Past fantasy messing with my reality

[Pottering About]

Sorry I am late to this thread but, having read it, I do feel the need to challenge you on a few things.

Do you feel that you are being a bit smug and self congratulatory on the fact that you didn’t cheat rather than feeling ashamed at how you immersed yourself in erotic thoughts about another man to get your jollies?

How do you think your husband feels knowing you have to fantasise about another in order to have sex with him?

Why on earth were you so surprised by your husband’s reaction? You thought that telling him would make you look like little bo peep wanting her handsome Prince Charming to say “that’s alright, you fantasised about another man but your confession makes everything hunky dory and I will step in to save you”.

If you read your posts back, do you think that the number of times you thought about how you may hurt your husband are minimal until you confessed? Could it be that this was, after all, all about you and telling the world about “how proud you are you didn’t physically cheat”? News flash - what you did is a form of cheating!

If you are honest with yourself, do you actually think your husband is overreacting and you don’t really know what all the fuss is about?

Why are you surprised that he is keeping close tabs on you? Again, do you think he is overreacting, because I don’t? You destroyed trust and you are going to have to work a damned sight harder to regain it than you think.

You complain about his lack of intimacy with you now. Is that because he thinks of you as soiled goods?

Do you yet accept that your actions belittled and embarrassed him?

I think you do not fully grasp how badly you have damaged your marriage. Yes, the cracks may be papered over but how long will it be before resentment builds up on his part and spills over in to an affair of his own. Other posts on here seem to indicate 5 years.

In one of your earlier posts, you asked what could you do to repair your relationship. Simple, tell his wife and don’t rationalise your failure to do so with disingenuous excuses. You can and should still do this. See how she reacts to the news and then compare that to how you have handled your relationship as the, all be it mental, Other Woman.

I know these points may seem unduly harsh but, if you really want to save your marriage,  I believe you need to go back, express true remorse to your husband, probe into what it will really take to repair your marriage and not be fobbed off by him trying to deflect you, Do not be comforted by all those who say “aren’t you brave, well done, I applaud you”. They may well flatter your ego but they do not do your marriage any good as it feeds your general smugness.Finally, stop rationalising your actions and your feelings towards the Other Man. YOU screwed up well and truly.

You may not like what I am saying and you will probably not think well of me as a person. However, for your husband’s sake if nothing else, I make the above points to try and save your marriage. Otherwise, see you back on this site in 5 years after he has left you.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Pottering About said:

In one of your earlier posts, you asked what could you do to repair your relationship. Simple, tell his wife and don’t rationalise your failure to do so with disingenuous excuses. You can and should still do this. See how she reacts to the news and then compare that to how you have handled your relationship as the, all be it mental, Other Woman

What good would this do her or her marriage? Or is this about "justice" for cheaters that unnecessarily destroys families? Sure he took the RISK that might happen. But it didn't. Now you want to try to ensure that risk gets actualized? Why?

From what I understand the MM has kids. Does "morality" mean putting the emotional needs of an adult (his W) over those of children?  Making sure those kids get to go through the nasty rough patch that would cause, or maybe even (Yay!) get a divorce over.  And, while I think this guy's intentions WERE clear - this would be over something that DIDN'T actually happen?

Honestly, I think people who advise telling are the moral equals OF cheaters. You're certainly JUST as willing to risk blowing up other people's families as they are. And that's the truth.

[Pottering About]

Well I think your concerns are misplaced here and enable this man to carry on behaving inappropriately so that he can potentially ruin the next conquest’s family.

 I think it may well do some good to her marriage by showing her husband where her actual priorities lie. How often have we seen betrayed partners say actions speak louder than words when showing true remorse.
 

Yes, he did take the risk and there are consequences. HE is responsible for destroying his family if his actions are disclosed, no one else. HE is the one who should have thought of his kids. HE is the one who supposedly laid out his intentions in this e mail which would evidently blow his marriage apart. HE is the one who totally disrespected the husband of the woman he pursued.
 

