elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 Why did his marriage break up? 2 minutes ago, Lamartine said: he told me that he was in a hurry to buy one (not sure why yet) and just ordered what he could from Costco. This does not sound good at all. Could he be in trouble financially, so needs to rush into the wedding...? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 (edited) Have you told him that his admission that he was in a rush to buy something & that he got what he could at Costco made you feel like he doesn't care? I can't say that knowing he ordered your gift from Costco would make me feel special or cared about either. In fact I'm a tad miffed that when the box containing my anniversary present for DH arrived yesterday he muttered something about having to get me something. The anniversary is this weekend. I had to make the dinner reservations; I'm willing to give him a bit of a pass on that with Covid but the gift thing is getting under my skin because he's the on line shopper not me & stores aren't open for in person shopping where we are. I will not be happy with a gift from WalMart, Home Depot or the grocery store. A long engagement seems to be in order here too. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Do not bury your head in the sand about this. Do your due diligence & your discovery. Edited October 8, 2020 by d0nnivain 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Why did his marriage break up? This does not sound good at all. Could he be in trouble financially, so needs to rush into the wedding...? He was married for 34 years. My understanding is that the marriage was a youthful folly (early twenties). They did have children, though, and he wanted to stay until the youngest graduated from school. Regardless, though, I will not be rushing into a marriage. I am happy to be engaged, but I don't think the marriage should happen for at least a year. For all his talk about rushing into buying a ring, he does not seem to be in a rush to remarry immediately either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Have you told him that his admission that he was in a rush to buy something & that he got what he could at Costco made you feel like he doesn't care? I can't say that knowing he ordered your gift from Costco would make me feel special or cared about either. In fact I'm a tad miffed that when the box containing my anniversary present for DH arrived yesterday he muttered something about having to get me something. The anniversary is this weekend. I had to make the dinner reservations; I'm willing to give him a bit of a pass on that with Covid but the gift thing is getting under my skin because he's the on line shopper not me & stores aren't open for in person shopping where we are. I will not be happy with a gift from WalMart, Home Depot or the grocery store. A long engagement seems to be in order here too. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Do not bury your head in the sand about this. Do your due diligence & your discovery. Happy anniversary! I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. I hope you enjoy it anyway! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 38 minutes ago, Lamartine said: I appreciate your advice. I just made an appointment with a therapist to talk all of this through. Hopefully that will provide some clarity. Excellent idea to have a pro in your corner to help navigate some of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 Sounds like he's 15-20 yrs older than you...he's getting a pretty good deal. A much younger, wealthy woman, who's self esteem is in the dumps, who's willing to put down 2 million dollars cash for the house he wants and look the other way when he spends less than $500 on the engagement ring. You can't blame frugality when he's willing to pay more for football tickets...so what's the reason for a cheap ring? He was in a rush? He was in a rush to get engaged, but he's in no rush to get married? That doesn't even make sense. How does shopping for an engagement ring at Costco save time anyway? You can just as easily shop online at a jewelry store like Kay Jewelers or a store like Macy's as you can online at Costco. The only reason to go to Costco is to get bargain basement prices. I'd reevaluate this entire relationship from top to bottom. Take the therapy seriously and work on losing weight and improving your self esteem. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 9 minutes ago, Yosemite said: He was in a rush to get engaged, but he's in no rush to get married? That doesn't even make sense. I look at that the opposite way, I'd be happy to accept a gift, though I never wear rings not even a wedding ring when I was married, and it's fun to be in a committed relationship, but I'd have no desire to get married and join together practical responsibilities ( including finances ) Enjoy it for what it is, including the 'cheap' ring? I was married to a man who would have run into an expensive jewellry store, told the assistant to pick and wrap something, and it wouldn't have meant any more or less to him ( or me ) than a cheap gift! I'm not sure all people find such things important. Or life-or-death symbollic. And I like that he does things with his son...and that your relationship hasn't changed that. My son's dad dropped out of his life once a possessive new partner came on the scene. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ellener said: I look at that the opposite way, I'd be happy to accept a gift, though I never wear rings not even a wedding ring when I was married, and it's fun to be in a committed relationship, but I'd have no desire to get married and join together practical responsibilities ( including finances ) Enjoy it for what it is, including the 'cheap' ring? I was married to a man who would have run into an expensive jewellry store, told the assistant to pick and wrap something, and it wouldn't have meant any more or less to him ( or me ) than a cheap gift! I'm not sure all people find such things important. Or life-or-death symbollic. And I like that he does things with his son...and that your relationship hasn't changed that. My son's dad dropped out of his life once a possessive new partner came on the scene. That is such a positive way of looking at it, and your comment was very helpful. Thank you very much! I tend to be pessimistic, but, no joke, your comment made me look at this in a completely different way. You are much appreciated, and I wish the best for you a n d your family! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 This just goes to show how materialistic people have gotten .. When I got married I bought what I could afford. made payments on it and she never said a word about it. for our 20th I asked her to let me clean the rings as they were unusual in design to take pictures of them. they were paper thin after all those years. I then had a new engagement ring made with three large diamonds. I gave it to her for our anniversary and she was pissed because of what I had spent on it. I always thought all these years I originally gave her a quarter carat ring. it was real only a eighth carat, the original jeweler lied to me . Maybe waiting for the upgrade might be worth it? alimony isn't forever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 3 hours ago, ajequals said: This just goes to show how materialistic people have gotten .. When I got married I bought what I could afford. This is not an equivalent situation whatsoever. He can afford to spend even more on tickets to the game than he spent on an engagement ring, which is a symbol of a supposedly lifelong commitment. They're not two kids starting out. She said he makes $250,000 a year after alimony. Seems he can easily afford a decent ring, but doesn't want to invest much into the marriage. Any woman would be concerned about this, with good reason. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 Rather than listen to all the Debbie downers on here just give the ring back and call it a day. He doesn't need this 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 8 hours ago, Ellener said: I look at that the opposite way, I'd be happy to accept a gift, though I never wear rings not even a wedding ring when I was married, and it's fun to be in a committed relationship, but I'd have no desire to get married and join together practical responsibilities ( including finances ) Enjoy it for what it is, including the 'cheap' ring? I was married to a man who would have run into an expensive jewellry store, told the assistant to pick and wrap something, and it wouldn't have meant any more or less to him ( or me ) than a cheap gift! I'm not sure all people find such things important. Or life-or-death symbollic. And I like that he does things with his son...and that your relationship hasn't changed that. My son's dad dropped out of his life once a possessive new partner came on the scene. That's great. How would you feel if he bought you a cheap gift while pressuring you to spend 2 million dollars of your money on the house he wanted? The OP wants a condo, her fiance wants a 2 million dollar house that he isn't putting any of his money toward buying so that he can have a man-cave shed out back. Why can't he make the garage at the condo his man-cave like every other guy does? The problem is he's frugal when spending his money on the OP, but not when spending his money on himself and his son. He's frugal when buying the engagement ring for the OP, but not when spending her money choosing a house. She can be a doormat for this guy, or she can grow a back bone...I have never ever seen playing the doormat work out well for anyone. And I doubt it will work out well for the OP. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 you say the ring from costco makes you feel like an afterthought.....are there other ways he made you feel like an afterthought lately? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 11 hours ago, Yosemite said: He was in a rush? He was in a rush to get engaged, but he's in no rush to get married? That doesn't even make sense. My thought. IF he is rushing to get married he probably doesn't want to scare the horses, so he gets engaged first asap then he waits a little while. One day he says "Lets get married... tomorrow, next week, next month I can't wait to make you mine... we are not getting any younger, why wait?" and it all seems rather romantic and not rushed. BUT in reality he just fast forwarded the timeline to suit himself... The mistake he made was buying the cheap ring, but if he is financially strapped then he maybe couldn't afford better. Or he thought the OP would be so carried away with love and excitement she wouldn't notice... