Past fantasy messing with my reality

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I am going to echo what Ruby suggested.   You're not the only person who can work on this account.  You can ask your boss to perhaps reassign this account to another person and you can still support the on the backend.  Your colleague could be the key point contact if you're very uncomfortable about the situation.  It could be considered harassment given all the non-business questions he's throwing at you.

I'm going to one step further and challenge you read the the OW/OM forum.  I know you don't think you'd ever be susceptible to it, but beware of that hubris. You'd be very surprised at how it often happens (in your case, I'd dare say that you've fallen prey to the attention, even as you're mildly resisting).  You're enjoying the attention and not pushing back firmly.  There is actually nothing wrong to admit that you enjoy the attention either since it IS flattering. At the same time, you have to understand that you are playing with fire whether you know it or not.  It all starts very harmlessly and when you play with fire, you can get burned.  There is a riskier factor because you had built him up in your stories too since you used him as your muse. 

Lastly I don't think there's anything wrong with writing erotic stories, if that's your interest and passion.  But keep stories separate from reality.  That's how you protect your relationship. Good luck.

Can't do anything with boss, see my reply to Ruby for that info. 

I'm scared to read the OW section. I already have a friend whose husband has a mistress and she stays with him anyway. They're both idiots. He doesn't love my friend , but she still collects his money and sits home all day while he spends most of his time with the OW. They have 2 kids and he doesn't want more. He actually made his mistress get an abortion. This has been going on for 3 years now. My friend won't leave because she loves him and thinks he'll come to his senses eventually. It's very depressing.

I already feel pathetic as it is and looking back on my posts from the past few days makes me really question my sanity. This is not me. I am under a spell driven by my writing. 

I'm glad you guys are here helping to pull me out the fog. Please don't let me go. I see the sunshine up ahead. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 hours ago, princessaurora said:

this

 

this

 

this

 

and this is not helping to chill me out . I had to go turn down my a/c after reading all that! lol

 

I think this is highly unlikely. Why would he wait till I was in my 40's? I've been there for a long time and my fb page has been up for many years indicating that. And what are the odds of him deciding to reenter my life while I just happen to be writing an erotic book about him there is no way he could have known about? This just seems a little farfetched. 

Nonetheless, since I can't work on my story right now or possibly ever again, I've  refocused my energy to pick apart this situation while trying to view it mostly from his point of view and this is what I believe most likely is happening.

His boss decided to move their accounts because the institution they were with merged with another company and she did not like the new company or the changes. She is the president so those decisions are hers to make. They did their  research, chose my company to continue their business with,  and then she came in to get the accounts started.(This is fact confirmed by her when we first met.)

I really don't think he knew it was me till our first skype call or he may have checked out my LI page to put a face with the name once he found out who their new banker was. At that point, he most likely realized it was me because I have" that girls "name and I don't look all that different. (People still recognize me from high school when i'm out and about. I've aged well and could still easily pass for 30 something. A guy I used to live across the street from growing up came in the branch late last year and he also recognized me right away. I look pretty much the same, just older.) From there, he probably expected me to own up to who i was when he started asking questions that would confirm it (what's your real last name, where did you grow up?, you remind me so much of this girl my sister used to hang with)  That's when my guard went up and I wouldn't give him the answers he expected. It  made him think I was a bit of a tease and set him on a quest to find the truth because he is completely unaware this is all to protect my future pullitzer prize winning novel. So then he turns to fb to see if he can find evidence that I am without a doubt that girl he wanted to bang back in the day.  Maybe he found his proof, maybe he's still not sure, but regardless he's intrigued now because i won't come clean, he still finds me attractive,  and he's taking this all the way to the bedroom if that's what it takes to get me to admit i'm her. If it turns out he's wrong, he still walks away knowing he just screwed my doppelganger and that will satisfy the tiny itch that's laid dormant for many years, the same dormant itch that was activated late last year for me when I made him a character in my book. So he amps up the compliments (you're really pretty, I love your hair, i've always been a sucker for a girl with curls, that shirt really brings out your eyes, etc. ) the charm, dogs the wife/marriage a bit, (I want to refi my house but not with my wife, you never know what can happen, i would love to be single and living in my rental property, wife calls him while we're on skype, he looks at phone "I don't want to talk to her right now") and then tries to reel me in to complete his master plan  because he's got to win this game (i want a number i can reach you on 24/7, we need to discuss the future of my business in person, how about meeting me at a restaurant). Then when I tell him i don't eat out right now, he  gets a little irritated and brings up my anniversary dinner he supposedly saw on fb through a mutual friend of his wife in an attempt to guilt me into meeting him. It doesn't work so then he basically demands that I meet him sometime in the future because getting me alone is his key to winning the game and collecting his prize. Maybe he's done this before, maybe this is a first time, but at nearly 50 he just can't resist the temptation to play all the way through, no matter the consequences, because he needs validation that he's still got what it takes. And by getting nasty with his younger sisters friend or her lookalike, he will get it. 

