Past fantasy messing with my reality

[Caauug]

On 10/10/2020 at 3:51 AM, princessaurora said:

I love my husband very much and I would never do anything to hurt him,

I would question both those points. Maybe more need your husband but if you had the opportunity.... You would replace him with B's brother in a heart beat!!!

On 10/10/2020 at 3:51 AM, princessaurora said:

There was a guy I had a big crush on when I was in late high school. He was actually a former friend of mine's  older brother

And,

On 10/10/2020 at 3:51 AM, princessaurora said:

I am so ashamed to say I find myself fantasizing about him more and more, whereas before it was his college self, sometimes now it's his current because he's still so damn handsome and the other day when me and my husband were having sex and he took me from behind, I thought of present him. I felt so awful, but it made me cum right away and I never cum in that position.

 And,

14 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I have all the times in the past, but the problem is my husband knows about my erotic stories and he doesn't care because they're all based on life before him.

But, he should care!!! They are not in the past, yes they were based in the past but you have dragged them forward into your marriage. You have been having an EA with the memory of him while married to another man. That is cheating on your husband. You have been playing it down as fantasy in erotica in plain sight of your husband and he naively dismisses it, that is a lie he now believes is truth.

As for not wanting to hurt your husband? What if he found out the truth? You lust for another man while it is him making love to you....

OR.....

On 10/10/2020 at 3:51 AM, princessaurora said:

I write erotic stories in my spare time and in the last year, I've used him as my inspiration. I know nothing about his personality, so everything in my stories is completely fabricated other than his physical description.

This thread is fiction and you are just testing to see if we think it is believable...… 

Some people must have drama in their life, if it's not natural, it will be created.

[Dork Vader]

On 10/10/2020 at 5:19 PM, princessaurora said:

Thanks schlumpy for your feedback. 

If he had acted on something, I could definitely see doing this, but what if he's just flirting and doesn't plan on following through with anything? It's not uncommon for married clients to compliment me. It just usually doesn't involve making comments that look like they want out of the marriage. If he's just joking around, I don't  want to mess up his life when I'm not even 100% certain of his true motives. His company does have 6 accounts so  maybe he really does need more detailed financial consulting and meeting him halfway would be the polite thing to do, professionally.  Is there any way to know for sure other than meeting with him if he's looking to bang me or just blowing smoke? I mean obviously, if I brought someone with me, he wouldn't hit on me right in front of her, unless he's looking for a threesome. Lol

I guess I could suggest he bring his wife along, but based on the refinancing comment,  I have a pretty good idea how he'd respond. 

 

The flirting is clearly making you uncomfortable. I think your best bet would be to put up professional boundaries with this guy. I think you already some what have. That said, anytime he does not respect them or challenges them, tell him this is professional relationship please keep it that way and respect it.

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, princessaurora said:

But I also have a job I get very well paid to do and that is keep clients happy. So how do I dump a bucket of ice water on this guy without giving him pneumonia in the process?

You send the unspoken message (through voice inflection and body language) that you don't appreciate the flirting and personal intrusions. You might have to even use words––I'm sure you'd be able to select them appropriately. So your demeanor is positive when you're talking about business or neutral topics, but when he starts trying to get inside your hula hoop you shut it off. The trick is that you have to be convincing and consistent, as opposed to saying no while your non-verbal signal is saying yes-yes. It may take awhile since he's quite certain of the effect that he has on you, but I can assure you as a man that receiving negative signals (the eye roll disgust) in response to attempts to flirt is an awful feeling. 

I think it's admirable that you're so committed to your husband that [you feel] you'd never cross the line. The problem is that in your fantasy and erotic stories you've been crossing the line for quite some time. The difference between what you want and don't want is within you, not between you and him. As much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this, you may have to kill off the fantasy.

Edited October 12, 2020 by salparadise

[mark clemson]

Not to be mean but - you seem to be saying "can't", "won't", "not possible" in response to some of the advice above, when you should probably be saying "sure", "I'll try", "I'll figure out a way" instead.

You seem to be a bit of a regular, so not sure if you read Inf and OM/OW, but if you do (or as you already know) these things tend to blow up people's lives once discovered.

IF you end up "succumbing" to this because you didn't head it off now, and it's discovered, you may soon find out the types of choices you are refusing to make now seem laughably trivial compared to what you face. For example, unless your husband is basically a pushover, you may have to choose between changing jobs or quitting entirely vs. the prospect of divorce. You might not have a choice at all.

At that point, you will WISH you could go back in time and make the "easy" choices you had right now of figuring out how to put up some barriers to this. But, of course, by then it's too late.

I think the best advice I can give you right now is to "wise up". Make of that what you will...

Edited October 12, 2020 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, princessaurora said:

Does anyone think revealing my true identity will put a stop to this?  He may enjoy the 20 questions game I accidentally started. It seems most of his questions are geared towards figuring out if i'm his sister's former friend (what's my last name, where did i grow up). Maybe if the mystery is solved he would tone things way down. 

No, because he already knows who you are. It's obvious. It's not going to make it stop - why would it? 

You know exactly how to tone things down. The question is, why aren't you already doing it?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Dork Vader said:

The flirting is clearly making you uncomfortable. 

