Past fantasy messing with my reality

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I haven't written anymore, but I'm keeping what I wrote because maybe one day a long time from now he'll enjoy hearing how much he means to me. If not, it'll just be part of my journal.  I was so emotional at that moment. I just had to write it out.

I'd suggest being VERY cautious about sharing any of your writing relating to all this anytime soon, but it seems like you're already on that. Never might be good as in your (rather unusual) situation writing and then not showing it to him and then showing it to him in say 5 years might be seen as a sort of betrayal. Hard to say.

If you're intent on pursuing romance writing my thought would be to start a completely new book in a month or two after things settle down + make it completely open/available to husband (who may or may not have much interest after the initial "safety check" phase).

[usa1ah]

On 10/15/2020 at 2:14 AM, princessaurora said:

I wanted to answer everyone's question before I got into everything that happened today because things have really blown up, and not in a good way.

I'm going to try not to think about the second event because I was crying so hard earlier I nearly hyperventilated, so let's start with the first. 

I met up with my bestie this morning and divulged everything to her so she could truly give me her honest opinion ( we've been friends since grade school) Of course she scolded me for a good five minutes because I admitted to having strong sexual feelings towards the guy. But, she does agree he still looks real good and she gets the appeal (yes, i screenshot his pic, please don't crucify me) We broke everything down detail by detail, because she's an analyst like me. She definitely thinks he could be a Don Juan and do this alot, but she also thinks it's very possible he's a guy whose never strayed from his wife and I brought out the urge in him to consider doing so. She feels like with me being naturally flirty, paired along with the fact that I am so hot for him due to the book ( yes, she's read some of it, she knows how steamy it is) , I was definitely giving him certain looks and thinking back now on that first interaction, I think she's right. It didn't happen off the bat, but as soon as he delved into my personal life a bit and I deflected it to protect my hobby, but he most likely saw it as  "oh, she wants to play, well then let's play,". This may have triggered him to start chasing and play back a bit "mm hmm, sure it is "(about my real last name) and when he flashed that sexy smirk, I probably unintentionally mirrored his expression because he still makes me weak in the knees (due to the fantasy). She believes he knew it was me as soon as he saw me because I look pretty much the same and my name isn't super common, so what are the odds of it being anyone else?  But we still probably would have just  had the same fleeting thought " i really wish we would have hooked it up back in the day", and then went on with business.  But instead you have me,  whose got the guy in front of me (even though it was skype) I've been fantasizing about almost every day since last December and  him, whose reunited with the friend of his little sister he wanted to bang so bad in his youth, and from his perspective I'm playing a silly little guess who game, which makes me even more alluring if he finds that sort of thing tittilating,  So he joins the fun by throwing it back a bit, flashing sexy smirks amping up my libido like 1000%, and now we're both making bedroom eyes at each other like we've time travelled back to the 90's.  This is not good because I'm married, he's married, and we're both entertaining thoughts we shouldn't.

I hate to admit it, but I think she's most likely right and even though I am trying to keep the non business talk to a minimum, like salparadise said, he can still see it in my expressions that i'm clearly having trouble hiding. Because i want to shut him down, but my body does not. It wants to make like 10 babies with him. She fears if I keep it to myself and don't shut it down completely, we will most likely end up sleeping together sometime in the future. So she said I need to kill the book (which i was going to do earlier today) and tell my hubby, as much as I don't want to,  because it will put a bit of a leash on me, so to speak.

So I told hubby and it did not go well at all.

I tried to downplay it a bit and keep my feelings for the guy out of it. But when I was finished explaining everything I felt comfortable divulging, he asked me point blank.