This is much more believable to me than him plotting for years to come back in my life and seduce me. I think the opportunity fell in his lap, his desire was reactivated, and now he's just got to scratch that itch. The difference between him and I is that I will just have to let that itch go dormant again or even find an antidote to eradicate it completely because there is no way in hell I am going to allow myself to go there with him. 

The boss knows for the most part. I gave him a simplified version. He said he will not get involved in my interactions with clients because it can make them uncomfortable knowing he's my boss. He feels it would only make a long term banker like myself look incompetent. But he did say I could bring someone with me and pass them off as a "trainee." I'm pushing for two associates though if it comes to that. Need as many people to keep me in check as possible.  

 

No, I've been brutally honest. i figure it's the only way to get the help I really need though some may think I'm a terrible person for the thoughts  I'm having. 

I will make sure me and my coworkers travel there and back together, you can be sure of that if I ever do have to go to an external business meeting. But i really hope his interest burns out before then. 

I know right! 

 

I can't bring myself to kill an animal for food and especially not sport. I don't condone those who do for food, but me and husband could never do it. Hunting and fishing have always been dealbreakers. If you can sit there and watch an animal die, knowing you caused it,  you're not the person for me. 

 

Very true. 

Yes, i did cry like a baby. it felt so horrible to have a thought like that pop up in my head out of nowhere when I'm supposed to be present with my husband in that moment. 

 

Thanks so much for your input SincereOnlineGuy. It's much appreciated and you've given me alot to absorb. 

 

I don't know (when would have been the correct 'moment' ) to hit reply and respond to the first notion.

 

I don't mean to suggest that this hunk of a guy WAITED UNTIL YOU were  'in your 40's'  to see if your pants were still as HOT as they seemed they might have been when you were 17...

 

he likely 'waited'   until the point when HE became bored or dissatisfied with his own love life...  (whether that be  age 29, age 36 yrs,  21 week, and 3 days, or just a few weeks ago)... and at THAT point in time (actually, it was a "period",  be it minutes, hours, or days) he thought of you...  (maybe his sister phoned on July 9, 2012, and THAT's when he thought of you... after he lost his huge lust for his wife and his married life).

 

THEN he went roaming through Facebook, or wherever...   and you were easy-enough for him to hunt down...    and he merely took mental NOTES that you are a banker...  and only more recently, when there was cause for needing a banker,  did he leap into action to (effectively invite himself around to survey your qualifications for  what he had in mind )

 

NOW I'm gonna read the rest...

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 hours ago, princessaurora said:

Wow Ruby Slippers, I feel like you and i are kindred spirits because I've been wondering the same thing!  What if i do play the whole fantasy out on paper or in my case on my laptop? Would that give me closure and the strength I need to nip this in the bud?  Or would that make me want him even more because the dreamer in me believes there's a small chance he may just be able to live up to that fantasy? I'd love to write the whole thing out because I am really missing my outlet right now. But if I do so, I run the risk of making this whole situation more dangerous. 

 

I understand the consideration to write it out...    

BUT that feels like getting nearer to  (the long-term bad place)  than further away from it.

