Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: Why would he have a problem with you buying the house you wanted with you money? Because we are choosing the house together and planning to live in it together. It will be his home too, even if it technically belongs to me. Also, I would prefer a condo (he travels often for work, and I would feel safer), but he wants a house with an outbuilding he can use as a workshop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Trouble is as the grieving widow with PTSD you were extremely vulnerable and sorry to say, easy prey to guys looking for a meal ticket and help to pay his alimony. I suggest you make sure you do not marry him or get involved in anything financial with him for a long time. Lose the weight, get professional help for your PTSD and your low self esteem and get happy. I guess once you are properly healed and thinking straight, a guy like this, is the last thing you want or need. That is very insightful. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 So he is already spending YOUR money... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 8 minutes ago, Lamartine said: Because we are choosing the house together and planning to live in it together. It will be his home too, even if it technically belongs to me. Also, I would prefer a condo (he travels often for work, and I would feel safer), but he wants a house with an outbuilding he can use as a workshop. Did you tell him he needed to contribute to the house since he's the one who wants it? Why would you do this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: Did you tell him he needed to contribute to the house since he's the one who wants it? Why would you do this? Yes. I have had my lawyer draw up a pleading ensuring but he house is my separate property. He will will be paying the bills and doing all the maintenance. There will be no mortgage, though, so his share will be utilities, repairs, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 Have you actually bought the house or are you still at the planning stage? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 So you're buying a $2 million house you don't even want to keep this guy? And he can't even be bothered to get you a decent ring? I agree you're obviously not in a good place, thinking in a scarcity mindset, and he's attempting to exploit your weakness fully. This is a sad story. I think if you marry him, you'll regret it big time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 How often does he travel away? Does he have a property of his own to sell? Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 3 hours ago, Lamartine said: Am I being shallow and ridiculous? I love the man but feel like an afterthought. Yes, you are being shallow and ridiculous. And very materialistic. Did you want an expensive diamond ring or a solid second marriage? Seems like your priorities are mixed up b/c clearly your marriage isn't as important to you as having an expensive diamond ring is. You can afford a 2 million dollar house and you are whining about an inexpensive ring? 1 hour ago, Lamartine said: had not seen it before he proposed, so, unfortunately, I really can't say. He doesn't realize this, but it's really a cheap wedding band. It doesn't even look like an engagement ring. Yes, that is completely possible. He is also undeniably frugal. Those are the reasons why I am so confused. So he's frugal. SO WHAT!! You should have gone ring shopping with him in the first place, to show him the style of ring that you wanted. It seems like the theme of your responses is that wealth and status are really important to you. If you don't like your husband's financial habits, then why did you marry him? You say you love him. Do you love him for his wealth, or for who he is as a person and the way he treats you? 1 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 51 minutes ago, Lamartine said: Because we are choosing the house together and planning to live in it together. It will be his home too, even if it technically belongs to me. Also, I would prefer a condo (he travels often for work, and I would feel safer), but he wants a house with an outbuilding he can use as a workshop. Hmmm. He gets to choose the house and you get to pay? If you want to live in a condo because you'll feel safer, he should respect that. It seems to me this is going to be the beginning of many, many expenditures that HE wants, regardless of what you think. I'd put the brakes on the house, if it's not too late. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 2 minutes ago, vla1120 said: I'd put the brakes on the house, if it's not too late I would too... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Yes, you are being shallow and ridiculous. And very materialistic. Did you want an expensive diamond ring or a solid second marriage? Seems like your priorities are mixed up b/c clearly your marriage isn't as important to you as having an expensive diamond ring is. You can afford a 2 million dollar house and you are whining about an inexpensive ring? So he's frugal. SO WHAT!! You should have gone ring shopping with him in the first place, to show him the style of ring that you wanted. It seems like the theme of your responses is that wealth and status are really important to you. If you don't like your husband's financial habits, then why did you marry him? You say you love him. Do you love him for his wealth, or for who he is as a person and the way he treats you? Oh, I misunderstood. You're the wealthy widow and he has zero wealth. I assumed he was wealthy too, but just frugal. But he's not wealthy at all? Just average salary below yours? If wealth and status are important to you then why would you marry someone like him? If he can't even afford to buy you the wedding band that you want, and he wants you to buy him a 2 million dollar house that he couldn't afford to buy himself. It still makes you seem silly and materialistic. I don't think you and he are on the same page at all. I think if you proceed to marry him, he will drain your finances fast and you could end up broke within the year. This thread reminds me of that Helen Mirren movie, The Good Liar where Helen Mirren pretends to let Ian McKellen (a con man who pretends to woo elderly wealthy widows for their money) woo her, only to seek revenge on him (which doesn't apply to your thread, just the two main characters). Edited October 8, 2020 by Watercolors 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lamartine said: It will be his home too, even if it technically belongs to me. Excellent. Keep everything in your name. Edited October 8, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 3 hours ago, Lamartine said: The price of the ring matters insofar as I feel like maybe I am not as important to him as other things (yes, it was one football game). And subtracting alimony, he still makes over $200k a year. 43 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Oh, I misunderstood. You're the wealthy widow and he has zero wealth. I assumed he was wealthy too, but just frugal. But he's not wealthy at all? Just average salary below yours? He seems to be financially stable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, introverted1 said: He seems to be financially stable. Oh I need to slow down reading posts. Thanks for that correction. This sounds like a combination of War of the Roses and Good Liar (both good books and movies). 