"Do you want to have sex with this guy?"  I couldn't lie to him. I tried to tell him it's only because of the fantasy, and I had no intentions of actually doing it,  but he didn't want to hear it. He started off pretty calm but as the conversation continued things got intense fast. First he said he's not surprised because of the book and how I've been so exploratory lately with sex toys and other kinky things. But he thought I was doing all that for him. Then he started calling me some pretty demeaning names,  went off on me about how he stuck by me for over 3 years with no sex and now I'm going to sleep with some guy I still have a hard on for from high school. He admitted he wasn't comfortable with me writing a sex story about someone from my past but didn't want to say anything because he knew how important writing is to me and how I needed it to help me find myself again. He basically blamed me for everything, said I probably lured this guy back into my life just so I could live out my wet dream. He looked like he wanted to cry, but instead just continued to yell. He then asked me to leave the bedroom for a few minutes and he locked me out. I could hear sniffles through the door. I think he did cry. But he won't ever let anyone see it. I've only seen him cry twice in our 20 years and that was when our dogs passed. He didn't even cry when his mom died. He has a very tough exterior. He came out shortly after with a packed bag and he told me " I'd take the kids with me, but I don't want you having sex with this guy in" my "house." It's my house too. That kind of pissed me off.  I asked him where he was going, he wouldn't answer. I assume he went to his dad's house, but i'm too scared to call over there because I don't know if he told him anything. He won't answer his phone, but he has sent me several texts. The first one was "I logged in and deleted your story and if you don't want me deleting anymore you better change your password right now."  I'm a little mad he invaded my privacy, , but I also know he's very hurt and this is how he's dealing with it. I was going to delete it tonight anyway. I knew it needed to be done. I did change my password though. I've been writing for several years and I don't want to let it go. Then he sends me another text., "You need to either have sex with him and get it out of your system or tell him to get out of your life.  I'm not dealing with this mess for years. But you better not run off and leave me with these children, you're the only mother they'll ever know." This stabbed me like a knife because we found out a few months after the adoption their bio mother od'd and that's when it sunk in that I really am their mom. I always thought they'd get to see her again one day and I cried so hard when I was informed she died. My husband knew how much this would hurt me and he went straight for the artery. I texted him back," I would never do that , i love them too much and you and K (our oldest) . He didn't respond for about 10 minutes and then he said "then put an end to it now"   

I haven't said anything back or heard from him since that last text. I hope he's not so mad at me he went and slept with someone else. That would kill me. I'm feeling so many emotions : guilt, anger, sadness, There's no way i'm going in to work tomorrow. I won't be able to function and I've got 3 emails from Mr. Hotpants  I'm afraid to open. I forgot to put my out of office notification on so he's probably upset I haven't responded to him when he thinks i'm in the office.  Oh well. Let him get upset and move his accounts elsewhere. That's about the only fantasy i'm having right now. I can't believe how upset my husband got and I didnt even do anything. I knew he'd be affected but not to this extreme. He's always kept his head cool when he's had to bail me out of predicaments with other guys before, but I guess it's different this time because he knows I desire this guy.  I wanna resent him so bad for putting me in this predicament, but after having that come to geesus with my bff, I have to accept the possibility that this may be 95% my fault. 

 

You are/were having an emotional affair. Why in the hell would your husband not get upset over this? You want to have sex with another guy when your not having sex with your husband and you expect him to be ok about this? This isn’t some movie star or complete stranger, it a guy you know that came back into your life. 
 

You cheated on your husband. 

[usa1ah]

On 10/15/2020 at 2:37 AM, princessaurora said:

I have a daughter in college and 2 small children, so yes I need my job so I can help provide for them. 

There is no emotion here, it is pure lust. 

I said several times I love my husband and family and would never do anything to hurt them. My husband will not be betrayed because I am not giving in to  these impulses. I'm just admitting they exist. I would have already accepted his invitation to meet if I was going to give in. I've done everything I can to keep him away, while still doing the job i'm paid for. I figured he'd give up by now, so I'm just trying to get to the root of where he's getting his drive so I can flip the switch. 

Lust is an emotion. It is also for another man that is in you life, not your husband. This is cheating emotionally. You even talk about how your own body betrayed you when you talk with him. I never said you physically cheated on your husband, good job keeping it from going that far. 
 

Instead of Hotpants how about affair partner or other man. That might help you with perspective. 