HE is the one who abused his position of power as the person who was bringing large accounts to the business of OP’s wife. What next for him, I’ll give you my business if you give me sex? What he did was sexual harassment of the kind we used to see in the 1950s. Thankfully, some of us have moved on to condemn this attitude, not condone through omission or enable by silence.
 

HE is the one who was willing to put his own, rather shallow, physical needs over those of the OP’s children, making sure they get to go through the nasty rough patch that would cause or maybe even (Yay!) get a divorce over. By the way, aren’t the children in the OP’s case  fostered? Bet they would be delighted to have this man blow up their home life.

It did not happen? Well that is not true is it? The physical affair may not have happened but there was a lot that did and this was cheating.

There is no question his intentions were real. There is no question that the OP has continued to lie about the depth of her sordid little fantasy. It didn’t actually happen! Oh well, that makes it alright then doesn’t it! So, following that logic, the other man’s wife will be fine with the news. She will not do what the OP’s husband did which includes packing a bag, leaving the marital home, becoming physically and emotionally detached from the OP, having to live with the knowledge his trust in his wife has been destroyed. Do I need to go on or do you think he is overreacting because nothing happened?

Do you think that the other man’s wife does not deserve to know what her husband is like? Do you think that he may have done this before? Do you think that she may be entitled to know if she is being exposed to STDs? Do you think she should really be the last to know and have to deal with added humiliation of having everyone else know apart from her? By not disclosing you are NOT protecting her or her family.

Honestly, I think people who do not inform partners of cheaters are ENABLERS who are the moral equals OF cheaters. They are certainly JUST as willing to risk blowing up other people's families, just not the family of the person whose actions started all this. And that's the truth.

 

 

[Pottering About]

Sorry, forgot to refer back to the original post where the OP discloses this man wanted to talk about a mortgage, but didn’t want his wife on the mortgage as who knows what may happen in the future. He also talked about his rental property and how he would be happy living the single life. 

My, how his wife will chortle if she heard his words because “it did not happen”. I bet she will say to her husband “one day we will look back on this and laugh”.

Do you really think that disclosure to his wife will be the cause of any future divorce or do you think that marriage is already dead and the wife just doesn’t know it yet?

What a catch he is!

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Yes, he did take the risk and there are consequences. HE is responsible for destroying his family if his actions are disclosed, no one else.

Technically incorrect, if SOMEONE ELSE is the one disclosing those actions. The actions may be explosive fuel, but the information is the trigger that sets off the bomb. If an external interloper comes and provides the information (or convinces someone to) they share joint responsibility. The children get blown up too. Yay, interloper??

However, you miss my point - I'm certainly not trying to claim he was right to do any of those things.

Moral views may vary, but I stand by what I wrote above. This type of advice disregards the potential extremely negative impact on families. That is something cheaters do as well. Those are facts, not opinions.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Do you really think that disclosure to his wife will be the cause of any future divorce or do you think that marriage is already dead and the wife just doesn’t know it yet? What a catch he is!

If you're asking me, I have no particular opinion. No one can predict the future, but you may well be right.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Honestly, I think people who do not inform partners of cheaters are ENABLERS who are the moral equals OF cheaters. They are certainly JUST as willing to risk blowing up other people's families, just not the family of the person whose actions started all this. And that's the truth.

Not at all. They are minding their own business.

I could just as easily label those who don't let homeless people live with them of being the moral equivalent and enabler of a bank that forecloses on a mortgage and takes a person's house away.

There's all sorts of injustices that people know of and don't take action on. You've put yourself in the position of being labelled a moral accomplice to all of them.

Edited December 6, 2020 by mark clemson

[Pottering About]

Mark Clemson,  the best thing about this site is that it gives OPs a variety of opinions and/or options. I don’t always agree with exposure to the betrayed partner as it really does depend on circumstances in each case. With this OM, I have concerns about his character and the damage he could do to others. We both make valid points which offer food for thought to the OP.

What really concerns me with this lady is that she may find herself in the same position as another OP a little while ago.  She thought her marriage had recovered from her affair only to find her husband was not at the same stage after a number of years had elapsed and he planned a subsequent affair of his own which devastated her. This has not been a unique case.
 

