Past fantasy messing with my reality

[princessaurora]

Since ya'll are going back and forth about EA's, I'll tell you why i don't  believe this is/ was an EA.

I had an EA with my husband when we first met. I was only 19 and had a boyfriend for a few weeks, but I was not into serial dating. It's never been my thing. One guy at a time.  I met him at an off campus party my boyfriend and I attended and I knew the minute we met, he was the one. Call me cheesy, but I just knew. But since I didn't have the heart to dump my current boyfriend I didn't do anything about it at the time. But hubby got my number out the school phonebook and called me. We became friends since I had a boyfriend even though in the back of my mind I knew we'd eventually be more, but I never even saw him until I broke up with the other guy. However,  we would talk on the phone daily for hours and hours and our conversations were deep, intense, and we talked about everything including sex. That to me was a true EA without a doubt  because I basically fell completely in love with him before we had our first official date. After about a month I finally broke up with the boyfriend because I knew it was the right thing to do for him and me and other than a short breakup pre marriage, we've been together ever since. 

With this guy, I converse with him about banking a few times a week. He throws a comment here or there that triggers my sensuality because of the fantasy he represents. It's 95% business talk with just a hint of flirtation. It's not like we're having ongoing deep conversations about the world around us or professing our undying love to each other. This is absolutely positively not love. It is pure lust driven by a fantasy world I created with the intent to be the sex kitten my husband wants and deserves.. So to compare that to what me and the actual EA hubby and I had, is apples and oranges. 

[FMW]

I think it's likely some of those basically saying the husband shouldn't have a big problem with any of this would feel differently if it was THEIR wife in this situation.

I'm not beating up the OP, just saying be real.  I think divorce would be an over-reaction, but he's got a legitimate reason to be unhappy and need some time to process it all.  Sounds like he's been patient with her in the past - now it's her turn to return the favor. 

BTW, I don't think it's an EA, but his wife's sexual crush on another guy is probably a hard thing for a guy to deal with.  It's not like she just thinks some random dude is hot and enjoys checking him out.  She's documented her fantasies based on someone who looks exactly like him in her stories.  She's pictured him while having sex with her husband - even if she didn't explicitly tell her husband that he's probably guessed it.   

[mark clemson]

56 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

This is absolutely positively not love. It is pure lust driven by a fantasy world I created with the intent to be the sex kitten my husband wants and deserves.. So to compare that to what me and the actual EA hubby and I had, is apples and oranges. 

Heh. Well of course you're entitled to your opinion as well. You say you felt a lot of lust towards him, to me that qualifies it as an EA (in that the lust was significant). There are of course shades of grey when talking about EAs.

"Sexual crush", significant office flirtation, "just" lust, EA. More important is likely to be what your husband thinks of it.

Edited October 15, 2020 by mark clemson

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

So does that mean you're on the side of   "tell your spouse the truth"   or on the common sense side? 

The fact that she did  fess-up SO fully further underscores that her priorities are what she's always maintained.

No I wouldn't have recommended that she confess any of it. But if we break it down into logical aspects, knowing that some client is hitting on her wouldn't be a huge issue for most men as long as they have confidence that their wife sees it as an annoyance and is determined to shut it down. But telling him that the man is the real life Mr. Fantasy from her erotic novel, and that she is obsessing over him sexually and is having trouble controlling it... that's more than a reasonable man can deal with, and he shouldn't have to. It breaks the couple's solidarity, loyalty, and the us against the world confidence. It leaves him feeling humiliated, emasculated.

I don't doubt her motives. I understand that one can be tempted and loyal at the same time. But with OP this whole hyper-sexual fantasy thing is not being kept in it's box with the lid closed. When I was in my 30s-40s (and married) I ran a business of a glamorous nature, and I was da man. There were offers and opportunities. But I kept it zipped and I sure as hell didn't run to tell my wife how tempting they were, or how hard it was to turn them down. I didn't even tip her off that I had opportunities. The fact that anyone could think that would be healthy for a marriage just baffles me. 

The therapist encouraged OP to indulge fantasies to get her back into sexuality after her medical issue and years of celibacy. But whereas most people don't have a problem distinguishing between fantasy and reality (separate boxes), and are really careful about what type of fantasies are allowed to even be considered as fodder for experimentation, OP's lines of demarcation seem to be blurred to nonexistent.  I hope it all works out for the best, but this strategy of delegating resistance to others because she doesn't trust herself is just not going to work I'm afraid. At least not in a conventional marriage.