[usa1ah]

On 10/15/2020 at 2:27 PM, princessaurora said:

I don't even want to fathom getting a divorce over this. And I don't care about the dating pool. I found my person. I can't ever see having a connection like that with another man as long as I live. If he divorces me, I'll just take care of my children and be the best mother I can to them. I don't want another man. It's him or noone.  I've felt that way since the day we met, It was truly love at first sight which I've mentioned on these boards so many times. So you, as a man, please tell me , what can I do right now to increase the chances of moving past this with minimal damage because I can't  bear to lose my soulmate over a thought that never even became an action?  

You just don’t understand what you have done. 
 

Your husband tolerated you writing a sexual fantasy about another man from your past. Only for the purpose of helping you through your problems. 
 

Then this guy shows up in real life. You don’t tell your husband anything about until it has you all twisted up inside. You know you want to have sex but won’t do it because you love your husband. 
 

The thing is you have already been fantasizing about your OM. You have already been exchanging emails and video chatting with him. You have said that you are both giving each other bedroom eyes. This is “emotionally” cheating on your husband. 
 

You have betrayed his trust by withholding information that the OM is back in your life. The time to have asked for your husband’s help was the day your realized the OM was back in your life. 
 

 

Edited October 21, 2020 by usa1ah

[Zona]

I'm kinda in agreement with Mark here. But even though it may not have been by definition an EA, it still easily could have lead to cheating and was headed in that direction obviously, hence the upset husband. Some women are capable of emotionless sex, or at least think they are until feelings creep in. Sex releases a whole ton of endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, and for men vasopressin. None of us are immune to the effects of these hormones.

She stopped herself and snapped out of it. I suspect OP has learned from this. Her thinking was definitely wayward at some point, and Mr. H picked up on that. She says that she never thought a situation like this could happen to her, but it did. Almost all waywards claim their affair was so out of character, but it isn't. It just reveals character. Most times, when the affair is revealed, people are shocked that a women they thought was such a "good girl" could do such a thing.

[usa1ah]

On 10/15/2020 at 3:51 PM, SharpMind said:

If your H can not see past this and forgive you.....then he is a fool.  You came clean, you were honest to H, you had an EA, you are remorseful.  Now it's in H's hands to forgive and reconcile.  If he chooses not to reconcile and seeks divorce....then tbh honest it's not on you anymore, he was looking for the outlet to exit stage left.

This is hilarious. So her husband should just GTF over it. It’s also up to him to do all the work. 

[usa1ah]

PA I am glad the two of you are working it out. 
 

Also hope everything works out at work. I do realize how important jobs are right now, trust me on this. 
 

 

[Buffer]

Hi Princess,

Well chiming in very late here. First off glad Hubby is back in the bedroom, but her is hurt beyond what you think. Well done and respect to you for telling hubby. But the reality was, there were three people in the bedroom, you; hubby and Mr Hot-pants. And that is fact (not having a go here).

You mixed fantasy with reality, tried to justify to yourself that you were able to separate the two.  You are good looking, most men flirt with you, that is acceptable, so it must be ok. Unfortunately fantasy took over and you crossed the mental boundaries, then as it like; Chernobyl exploded with major consequences.

Hubby has lost trust, thinks you used him as a sex toy when banging him but continually fantasized about Mr Hot-pants. In his mind he was plan B. Of course I could be wrong. I do understand the no sex bit due to medical conditions and yes it does mess with the  mind (I am there as well). 

It is concerning that your employer wouldn't step in so not to anger the account holder when you raised this with your boss. When would it be too much? When he asked you to sleep with the client to retain the account? This should require further addressing by yourself with him or HR.

Communicate with hubby, hold him, reassure him. Be patient with him, he has lost respect for himself and sees you with the OM doing what you did with him as well as wrote about. It was never hubby it was the other dude.

One day at a time.

Buffer

 

Edited October 21, 2020 by Buffer
Spelling

[princessaurora]

23 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Your attempts to misdirect falls short here. You continue to minimize this whole thing. If it was as meaningless as you are trying to claim 1) your husband wouldn't be this upset 2) you would have not needed to post here asking how to end it...truth be told all you did was make excuses as to why you couldn't end it. 