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 11 hours ago, ajequals said: This just goes to show how materialistic people have gotten .. When I got married..... Unfortunately your guy could be as bitter as this post.. So a wealthy widow would be a dream for him. When someone is this bitter you could pay the emotional and financial price for his materialism and bitterness about paying alimony. The ring is symbolic. He put no thought into it. In fact he may have well given you something out of a cracker jack box. It's almost as if he intended it to be a slap in the face. Talk with your people. Reconsider. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: One day he says "Lets get married... tomorrow, next week, next month I can't wait to make you mine... we are not getting any younger, why wait?" and it all seems rather romantic and not rushed. BUT in reality he just fast forwarded the timeline to suit himself.. Yup. Probably the real reason for the rush to get married is to tie the knot before the prenup is finalized and signed. He gave his whole game away buying that cheapo ring. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 9 hours ago, ajequals said: Rather than listen to all the Debbie downers on here just give the ring back and call it a day. He doesn't need this That's what I'd do too. Nothing kills love or hope for the future like self-doubt and negativity. There is no need to marry or spend vast amounts of money on homes or rings to make a successful relationship. 6 hours ago, Yosemite said: How would you feel if he bought you a cheap gift while pressuring you to spend 2 million dollars of your money on the house he wanted? If I didn't want to do it I'd just say no and that would be the end of it! Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted October 10, 2020 Share Posted October 10, 2020 I think there's so many different ways of looking at it, in the end you're just going to have to ask him. Delicately. With great care. My ring is, by most standards, pretty cheap. But as one of my main hobbies is working on cars, my husband's big goal was getting a ring that was tough to not break and not so valuable that losing it would be an issue. I appreciate his selection, and am quite pleased with it. It has been blonde-proof for three years so far. Like you, I also have my own money and my own property, so I don't really need him to spoil me with shiny stuff. I think he spends more on everybody else in the family than on me, and I'm OK with that. I spoil myself, and he puts up with me dragging home whatever new thing I've bought. The only strange part I see in this is a guy wanting to live in a house that his wife buys for him. Is he assuming you won't be happy living at his current place? I'd gently probe into his motivations on the home purchase. In my marriage, my husband already had a home and kids and there was no way I could be his wife and not move in. I liked my own house, but I sold it and that step worried me. It turned out OK, and my husband's surprise wedding gift to me was a totally remodeled master bathroom that not only mimicked the one in my house but actually improved on it. My point is, a relationship is an exchange. Not always financial, but there's a spirit of mutual giving that makes it healthy. If that isn't there or is only one-sided, that's where you get trouble. Only you can figure it out. Overall, my advice to you would be to evaluate how he shows his care for you every day. Like, if your sick, how does he act? If you're sad, what does he say/do? Does he show any kind of a protector/provider instinct toward you? I know you are independent, but that instinct ought to come out even if you don't need it. What are his reasons for wanting to marry you? What are his reasons for wanting to wait a bit? My engagement was 40 days long, so I can't imagine waiting a year....but some people do. You two need to sit down and figure out what your love languages are. What expressions of love do you value, and how to you prefer to show your love? Compare that to his answers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 10, 2020 Share Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) OP, you've gotten so much great advice on your thread. I don't want to repeat what others have already said. I just wanted to reach out in solidarity. Don't be worried about appearing "shallow." You come across as a thoughtful, caring, decent person. Good on you for looking out for your interests! I too would feel the same as you if I were in your position. Definitely put the breaks on the home purchase and marriage. If I were you, I would slow that waaaaay down, then keep my ears and eyes open for clues over the coming several months or so on how much he actually values and loves me as a person, and how reliable he will be as a partner. People can only disguise their true intentions for so long before they slip up in tiny ways with their behavior. I see the cheap ring as a case in point. Again, good on you for listening to your nagging doubts, and reaching out to others for confirmation/validation. Take everything slowly and the truth will reveal itself. Best of everything to you! Edited October 10, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 10, 2020 Share Posted October 10, 2020 Here is a