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

  She's documented her fantasies based on someone who looks exactly like him in her stories.  

 

She has documented these fantasies through the eyes and mind of a teenage female focusing on this person whose image remains twenty-three.

The part where 48yo him wandered back into her life remains an accident.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

 

I don't doubt her motives. I understand that one can be tempted and loyal at the same time. But with OP this whole hyper-sexual fantasy thing is not being kept in it's box with the lid closed. When I was in my 30s-40s (and married) I ran a business of a glamorous nature, and I was da man. There were offers and opportunities. But I kept it zipped and I sure as hell didn't run to tell my wife how tempting they were, or how hard it was to turn them down. I didn't even tip her off that I had opportunities. The fact that anyone could think that would be healthy for a marriage just baffles me. 

This wasn't about  "healthy for a marriage".

This was about getting da fuq off the tracks before  the locomotive derailed her entire life (vs. the recognizable-to-all-but-her small  part that it seems to have claimed in the present).

In order to do that, she had to leap...  and she landed on some rocks  (and they HURT).

 

 

[Zona]

My WW cheated on me relatively early in our marriage with a co-worker, so that so that is where I am coming from. That's why I could recognize your wayward thinking with such ease. My wife resisted for a long time too, but he finally talked her into it. Just like Mr. Hotpants, he was incredibly persistent and it paid off for him.

I think being honest with your husband is the best thing you could have done, and you need to keep being painfully honest. If he comes to believe that you are hiding your true feelings or your actions (like heavy flirting), that will be bad, because that will be a betrayal of trust which is difficult to recover from. Bringing this out into the open gave you some consequences before you went too far, so it may have kept you from giving into temptation. It gave you a dose of reality. Most men divorce unfaithful wives.

Every healthy human understands about lust and crushes. I don't think that is what is bothering your husband. I think what is bothering him is that you purposely continued to develop this lust and crush through your writings, and that you flirted heavily (by your own admission) with the object of your lust when you had the chance, to the point where the dude propositioned you. Maybe you should send the email to his wife. That might cost you your job but save your marriage.

I do think your marriage is salvageable, just continue to be truthful and don't hide ANYTHING, but always turn it around in a way that shows he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ignore those who advise being dishonest and trying to cover things up. Any BS will tell you that is worse than any actual acts of betrayal.

Edited October 16, 2020 by Zona

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, Zona said:

Maybe you should send the email to his wife. That might cost you your job but save your marriage.

I do think your marriage is salvageable, just continue to be truthful and don't hide ANYTHING, but always turn it around in a way that shows he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ignore those who advise being dishonest and trying to cover things up. Any BS will tell you that is worse than any actual acts of betrayal.

Yes. Definitely send the email to his wife. It should bring everything to a grinding halt.

Your actions are not matching your words.

 

[mark clemson]

⬆️⬆️  - Uh, how about it bringing her career to a grinding halt along with it?

The risk of this action getting back to her boss is high. Meanwhile, "hotpants" just makes some excuses to his wife. "I was bored, she came on to me. You don't see it in the emails but she's a bit of a bunny boiler. I'm sorry honey, I'll never do it again."  All is forgiven. Of course with her boss, it's another story. You emailed an important client's wife to complain about him instead of coming to us?? Very unprofessional! Next time layoffs come around, BOOM, she's gone.

Your husband's pissed off, then you lose your job, then perhaps he divorces you anyhow and you are stuck a single divorced mom with medical issues...

Lovely advice. It might not all work out that way, but it certainly could. This emailing the wife definitely steers it in that direction. People come to a board for advice and get guilt tripped into completely fuxxing up their own lives.

OP, in case it's not clear, I suggest you really think it through before taking this action. Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone. You get to live with the consequences of your actions.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Zona said:

I do think your marriage is salvageable, just continue to be truthful and don't hide ANYTHING, but always turn it around in a way that shows he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ignore those who advise being dishonest and trying to cover things up. Any BS will tell you that is worse than any actual acts of betrayal.

⬆️⬆️ FWIW, I think at this point THIS is great advice. I may have advised "covering things up" pre-discovery, but now that the gig is up, that strategy tends to become a huge mistake. The good news is there really isn't THAT much to cover up, depending on how your husband views all this.