 

My workplace did have a big part of what I am expected to tolerate. That is a fact, not an excuse. They expect us to put up with alot for the sake of the mighty dollar. We've had an investor who would sleep with some of the girls when they sent him really wealthy clients, He wasn't married but most of them were. I think he enjoyed it more with the married ones. Everyone knew when he wanted to "treat them to lunch" what was gonna happen. In fact at one time two of the married girls got in a fight over him right in the middle of the branch. It was pretty entertaining, yet we felt bad for their husbands at the same time. He tried that on me, but I would tell him I only eat lean cuisine. The girl who agreed to be my wingwoman in all this had a guy who was constantly bringing her gifts. It made her uncomfortable and she discussed that with our manager. He told her to just graciously accept them as not to hurt his feelings. But as the gifts became more elaborate and frequent, it started to really upset her to the point where she would run and hide as soon as he entered the branch, practically in tears. Only then did our manager let the customer know he had went over our policy of what type of gifts we're allowed to except and she couldn't accept anymore. So as you can see, we're expected to put up with alot for the sake of customer service. I tried to reason with my boss. He did take a small step by offering to the guy's boss an opportunity to transfer to another banker closest to his home. She would not do that because she was referred to me due to my outstanding reputation. She said he didn't mind the drive to ensure their money was in the best hands if it was something that couldn't be handled by phone, email.skype. (Damn covid, we would have never started skype with clients if it wasn't for that and I probably wouldn't even be in this predicament) So at that point he basically told me big deal, a guy's flirting with you, nothing new, get over it.  So while I can admit I got caught up in all this due to the fantasy that was potentially being dangled in front of me, being able to squash it before that point was due to my boss refusing to take it serious. 

I expected my husband to be upset, but not to the point he is because he is generally not a jealous man. I didn't take into consideration this might trigger those feelings of being unwanted for that 3 yr period when my condition was at it's worst, and I didn't expect him to ask me if I wanted to sleep with this guy because he never has before. If he wouldn't have looked at me begging for honesty, I never would have because I didn't want to hurt him. I thought he could still ground me without knowing that part after so many of you helped me come to the acceptance that this was a situation I was no longer in control of. So I decided , let me tell him so he can bring me back down to earth and I can deal with this. But this is a different situation because that attention was not completely unwanted and I didn't want him hunting down one of our clients and kicking his butt, so I came here to ask you guys to help me bring this down to a level I could handle without jeopardizing my career, to where he could just be an everyday client I'd talk to every now and then and nothing more. And while there were a few of you, who thought that was possible, the majority of ya'll thought it wasn't and I had to immediately shut it down which I was having difficulty doing both because of what my workplace expects us to put up with and the fact that I was enjoying the attention due to the fantasy. But after so many of you made me realize this was not headed in a good direction and consulting with one of my oldest friends, I decided to come clean. and now here I am dealing with the aftermath of that decision I was pushed to make. 

So while had it happened it would have just been meaningless sex to me, I understand it would not have been meaningless to my husband and could have caused the destruction of our marriage. That's why i wanted to get myself out of it and I came here for guidance. If I just wanted to sleep with the guy, I wouldn't have needed anyone's permission to do so. I would have accepted his dinner invitation that would have most likely  ended up at his unoccupied condo and hoped my husband never found out. But I am not that kind of woman and that's why I took  the most drastic steps in my semidelusional state I could muster.   But they weren't enough and I had come to realize that especially when he popped in my head right in the middle of having sex with my husband. I didn't want that to happen. It was an intrusive thought, but one that made me realize I was in real trouble. 

 

[princessaurora]

On 10/20/2020 at 9:25 AM, mark clemson said:

I think this...

Has to be rectified against this...

 

 

I do agree there is room for debate here. You're of course welcome to your view; for myself I am comfortable with ambiguity. It WAS "something" of significance clearly, and your and others' assessment that aurora is far from out of the woods yet is definitely one I agree with.