 

For then you have created for yourself a fully-detailed blueprint...    (sorta like an actress having done a "read-through" for a part)...     making her know with greater clarity that the part is, or isn't for her.   (which makes great sense if you're an actress... but as you can't even be expected to be unbiased  toward mere probability and randomness,   the specifics are likely to make you even more drawn TO (the image OF him) )

(that is to say:     you care likely 'incapable'   of writing a screenplay {about THIS specific encounter} without it including considerable allure from the position of the one-time  17yo girl )

(at least in real life, the guy might fart  at some point)

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

16 hours ago, princessaurora said:

 

My family is obviously more important. Lust will not overrule love. I will ultimately choose my husband and children no matter how this plays out.

 

That's a fine theory to have,  but others who go down this path too often reach a place where, by it playing out,  they lose the option to be the one with the choice.

So you need foresight  (and I clearly recognize that you have a good lot of it, but it has to be proactive to some degree, because reactive  will potentially leave that puddle)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

6 hours ago, princessaurora said:

There is something else I haven't brought up because I don't want a pity party. A few of you may already know as I've mentioned it in passing before. I have interstitial cystitis. It's a bladder condition that causes excruciating pain and for several years I couldn't have intercourse at all. This was so hard for me because I am a super sexual person and my life's joy was suddenly stripped from me. My husband supported me but got very frustrated we couldn't make love for so long. He thought it was an excuse for not wanting to sleep with him anymore which angered me so much. l lashed out at him. I wouldn't even let him hug me for quite some time because I was so afraid he'd try to escalate things and it was just too painful to have sex. I completely lost my sexuality in his eyes because he believed I didn't want him anymore, but he never cheated to my knowledge (if you think he did, keep that to yourself). I worked very hard to heal my body. First by giving up all the foods that irritated my bladder which meant no chocolate, tomato sauce, citrus, alcohol, and alot more. If I don't want to flare up, I can never have those things again. I also developed PFD from locking my bladder muscles up in an attempt to avoid the pain. This is what made sex unbearable. It took about 3 years of internal physical therapy and home care to get my life back. But I still viewed sex as something that would trigger that pain again. My doc and therapist both recommended I find something that would make me feel sexual again without having sex, so I dove  into reading erotica and loved it so much. I started to feel like my  sexual self again, but felt I could write as good as them or even better. This triggered memories of how sexy I used to be and feel and I started writing stories mostly starring young me and a famous person or fictional character. I still get flares from time to time but I distract myself by writing. It's become my outlet for all the physical and mental stress in my life. Most of the time though, as long as I stick to my diet and do my home care ( dilation, relaxation), I'm ok. My husband knows I write and he knows it triggered me to return to my normal self. He loves "practicing" sex scenes with me. It makes our sex life so much better because after writing, I'm raring to go, and he never thought we'd get back to that. We both know I need my writing to keep my sexuality in check because when I get those flares without something to keep my libido active, I go into a dark asexual place and that's the last thing we want happening. It took him so long to see me as his hot sexy wife again and I don't want to lose that over this dang condition. I had to initiate a long time before he was secure enough to start things himself and now that he can't keep his hands off me again, it feels really good. 

This is why my stories are so important to me. I associate them with my healing and my sexuality. Plus, I've already given upmuch, I need a guilty pleasure. I can't drink, I can't eat chocolate, so I write. Other than sex, it's the only guilty pleasure that hasn't been stripped from me and I need it. And to a certain extent, my hubby needs it so I can be intimate with him instead of cringing when he touches me. This is why I was guarding my story like it's a treasure map. 

But I also feel like since I went without sex for so long, my sex drive is like a volcano just wanting to erupt more than it ever has before and that's where choosing my latest story to be someone who does exist was a obviously a bad idea. But how was I supposed to know that? I mean I haven't been 17 in forever, I barely knew him, but even at that young virginal age, he made my va jj tingle. So,  I was like oh yes, here's the only guy I regret not screwing back in the day, and it's going to be going to be so much fun to act it out on paper. My husband thought it was great and women will love it because most of us have at least one guy we wish we could have got with in our youth, but never did. So I started the steamy story to live out the hot passionate sexy fling I wish I would have had with my friends fudgehawt older brother. Then when I'm more than halfway done, he comes back from out of nowhere. WTF? How is this happening. Is someone trying to sabotage my book? Dude, please go away, you're not real to me anymore. 