I have read comments by the OP on others’ threads and she, like you, provides some good advice. Personally, I am hoping this marriage survives. My post was not designed to bash the OP but to maybe ensure her marriage is properly repaired on BOTH sides when there are obviously serious issues to be addressed. I am not sure she is there yet, especially with ongoing rationalisation that what she did was not cheating.

[princessaurora]

I never delved into the world of infidelity before I came to this forum. To me cheating was defined as kissing or having sex with someone else when you are already committed. But now I see that emotional affairs can be just as damaging and sometimes even more so.  I feel for the people who are in these situations with their significant other and cannot believe I had even entertained those thoughts, albeit they were truly intrusive and not wanted. That is why I came here for help. Because I know in my heart of hearts I could never do such a thing and had truly lost myself in this situation. But even in that state I still made sure I never allowed there to be any in person interaction with him and I never said anything to feed it. This is not your run of the mill situation where I was hanging out with this guy and letting things escalate thinking I could control them. I haven't seen him since I was in high school, other than on skype. I did what I had to to keep myself out of trouble because of the intrusive thoughts that were popping in my head.  I love my husband and family and would never do anything to destroy them. That is the reason I reached out to see how to dissolve the situation, and the situation with him  has been dissolved. I haven't heard from him again after threatening to expose him, though his boss did come storming into the branch to ask me why he all of a sudden wanted to switch bankers when I came highly recommended. She sensed something had triggered this and he apparently told her there was a conflict of interest. (I don't know why he didn't just say it was due to proximity, he doesn't sound very smart.) She demanded to know what that conflict was, but I told her that we have a privacy policy and I can't disclose that to her.  She left right away, but I have a feeling she's not going to stop pushing for answers, so I showed my boss the email. He recommended I make a copy of it and delete it just in case we need it in the future, but hopefully it won't come to that. He said not only is there a pretty clear insinuation he's trying to hook up with me, but he's also breaking our covid policies by pressuring me to meet him in an unprotected environment. for banking business. (We are not even allowed to go on the other side of the plexiglass. My company has the strictest covid policies of any financial institution, I assure you. ) My boss doesn't want this going to HR because he played a part in it by not  supporting me when I insisted the account be moved and I have that in email documentation as well. So we both have alot to lose if it ends up escalating and are hoping it doesn't.

As for my marriage, my husband hasn't left again and the affection is slowly returning.  I have been reassuring him how much I love and desire him, but he still seems a little paranoid when I go places without him. I get it though. He's going to have that "what if she's not really at the store?" feeling for quite some time and my therapist confirmed that. I just answer when he calls so I don't stress him out. He never used to call me when I went out, so trust is still obviously an issue.  Now he wants to know how long I'm going to be because the kids are hungry or if he should bathe them, but I know those are just excuses to see what i'm up to. It makes me feel awful and I wish I could take that feeling away, but I know only constantly reassuring him of my love along with the passing of time will accomplish that. I still don't believe I would have ever gone through with sleeping with this guy. I couldn't even have sex with another guy when my husband and I broke up premarriage. From the day we met, I've never wanted to be intimate with anyone else and I never have been since that day.  But  I do acknowledge the desire was definitely there because of the fantasy surrounding it and the partly delusional state I was in  was making that line between fantasy and reality thinner and thinner.

Marriage counseling has begun (via zoom) and we've already uncovered something else beyond the book writing that may have triggered this whole thing. I'm not going to get into it because this thread had pretty much died, which was for the best since I accomplished what I primarily came here to do.  But I will tell you it was a real eye opener for me because until it was brought up, it never even occurred to me. Then, it was like omg, how did I not see this before? But I love my husband very much and I'm confident we will survive this because we've always been a very strong couple and have been through alot with raising our daughter and becoming parents again to our foster/adopted  children almost 20 years later. We've weathered alot of storms and will do the same in this.  As for my hobby,  I have resumed at my husband's request. He asked me to write him  a story about two women together because lesbians are a big fantasy for him, so I've been writing about two female fairies from different worlds  who fall in love and get it on in. It's quite spicy, and he's loving it so far. Just to clarify, I would not have started writing again if he had not asked me. I asked him if he was sure, because I didn't want to do anything to trigger what happened and he said, if no penises are involved it won't and he really wanted to see what I could come up with for a story of two female lovers.  I'm doing it at his request because I want to make him feel good and help him heal, so if he wants an erotic lesbian fairy story, he's going to get one. 

