Breaking up with a long term friend

[miss2017]

Me and this girl have been friends for like over 15 years, and we spent many years far away from each other as she moved to another city, but we always kept in touch talking daily on FB chat.

We've had arguments many times over difference of mindsets and opinion, and she always had a big ego and liked to compare our lives. For example, if I say something about me and my life, she will immediately take it as an offence to her and start being defensive and hurtful, when I was merely telling her something about me.

I have created a good life for me with my business and make good money and I think she is jealous of it, as she is in a dead-end low paying job.

To me the argument we had 2 days ago was the last straw. Before I would see the arguments as just that, and we would spend some time without talking, but this time I am disgusted at the things she said to me.

She was talking about her situation with her salary and her job, and she asked me for help on how to change her mindset and things happen differently for her. So I was really honest and open with her trying to help her, and I told her what she needed to hear: that she needs to step into an abundance mindset and realise she deserves the best in life and not settle for less. That inner work is her responsibility. And that is exactly what I did in my life and that's why my life changed.

She didn't take this well, as taking responsibility is not really her thing. She started to blame karma and etc, and then got so angry that she started pointing out all the "wrong" stuff in my life and the things I don't have yet, like a man and a relationship (she doesn't have it also), that I only bought a house because I got money from an inheritance (it's not true because I bought the house with the money from my business and she knows it), that I also don't have this and that. 

She completely turned things around, talking about stuff in my life trying to hurt me on purpose.

I ended the conversation and to me that's it. I feel disgusted by what she did. She asked me for help, and if she didn't agree with what I said, she could have said just that "hey I don't agree with you, let's end this conversation", and that's it. But turn it on me trying to belittle me and hurt me? That is toxic and not acceptable at all.

I don't have any person in my life that does this to me, just her. And so I am ending a long term friendship with her because I don't need someone in my life talking about my life and achievements like that.

Also, we met 2 months ago in person as I had to travel to her city, and I didn't feel comfortable around her.

I'm just realising now I decided to end the friendship that I feel like a weight was taken over my shoulders. She was a major blockage in my life as we are in a so different mindset and channel. 

Any advice? Thank you.

Edited October 8, 2020 by miss2017

[Wiseman2]

Just let the dust settle and stop communicating this much. Friends never really want advice.

Consider hopping out of this litter box.

[d0nnivain]

With friendships that have cooled, I'm all about the slow fade.  Just don't reach out.  Mute her on social media.  In a few months unfriend her if you feel the need to go that far.   Send her a holiday card if you like but beyond that just disappear.  

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just let the dust settle and stop communicating this much. Friends never really want advice.

Consider hopping out of this litter box.

You are right: litter box!

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

With friendships that have cooled, I'm all about the slow fade.  Just don't reach out.  Mute her on social media.  In a few months unfriend her if you feel the need to go that far.   Send her a holiday card if you like but beyond that just disappear.  

That’s what I am going to do minus the holiday card. I won’t give her any more energy.

[Ellener]

17 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Any advice? Thank you.

Blimey, yes: don't get into a p*ssing contest with anyone. Ever. Never ends well.

 

 

[Watercolors]

18 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I'm just realising now I decided to end the friendship that I feel like a weight was taken over my shoulders. She was a major blockage in my life as we are in a so different mindset and channel. 

What's that quote? "Some people come into your life for a reason; others only come in for a season."

I believe that every friendship we have -- however long it lasts -- can teach us something about ourselves and other people. How was she a major blockage to you? Were your differences so vast that you two were just incompatible?

18 hours ago, miss2017 said:

To me the argument we had 2 days ago was the last straw. Before I would see the arguments as just that, and we would spend some time without talking, but this time I am disgusted at the things she said to me.

She was talking about her situation with her salary and her job, and she asked me for help on how to change her mindset and things happen differently for her. So I was really honest and open with her trying to help her, and I told her what she needed to hear: that she needs to step into an abundance mindset and realise she deserves the best in life and not settle for less. That inner work is her responsibility. And that is exactly what I did in my life and that's why my life changed.

I read this situation as, you two are so different from each other. And instead of accepting each other for those differences, each of you viewed them as the other's character flaws instead of "that's just who she is." This happens with women's friendships. I see it all the time. I have experienced this myself with some female friends -- where we were so different, that we just never were on the same wavelength and constantly butted heads with each other, rather than lower our defenses to just accept each other "as is" and learn to compromise around that. Easier said than done for sure!

What do you think drew you to her for friendship in the first place? Were you two coworkers? How did you become friends?

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, Watercolors said:

What's that quote? "Some people come into your life for a reason; others only come in for a season."

I believe that every friendship we have -- however long it lasts -- can teach us something about ourselves and other people. How was she a major blockage to you? Were your differences so vast that you two were just incompatible?

I read this situation as, you two are so different from each other. And instead of accepting each other for those differences, each of you viewed them as the other's character flaws instead of "that's just who she is." This happens with women's friendships. I see it all the time. I have experienced this myself with some female friends -- where we were so different, that we just never were on the same wavelength and constantly butted heads with each other, rather than lower our defenses to just accept each other "as is" and learn to compromise around that. Easier said than done for sure!

What do you think drew you to her for friendship in the first place? Were you two coworkers? How did you become friends?

She was a blockage because I have decided to go big in life and live my best life. That means getting rid of my own limiting beliefs around what I believe, how I think, getting out of my comfort zone, etc. Not easy.

And she is the opposite, she wants to stay in her comfort zone and blame the world for what happens to her instead of taking responsibility for her decisions. Hearing her complaining all the time was a blockage to me because it was influencing my daily energy. 

I want to stay in a high vibe and be around high energy positive people and she is very negative. She even blames karma for the bad decisions she takes!

