslet found it at the end. I hope you do too.

Unrequited love is painful. No contact is the only way. Make yourself busy and give it some time. 

Thanks Bailey. I always enjoy reading some of your responses, to me and others, you're always so just matter of fact and telling us how it is even when we cant see for ourselves. Ill have to check out the movie, Id do anything to get rid of the feelings, but we still are great friends, so if I could friendzone him again, that would be the best but I dont think that's going to happen, no matter how hard I try

[Fletch Lives]

You would need to find a new boyfriend or cut contact or both. Then time will heal, eventually you will get over him.

Edited October 8, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Ellener]

30 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

I do know I dont like the cycle I am in right now and letting whether he shoots me a call for 5 minutes of talk time every few days dictate my mood and my anxiety levels.

So it's fantasizing which fuels your interest?

I did a lot of that in the couple of years my marriage was ending and life was in limbo. It was a safe way to cope with my hormones and emotions.

[smackie9]

when your focus is on the breadcrumbs you are getting, that usually means you have little self worth and not doing much with your life. Go find some hobbies.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

when your focus is on the breadcrumbs you are getting, that usually means you have little self worth and not doing much with your life. Go find some hobbies.

I agree.  Get so busy with your life that you don't have time to think about him.  Work until it's time to go to bed.

[poppyfields]

Hey LaceyM, some may think I’m off the beaten path here, and maybe I am, for them, but what troubles you about having feelings? 

Feelings are good, it means you’re alive and functioning (emotionally).  It means you’re capable of having emotions which believe me, many people are NOT.   

And when you’ve lived for a time without having any feelings, incapable of feeling any emotion at all, for anyone (as in depression), trust me, you will appreciate the fact that you’re capable of having a feeling and learn to embrace those feelings versus fighting to push them out like you’re doing now.

Fighting against something rarely works anyway.  It may do the opposite, intensify your feelings. 

He’s your friend, enjoy the friendship!  As long as you don’t have expectations for more, why not simply accept that you have feelings and live within those parameters?

Why allow your feelings for him to control your life?  Essentially allowing him to dictate your moods, your happiness?

You don’t have to, you have the power to NOT allow that, while still having feelings for him.

In time, the feelings may fade, or they may not!  Which is OKAY.  I have a boyfriend I love, but I still have feelings for a man I briefly connected with five years ago!  I probably always will.   

I still think about him, sometimes more than other.  I would love to be friends with him with no expectations for more.  And I mean that sincerely.

I dunno, I know it goes against typical thinking, but I truly believe that once we feel a connection with someone, whether a girlfriend/boyfriend or someone we dated briefly, or anyone really, that feeling will always remain with us, at least on some level, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Learn to accept and embrace, live your life within those parameters versus allowing it to control you, control your moods and prevent you from meeting and dating other men who will return your feelings in kind.

It takes strength, confidence and the ability to accept whatever life throws at you, but you can do it!    

Edited October 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

SO im stuck in an endless cycle.

That's because you actively choose to be stuck. You created this situation based on your poor choices.

Until you stop making excuses for yourself, and you stop pretending that its his fault for your bad choices, you will improve you dating situation.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

5 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

I havent slept with him. We have been intimate, but no sex.

Same difference. The intimacy still raises certain hormones that cause a woman to have romantic feelings for the man.

[poppyfields]

Lacey, to add to my previous post and referencing a post I just read in another thread (I think by Mystery), the problem isn't that you have feelings for him, the issue is you haven't learned to effectively manage those feelings in order to live your life in a healthy and productive manner.

You're allowing your emotions and essentially him to control you versus you controlling your emotions.

You're giving them and him too much power in your life! 

Full stop on allowing that okay?  We can't control what emotions we feel (impossible imo), we can only control how we manage them so we dont become "stuck in an endless cycle" (your words).

It's your choice.  You can do it!  👍

Edited October 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[LaceyMcAntire]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lacey, to add to my previous post and referencing a post I just read in another thread (I think by Mystery), the problem isn't that you have feelings for him, the issue is you haven't learned to effectively manage those feelings in order to live your life in a healthy and productive manner.

You're allowing your emotions and essentially him to control you versus you controlling your emotions.

You're giving them and him too much power in your life! 

Full stop on allowing that okay?  

It's your choice.  You can do it!  

 I absolutely agree with this 100%, the problem is, I have a very hard time trying to figure out just HOW to do that. I am aware that I give way too much time and thought into him but I cant seem to just move on. We somewhat work together, so just full on NC isnt an option, AND I still value him as a friend. I have not been making contact with him, although he has called, and the 3rd time, I answered, he asked why I am ignoring him... I just need to know how to get out of limerance, and enjoy the friendzone and I just cant figure out how to get there. I know everyone recommends nc, but it's just not possible at this point.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

 I just need to know how to get out of limerance, and enjoy the friendzone and I just cant figure out how to get there.

I don't think that's realistic in this case. 

Based on all your threads about him, you won't be able to handle just being his friend. It will hurt you way too much, which is normal and human. 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

  I just need to know how to get out of limerance, and enjoy the friendzone and I just cant figure out how to get there. I know everyone recommends nc, but it's just not possible at this point.

Maybe you missed my post before the one you quoted, but why not simply accept that you have an infatuation with this guy and carry on with life? 

So you're infatuated with a friend, so what?  Like I said, I still have feelings for a guy I made a brief connection with 5-6 years ago!  I still think of him quite often and actually wish we were friends. 

My feelings for him didn't stop me from living my life and finding a man who loves me and I love him (my current boyfriend).  It's about expectations.

Make a choice.  Squelch the expectations and stop trying to finds different ways or strategies to "get over him".  It won't work. 

The more you fight your feelings, the more power you give to them. Eff that.  