Only he is real, and flirty, and very possibly accessible for me to have that hot passionate sex in my book. And he's looking at me like he did back then and how he does in the book giving that fantasy supreme fuel. And I just got my groove back not that long ago so I'm oozing with sexuality, and maybe have more of it than my husband can take on, so why not spread it around a little while maximizing my guilty pleasure. 

Could this possibly be what's going on? I think so which means I have to kill this particular fantasy because its coming very close to being TNT. 

 

 

God, you are SO natural with causes and effects... (meaning:  "normal")   and way too many people are seeing a demon in your thoughts, and it just doesn't sound accurate at all.   YOU are a realist  (pause for my wishing for a great way to work in the current-events word  textualist   in some idiotic way) and the myriad of cheaters out there do not understand this self-responsible internal battle ongoing before such time as when one lands in {or avoids} a tempting setting.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

5 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

 

 in my experience, people who work this hard to rationalize something usually have a reason. what's yours? why this guy? sure, there's other men you could have chosen, but beyond this guy being someone from your past, why does it have to be him that's the focus of your literary works?

 

That impulse doesn't cut it.

 

This guy IS PRECISELY the character who is "safe" to use for a 40-something, married female erotica writer.  He's from the PAST (before any commitments to her current love life), he has a special "awe factor"  because of his relative age, AND seeming 'safety' relative to (other 'older' males around a typical 17yo).   THIS GUY is also somebody she never investigated  sexually...   so she's free to let that story roam however she chooses.

 

THIS particular woman just had the most unlikely reappearance by her  long-ago role-player.   (even without his knowing any 'role' he played)

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

24 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

(that is to say:     you care likely 'incapable'   of writing a screenplay {about THIS specific encounter} without it including considerable allure from the position of the one-time  17yo girl )

 

 

(correction from above :     that should read     "you ARE likely 'incapable'... "  )

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 10/12/2020 at 5:18 PM, princessaurora said:

He wants to validate his ego by winning the game. I want to validate mine by bringing the fantasy to life. These two things are a recipe for disaster, so I must find a way to squash both the game and the fantasy. 

Astute observation. I vote not saying anything about knowing him in the past. It will only fan the flames that are already near dangerous. I think you should find a way to tell your husband about this guy. 

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Astute observation. I vote not saying anything about knowing him in the past. It will only fan the flames that are already near dangerous. I think you should find a way to tell your husband about this guy. 

That all depends on what's driving him. If he is pursuing me because I won't admit who I am then once I confirm it, he should lose interest. 

But if his interest is not being driven by that and is more because he knows who I am and wants the satisfaction of getting it on with the girl he wanted back in the 90s, then yes, it would definitely fan the flames. Especially if it leads to a discussion about that time period. 

So, I'm not sure what to do about the denial of my identity because telling him may dissolve this right away or it may blow up in my face. 

I have thought about telling my husband, but if I do, I'm not admitting to my desire. I'll only tell him the guy I've been writing about opened an account with us and has been increasingly flirting with  me and it's getting to be a bit too much. I can't tell him any more than that or he may get into an altercation with him and that could majorly affect my job. 

[princessaurora]

4 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

God, you are SO natural with causes and effects... (meaning:  "normal")   and way too many people are seeing a demon in your thoughts, and it just doesn't sound accurate at all.   YOU are a realist  (pause for my wishing for a great way to work in the current-events word  textualist   in some idiotic way) and the myriad of cheaters out there do not understand this self-responsible internal battle ongoing before such time as when one lands in {or avoids} a tempting setting.

I don't feel evil. Now if I acted on them. Then, I would. But many of one's thoughts are not controllable. I do feel bad and guilty about them though. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I tried to convince myself he was just playing around. That it's just innocent flirting he does on a regular basis because he needs the validation he's still desirable, but he's not going to act on it. It's all in good  fun. On the surface he seems like a good guy. He's handsome, well educated, intelligent, married with 2 daughters. Surely he would never cheat. He's just not that type of guy and I know I'm not that type of woman. 