I don't see it as an EA compared to the one I had with my husband when we first met. I've always defined an emotional affair as one where there were true feelings involved, not just a desire to bang that is completely superficial, which I feel this was. I don't even like his personality, so other than lust there wasn't any on my part. But I agree, that's up for debate depending on one's perspective and individual situation. 

I also agree I'm not out the woods yet. Every time I see I have new emails I brace myself because I'm so scared it's going to be from him or his boss. I'm waiting for her to storm in the branch and demand to see me depending on what he tells her. I still haven't told my manager. I'm not going to as long as the guy leaves well enough alone. Don't want this to end up in HR. I basically threatened to out him if he doesn't so I'm fairly confident he will, but that fear still gnaws at me a bit. As far as still being tempted by him, that part is pretty much diminished now. I have no desire to be with him any longer. Seeing what even the consideration of that did to my husband shut that down almost instantly. That's why I reacted so strongly to that email initially. I was like look at this jerk trying to act all slick, but I know what's up because I'm not stupid. Of course then I started doubting that because I can't even kill a spider. Deep down I do believe that was his intent though, and my husband has no doubt. But yeah, the risk of me giving in to him has passed, so thank goodness for that. 

So, now I just need to nurture my husband and our marriage. I haven't heard from the couples therapist yet and don't know how long it will be so we may be on our own for a bit. He did hug me this morning which he hasn't done since I told him everything. My son ran back in the house because he forgot to give me a hugand a muggie muggie (eskimo kisses)  and my husband followed and hugged me as well. That's the first time he's touched me without me initiating since last week. That sounds so sad. Being excited my husband of 20 years gave me a hug. But I made my bed and now I've gotta lay in it. 

[princessaurora]

On 10/20/2020 at 9:31 AM, mark clemson said:

I'd suggest being VERY cautious about sharing any of your writing relating to all this anytime soon, but it seems like you're already on that. Never might be good as in your (rather unusual) situation writing and then not showing it to him and then showing it to him in say 5 years might be seen as a sort of betrayal. Hard to say.

If you're intent on pursuing romance writing my thought would be to start a completely new book in a month or two after things settle down + make it completely open/available to husband (who may or may not have much interest after the initial "safety check" phase).

Great advice. I just don't want to lose my sexuality or have my condition start flaring again. That's why I'm too scared to go for a long time without writing, but it will definitely be a whole new story with new characters whenever I do.  I may not write in first person for awhile either because that made this situation particularly intense. But right now I'm not writing at all. I'll just do my home physical therapy program to keep my body calm so when my husband is ready to be intimate again, it won't be an issue. 

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I don't see it as an EA compared to the one I had with my husband when we first met. I've always defined an emotional affair as one where there were true feelings involved, not just a desire to bang that is completely superficial...

Okay. Clearly opinions vary on whether this was "truly" an EA. For myself I'm happy to drop the debate. Whatever it was, it was clearly significant enough to bother both you and your husband + I'm glad you are working on addressing that!

[princessaurora]

14 hours ago, Zona said:

I'm kinda in agreement with Mark here. But even though it may not have been by definition an EA, it still easily could have lead to cheating and was headed in that direction obviously, hence the upset husband. Some women are capable of emotionless sex, or at least think they are until feelings creep in. Sex releases a whole ton of endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, and for men vasopressin. None of us are immune to the effects of these hormones.

She stopped herself and snapped out of it. I suspect OP has learned from this. Her thinking was definitely wayward at some point, and Mr. H picked up on that. She says that she never thought a situation like this could happen to her, but it did. Almost all waywards claim their affair was so out of character, but it isn't. It just reveals character. Most times, when the affair is revealed, people are shocked that a women they thought was such a "good girl" could do such a thing.