[princessaurora]

17 hours ago, salparadise said:

No I wouldn't have recommended that she confess any of it. But if we break it down into logical aspects, knowing that some client is hitting on her wouldn't be a huge issue for most men as long as they have confidence that their wife sees it as an annoyance and is determined to shut it down. But telling him that the man is the real life Mr. Fantasy from her erotic novel, and that she is obsessing over him sexually and is having trouble controlling it... that's more than a reasonable man can deal with, and he shouldn't have to. It breaks the couple's solidarity, loyalty, and the us against the world confidence. It leaves him feeling humiliated, emasculated.

I don't doubt her motives. I understand that one can be tempted and loyal at the same time. But with OP this whole hyper-sexual fantasy thing is not being kept in it's box with the lid closed. When I was in my 30s-40s (and married) I ran a business of a glamorous nature, and I was da man. There were offers and opportunities. But I kept it zipped and I sure as hell didn't run to tell my wife how tempting they were, or how hard it was to turn them down. I didn't even tip her off that I had opportunities. The fact that anyone could think that would be healthy for a marriage just baffles me. 

The therapist encouraged OP to indulge fantasies to get her back into sexuality after her medical issue and years of celibacy. But whereas most people don't have a problem distinguishing between fantasy and reality (separate boxes), and are really careful about what type of fantasies are allowed to even be considered as fodder for experimentation, OP's lines of demarcation seem to be blurred to nonexistent.  I hope it all works out for the best, but this strategy of delegating resistance to others because she doesn't trust herself is just not going to work I'm afraid. At least not in a conventional marriage.

 

They became blurred because something I couldn't even fathom came to fruition. I have been a banker for a long time, so I've had opportunities to go there before, but I've never wanted to, ever no matter how hot the guy was. My husband said many years ago. He doesn't understand why people cheat. Why would you risk losing the one you truly love and choose to spend your life with for a night or two of pleasure. It's just not worth it. This was because of the amped up sexuality and the man whose been the center of that for the last 11 months every single day ingrained in my head suddenly reemerging in my life. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

This was because of the amped up sexuality and the man whose been the center of that for the last 11 months every single day ingrained in my head suddenly reemerging in my life. 

Did it never occur to you that this sexual obsession was not exactly good for your marriage, even before the object of that obsession suddenly showed up?

[introverted1]

Do I have the timeline right here:  You started writing your erotic novel 10 months ago and 6 months ago the object of your erotica, someone you hadn't seen in ~20 years, showed up as a client?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

 You started writing your erotic novel 10 months ago and 6 months ago the object of your erotica, someone you hadn't seen in ~20 years, showed up as a client?

Heh, +1 for "manifestation".

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Did it never occur to you that this sexual obsession was not exactly good for your marriage, even before the object of that obsession suddenly showed up?

It started as a way to rejuvenate my marriage because I had become completely turned off by sex due to my condition. I've been writing for years and it's been a huge part of my recovery. I've just never written about anyone non-fictional before. 

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Do I have the timeline right here:  You started writing your erotic novel 10 months ago and 6 months ago the object of your erotica, someone you hadn't seen in ~20 years, showed up as a client?

I started writing around Dec. In May his boss came in and opened some accts. She then informed me she would need to add another member to the account and that member was him. He lives about an hour and a half from here and I didn't want to see him so I insisted on having him sign the papers at the branch by his house, which he did. But he primarily handles the business and I'm their banker since they opened the accounts with me. So when he needs something he calls, emails, or sets an appt to skype. We've offered to transfer the account to his closest location, but they said they only wanna deal with me. So since May he's been contacting me to discuss the business, but in a much needier way than the average client. That's the simplified version. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by princessaurora
Grammar

[princessaurora]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

⬆️⬆️  - Uh, how about it bringing her career to a grinding halt along with it?

The risk of this action getting back to her boss is high. Meanwhile, "hotpants" just makes some excuses to his wife. "I was bored, she came on to me. You don't see it in the emails but she's a bit of a bunny boiler. I'm sorry honey, I'll never do it again."  All is forgiven. Of course with her boss, it's another story. You emailed an important client's wife to complain about him instead of coming to us?? Very unprofessional! Next time layoffs come around, BOOM, she's gone.