In closing, I'm not downplaying what I did. I recognize it was a major issue, but it could have been something much worse had I not put a stop to it. I shudder when I see the things on the infidelity boards people have done to their spouses. It's heartbreaking and I would never want to inflict that pain on my husband or children. I will do what I have to do to get past this, and pray that it will be enough. 

[princessaurora]

12 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Sorry, forgot to refer back to the original post where the OP discloses this man wanted to talk about a mortgage, but didn’t want his wife on the mortgage as who knows what may happen in the future. He also talked about his rental property and how he would be happy living the single life. 

My, how his wife will chortle if she heard his words because “it did not happen”. I bet she will say to her husband “one day we will look back on this and laugh”.

Do you really think that disclosure to his wife will be the cause of any future divorce or do you think that marriage is already dead and the wife just doesn’t know it yet?

What a catch he is!

I assume he said these things to make his wife appear less important. I've had alot of elderly clients do things like this jokingly, but he seemed dead serious.  That's the difference. A man trying to start an affair has to make the potential OW feel more important than the wife or hint he may be available in the near future. That is part of how he reels her in. As for what state his marriage is truly in, I have no clue, nor do I care because he is no longer in my life, so if it falls apart, it won't be because of me. I do feel for her though and hope if he does this on the regular, it will eventually come back to bite him in the butt. 

But i'm minding my own business.  I'm not getting involved. My relationship has already been blown up enough and I don't need my career to follow.   All I'm focusing on is repairing my marriage. That is all I care about at this point. 

Edited December 6, 2020 by princessaurora

[Pottering About]

You have a long hard road ahead of you but please do not make the mistake of thinking your husband is over everything just because things appear normal. His resentment could resurface many years later.

I really do wish you and your husband well for the future. 

[HappilyMarried]

On 12/6/2020 at 3:24 PM, princessaurora said:

I never delved into the world of infidelity before I came to this forum. To me cheating was defined as kissing or having sex with someone else when you are already committed. But now I see that emotional affairs can be just as damaging and sometimes even more so.  I feel for the people who are in these situations with their significant other and cannot believe I had even entertained those thoughts, albeit they were truly intrusive and not wanted. That is why I came here for help. Because I know in my heart of hearts I could never do such a thing and had truly lost myself in this situation. But even in that state I still made sure I never allowed there to be any in person interaction with him and I never said anything to feed it. This is not your run of the mill situation where I was hanging out with this guy and letting things escalate thinking I could control them. I haven't seen him since I was in high school, other than on skype. I did what I had to to keep myself out of trouble because of the intrusive thoughts that were popping in my head.  I love my husband and family and would never do anything to destroy them. That is the reason I reached out to see how to dissolve the situation, and the situation with him  has been dissolved. I haven't heard from him again after threatening to expose him, though his boss did come storming into the branch to ask me why he all of a sudden wanted to switch bankers when I came highly recommended. She sensed something had triggered this and he apparently told her there was a conflict of interest. (I don't know why he didn't just say it was due to proximity, he doesn't sound very smart.) She demanded to know what that conflict was, but I told her that we have a privacy policy and I can't disclose that to her.  She left right away, but I have a feeling she's not going to stop pushing for answers, so I showed my boss the email. He recommended I make a copy of it and delete it just in case we need it in the future, but hopefully it won't come to that. He said not only is there a pretty clear insinuation he's trying to hook up with me, but he's also breaking our covid policies by pressuring me to meet him in an unprotected environment. for banking business. (We are not even allowed to go on the other side of the plexiglass. My company has the strictest covid policies of any financial institution, I assure you. ) My boss doesn't want this going to HR because he played a part in it by not  supporting me when I insisted the account be moved and I have that in email documentation as well. So we both have alot to lose if it ends up escalating and are hoping it doesn't.

