Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 I recognize that I might get blasted for this, but I would love to hear what others think. I got engaged this week. I love him and am very excited. I did not expect an elaborate ring: this is a second marriage for both of us, and he is paying alimony to his first wife. Also, I recognize that I am in a more fortunate financial position than he. However, he accidentally left the receipt for the ring in our junk drawer, and I found it while looking for my keys. I discovered that he spent less on the ring than he recently spent on football tickets for him and his son. I feel a little hurt, as it made me feel less important than football tickets. Am I being shallow and ridiculous? I love the man but feel like an afterthought. Peace, Martine 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 33 minutes ago, Lamartine said: I discovered that he spent less on the ring than he recently spent on football tickets for him and his son. I feel a little hurt, as it made me feel less important than football tickets. Am I being shallow and ridiculous? I love the man but feel like an afterthought. Peace, Martine I can't disagree with you. It has to be at least a yellow flag. We are talking about football tickets for one game, right? Season tickets can run over a thousand. So many different ways to read this and I don't have a clue as to the character of your SO. Does this speak to his frugal nature? Does he put less value on relationships then in the past? If the price of the ring is directly related to his feelings for you then perhaps he asked you too soon. This is the type of incident that comes back up when there is a heated argument or is used to fuel undisclosed resentment. It all comes down to how you want to view it and I notice you didn't walk out. I would be wary of marrying someone that did not have equal feelings for me. It can put you in a very bad position. Love is idealized as unreserved and total trust but since this is your second marriage, I must assume you know different. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 5 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I can't disagree with you. It has to be at least a yellow flag. We are talking about football tickets for one game, right? Season tickets can run over a thousand. So many different ways to read this and I don't have a clue as to the character of your SO. Does this speak to his frugal nature? Does he put less value on relationships then in the past? If the price of the ring is directly related to his feelings for you then perhaps he asked you too soon. This is the type of incident that comes back up when there is a heated argument or is used to fuel undisclosed resentment. It all comes down to how you want to view it and I notice you didn't walk out. I would be wary of marrying someone that did not have equal feelings for me. It can put you in a very bad position. Love is idealized as unreserved and total trust but since this is your second marriage, I must assume you know different. Thank you for your response. This is my second marriage because my first husband died of liver cancer, so please reserve judgment on that point. Yes, he is frugal (in fact very much so), and this is why I am trying to be understanding. He doesn't know that I found the receipt, and I don't want to tell him. I don't want to hurt him. The price of the ring matters insofar as I feel like maybe I am not as important to him as other things (yes, it was one football game). And subtracting alimony, he still makes over $200k a year. Then again, it's entirely possible that I am blowing this out of proportion. I am disappointed in myself for feeling this way, but I just can't shake it. I want to bring it up with him, but I feel it would be morally incorrect to do so. I appreciate your advice and food for thought. I hope you stay safe and healthy during these uncertain times! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 hour ago, Lamartine said: this is a second marriage for both of us, and he is paying alimony to his first wife. Are you sure you want to remarry? It sounds rather high risk already. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 Take the receipt out of the junk drawer, take a pic and then put the receipt in a prominent position, so he knows you found it. Put the ring in the junk drawer, if you dare... With 200K a year and the ability to splash out on football tickets for him and his son, he needs to be able to explain to you why such a cheap ring was seen as acceptable. 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 If you liked the ring before you found out how much it costs, forget you saw the receipt. Maybe he got it on sale. I know where my DH got my ring & if he had purchased it in the US I don't get the stone I have. If you weren't crazy about the ring, now that you have concrete evidence of the financial disparities / views on money between you, it's a good place to start a conversation about finances & money in your marriage. Money is actually the # 1 cause of divorce even more then cheating. DH & I have a pre-nup. I think of it as inoculation against divorce because the required disclosures & the uncomfortable conversations the negotiations forced us to have taught us how to talk about the tough stuff. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 It's not shallow. This gives you a clue as to how much he's planning to invest in the marriage. His degree of cheapness is a lot more telling than how much money he has. A lot of divorced people are jaded and will never again invest as they did in their failed first marriage. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 hour ago, Lamartine said: I recognize that I am in a more fortunate financial position than he. He is getting a good deal here. Be careful. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 43 minutes ago, Lamartine said: This is my second marriage because my first husband died Yes, he is frugal (in fact very much so), Sorry to hear this, but he seems very bitter about paying alimony/child support and unfortunately, this will create financial struggles way beyond jewelry prices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you sure you want to remarry? It sounds rather high risk already. To be honest, now I am not sure. After my first husband died five years ago, I didn't expect to remarry. This makes me wonder what would happen if we had a real emergency: would I be stuck with the bill because of his frugality? It makes me wonder. One part of me knows that I am in my forties and independently wealthy, thus not needing to remarry: another part of me loves this man deeply and appreciate his kindness to me, particularly because I suffer from severe PTSD from watching my first husband die. My current fiance understands this (and the fact that my medication has made me fat) and loves me anyway. The ring issue, though, makes me wonder whether he is as devoted as I thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 Just now, Lamartine said: This makes me wonder what would happen if we had a real emergency: would I be stuck with the bill because of his frugality? * * * One part of me knows that I am in my forties and independently wealthy, thus not needing to remarry: another part of me loves this man deeply and appreciate his kindness to me, particularly because I suffer from severe PTSD from watching my first husband die. My current fiance understands this (and the fact that my medication has made me fat) and loves me anyway. The ring issue, though, makes me wonder whether he is as devoted as I thought. You seem to be choosing money over the man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: You seem to be choosing money over the man. Not at all. I am very fortunate to have inherited a fortune. I am actually more worried that I am willing to make sacrifices for him, but he is not able to make sacrifices for me. For example, he has no problem with me shelling out $2m for a house (yes, there will be a pre nup). I am not choosing the money: I am wondering whether I matter to him as much as he does to me. I am wondering why he wasn't able to go a little further than a few hundred dollars for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 I wouldn’t be able to move past this especially since he still makes enough after alimony to pay for a pricier ring. I agree this is probably a sign of the value he places on you and your relationship. And he doesn’t mind you putting out money that will benefit him but he’s stingy with his. I doubt this will be the only time he’s tight with his money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 7 minutes ago, Lamartine said: I am in my forties and independently wealthy Be very very careful. Many men would be very "kind" to reap that reward... maybe not so "kind" after the marriage though... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 Just be sure you are measuring what you value by the correct yard stick. Again, I think the process of getting a pre-nup helped strengthen my marriage. Start those discussions & see where that lands you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 There's no way I'd marry this guy. He's making it very clear that he's going to give the minimum and take the maximum. Women's intuition is powerful, and it's telling you clearly that this isn't right. You'd be better off single than with a guy like this making you feel devalued and demoralized. I've dated rich men who were cheap and moderate-income men who were generous with what they had (rich men who were generous, too). I'll never waste time with a cheap guy again. It just gives you a sick feeling, complete turn-off. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 15 minutes ago, Lamartine said: To be honest, now I am not sure. After my first husband died five years ago. My current fiance understands this (and the fact that my medication has made me fat) and loves me anyway. The ring issue, though, makes me wonder whether he is as devoted as I thought. Don't sell yourself short. Why not postpone the wedding? You don't want someone like this to have legal access to your money. In effect You will be paying his alimony and child support. Do you live together? Make sure All your money is in trusts for your children talk to your accountants and attorneys about that. He can be kind and love you without access to your money or you paying his wife's alimony. This is not really about the ring. This is about a guy who wants a rich second wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 Did you like the ring before you knew what it cost, OP? Is it possible that your fiance just doesn't see the point in spending a lot on an engagement ring but would be generous with you in other matters? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: This is about a guy who wants a rich second wife. And who thinks you are stupid enough to accept a cheap ring... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, introverted1 said: Did you like the ring before you knew what it cost, OP? Is it possible that your fiance just doesn't see the point in spending a lot on an engagement ring but would be generous with you in other matters? I had not seen it before he proposed, so, unfortunately, I really can't say. He doesn't realize this, but it's really a cheap wedding band. It doesn't even look like an engagement ring. Yes, that is completely possible. He is also undeniably frugal. Those are the reasons why I am so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, Lamartine said: it's really a cheap wedding band. It doesn't even look like an engagement ring. So no "sparkly" either? He is taking the Mickey... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: So no "sparkly" either? He is taking the Mickey... It has pave diamonds on the front half but definitely no stone that makes it look like an engagement ring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 If I were in your position, I would never marry again unless I was absolutely certain he was not marrying me for access to my money - or unless I were marrying someone with a larger portfolio than my own. When I first read your original post, I thought maybe he just doesn't equate the value of a ring to how much he values you. However, now knowing he makes over $200K and you are independently wealthy, he cannot possibly think you would accept a cheap ring. I would think long and hard before marrying him. I do agree that he would probably expect you to take care of the majority of expenses since he is aware of your situation. A prenup is definitely warranted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 32 minutes ago, Lamartine said: For example, he has no problem with me shelling out $2m for a house Why would he have a problem with you buying the house you wanted with you money? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 (edited) Trouble is as the grieving widow with PTSD you were extremely vulnerable and sorry to say, easy prey to a guy looking for a meal ticket and help to pay off his alimony. I suggest you make sure you do not marry him or get involved in anything financial with him for a long time. Lose the weight, get professional help for your PTSD and your low self esteem and get happy. I guess once you are properly healed and thinking straight, a guy like this, is the last thing you want or need. Edited October 8, 2020 by elaine567 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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