Your husband's pissed off, then you lose your job, then perhaps he divorces you anyhow and you are stuck a single divorced mom with medical issues...

Lovely advice. It might not all work out that way, but it certainly could. This emailing the wife definitely steers it in that direction. People come to a board for advice and get guilt tripped into completely fuxxing up their own lives.

OP, in case it's not clear, I suggest you really think it through before taking this action. Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone. You get to live with the consequences of your actions.

I am not emailing the wife. I agree. I would take the situation to HR before I did that.  Even my hubby says  he doesn't want me quitting or losing my job. (Yes, he's home and we had a joint therapy session a little while ago.) It's covid  times. Job stability is not a given. What if I quit and then hubby gets laid off? Then after we go through our emergency funds, we're up the creek. This guy doesn't live around here.  His boss does. He needs to go to his local branch and establish a relationship with a banker there if he's going to constantly need something. 

He emailed me back today. All he said was "does anyone else know about this?" I told him "no, and whether or not it stays that way is up to you" 

I did not tell him I showed it to my husband because that is against bank rules and I could get in hot water for it. But that is how hubby advised me to respond to him. 

If he does this on the regular, I'm sure his wife will catch him eventually. And if this was a first time potential mistake, he better take his get out of jail free card and run.

I'm giving him the chance to walk away from this unscathed because anything else could affect my family and my job. I just hope he takes it. 

 

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

I started writing around Dec. In May his boss came in and opened some accts. She then informed me she would need to add another member to the account and that member was him.

Is part of this story missing?  I find it amazing that you started writing about this guy you hadn't seen for 20 years and then just a few months later, he shows up. That's either a crazy level of coincidence or something has been left out.

[princessaurora]

42 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Is part of this story missing?  I find it amazing that you started writing about this guy you hadn't seen for 20 years and then just a few months later, he shows up. That's either a crazy level of coincidence or something has been left out.

So do I.  It's mind boggling and some people here believe I'm using it to get ideas for my book. I would have a hard time believing it myself if I wasn't living it. But unfortunately this is my life right now. 

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, princessaurora said:

So do I.  It's mind boggling and some people here believe I'm using it to get ideas for my book. 

After looking at your history,  I'm confident this is true.

[salparadise]

10 hours ago, DKT3 said:

After looking at your history,  I'm confident this is true.

I don't get the impression that OP is gaming us or anything. I sense sincerity in the way she expresses herself and talks about the situation. Yes, the situation is unusual and makes for a great story, but that doesn't equate to her being disingenuous.

What intrigues me is how this fantasy life of her's overlaps and interplays with reality. Most people keep the two separate, but she almost has a sense of entitlement to the indulgence, and is thoroughly enjoying it at the same time she asks for help in resolving it. If this were a man talking about the same situation, people would be calling him an ass-hole and telling him to get a grip on his dirty imagination. But being female, and a self-proclaimed ultra-hottie, she elicits a lot of sympathy and understanding (but not from everyone of course).

I sympathize to some extent based on having had experiences of my own that were also unusual and still fodder for some pretty erotic fantasies. But for me, there were hard boundaries... not because of amazing self-discipline, but because of an over developed superego that prevented me from following through. OP has a superego too, which has probably saved her from a disaster here... but I suspect that for her the fantasy world is a lot less separate, and being someone for whom the world has always beaten a path to her door, the entitlement is real and palpable and confusing, i.e. the confession to her husband and admitting to him that she actually craves to schtup the guy! Then being surprised that he had a negative reaction rather than saying, "Oh honey it's okay, I appreciate you being honest with me." And then it actually blows over in a day! 

Lessons to be taken... men, if you want a peaceful, secure, and loyal relationship, be careful about going all in for ultra-hotties who have always gotten everything/everyone they wanted. And if they identify as Princess-xyz, make sure you buckle your seat belt!