I'm afraid I don't get that impression, and worse, neither does the guy she's smitten with. 

He's reading her correctly: she is enjoying it, even if she doesn't say so.

[princessaurora]

5 hours ago, Caauug said:

You would replace him with B's brother in a heart beat!!!

I don't need my husband. I love and want my husband. I am an independent woman with a high paying job and family close by. I don't need a man. I never even planned on marrying or having kids till I met him. When you meet the one, those plans change instantly, so if you think this a marriage of convenience you are dead wrong. 

No, I wouldn't replace him with the guy. This is sexual attraction not love. I'm already married to my soulmate and he could never be replaced. 

 

5 hours ago, Caauug said:

But, he should care!!! They are not in the past, yes they were based in the past but you have dragged them forward into your marriage. You have been having an EA with the memory of him while married to another man. That is cheating on your husband. You have been playing it down as fantasy in erotica in plain sight of your husband and he naively dismisses it, that is a lie he now believes is truth.

As for not wanting to hurt your husband? What if he found out the truth? You lust for another man while it is him making love to you....

It is not an EA. The only portion of this guy i'm drawn to is his physical appearance. The only depiction he has in my stories is his looks. The rest of him is made up mostly of my husband's personality. I normally visualize famous people, but this past year I decided to use someone real, but so far removed. He just happened to pop in my head and I remembered how hot he was which fueled my writing. To me he was just as safe as a famous person. I haven't seen him in over 25 years and to my knowledge he settled somewhere close to where he attended college. 

 I never even fathomed he'd reemerge in my life. It blew my mind when I saw his name on the company's secretary of state docs. I thought, is this for real, am I on candid camera? Nonetheless, he's not a true threat to my marriage because I have zero in common with this guy. He hunts/fishes which I find barbaric. He's obsessed with football. (I know these things because it's all part of an intro discussion we have with new clients to make small talk.)  My husband is an adventurer and a deep thinker who could take or leave watching a sports game. He's a caring, compassionate person who is just a great all around guy. He's also still so freakin adorable and looks nowhere near his age (47). We both have a greater appreciation for life than many other people. There is no danger of him being replaced. This is pure sexual attraction, nothing more.

Do you think I wanted this guy to enter my thoughts while I was making love with my husband? He just did. I felt so awful about it I cried in the shower afterwards because I've never been tempted by another man since the day I married my husband, and believe me there's been plenty of opportunities. I could screw a different guy every day if I wanted to. I'm approached nearly every time i go somewhere. Not trying to brag, just stating a fact. But I've never wanted to, not till now. My husband and I had a short breakup about 4 yrs into our relationship. Even then I couldn't bring myself to sleep with another man, though he had no problem banging other women during that time. But me, I just couldn't do it. When I got to that point with whoever I was dating, I'd end it. From the day we started dating, I have never wanted another man inside me and noone ever has been. I fell head over heels in love at first sight and my heart was instantly his. That is why this is such a hard pill for me to swallow. Because this is a true desire.  It wasn't when I was only thinking of 21 year old him and 17 year old me. It was no different than any  other fantasy. I opened my eyes or walked away from my laptop and I was instantly snapped back to reality. Now those  lines are blurred because he's nearby, still hot, and making himself potentially accessible. But what someone wants to do and actually does are two totally different things. It's like I have a  dark chocolate godiva candy bar and I really want another one because it taste so freakin good. But if I eat a second one, I may gain a pound or two and that orgasmically delicious candy bar is not worth gaining those pounds, just like this desire to bang the ever living daylights out of this fudgehawt guy is not worth ruining my marriage. I know what I actually have to do without a doubt and I will find a way to do it somehow. 

7 hours ago, Caauug said:

This thread is fiction and you are just testing to see if we think it is believable...… 

Some people must have drama in their life, if it's not natural, it will be created.

I wish that were true, Caauug. It would make my life so much easier. 

I have plenty of drama in my life already, I have a 19 yr old daughter and 2 little ones I adopted that have alot of behavioral issues. Why do you think I started writing in the first place? I needed an outlet to escape that drama. 

It wasn't supposed to cause more drama. 

 

So let me ask you a question. You accuse me of cheating because I write erotica? Do you think steamy romance writers don't have husbands and families? Do you think they don't envision themselves in those stories as they're writing? And what about people who self pleasure which is most of us? If you're married or in a LTR, can you honestly tell me every time you touch yourself or your significant other does you're thinking about each other? My husband thinks certain famous women are hot. I'm not an idiot. I know when he stays in the shower for longer than normal, its not me he's thinking about. He can have me anytime he wants. That's not much of a fantasy. Do I consider that cheating? No, I don't. He knows I write about sex. He has read some of my stuff. He's even incorporated ideas into some of my stories. He knows I fantasize when i write about whoever my character is. I know he fantasizes when he watches porn. It doesn't bother either of us because we both know this is an escape from reality. If having thoughts about others is cheating, I would imagine that would put the infidelity rate at pretty close to 100%. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

You clearly have a tendency to dramatize and romanticize things. I get it, as I tend to mythologize my life  But all this is much sexier and much better in the pages of a romance novel than reality. You'd be a conquest of the ego for this guy, another notch on the bedpost, and after you strayed, you'd have to deal with all the devastation you caused, which would be a lot more painful than the fleeting pleasure of an affair.