I feel it would have been  totally emotionless, because it is solely based on a fantasy. This is such a rare circumstance. Still I recognized I was having thoughts that could lead me to be unfaithful and rather to continue allowing those thoughts to slowly overtake me I sought help so I could stop the behavior because cheating on my husband is not in my nature, hence the extreme attempts to halt this road I was trucking down. And maybe even if I would have given in and put myself in that circumstance, I would have walked away at the last minute because of my conscience. When me and my husband were broken up (premarriage) and he was sleeping with a different girl almost every night, I still couldn't do it. I came close with one guy and right before he penetrated me, I told him" I'm sorry i just can't go through with this"  It just didnt feel right. I still felt like I was cheating. So I was faithful to him even I wasnt expected to be.. So I can assure you that this  is absolutely definitely not in my character and that's why I sought help. But it does seem most women that have affairs tend to be the least ones you would expect, and the  men who lure them there know exactly how to break down those barriers. 

[princessaurora]

15 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Lust is an emotion. It is also for another man that is in you life, not your husband. This is cheating emotionally. You even talk about how your own body betrayed you when you talk with him. I never said you physically cheated on your husband, good job keeping it from going that far. 
 

Instead of Hotpants how about affair partner or other man. That might help you with perspective. 

Yes, my own body did betray me and my mind a bit too due to the fantasy. I don't call him HP anymore. That was just a name my bestie called him to break the emotional tension during our conversation. I just call him my work headache now and honestly if it wasn't for the fantasy that's what he would have been from the beginning. 

[princessaurora]

15 hours ago, usa1ah said:

You just don’t understand what you have done. 
 

Your husband tolerated you writing a sexual fantasy about another man from your past. Only for the purpose of helping you through your problems. 
 

Then this guy shows up in real life. You don’t tell your husband anything about until it has you all twisted up inside. You know you want to have sex but won’t do it because you love your husband. 
 

The thing is you have already been fantasizing about your OM. You have already been exchanging emails and video chatting with him. You have said that you are both giving each other bedroom eyes. This is “emotionally” cheating on your husband. 
 

You have betrayed his trust by withholding information that the OM is back in your life. The time to have asked for your husband’s help was the day your realized the OM was back in your life. 
 

 

I've addressed this before. I thought I could manage it. I didn't want to abandon my story because I was so deep into writing it. Awakening the desires and feelings as a young girl with no health conditions really amped up our sex life.  I didn't think he'd be continuously reaching out to me. I thought by working with the branch near his home and sending things there, I could basically keep him out my life. Once he started to clearly cross those barriers, I asked my manager for help which after a weak attempt that failed, he told me to suck it up and do my job. So I continued to do so, assuming he'd eventually stop flirting since I verbally never said anything back to indicate the interest was mutual. But as he persisted, I got caught in this crazy whirlwind situation and couldn't figure out how to dissolve it.  

[princessaurora]

9 hours ago, Buffer said:

Hi Princess,

Well chiming in very late here. First off glad Hubby is back in the bedroom, but her is hurt beyond what you think. Well done and respect to you for telling hubby. But the reality was, there were three people in the bedroom, you; hubby and Mr Hot-pants. And that is fact (not having a go here).

You mixed fantasy with reality, tried to justify to yourself that you were able to separate the two.  You are good looking, most men flirt with you, that is acceptable, so it must be ok. Unfortunately fantasy took over and you crossed the mental boundaries, then as it like; Chernobyl exploded with major consequences.

Hubby has lost trust, thinks you used him as a sex toy when banging him but continually fantasized about Mr Hot-pants. In his mind he was plan B. Of course I could be wrong. I do understand the no sex bit due to medical conditions and yes it does mess with the  mind (I am there as well). 

It is concerning that your employer wouldn't step in so not to anger the account holder when you raised this with your boss. When would it be too much? When he asked you to sleep with the client to retain the account? This should require further addressing by yourself with him or HR.

Communicate with hubby, hold him, reassure him. Be patient with him, he has lost respect for himself and sees you with the OM doing what you did with him as well as wrote about. It was never hubby it was the other dude.

One day at a time.

Buffer

 

Thank you Buffer. I agree with everything you wrote. I can admit to that. It may have not been my intention for this to escalate to this point, but the truth is it did. And even though I only thought about the guy during sex one time, hubby probably thinks it was way more.