You have no idea if that is true. 

My guess is that this is not his first rodeo, given how bold he's been with you. He's a bit too comfortable complaining about his marriage. A bit too comfortable in his fishing. It strongly suggests that this type of flirtation is not unfamiliar to him, OP, and this is not the first time he's blurred the boundaries. You might find that once you start realizing that he's likely done this before, you won't feel so flattered and special being the object his sleaziness. 

He sounds less like a man who just can't help himself but flirt with you and more like a man who makes a habit of chasing skirts. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

That all depends on what's driving him. If he is pursuing me because I won't admit who I am then once I confirm it, he should lose interest. 

But if his interest is not being driven by that and is more because he knows who I am and wants the satisfaction of getting it on with the girl he wanted back in the 90s, then yes, it would definitely fan the flames. Especially if it leads to a discussion about that time period. 

So, I'm not sure what to do about the denial of my identity because telling him may dissolve this right away or it may blow up in my face. 

I have thought about telling my husband, but if I do, I'm not admitting to my desire. I'll only tell him the guy I've been writing about opened an account with us and has been increasingly flirting with  me and it's getting to be a bit too much. I can't tell him any more than that or he may get into an altercation with him and that could majorly affect my job. 

I very much doubt it will stop if you admit your identity. This is not a mild fascination for him. As others have said here, he has an agenda and is much too comfortable for this to be his first "flirtation." He seems rather practiced to me.

My first impression from your original post was exactly this: This is a game to him. It's all about whether he can break you down. If you admit your identity, he'll only use that as another angle to work.

It excites him that you are not just attractive, but pose a challenge. The fact that you are married makes it even more exciting to him. That way, if he eventually succeeds in conquering you, he has TWO feathers in his cap: one for conquering you and anothering for one-upping your husband by getting you to break your marital vows. 

Caution: this guy is no more the sweet, hot, charming boy you once knew. He has evolved into a womanizer who has no qualms about denigrating his own life partner, marriage, family, employer, and anyone else in the path of his ego games such as you, your employer, your family, and everyone you hold dear.

And THAT IS NOT SEXY...not in the least. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This guy is majorly disrespecting you. Here is another idea for you...

You could grow some lady ballz 😉, and tell Fabio where he can get off.

Something like the following should be sufficient. The very next time he crosses the line, IMMEDIATELY respond in a very direct, no nonsense tone, "That comment you just made makes me feel very uncomfortable. In fact, all the comments you've made like that one have made me uncomfortable to the point it's interfering with my ability to perform my job, and not in a good way. I am a happily married woman. I can't imagine any man who would ever be more perfect for me in any way other than my husband. If at any point I indicated anything to the contrary, I apologize for confusing you. Please stop making comments to me like the one you just made. This is a business relationship. I am a professional, and I'm never going to step outside the bounds of behavior as I define a professional relationship. I hope I've made myself clear on this. If this happens again, I'm going to have to escalate the issue with both our companies and that could get very messy for everyone. Have I made myself clear to you?"

If your manager were to say anything to you about this should it get back to him, remind your manager that your manager told you to handle it and that's exactly what you did. 

And you still need to tell your husband...protect your marriage and relationship by telling him especially the stuff that you're afraid to say. Just do it in a way that is kind and sensitive to him. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, princessaurora said:

That all depends on what's driving him. If he is pursuing me because I won't admit who I am then once I confirm it, he should lose interest. 

But if his interest is not being driven by that and is more because he knows who I am and wants the satisfaction of getting it on with the girl he wanted back in the 90s, then yes, it would definitely fan the flames. Especially if it leads to a discussion about that time period. 

So, I'm not sure what to do about the denial of my identity because telling him may dissolve this right away or it may blow up in my face. 

I most sense that your admitting to BEing that  (possibly LONG-already-THERE  "fantasy" )  will in his mind equate to further encouragement  to (find out how wet you are).