As for my marriage, my husband hasn't left again and the affection is slowly returning.  I have been reassuring him how much I love and desire him, but he still seems a little paranoid when I go places without him. I get it though. He's going to have that "what if she's not really at the store?" feeling for quite some time and my therapist confirmed that. I just answer when he calls so I don't stress him out. He never used to call me when I went out, so trust is still obviously an issue.  Now he wants to know how long I'm going to be because the kids are hungry or if he should bathe them, but I know those are just excuses to see what i'm up to. It makes me feel awful and I wish I could take that feeling away, but I know only constantly reassuring him of my love along with the passing of time will accomplish that. I still don't believe I would have ever gone through with sleeping with this guy. I couldn't even have sex with another guy when my husband and I broke up premarriage. From the day we met, I've never wanted to be intimate with anyone else and I never have been since that day.  But  I do acknowledge the desire was definitely there because of the fantasy surrounding it and the partly delusional state I was in  was making that line between fantasy and reality thinner and thinner.

Marriage counseling has begun (via zoom) and we've already uncovered something else beyond the book writing that may have triggered this whole thing. I'm not going to get into it because this thread had pretty much died, which was for the best since I accomplished what I primarily came here to do.  But I will tell you it was a real eye opener for me because until it was brought up, it never even occurred to me. Then, it was like omg, how did I not see this before? But I love my husband very much and I'm confident we will survive this because we've always been a very strong couple and have been through alot with raising our daughter and becoming parents again to our foster/adopted  children almost 20 years later. We've weathered alot of storms and will do the same in this.  As for my hobby,  I have resumed at my husband's request. He asked me to write him  a story about two women together because lesbians are a big fantasy for him, so I've been writing about two female fairies from different worlds  who fall in love and get it on in. It's quite spicy, and he's loving it so far. Just to clarify, I would not have started writing again if he had not asked me. I asked him if he was sure, because I didn't want to do anything to trigger what happened and he said, if no penises are involved it won't and he really wanted to see what I could come up with for a story of two female lovers.  I'm doing it at his request because I want to make him feel good and help him heal, so if he wants an erotic lesbian fairy story, he's going to get one. 

In closing, I'm not downplaying what I did. I recognize it was a major issue, but it could have been something much worse had I not put a stop to it. I shudder when I see the things on the infidelity boards people have done to their spouses. It's heartbreaking and I would never want to inflict that pain on my husband or children. I will do what I have to do to get past this, and pray that it will be enough. 

Hello, I have spent the whole evening reading this entire thread. I was so hoping going from the start that everything would work out for you and your husband. As my name says I am happily married and have been so for over 33 years. My wife did have a EA about 8+ years ago all through emails with her HS sweetheart she was a ministers child and was a virgin when we married but he was her first love. I knew she was starting to have some feelings for her old beau the emails increased and I knew it was becoming to get more intense. I never said anything I knew she loved me deeply and she stopped emailing him after about 3 months. Funny thing we lived about 2 hours apart from him and his 3rd wife. However 3 years after this we moved to the same area and started going to watch high school basketball games where she went to HS and he had a son that played on the team now. I meet him and would talk with him and everything is fine. Not sure why I went off on that but it made me think of it reading your story. I do want to stress one thing to you I had trust issues with her even though it was just some emails. My concern for you is that if your husband still is having trust issues to some extent you have told him no one knows about your situation except your best friend. If he is still having trust issues he may at some point check the computer search history and if he came across your posting on this site I'm afraid all of your hard work would be for not because unless you told him a lot of what your were feeling about your "business headache" you said some really intimate things about him you were feeling like this from page 2 "But this time is a very unique case because I do kind of know this guy and I am very attracted to him. I know i'm going to get alot of flack for that but I am, he's very sexy."  Also in one of your other post about sexual partners where you talked about I believe the FWB before you meet your husband and about the "Mind blowing sex" and how he was the only one to make you organism in the missionary position. I just would not want something to happen to cause more problems in your marriage. Also, I read your daughter knows about you on this site when she would post as she was your daughter and could let it slip sometime. As I said in this quarantine I had to find something to pass the time (lol). I just feel the more you post on here the more likely he could come across it. Again best of luck on your reconciliation.  