Edited October 17, 2020 by salparadise

[princessaurora]

So we did a couples therapy session. It went pretty well, but got a bit emotional. Hubby was kind of standoffish at first but once I expressed how sorry I was and reassured him how much I loved him, he softened up a bit. I told him the reason I had been wanting to tell him about it was because I did feel like it was a situation I was in the midst of losing control of and when that's happened to me in the past, ( with unwanted sexual attention)  he's always been able to help me resolve it. I just held off because I didn't have the heart to tell him I was having thoughts about the guy because it would be like a fantasy come to life, and I really thought I was going to be able to handle it on my own. That's all I said. I think anymore of that would just be pouring salt into the wound.  He said the moment I admitted to wanting to have sex with this guy, it brought him back to that time when I wouldn't let him near me. He instantly felt like I didn't want him again. He said all through that period even though he thoroughly researched my condition to try and understand it, he always felt like if I really wanted to, I could push through the pain and give him the intimacy he so desperately needed, and since I pulled away anytime he touched me, he really felt I was just using my condition to push him away. I assured him that is not true. My love and desire for him has only grown stronger thru the years, but it really does turn you into the shell of the person you once were. It is a horrible condition. I was in so much pain at times, I just prayed for God to take me. But once I found the right doctors and was able to start healing, I turned all that around and I wanted us to have that amazing sex life we so enjoyed before Interstitial cystitis tried to steal my life away.

In order to get there, I had to immerse myself in an extreme sexual state that took me back to the days long before I was sick and I flooded my mind with fantasies and wrote stories to continue moving forward towards recovery. Sex is a powerful tool and fantasizing/writing is/was the only thing that could distract me when I had setbacks on my recovery because before all this I lived for sex and me and hubby couldn't get enough of it, so going from that to nothing fairly quickly was devastating. So he gets where I'm coming from even though he did roll his eyes at me so obviously there's still still issues to work out regarding his true perception of that 3 yr dry spell and how pissed off I was he didn't understand I didn't want that to happen anymore than he did.

So, we are being referred off for more couples counseling. I will also be continuing individual therapy because she feels like I was bordering on an addiction with this ,( much like alcohol or drugs)  and wants to make sure I don't fall back into it after a short period. She doesn't think I should stop writing because it does help me through those times I'm teetering on falling into that asexual place again at the first sign of a flare up, but she recommended I switch to complete fiction ( vampires, fairies, witches), something that could never actually occur in real life and obviously not to envision past lovers or ones I wanted as lovers. That shouldn't be too hard. I love fairies as you probably already know by my avatar. She also advised not inserting myself in the story for awhile if I can help it, because that will only keep me in the place I'm slowly trying to pull myself out of. The key is to keep feeding the sex drive ( because neither of us want to go back to that place we were in before) , but make sure there is no trigger drawing it into the real world. 

Lastly she said not to make any rash decisions about my job, when we briefly discussed it. Emotions are very high right now, but if I suddenly quit, I may realize next week it was a terrible mistake and it'll be too late to reverse it. Hubby and I did talk more about this and agreed, plus layoffs are common right now with covid. We have to take that into heavy consideration.

I asked the dreaded question ( him leaving me) . He said No, but he was so upset he wanted to put his fist through the wall, and that's another reason he didn't take the kids with him. Instead he redirected his anger and deleted my story because at that moment he just wanted to hurt me. He actually tried to apologize and I told him no, it needed to be done and  I was about to do it anyway hoping it would get my head out the clouds and I'm grateful that's all he did, because I was worried for a moment he may never come back. He said, no, he's not abandoning his kids and will take no part in  breaking up our family. He made it clear he doesn't want anyone else  to know about this because he'd be downright humiliated, and we don't need friends/ family all up in our business. He especially stressed not to tell our oldest because she would never understand. Hardly anyone knew about the 3 yr dry spell, they don't need to know about this.  He wants this to stay between us ( I did tell him my bff knows and she advised me to tell him, I figure lying to him would not be in my best interest in case she were to slip up. )  I He's ok with that but tell her keep it to herself.

I told him no matter what happens with this guy I will be completely honest with him going forward. That's why I shared his reply and let him advise me on what to say back. We are both pretty confident the message was loud and clear and this is the end of it. If not, the next step is to go to my manager, but after seeing how that was handled when I was physically touched by a top salesman years ago, and I was basically forced to quit my job or ruin my reputation, we hope it doesn't come to that. He even said don't let this jerk get the satisfaction of knowing he got to you so much you had to quit your job,  because he'd probably just get off on it. (which is probably what happened with that jerk salesman. )

So that's where things are. They escalated fast. And I was partially guilted by some of you here to fessing up, when I only came here to get advice in dissolving the situation. But at the same time y'all made me realize this was a situation that needed to be halted and I did not have the true will to do it myself due to the very unusual could only happen in 2020 circumstances. 