Yes, my manager should have done more, but if you read a few posts back you'll see the things we've had to tolerate over the years. I know not every company is this way, but mine always has been. Still. I gotta make a living, I get 6 wks of vacay and they pay me very well. I've never had an issue handling a client before. You become immune to the flirting pretty quickly in that environment. He just got in my head because of the fantasy I had created around him and I was apparently giving off enough vibes for him to know that. 

I'm sorry you have a medical condition. Life really sucks sometimes and tries to take away everything we love and enjoy. I hope you have found ways to heal. I've pretty much become an IC expert because of all the research i've done so if that is what you have, pm me any time and I can give you tips on managing flares. Well wishes and thanks for your input and support:)

[Zona]

Usually in sales (which is kind of what you do), both men and women are expected to be well groomed and to be highly personable and approachable. There was a case where I live where the sales girls at a pharmaceutical company (some of them married!) were literally sleeping with their clients to make a sale! I'm not saying this happens all the time, but there is that dynamic in play due to the nature of the work. I also remember a sales person walking into my dentists office. She was dressed like she was ready for the streets! 

We humans sure are a screwed up bunch when you think about it. Applies to both men and women obviously. It does seem that women are held to a higher standard, which is unfair, but it is what it is.

I can guarantee that your husband has met some women he would like to bang. Who hasn't? The trick is keeping it at the fantasy level and keeping boundaries up to protect your loved ones.

Edited October 21, 2020 by Zona

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

...so I came here to ask you guys to help me bring this down to a level I could handle without jeopardizing my career, to where he could just be an everyday client I'd talk to every now and then and nothing more. And while there were a few of you, who thought that was possible, the majority of ya'll thought it wasn't and I had to immediately shut it down which I was having difficulty doing both because of what my workplace expects us to put up with and the fact that I was enjoying the attention due to the fantasy. But after so many of you made me realize this was not headed in a good direction and consulting with one of my oldest friends, I decided to come clean. and now here I am dealing with the aftermath of that decision I was pushed to make....

I come here for advice sometimes, too. However, I own whatever decision I make 100%. In fact, over the past 7 years, I was in some very precarious situations for which people out here got peeved with me because I didn't make the decision they "pushed" me to make.  While I feel you have, in fact, taken responsibility for your actions and the consequences, when you write thoughts like this, it makes me believe you don't think you're 100% culpable in this situation in which you find yourself, but you are. Please, just own all your actions and reactions. That will go a long way toward rebuilding your husband's trust.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/19/2020 at 9:15 PM, DKT3 said:

I think this is a gross understatement, especially given her last few posts. It was absolutely an emotional affair, 

As the definition of "affair" is     "...between two people",  there is zero chance that this qualified as an "affair".

 

The guy didn't (and still doesn't) even "know" it's the same young friend of his little sister's.

 

So htf could they have traded "emotion" in the midst of that?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/20/2020 at 4:04 AM, princessaurora said:

Nothing eventful happened yesterday at work. So far it's been crickets since I gave him a warning. Hopefully it stays that way so I can solely focus on repairing my marriage. My husband is back in our bed , so I guess that's progress. Either that or or he doesn't want  my daughter to think daddy is going to sleep in her bed every night. I know she'd love that though. She hates being alone.  Oh well. I'm still relieved he's not sleeping in a different room anymore. I'll just take it day by day. That's all I can do. 

The part where he was so concerned   "(does anybody else know about this?)"  sorta suggested his sudden awakening.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/20/2020 at 5:22 AM, Uruktopi said:

Wise, wise, wise answer.

albeit a factually incorrect one

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/20/2020 at 5:05 PM, usa1ah said:

You are/were having an emotional affair.

Once again:   the definition of  "affair" is    "...Between two people"

 

So,  zero chance of an affair in this.    He still doesn't even know  he has the right person.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/20/2020 at 5:18 PM, usa1ah said:

 

Instead of Hotpants how about affair partner or other man. 

An "affair partner" who doesn't even know who she is?     Can't happen.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/20/2020 at 5:43 PM, Zona said:

But even though it may not have been by definition an EA, it still easily could have lead to cheating

Every sidewalk in the land  (along with some streets where they don't have sidewalks)  could lead to cheating.