We met in college and at the time we were very different people, very naive and lost in life. I think we had that in common. But then over the years we each evolved into different ‘channels’. 

I totally get what you mean by accepting our differences. That’s hard to do when she is comparing yourself to her all the time and trying to hurt you and take your down with belittling comments. 

For example, I just bought a flat on the ground floor that has an amazing view, I showed her because I am genuinely happy and her comment was: ‘yeah but it doesn’t have a balcony like mine’! What the f***!? She is like this allllll the time!!!! 

Anything I tell her about me that is positive, she compares to her and makes negative comments, looking for the stuff I am ‘missing’ on the good I have.

So this is much more than just accepting differences, that happens in a healthy friendship. This on the other hand crosses the line of ‘differences’ and is plain toxic. 

So I have reached the limit and I’m out.

Edited October 9, 2020 by miss2017

[zibby]

Just let it go, it isn't worth your time and effort

Edited October 21, 2020 by zibby

[CaraGrace]

On 10/9/2020 at 5:23 PM, miss2017 said:

She was a blockage because I have decided to go big in life and live my best life. That means getting rid of my own limiting beliefs around what I believe, how I think, getting out of my comfort zone, etc. Not easy.

And she is the opposite, she wants to stay in her comfort zone and blame the world for what happens to her instead of taking responsibility for her decisions. Hearing her complaining all the time was a blockage to me because it was influencing my daily energy. 

I'm in a very similar situation. Years ago I quit my full time job and started freelancing, given the connection and reputation I've built up. I wear many hats and now I'm also starting my own business. Like you, I want to go big in life and get out of my comfort zone too, and yes, IT'S NOT EASY. But my friend, whom I've known for 20 years, likes to say she's envy that I can do what I do because I'm lucky enough to have everything paid for by my husband (which is not true) so that I don't really need to work as hard as she does. She assumes that I'm just a housewife staying home doing nothing. Even if she knows exactly what I've been working on and she has even been to some of the big events/seen the projects I rolled out, she still chooses not to believe I do have to work and am capable of making my own money. She says that I even if I'm making money, it's not for making ends meet/sharing the household expenses, but just for my own pleasure to spend on buying fancy stuff for myself. She compares our work lives and ways of life, implying I rely on a man to feed me while she helps her husband paying some of the rent and bills. She tends to trivialise my journey, my effort, my courage, and dismisses me as a "free-rider" and "having luck", while actually she has a 9-5 government job that is paid unreasonably higher than the same kind of positions in the private sector - and she never considers herself as the lucky one but keeps complaining.

On 10/9/2020 at 5:23 PM, miss2017 said:

I totally get what you mean by accepting our differences. That’s hard to do when she is comparing yourself to her all the time and trying to hurt you and take your down with belittling comments. 

So when I read your story it's like reading my own... your friend is clearly very different from you in many aspects, you have very different beliefs and values, and it's obvious that she is jealous of you too. I also think that as friends, we should try to accept our differences, and agree to disagree. It's ok if both parties can talk about and discuss different topics with an open mind and open heart. But problems arise when she is always comparing with you. Whatever you say or do, she sees it as a competition and wants to prove you worse or wrong. 

Like for several times, I discussed with my friend on the topic of emigration (it started because she told me a year ago that she wanted to move to another country due the fear of the political unrest in our homeland), but it would always end as a fight or argument because we had very different opinions. Actually, having different opinions is fine, but the way she took it was to attack me on my viewpoints. Like when I told her that she can try to get used to the different ways of life in another country rather than worrying, she would say I thought it's easy only because I can rely on my relatives and friends who live overseas (but the fact is I travelled alone a lot and I lived in another country for a year before and I didn't rely on other people to do that). And when I tried to tell her how she should see it as a new opportunities to start a better life in another country if she tried to walk out of her comfort zone with an open mind, she would say she has great love for our hometown and accuse me of not loving our hometown because I talked highly of other countries (but she was the one who's trying to emigrate because of fear, not me. And her love for our homeland isn't big enough to conquer her fear but she accused me instead?). So it has been really hard to hold a conversation or discussion with her when she is being so aggressive and defensive, not to say being so contradicting in her own words and actions. 

On 10/9/2020 at 5:23 PM, miss2017 said:

We met in college and at the time we were very different people, very naive and lost in life. I think we had that in common. But then over the years we each evolved into different ‘channels’.

This is also my realisation of the relationship between my friend and I, that we have nothing in common now even after being friends for 20 years.. I guess in all those years after we graduated, we started to walk on very different paths (completely different careers, developing different values and worldviews due to different experiences), we grow in our very own ways and eventually grow apart. Like @Watercolors said, even long-time friends can gradually become so different that we are no longer on the same wavelength, and then we would find it harder and harder to accept each other as what they are and compromise. I guess sometimes some people are just not meant to stay in our lives.

On 10/9/2020 at 5:23 PM, miss2017 said:

So I have reached the limit and I’m out.

If you have come to this decision, then just don't bother yourself with her negativity and competitiveness anymore. It isn't worth your time to explain or discuss with her anymore if she isn't the kind of person who can be reasoned with. If you're not the kind of person who needs closure, just let it fade and let it go. I tried to be honest with my friend in order to improve our communication and relationship, telling her how it made me feel when she, whether deliberately or unintentionally, kept making belittling remarks to me and comparing with me, but she didn't take it well and blamed it all on me. But for me it's a good thing because it was when I decided that I don't need her as my friend anymore. Neither of us can possibly be benefited from such toxic and competitive relationship. It's not like I would cut her off but I'd rather not contact or meet her unless she reaches out. I only see her as an acquaintance now, and definitely won't confide in her like I did before, because she has the tendency to turn my words or insecurities against me. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by CaraGrace