 

It doesn't sound like a well-considered strategy.

[Negotaurus]

Hi, I must say I did not read all of the thread but I have a suggestion. 

But first, why on Earth are you even replying in any way when he asks you where you grew up at, what your name is etc etc. Stop. Ignore and answer his questions that actually have something to do with your job. Stop giving him "mysterious", "intriguing" answers to feed upon. Stop romanticizing this and be professional. You don't need to answer his advances. If you do, it's because you want to. You're married, respect that.

Edited October 14, 2020 by Negotaurus

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it sounds like he's done this many times before and you're just another fun challenge for him. I also agree that only a creep badmouths his wife as a ploy to entice another woman. He may look good but inside he seems pretty rotten.

[Amethyst68]

You do realise this is a real life middle aged man who is married with a family? 

This is not the character you created for your story or the romanticised young man you remember from your youth. 

I'm not sure who you think you're flirting with here. 

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I very much doubt it will stop if you admit your identity. This is not a mild fascination for him. As others have said here, he has an agenda and is much too comfortable for this to be his first "flirtation." He seems rather practiced to me.

If you admit your identity, he'll only use that as another angle to work.

It excites him that you are not just attractive, but pose a challenge.

FWIW, I tend to agree with the above points as well @princessaurora.

[kismetkismet]

I think you need to also consider how healthy an outlet your erotic novel is.. I very much doubt this whole situation would have spiralled out of control like this if you didn't have such an obsessively vivid fantasy life about this man. Even if he'd flirted with you, it wouldn't have held the same unlikely-romantic-mystery that it does now. He'd just be some attractive guy you knew a million years ago. 

Psychologists say that parts of our brain don't completely separate what we imagine from what is real. That's one of the reasons they discourage indulging in worry fantasies and worst-case-scenario thinking, because it creates REAL stress where there shouldn't be any. Part of you is experiencing it and allowing it to grow to something that at least feels like a possibility. Even engaging in this thread makes the fantasy more real (as a pp posted).

Take a step back and stop indulging this fantasy.  Casually let him find out who you really are and know that it isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Converse with him as little as possible and remain professional. You're indulging in the idea that you are somehow powerless in this because he's a client and they only want to work with you. Just because you are in client relations doesn't mean that you need to engage in any personal relationship with this guy. If he gets offended somehow and goes to someone else - that's perfect! You obviously have a good enough reputation at work and crossing emotional boundaries is NOT YOUR JOB.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

2 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

I think you need to also consider how healthy an outlet your erotic novel is.. I very much doubt this whole situation would have spiralled out of control like this if you didn't have such an obsessively vivid fantasy life about this man. Even if he'd flirted with you, it wouldn't have held the same unlikely-romantic-mystery that it does now. He'd just be some attractive guy you knew a million years ago. 

Psychologists say that parts of our brain don't completely separate what we imagine from what is real. That's one of the reasons they discourage indulging in worry fantasies and worst-case-scenario thinking, because it creates REAL stress where there shouldn't be any. Part of you is experiencing it and allowing it to grow to something that at least feels like a possibility. Even engaging in this thread makes the fantasy more real (as a pp posted).

Take a step back and stop indulging this fantasy.  

This sounds like a reference to some random woman writing about Paul Reiser circa 1994.

 

It represents somehow blaming the woman's liking for the would-be Paul Reiser  for the complete randomness that Paul Reiser  effectively walked into her bank.

 

Surely at times Paul Reiser and Fabio go to banks.   Yet one shouldn't be made to rearrange his/her life based on the minute chance that  Paul Reiser  might  walk into the bank where she works.

 

This woman accepted normal long odds (as she rightfully should have)... and that extreme longshot just happened  (back into her life) (if only to complicate it).

 

She has already explained in considerable detail how healthy her "erotic novel"  is...   and it's fine.

 

 

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Hi, I must say I did not read all of the thread but I have a suggestion. 

But first, why on Earth are you even replying in any way when he asks you where you grew up at, what your name is etc etc. Stop. Ignore and answer his questions that actually have something to do with your job. Stop giving him "mysterious", "intriguing" answers to feed upon. Stop romanticizing this and be professional. You don't need to answer his advances. If you do, it's because you want to. You're married, respect that.