 

That is why our OP, and most others, don't go down those sidewalks.

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

13 hours ago, princessaurora said:

My workplace did have a big part of what I am expected to tolerate. That is a fact, not an excuse. They expect us to put up with alot for the sake of the mighty dollar. We've had an investor who would sleep with some of the girls when they sent him really wealthy clients, He wasn't married but most of them were. I think he enjoyed it more with the married ones. Everyone knew when he wanted to "treat them to lunch" what was gonna happen. In fact at one time two of the married girls got in a fight over him right in the middle of the branch. It was pretty entertaining, yet we felt bad for their husbands at the same time. He tried that on me, but I would tell him I only eat lean cuisine. The girl who agreed to be my wingwoman in all this had a guy who was constantly bringing her gifts. It made her uncomfortable and she discussed that with our manager. He told her to just graciously accept them as not to hurt his feelings. But as the gifts became more elaborate and frequent, it started to really upset her to the point where she would run and hide as soon as he entered the branch, practically in tears. Only then did our manager let the customer know he had went over our policy of what type of gifts we're allowed to except and she couldn't accept anymore. So as you can see, we're expected to put up with alot for the sake of customer service. I tried to reason with my boss. He did take a small step by offering to the guy's boss an opportunity to transfer to another banker closest to his home. She would not do that because she was referred to me due to my outstanding reputation. She said he didn't mind the drive to ensure their money was in the best hands if it was something that couldn't be handled by phone, email.skype. (Damn covid, we would have never started skype with clients if it wasn't for that and I probably wouldn't even be in this predicament) So at that point he basically told me big deal, a guy's flirting with you, nothing new, get over it.  So while I can admit I got caught up in all this due to the fantasy that was potentially being dangled in front of me, being able to squash it before that point was due to my boss refusing to take it serious. 

I expected my husband to be upset, but not to the point he is because he is generally not a jealous man. I didn't take into consideration this might trigger those feelings of being unwanted for that 3 yr period when my condition was at it's worst, and I didn't expect him to ask me if I wanted to sleep with this guy because he never has before. If he wouldn't have looked at me begging for honesty, I never would have because I didn't want to hurt him. I thought he could still ground me without knowing that part after so many of you helped me come to the acceptance that this was a situation I was no longer in control of. So I decided , let me tell him so he can bring me back down to earth and I can deal with this. But this is a different situation because that attention was not completely unwanted and I didn't want him hunting down one of our clients and kicking his butt, so I came here to ask you guys to help me bring this down to a level I could handle without jeopardizing my career, to where he could just be an everyday client I'd talk to every now and then and nothing more. And while there were a few of you, who thought that was possible, the majority of ya'll thought it wasn't and I had to immediately shut it down which I was having difficulty doing both because of what my workplace expects us to put up with and the fact that I was enjoying the attention due to the fantasy. But after so many of you made me realize this was not headed in a good direction and consulting with one of my oldest friends, I decided to come clean. and now here I am dealing with the aftermath of that decision I was pushed to make. 

So while had it happened it would have just been meaningless sex to me, I understand it would not have been meaningless to my husband and could have caused the destruction of our marriage. That's why i wanted to get myself out of it and I came here for guidance. If I just wanted to sleep with the guy, I wouldn't have needed anyone's permission to do so. I would have accepted his dinner invitation that would have most likely  ended up at his unoccupied condo and hoped my husband never found out. But I am not that kind of woman and that's why I took  the most drastic steps in my semidelusional state I could muster.   But they weren't enough and I had come to realize that especially when he popped in my head right in the middle of having sex with my husband. I didn't want that to happen. It was an intrusive thought, but one that made me realize I was in real trouble. 

 

A more 'authentic' test for you in all of this would have been if your work weren't completely entwined in this potential opportunity.

 

Your true impulses   (good, bad, ideal or not ideal) would have then had every chance to surface...   and it still feels like you would NOT have banged the guy...  based on your own general effort at resisting.

 

You also would have had less at stake, which would have been relatively comforting.   (the outside factors were limiting the extent to which you could commit yourself toward either direction)