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Have you actually bought the house or are you still at the planning stage? I am in the planning stage.after this, I am having serious doubts about doing it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: He seems to be financially stable. Water colors, since when is his $200k plus not financially stable? It's a very generous salary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 8 minutes ago, Lamartine said: I am in the planning stage.after this, I am having serious doubts about doing it. Good to hear. I think the ring is not the issue but a symbol of some real problems you need to consider . Perhaps you can simply not marry or mingle finances? It's good you are giving some thought to this. Again, the ring was a catalyst. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: I would too... No, it is not too late. The house is on hold now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Good to hear. I think the ring is not the issue but a symbol of some real problems you need to consider . Perhaps you can simply not marry or mingle finances? It's good you are giving some thought to this. Again, the ring was a catalyst. Thank you. I agree. There is no rush to marry, and I think I am going to give it plenty of time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Watercolors said: Yes, you are being shallow and ridiculous. And very materialistic. Did you want an expensive diamond ring or a solid second marriage? Seems like your priorities are mixed up b/c clearly your marriage isn't as important to you as having an expensive diamond ring is. You can afford a 2 million dollar house and you are whining about an inexpensive ring? So he's frugal. SO WHAT!! You should have gone ring shopping with him in the first place, to show him the style of ring that you wanted. It seems like the theme of your responses is that wealth and status are really important to you. If you don't like your husband's financial habits, then why did you marry him? You say you love him. Do you love him for his wealth, or for who he is as a person and the way he treats you? The issue is whether I am a priority to him, not wealth. I was not invited ring shopping. Also, what do you mean asking why I married him? We are not yet married. The ring didn't need to be expensive, just thoughtful. Edited October 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed personal attacks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: How often does he travel away? Does he have a property of his own to sell? Before COVID he traveled about thirty percent of the time. He sold his house but did not get much equity out of it. Thank you for all of your advice! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Lamartine said: The issue is whether I am a priority to him, not wealth.* * * The ring didn't need to be expensive, just thoughtful. I skipped down to here but . . . How do you know it wasn't thoughtful? You did learn it wasn't expensive. The cost of the ring does not measure your value to him IMO. My wedding band was about $500 I think. He may have put a lot of effort into the ring. However if you think that your value to him is measured by the price of your ring, I think perhaps marrying him may not be the best choice. You said you are a lawyer with an iron clad pre-nup. Ehhhhh. . . as a lawyer you would know that nothing about those agreements is iron clad. Among other things the courts will look at how long each party had to review them? did both sides have counsel especially if you are a lawyer & he's not? was it a contract of adhesion? how long the marriage was? etc. It seems odd to me that you would have the pre-nup already before the marriage proposal & that if you have it, that you remain reluctant to talk about money. I thought you said that the deed to the house was solely in your name & that as an asset that was acquired by you from your funds prior to the marriage that asset was excluded from the definitions of marital property even if you marry later. Vastly different then a full on pre-nup At a minimum I urge you to come clean with him about finding the receipt & how it made you feel. Do not marry with this hanging over you. I think you two need to have a lot of conversations about money before you marry. If you don't have the conversations up front & you allow the feelings you are experiencing now to fester you will divorce & it will be ugly. Only you can prevent this by TALKING to HIM. Edited October 8, 2020 by d0nnivain 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: I skipped down to here but . . . How do you know it wasn't thoughtful? You did learn it wasn't expensive. The cost of the ring does not measure your value to him IMO. My wedding band was about $500 I think. He may have put a lot of effort into the ring. However if you think that your value to him is measured by the price of your ring, I think perhaps marrying him may not be the best choice. At a minimum I urge you to come clean with him about finding the receipt & how it made you feel. Do not marry with this hanging over you. I think you two need to have a lot of conversations about money before you marry. If you don't have the conversations up front & you allow the feelings you are experiencing now to fester you will divorce & it will be ugly. Only you can prevent this by TALKING to HIM. We actually just had this talk. I know it wasn't thoughtful because he told me that he was in a hurry to buy one (not sure why yet) and just ordered what he could from Costco. It's so much more about the fact that he can spend twice what the he spent on the ring on basketball tickets. As I said before, if he couldn't afford a ring at all, I would still be with him. The problem for me is that I feel like a low priority. All I want is to feel that I am important to him and not an afterthought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted October 8, 2020 Author Share Posted October 8, 2020 3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: So you're buying a $2 million house you don't even want to keep this guy? And he can't even be bothered to get you a decent ring? I agree you're obviously not in a good place, thinking in a scarcity mindset, and he's attempting to exploit your weakness fully. This is a sad story. I think if you marry him, you'll regret it big time. I appreciate your advice. I just made an appointment with a therapist to talk all of this through. Hopefully that will provide some clarity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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