I haven't cheated on my gf, but I've come pretty close online, and I feel awful about it (but cant stop)

[leftear]

So my gf and I have been together for 2 years now (both 24), and since COVID happened, we haven't been having much sex. There are quite a few reasons behind this, but to bring you to speed, my gf has definitely been more receptive sexually lately, and I can't blame her for what's been going on with us lately. In the 6 months since the pandemic started, though, my gf was just completely unresponsive to anything sexual or romantic while we were apart (we dont live together). I felt really lonely and a bit rejected, so I would frequently go on reddit and speak to people about kinks, role play, etc. I never once shared any personal info about myself, a picture, or anything like that, and have no clue who I was speaking to, but once I was done, I still felt really awful, but helpless in a way, as I didn't know any other outlet for my sexual energy (I try to refrain from visual porn as much as I can). I'd frequently delete my accounts, go clean for a week or so, then find myself doing the same BS and feeling absolutely guilty over it. Now that I'm seeing my gf again, things are better sexually, and shes incredibly clingy (in a good way) when we're together, but there's such a disconnect when we're not together (she'll leave me on read a lot, very mush when she texts me, and she does it a lot, etc.) and I find myself doing the same thing again and again. I don't worry about getting caught or anything, but I just want to stop what I'm doing and reconnect with my gf, but she doesn't make it easy. If I try to be affectionate with her over text, she reacts very indifferently, which will throw me down that rabbit hole again. It feels even worse because she's always sending me videos on instagram and all that, so it's hard to make sense of her behavior. When we're together though, she talks about our future together, never wants to leave, so it's all very confusing. We had a fight a few weeks ago that had me consider leaving her, but the though of doing so tore me up, which was my way of knowing I am definitely in love with her still, as in reality I wouldn't want to touch another woman sexually or romantically. any help would be greatly appreciated here, as I want to cut this out and focus completely on us, not put my energy towards dumb things

[leftear]

As an addition, I don't deny what I've done is bad and almost as bad (if not just as bad) as cheating, and I fully accept that. I just want to talk about moving past this awful habit I picked up over quarantine

[Mystery4u]

So what did she say when you talked to her about these things that are bothering you in the relationship?

[leftear]

3 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

So what did she say when you talked to her about these things that are bothering you in the relationship?

She acknowledged sex was an issue, but like I mentioned things have become as good as they can be at the moment. As for her behavior that seems odd to me, I don't want to call her out on it because at the end of the day she reaches out to me far more often than I do to her over text, and I don't want to seem insecure or overly needy, as I recognize these things are pet peeves of mine that are aggravated because that's just what bothers me a ton personally.

[Wiseman2]

 

42 minutes ago, leftear said:

 I felt really lonely and a bit rejected, so I would frequently go on reddit and speak to people about kinks, role play, etc.

Don't blame your gf, don't blame covid, don't blame sex that's lacking, etc.  You are too young to be stuck in a relationship, it's that simple. Your coping habits are pretty bad, and don't blame anyone for that.

This is very very simple. Break up with your gf and set yourself free. stop stringing her along. Get off the Reddit toilet and stop feeling entitled to sex. Sow your wild oats, but not while enjoying the security blanket of a gf.

[leftear]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Don't blame your gf, don't blame covid, don't blame sex that's lacking, etc.  You are too young to be stuck in a relationship, it's that simple. Your coping habits are pretty bad, and don't blame anyone for that.

This is very very simple. Break up with your gf and set yourself free. stop stringing her along. Get off the Reddit toilet and stop feeling entitled to sex. Sow your wild oats, but not while enjoying the security blanket of a gf.

You're 100% right about my coping mechanism being awful. I don't want to be "free", though. i couldn't see myself with any other woman (forever, if my gf feels the same way), and I would be more than happy if things were the way things were during our first year (not in terms of limerence). I really miss the affection and romance that we had, and I consider that the best time of my life. Obviously getting off reddit is priority #1, and I don't intend on going back, but leaving my gf is the last thing I want to do. Physically (and emotionally), I hate the thought of being with anyone else. I just felt like this was the best way to relieve myself without using actual pornography, but ultimately I want help in doing anything i can to bridge the gap that's present in the relationship

[Watercolors]

24 minutes ago, leftear said:

You're 100% right about my coping mechanism being awful. I don't want to be "free", though. i couldn't see myself with any other woman (forever, if my gf feels the same way), and I would be more than happy if things were the way things were during our first year (not in terms of limerence). I really miss the affection and romance that we had, and I consider that the best time of my life. Obviously getting off reddit is priority #1, and I don't intend on going back, but leaving my gf is the last thing I want to do. Physically (and emotionally), I hate the thought of being with anyone else. I just felt like this was the best way to relieve myself without using actual pornography, but ultimately I want help in doing anything i can to bridge the gap that's present in the relationship

What Wiseman is saying, is that, based on your digital activities on the Reddit toilet (and it IS a toilet), you are not capable of being in a long-term relationship with your current g/f at the moment.

The fact that you blame everyone and COVID for your bad habits online, rather than stop yourself, means that you are not sexually satisfied by normal sexual behavior and require far more than your girlfriend is capable of providing you with. You are not in the same realm of sexual preference as your girlfriend.

You should seek out support in the form of BDSM groups in real life, and date women who have polygamous relationships with multiple partners. That's what will probably help you; to stop fitting a square peg (your sexual preferences) into a round hole (your girlfriend's sexual preferences). And yes, I realize what I just typed has double meaning.

Basically, you're someone who would probably be better off with being in an open relationship so you can have multiple sexual partners without constraints.

I think you should break up with your girlfriend. Let her be with a more conventional guy whose sexual preferences match hers. Yours do not match hers.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, leftear said:

 but there's such a disconnect when we're not together (she'll leave me on read a lot, very mush when she texts me, and she does it a lot, etc.) and I find myself doing the same thing again and again. I don't worry about getting caught or anything, but I just want to stop what I'm doing and reconnect with my gf, but she doesn't make it easy. If I try to be affectionate with her over text, she reacts very indifferently, which will throw me down that rabbit hole again. It feels even worse because she's always sending me videos on instagram and all that, so it's hard to make sense of her behavior. When we're together though, she talks about our future together, never wants to leave, so it's all very confusing.

There may be more than meets the eye here, however it's too soon to say for sure.

One issue is you seem to have different communication styles, and you're taking that personally to a certain extent. I suggest you try not to. Recognize that she's just communicating in a way that's natural for her, not trying to aggravate you or make you feel insecure. (That's actually easier said than done, but that issue is PART of this.)

I think you will be happier once (if) you both live together, assuming this goes full LTR.

You could try gradually introducing very light kink and see how she responds and where that ends up taking you.

[ajequals]

Your problem is very simple to me. Go see her or call. don't text. then you will know how she feels. Texts can't show  emotion

[spiderowl]

What exactly is missing from your present relationship? Is it affection or the kinky things you are finding on Reddit?

[SumGuy]

@leftear

I'm not certain chatting over the internet about you sexual likes and dislikes is cheating.  Unless you are flirting and hitting on people (as opposed to just agreeing with each other and sharing views) don't see the cheating aspect emotional or otherwise.

On texting, you are probably reading too much into that.  Some people just are not fans of the medium and prefer others.  Take her communication and love language in totality, not just one type of communication.