different angle... Many years ago, I was dating this woman and she started hinting about getting engaged. I thought she would dump me if I didn't attempt to do something. I was finishing up a fixer-upper home and getting ready to sell it. Once sold, I was going to dump her and move far away. But I still wanted to have sex and didn't want to go through the whole process of finding someone new, as I was getting ready to "pull up stakes" and leave town. So I bought her a cheap $20 cubic ziconia ring and let her think it was real diamond. I still got laid, finished up the house, sold it and left town. She ended up with a fake piece of glass that was worthless. This guy might have purchased the cheap ring as a way to "lock this woman down" without worrying about her keeping the ring and him being out a lot of money. He may have no intention of ever marrying her, but wants her to think she is "the one". 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Share Posted October 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: This guy might have purchased the cheap ring as a way to "lock this woman down" without worrying about her keeping the ring and him being out a lot of money. He may have no intention of ever marrying her, but wants her to think she is "the one". Brutal but very plausible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 10, 2020 Share Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) On 10/9/2020 at 8:32 AM, Ellener said: That's what I'd do too. Nothing kills love or hope for the future like self-doubt and negativity. There is no need to marry or spend vast amounts of money on homes or rings to make a successful relationship. This is a prime example of the curse of wealth. It's not much different from all the stories about how winning the lottery ruined the person's life and cost them their relationships with those they loved. It's sad, really. Anyone here not read The Gift of the Magi, by O. Henry? This is that story in reverse. What an awful, awful shame. Lamartine, I'm glad you've made an appointment with a therapist. I hope that helps, but realistically it's not going to make all the issues magically disappear. This is about values and motivations, yours and his. You said that if he could not afford an expensive ring that it would have been okay... and it seemingly was until you found the receipt. What a shame that he didn't spend more AND keep the receipt out of sight. But it's also a shame that you equate the number on that piece of paper to your worth in his eyes. None of this is real –– it's all imaginary. I hope the two of you can get to a place where the money doesn't come between you. All you need to know is that he really loves you and it isn't all about the money. Which is the same place you were before you found the receipt. Give it some time and don't fall victim to extreme thinking in either direction. Give him the opportunity to correct his mistake with the ring (hopefully without you having to ask directly). Believe in love –– it is real for those who are able to open their hearts, assume the best, and not question motives at every turn. You have to stay above this base type reaction or the money could cost you the kind of joy that money can't buy. Eyes and heart open. Wishing you the best. Edited October 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed group berating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 (edited) In this thread, OP has mentioned other clues that are potential red flags. It's not about just a ring, or the dollar value of it. OP has every right to protect her heart and her purse. She's being prudent to look into matters that don't sit well with her. I believe there's a fair amount of consensus between men and women alikeon that point. Edited October 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed response to deleted comment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 OP, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you have every reason to be concerned and be second-guessing this. Wanting a 2 million dollar house on your fiancé's dime doesn't sound very frugal. Sure, he's way less well-to-do than you, but $200,000 after his alimony and child support payments is still a lot of money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 @HadMeOverABarrel Oh, I think there is gender bias at play here, which is not unusual. In this case it happens to be the same group who would never to split a check, who openly pursue hypergamy, and and shun non-traditional gender roles as being against the natural order. It doesn't sit well that a man is about to marry into a fortune –– that's a female aspiration, and entitlement. None of these people know the boyfriend, and they certainly don't have any inside information on his character or honesty. OP was happy with her relationship before the receipt showed up, and now they've got her to the point of being ready to throw him under the bus. OP is savvy and has a prenup, so it's not like the guy is going to abscond with the loot. I just think the presumption of ill intent is going way too far, and I don't think there is evidence of it either. If I am biased toward preserving relationships, so be it. I like to see things work out for couples. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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