I don't know what to do or where to turn

[laurenlo]

Hello All, 

I'm in a 4 year old relationship with my daughter's father and he has a lot of issues, like a lot guys. Just to name a few: he's on very high dosage prescription medications for anxiety, depression, bipolar, and more recently his doctor added medication to treat alcoholism and a antipsychotic that treats schizophrenia. I do not remember falling in love with this person, at all. I always knew he was on medications for anxiety and depression, but over the course of years seeing him go down this distasteful path really has me questioning my love for him. I know that reading this, I may sound selfish or as if I'm self centered, this really isn't the case. Over the years, I have poured out so much to this man that I ended up hurting myself in the long run. He has a very severe drinking problem, so when he binge drinks, he has these episodes of saying things that causes me to hate him. He has been to rehab once before and on day 2 of being out, he relapsed really hard. He just got out of the same facility about three days ago and he's totally different. He's on such high dosage of medications, it's like I'm talking to a programmed robot. I don't know who he is. He literally gets exhausted just from doing daily task like picking up food or making a simple store run. It's sickening to see because if i'm not doing anything with the kids due to me being busy or trying to get homework done, he does nothing. HOW CAN YOU DO NOTHING & ALWAYS COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING TIRED ? I'm so confused. Not to mention, he has an erectile dysfunction from all those medicines he pushes down his throat 5-6 times daily. I don't know the last time I saw or felt him erected. His penis was never really the biggest, but I overlooked it initially because we always were intimate, now it's like I have no choice but to notice it. I find my mind wondering about other men at times because I never get sex from him so I'm at the point in my relationship like "I'm not getting it from him, why should I give up my sex life at 25, we're not married". I'm between a rock and a hard place because I know love this guy but not like this. Am I wrong? Like I just feel as if this wont work, he isn't stable & I really can't relate to him anymore. I don't know what to do, I really don't. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, laurenlo said:

my daughter's father

He has a very severe drinking problem

Unfortunately, you already know what you have to do. You need to get yourself and your child out of this horrible and unhealthy situation. You also know you love is not going to fix or change him. You need to get out.

[stillafool]

How old is he and where are his parents?  Maybe you can talk to them and ask them to take him.  You aren't married to him so you basically can get your daughter and leave.  Can you stay with your parents?

[vla1120]

Number one, you certainly shouldn't have to give up your sex life at 25! Number two, you are not married. That's a free pass to exit stage left. You need to ask yourself these questions - Is this the life you want for your children? Is this how YOU want to spend the rest of YOUR life? You can go on the internet and read all about growing up with an alcoholic spouse or parent. It is not a happy upbringing nor marriage. 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, laurenlo said:

Hello All, 

I'm in a 4 year old relationship with my daughter's father and he has a lot of issues, like a lot guys. Just to name a few: he's on very high dosage prescription medications for anxiety, depression, bipolar, and more recently his doctor added medication to treat alcoholism and a antipsychotic that treats schizophrenia. I do not remember falling in love with this person, at all. I always knew he was on medications for anxiety and depression, but over the course of years seeing him go down this distasteful path really has me questioning my love for him. I know that reading this, I may sound selfish or as if I'm self centered, this really isn't the case. Over the years, I have poured out so much to this man that I ended up hurting myself in the long run. He has a very severe drinking problem, so when he binge drinks, he has these episodes of saying things that causes me to hate him. He has been to rehab once before and on day 2 of being out, he relapsed really hard. He just got out of the same facility about three days ago and he's totally different. He's on such high dosage of medications, it's like I'm talking to a programmed robot. I don't know who he is. He literally gets exhausted just from doing daily task like picking up food or making a simple store run. It's sickening to see because if i'm not doing anything with the kids due to me being busy or trying to get homework done, he does nothing. HOW CAN YOU DO NOTHING & ALWAYS COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING TIRED ? I'm so confused. Not to mention, he has an erectile dysfunction from all those medicines he pushes down his throat 5-6 times daily. I don't know the last time I saw or felt him erected. His penis was never really the biggest, but I overlooked it initially because we always were intimate, now it's like I have no choice but to notice it. I find my mind wondering about other men at times because I never get sex from him so I'm at the point in my relationship like "I'm not getting it from him, why should I give up my sex life at 25, we're not married". I'm between a rock and a hard place because I know love this guy but not like this. Am I wrong? Like I just feel as if this wont work, he isn't stable & I really can't relate to him anymore. I don't know what to do, I really don't. 

I recommend that you find a sober living house for your boyfriend. Every city in the U.S. has those. You can Google "sober living" + "name of your city" to find them listed. Then, email each one and find out their criteria for admission. Then, contact your boyfriends' doctor or social worker (if he has one) and tell them this is your plan.

It will be far easier for you to leave your boyfriend, if you can get him into a sober living house with other men first.

Otherwise, you'll have to pay a break lease fee plus a deposit on a new place, if you don't have any family or friends who will take you and your daughter in. Or, you'll have to find a homeless shelter. Or rent a hotel room by the day.

 

[d0nnivain]

Do not cheat.  

Instead start going to Al-anon meetings they are on line.  You need to understand your role in being in love with somebody with substance abuse problems.  When you learn more about his disease & addiction, you will figure out what to do with the support from that group.  

[mark clemson]

You have made him your responsibility, but he is not ACTUALLY your responsibility. It's your decision to continue this.

There is no reason to cheat if you simply leave. He may end up on the street. Perhaps you cannot bear this. But if he cannot prevent that, then you will be saddled with him either forever, or until he can turn his life around, which certainly sounds like it will be never. If he discovers your cheating, he will just have one more reason to "give up".

If you stay, will your daughter have good role models from EITHER the father or the mother?

If you leave, will your daughter have good role models from BOTH the mother, and eventually the father(-figure)?

Everyone needs to make their own decisions, but to my mind one is by no means "letting someone else down" if you GENUINELY TRY to help them for 4 years and everything gets worse, not better. There is a time to realize you are not a nurse, therapist, etc.

[Pumaza]

Its doesnt sound as a good place for the kid to be.

Im sure there were signs of this when you met him. But you may have ignored and hoped you could change him or the situation.

Talk to him  about getting help by talking to a therapist. His real issues may be from past trauma.

And eventualy support him from a distant if you breakup,and let his closest freinds know that he started therapy so he can have a support system of others.

And sure allow him to see his kid,but with someone around.Because he doesnt sound stable to be alone with a kid.