Edited January 2, 2021 by HappilyMarried

[HappilyMarried]

17 minutes ago, HappilyMarried said:

Hello, I have spent the whole evening reading this entire thread. I was so hoping going from the start that everything would work out for you and your husband. As my name says I am happily married and have been so for over 33 years. My wife did have a EA about 8+ years ago all through emails with her HS sweetheart she was a ministers child and was a virgin when we married but he was her first love. I knew she was starting to have some feelings for her old beau the emails increased and I knew it was becoming to get more intense. I never said anything I knew she loved me deeply and she stopped emailing him after about 3 months. Funny thing we lived about 2 hours apart from him and his 3rd wife. However 3 years after this we moved to the same area and started going to watch high school basketball games where she went to HS and he had a son that played on the team now. I meet him and would talk with him and everything is fine. Not sure why I went off on that but it made me think of it reading your story. I do want to stress one thing to you I had trust issues with her even though it was just some emails. My concern for you is that if your husband still is having trust issues to some extent you have told him no one knows about your situation except your best friend. If he is still having trust issues he may at some point check the computer search history and if he came across your posting on this site I'm afraid all of your hard work would be for not because unless you told him a lot of what your were feeling about your "business headache" you said some really intimate things about him you were feeling like this from page 2 "But this time is a very unique case because I do kind of know this guy and I am very attracted to him. I know i'm going to get alot of flack for that but I am, he's very sexy."  Also in one of your other post about sexual partners where you talked about I believe the FWB before you meet your husband and about the "Mind blowing sex" and how he was the only one to make you organism in the missionary position. I just would not want something to happen to cause more problems in your marriage. Also, I read your daughter knows about you on this site when she would post as she was your daughter and could let it slip sometime. As I said in this quarantine I had to find something to pass the time (lol). I just feel the more you post on here the more likely he could come across it. Again best of luck on your reconciliation.  

I'm sorry it timed out on me in the editing but especially I would hate if he saw this from your post if you haven't discussed it in your MC sessions. "I am so ashamed to say I find myself fantasizing about him more and more, whereas before it was his college self, sometimes now it's his current because he's still so damn handsome and the other day when me and my husband were having sex and he took me from behind, I thought of present him. I felt so awful, but it made me cum right away and I never cum in that position."

Finally, again I know this thread is about run its course I just wanted to bring this up as I said hoping nothing but the best and I would hate for this to cause new problems in your reconciliation.

[princessaurora]

8 hours ago, HappilyMarried said:

I'm sorry it timed out on me in the editing but especially I would hate if he saw this from your post if you haven't discussed it in your MC sessions. "I am so ashamed to say I find myself fantasizing about him more and more, whereas before it was his college self, sometimes now it's his current because he's still so damn handsome and the other day when me and my husband were having sex and he took me from behind, I thought of present him. I felt so awful, but it made me cum right away and I never cum in that position."

Finally, again I know this thread is about run its course I just wanted to bring this up as I said hoping nothing but the best and I would hate for this to cause new problems in your reconciliation.

Hi Happily married, 

Thanks for expressing your concerns. It is much appreciated. I'm not too worried about my husband reading these posts. He knows I've been on the boards for years because I sometimes tell him some of he dilemmas I read on here. In all honesty, he'd have no interest in reading all this. It's just not his cup of tea. 

My daughter is still with the same guy the LS members helped her with. She spends most of her time with him, and studying.  She only used my account temporarily to get some  advice on how to figure her now boyfriend out, so I don't believe it's likely she'll find or take a sudden interest in my posts. 

As for my former sexual experiences, my husband knows about them. I actually broke up with the guy who made me orgasm in missionary position to be with him. And he knows about the others, and I know about his. We've talked about sex alot from the beginning and are pretty much open books on the subject. 