Start taking control and get your power back.  You do that by simply accepting that you have these feelings, and living within those parameters.   

Carry on.  Start meeting and dating other men.  Stop having expectations that this guy will ever feel the same. 

Acceptance.  Mind over matter.  

 

Edited October 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

IF it's true limerence, there are brain changes that are not reversible, although from what I understand cutting them out of your life to the extent that contact is actually IMPOSSIBLE or VERY nearly so may mostly shut it off. You can't really fool your own brain, so this would entail telling him VERY FIRMLY to NEVER contact you and then deleting his info or making copies and hiding them in very hard to access places.  Then your brain MAY "leave you alone" about him.  This "sorta friends" stuff ain't gonna cut it, I'm afraid.

It will generally take from several months up to a few years for your brain to adjust, and yes full on limerence can be a real mind-****. My understanding is your brain eventually grows fewer dopamine receptors in response which effectively ends the worst of it.

If you can't take the FULL NC steps required to (hopefully) shut it off, there are things you can do to help take the edge off. I've written them in other posts, but:

- Time outside in nature (at least 10 min a day) or looking at quality nature pics on your computer if snowed in (boosts serotonin)

- Socializing with friends or "achievements" (boosts dopamine)

- "Cute" things, e.g. kids (boosts oxytocin)

- Altrusim/acts of kindness (boosts all 3 apparently)

- Exercise/working out within your capacity (boosts endogenous opiates)

- New BF/GF (if ready/interested) boosts all sorts of things, heh, BUT importantly you probably won't be able to fully bond with them for a while

- Books, TV, music, other entertainment (distracts you)

- "Throw yourself into your work" (distracts you)

- New hobbies and interests (distracts you AND helps extend your sense of identity apart from the other person)

- Avoid "poignancy", including in music, as limerence (at least as I personally have experienced it) seems to thrive on this and it just reinforces it.

 

The serotonin is particularly important as your brain (in limerence) is "low" on it apparently. The "happiness" impact is subtle, but there.

Some activities, such as volunteering in a social setting, can hit multiple ones of the above. NONE of the above are magic bullets, they merely take the edge off. You'll still have your limerence. FULL NC will help the most IF you can acheive it AND it works for you (doesn't work for everyone, apparently).

GL...

Edited October 8, 2020 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

I just need to know how to get out of limerance, and enjoy the friendzone and I just cant figure out how to get there. I know everyone recommends nc, but it's just not possible at this point.

Of course NC is possible.  Just do it and if you have to work with him sometimes keep it professional or find another job.  There is no to get over limerence while still maintaining contact much less friendship.  You've got to let him go but you won't do it.  You're wasting your life pinning for a man who doesn't want you.

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Of course NC is possible.  Just do it and if you have to work with him sometimes keep it professional or find another job.  There is no to get over limerence while still maintaining contact much less friendship.  You've got to let him go but you won't do it.  You're wasting your life pinning for a man who doesn't want you.

+1 stillafool! I agree. Lacey, you still aren't taking responsibility for yourself here. You list all these external factors that you claim make it impossible for you not to encounter him in person which only perpetuates your romantic infatuation with this guy. I don't think you want to let him go because that means you will have to confront the feelings of loneliness you have buried. Being single is not a Scarlett Letter at all. Being single is just a state of being. It's not a negative mark on who you are as a person. 

According to Psychology Today, the reason we pine for someone unavailable is that it stimulates that part of the brain associated with reward, addiction, cravings and motivation. 

Quote

 

According to Helen Fisher and her colleagues, the reason romantic rejection gets us hooked is that this sort of rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings. Using functional MRI, her team looked at the brains of 15 college-aged men and women who had recently been rejected by their partners but claimed to still be intensely "in love." During the scan, the research subjects looked at a photo of the person who had rejected them. They then completed a math exercise, such as counting backwards from 4,529 by 7. The exercise was an attempt to distract participants from their romantic thoughts. Finally, they were shown a picture of a familiar person they were not interested in romantically.

The team found that participants' brains were more active in areas associated with motivation, reward, craving, addiction, physical pain, and distress when they looked at the photo of the person who had rejected them than when they looked at the photo of the neutral person.

 

and
 

Quote

Another aspect of this anguish may have to do with the perceived value of the other person. If the other person doesn't want us or is not available for a relationship, their perceived value goes up. They become so "expensive" that we cannot "afford" them. Evolutionarily speaking, it would have been an advantage to mate with the most valuable mate. So it makes sense that we become more romantically interested when a person's perceived value increases.

So, romantic rejection become an addiction to some people because of the way it effects the person's brain. Also, it has a lot to do with attachment style. 

Quote

 

Your attachment style can also influence how much you get stuck on people who don't want you. People with a dependent attachment style (also known as a co-dependent or anxious attachment style) are brought up to seek out people who will cause them pain. In a classic scenario, they grew up in a household with a mother or father who emotionally rejected them. For these individuals, being romantically rejected is a familiar feeling. Since we are always more likely to act in ways that are familiar to us, if we have a history of rejection, we are likely to seek situations where we should expect more rejection. Our brains interpret these scenarios as normal, even though we know that it is not normal to seek out scenarios that lead to pain and anguish.

 

Have you ever been diagnosed with a codependent personality disorder? If not, maybe look into finding out more what your relationship attachment style is, with the help of a therapist in counseling. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 10/7/2020 at 2:50 PM, BaileyB said:

Watch the movie, The Holiday. I love that movie and I love the quote - “You are a leading lady. Why are you behaving like the best friend.” Lacey, you need to develop something called “gumption.” Otherwise known as confidence and self respect. Kate Winslet found it at the end. I hope you do too.

Unrequited love is painful. No contact is the only way. Make yourself busy and give it some time. 

I love that movie!!