So thanks to everyone who supported me,  flogged me, advised me, and shared their personal experience with me. I really appreciate it and hope in time me and my husband can put this behind us. 

 

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

I don't get the impression that OP is gaming us or anything. I sense sincerity in the way she expresses herself and talks about the situation. Yes, the situation is unusual and makes for a great story, but that doesn't equate to her being disingenuous

I would not do that to ya'll. I'm not a troll. I came here for help and to help people. And honestly I'm not that clever, but being how far fetched this situation seems, I totally get where y'all are coming from. I occasionally seek out advice on a writers board when I have trouble describing certain scenes ( kissing ones are kind of a challenge to put into words) , but as for plots and where the story is going, figuring that out myself is all part of the fun. It's part of the reason I went from reading erotica to writing it. I saw certain things and thought to myself " I could do this so much better, so much hotter' My goal is for my stories to be so hot, you can see the steam coming off the pages. Lol

And I always stick with very young people characters because that was pre horrible life changing condition time for me. I don't like reading stories about middle aged people having sex and I certainly don't want to write about it. I focus on the time in my life where I was young, healthy, could drink cherry coke and have a hurricane whenever I wanted, and live life being Ms. Sex and Candy ( my nickname my guy friends gave me because I loved sweet tarts and sex) . That's the girl I had to recapture for myself and my husband. And it went to the extreme and possibly became an addiction as my therapist pointed out yesterday. The thoughts of the one guy I never got to sleep with became frequent and arousing, and all that was fine when he was nonexistent in the real world to me, because it fueled super hot sex with hubby and I wasn't thinking about the guy  when we were getting it on. When I walked away from the laptop ready to get down and dirty I instantly returned to knowing who I was, just with a way amped up sex drive, the one I never should have lost in the first place. My husband and I are very into each other during sex. Eye contact is a big turn on for us all the way through , but he does like his doggie occasionally and my butt turns him way on, so when I wasn't facing him the guy popped in my head and boom, I came just like that, which made me feel awful because I knew exactly why I suddenly climaxed and I never climax in that position. That's when I realized I have to do something because I'm only supposed to be thinking about him when I'm writing about sex, not having it. And the worst part was it was present him, not past him, which made it feel all the more real, and attainable. Hence why I started this post. Having him reenter my life started a wildfire because of the fantasy he had come to represent. My thoughts were intrusive, uncontrollable, especially once he started indicating he might be willing to go there as if he could see what I was thinking. Imagine if you had a dream about an amusement park, only this park is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. You wake up with such a rush from that dream but know it's not real. Suddenly that changes. You find out it is real and you're at the entrance and someone's offering you a ticket. Now you can ride all these amazing rides and live that rush you thought only existed in fantasy. Or if you're not into amusement parks. You have a dream about the most amazing piece of chocolate, it taste better than anything you've ever had in your life. It's downright orgasmic. Then you find out that chocolate is real and someone is waving a piece of it right in front of you. Just reach out and it's yours. That's what it felt like when he started undeniably flirting. It was like I had the devil on one shoulder saying "Oh yes, this is real and you can easily have it and it would be beyond amazing,"  and the angel on the other pleading   "You have a wonderful husband and kids. This is dangerous. Stop this now"  That's the best way I can describe it to give an understanding of what I am/was going through. I really did lose myself. It wasn't me at all. I was trying to be 17 yr old me in a 40 something year olds body, and he was possibly trying to be 21 yr old him in a late 40 something year old body, assuming he knew it was me. I still never told him and don't plan to. 

So in a nutshell, there won't be a book about this unless another poster here  takes the idea and uses it. You have my permission to do so, just don't send me a copy because I don't care to relive it. 

 

[Amethyst68]

So in a time when most people are posting about not being able to get therapy appointments for weeks if not months you manage to get one in a day or two?

Realism is not high here is it? 

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

So in a time when most people are posting about not being able to get therapy appointments for weeks if not months you manage to get one in a day or two?

Realism is not high here is it? 

It's my own therapist I see weekly and have for years. She just did a joint appt this week due to the emergency situation. I don't know when we'll get our first couples appt since its a referral. If you're going to pick apart my post under a false assumption you've made about me, at least get your facts straight first.