I did discuss with my therapist  whether or not I should disclose more details about what I was feeling since I've read so much about trickle truthing on the Infidelity boards. But I was advised not to since these were just intrusive thoughts fed by my book writing and not real life interactions. She said if I had actually said anything to the guy to show interest, withholding that would have been risky,  but as you've read that was not the case. My thoughts were mostly on a subconscious level. My husband knows I was sexually attracted to the guy as I admitted that when he asked that day. 

We definitely still have trust issues which is one of the biggest things we're working on right now. He questions every purchase I make on my cards and everywhere I go,  which is something he's never done before all this.  But, hey I brought it on myself by making him doubt my commitment to him. I still can't believe I ever even dipped my toe into the world of infidelity. It's such a terrible place to go and my heart breaks for all the people having to endure their spouse doing it to them. I never read that section before all this, but now I find myself there trying to help others avoid the same situations I could have put myself in or assisting those who are already in it before it's too late. Being way on the other side of it now, it makes me so sick and sad that people can do that to the one they love. I still don't understand how they allow themselves to go there. Why don't they stop themselves?  Why do they engage the people who are potentially trying to destroy their marriage? I know I didn't shut it down when I should have, but I still did so before anything irreversible could happen. It blows my mind that others don't have that same strength. 

My husband and I are gradually getting intimate again, and I do believe we'll survive this. It will just take awhile to rebuild that trust and I'm willing to give him all the time he needs to do so. I give him plenty of affection and reassurance of my love which seems to be helping. 

That's all there really is to say about it right now. Thanks for your feedback and support:)

[HappilyMarried]

30 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

Hi Happily married, 

Thanks for expressing your concerns. It is much appreciated. I'm not too worried about my husband reading these posts. He knows I've been on the boards for years because I sometimes tell him some of he dilemmas I read on here. In all honesty, he'd have no interest in reading all this. It's just not his cup of tea. 

My daughter is still with the same guy the LS members helped her with. She spends most of her time with him, and studying.  She only used my account temporarily to get some  advice on how to figure her now boyfriend out, so I don't believe it's likely she'll find or take a sudden interest in my posts. 

As for my former sexual experiences, my husband knows about them. I actually broke up with the guy who made me orgasm in missionary position to be with him. And he knows about the others, and I know about his. We've talked about sex alot from the beginning and are pretty much open books on the subject. 

I did discuss with my therapist  whether or not I should disclose more details about what I was feeling since I've read so much about trickle truthing on the Infidelity boards. But I was advised not to since these were just intrusive thoughts fed by my book writing and not real life interactions. She said if I had actually said anything to the guy to show interest, withholding that would have been risky,  but as you've read that was not the case. My thoughts were mostly on a subconscious level. My husband knows I was sexually attracted to the guy as I admitted that when he asked that day. 

We definitely still have trust issues which is one of the biggest things we're working on right now. He questions every purchase I make on my cards and everywhere I go,  which is something he's never done before all this.  But, hey I brought it on myself by making him doubt my commitment to him. I still can't believe I ever even dipped my toe into the world of infidelity. It's such a terrible place to go and my heart breaks for all the people having to endure their spouse doing it to them. I never read that section before all this, but now I find myself there trying to help others avoid the same situations I could have put myself in or assisting those who are already in it before it's too late. Being way on the other side of it now, it makes me so sick and sad that people can do that to the one they love. I still don't understand how they allow themselves to go there. Why don't they stop themselves?  Why do they engage the people who are potentially trying to destroy their marriage? I know I didn't shut it down when I should have, but I still did so before anything irreversible could happen. It blows my mind that others don't have that same strength. 

My husband and I are gradually getting intimate again, and I do believe we'll survive this. It will just take awhile to rebuild that trust and I'm willing to give him all the time he needs to do so. I give him plenty of affection and reassurance of my love which seems to be helping. 

That's all there really is to say about it right now. Thanks for your feedback and support:)

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my concerns for you and your husband. As I said I hope nothing but the best for you and your husband going forward. Take care🙂