In this area, we are super personable with people. It is typical conversation to discuss where we grew up, went to school, what our maiden name is (to see if we might have mutual friends/acquaintances)., how many kids we have. It;s just a way to find connections with our clients. They make us cookies, we may lend them our favorite book, etc. This is the norm for us. We consider it "small talk". Been doing it for 20 years. Refusing to answer or deflect on those questions is something we generally don't do and goes against the norm for us.That's just how it is in Cajun Country. I don't answer his advances, just his questions, like I would with anyone else. 

[princessaurora]

19 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I very much doubt it will stop if you admit your identity. This is not a mild fascination for him. As others have said here, he has an agenda and is much too comfortable for this to be his first "flirtation." He seems rather practiced to me.

My first impression from your original post was exactly this: This is a game to him. It's all about whether he can break you down. If you admit your identity, he'll only use that as another angle to work.

It excites him that you are not just attractive, but pose a challenge. The fact that you are married makes it even more exciting to him. That way, if he eventually succeeds in conquering you, he has TWO feathers in his cap: one for conquering you and anothering for one-upping your husband by getting you to break your marital vows. 

Caution: this guy is no more the sweet, hot, charming boy you once knew. He has evolved into a womanizer who has no qualms about denigrating his own life partner, marriage, family, employer, and anyone else in the path of his ego games such as you, your employer, your family, and everyone you hold dear.

And THAT IS NOT SEXY...not in the least. 

I just really think me acting intriguing and mysterious may have triggered something in him to "chase" me.  It's not like as soon as we started skyping, he was like "Hey there, sexy." At first it was just intro level friendly convo. " Hi, M I'm A How are you? How's your day going? " His demeanor did not change till I started deflecting the questions that are totally normal and I think because he does turn me on so much I may have said it in an alluring way.(My bff came over this morning and she was the one who brought this up because I do tend to flirt a bit) I definitely didnt say "I grew up in a house", that is my real last name" with a stern face. It probably had a little bit of unintended sultriness to it because I'm a natural flirt, this guy is sexy af,  and I can't help myself. Especially considering I've had visions of doing him since last December, and even though he's a bit older, he still has that damn pantydropping smile.  So, when he said back about my last name "mmm hmm, sure it is" with that aphrodiasical smirk, I'm sure I had a sexy expression.

If the book didnt exist, I would have said "I grew up in A, my maiden name is B,  Oh yeah, i remember your sister, how is she? " Now I probably would have been thinking "damn, he's still sexy af,I wish I would have got to hook up with him back in the day," but it would have been a fleeting thought and quickly put on the back burner because as a loyal happily married woman, that's how i'm programmed. But my desperate attempt to protect my guilty pleasure, came off  to him as being coy, and even if he is not a womanizer, he may have found that sexy/challenging and can't help react. So yeah, it's very possible he's done this many times before, but it's also possible that it was triggered with my little guessing game I never meant to start because there is a certain allurement about it and now we're both throwing those same looks at each other like we did back at his house in the 90's, so it's on like donkey kong,   

 

[princessaurora]

20 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

And you still need to tell your husband...protect your marriage and relationship by telling him especially the stuff that you're afraid to say. Just do it in a way that is kind and sensitive to him. 

I have told him, it didnt go well at all. I'll get to that in a bit. 

[princessaurora]

19 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I most sense that your admitting to BEing that  (possibly LONG-already-THERE  "fantasy" )  will in his mind equate to further encouragement  to (find out how wet you are).

 

It doesn't sound like a well-considered strategy.

That may be a risk i'm willing to take because I want this over and done. 

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree it sounds like he's done this many times before and you're just another fun challenge for him. I also agree that only a creep badmouths his wife as a ploy to entice another woman. He may look good but inside he seems pretty rotten.

I agree with you on the dogging his wife, but if he is reacting to the game i started all he wants to do is win, so he may not be thinking clearly. This is something I discussed with my bff this morning.