I'd keep it 100% pure business with this guy, and try to divert your fantasies elsewhere. He's just a guy who's looking for ego gratification on the side, not the mysterious stud you're making him out to be in your fantasies.

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, salparadise said:

You send the unspoken message (through voice inflection and body language) that you don't appreciate the flirting and personal intrusions. You might have to even use words––I'm sure you'd be able to select them appropriately. So your demeanor is positive when you're talking about business or neutral topics, but when he starts trying to get inside your hula hoop you shut it off. The trick is that you have to be convincing and consistent, as opposed to saying no while your non-verbal signal is saying yes-yes. It may take awhile since he's quite certain of the effect that he has on you, but I can assure you as a man that receiving negative signals (the eye roll disgust) in response to attempts to flirt is an awful feeling. 

I think it's admirable that you're so committed to your husband that [you feel] you'd never cross the line. The problem is that in your fantasy and erotic stories you've been crossing the line for quite some time. The difference between what you want and don't want is within you, not between you and him. As much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this, you may have to kill off the fantasy.

I don't know if I could eyeroll at him. I can't even do that with the nasty ones because we don't want to make them feel bad. We actually go to body language classes to ensure we know how to control our emotions, no joke. Of course, after they leave my desk (precovid times), I'm in the breakroom making all kinds of disgusting faces I've had to hold back. 

I think you're right about killing the fantasy, much as I hate too cause it's a damn good story. I guess i could just change his character. That shy dude from this season of MAFS is pretty cute. Maybe i'll use him. lol  I never would have gotten myself into this mess if I wouldn't have been trying so hard to protect my character from being tainted by his real life presence. I would have just  been like. "Oh hey, I remember you. I used to hang out with your sister in high school. What have you been up to? How is B doing? Tell her I said hi. "Bla bla bla", and then back to business. But instead, he obviously recognized me, and I decided to be cryptic, so now it's become an ongoing game with no end in sight. I know alot of my attraction is because of this fantasy  based on so much I've built up in my head. He's not the first hot guy to hit on me and he won't be the last. He's just one I've actually envisioned myself sleeping with because of my dang hobby and that's what makes this a very different type of situation. 

I haven't actually been able to write in a few days anyway because I feel so guilty. I'm hoping I can "detox" him out of my mind a bit by pulling back from writing about him. That's why I'm so happy I'm off till Wed. It gives me a chance to clear my head and maybe next time we converse, I'll see him in a slightly dimmer light.  

[princessaurora]

33 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You clearly have a tendency to dramatize and romanticize things. I get it, as I tend to mythologize my life  But all this is much sexier and much better in the pages of a romance novel than reality. You'd be a conquest of the ego for this guy, another notch on the bedpost, and after you strayed, you'd have to deal with all the devastation you caused, which would be a lot more painful than the fleeting pleasure of an affair.

I'd keep it 100% pure business with this guy, and try to divert your fantasies elsewhere. He's just a guy who's looking for ego gratification on the side, not the mysterious stud you're making him out to be in your fantasies.

I agree with you 100% Ruby. He could never live up to this vision I've created and I know that. Only my husband could even come close because everything beyond his looks is pretty much based on him. He just has a different appearance because writing about the same one I've been staring at for over 20 years is pretty boring. And truth be told if their two roles were reversed , my husband would have the same effect on me if he was the other guy because they are both very attractive men. I just need to take a step back and get my head out of the clouds so I can deal with this guy in the manner I know I have to. It is my fault this all happened for not being honest about who I was and I need to accept that. I'm the one who got myself into this pickle in the first place and i'm the only one who can get myself out. 

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

But instead, he obviously recognized me, and I decided to be cryptic, so now it's become an ongoing game with no end in sight

You can put an end to the game, OP. 

A simple, "Ha, the jig is up, yes, I was friends with your sister ages ago. How is she?" Steer the conversation toward her and away from you. If he presses you on why you didn't tell him, you don't need to give details. Say that you prefer not to discloser personal details with clients but since he's pieced it together on his own, you confirm your identity. That's really all there is to it. It doesn't need to be complicated. 

If you're being honest with yourself, do you want to put an end to this game? In your heart of hearts? Or have you started looking forward to the banter?

Edited October 12, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Caauug]

22 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

So let me ask you a question.

Just one??? Looks like more than that!!! Please bare with me, I will try....

23 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

You accuse me of cheating because I write erotica? 

No I did not, for acting it out, yes.... Or should I say experiencing it out in real life.

25 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

Do you think steamy romance writers don't have husbands and families?

I can't say, I don't know any....

28 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

Do you think they don't envision themselves in those stories as they're writing?

Yes likely, but do they envision themselves with the "Somewhat/ no so somewhat" fictional lover when/while/instead of, being pumped by the person they married?

38 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

And what about people who self pleasure which is most of us?

And what? Self pleasure with your partner and not think about them? No.... Not for me... 

45 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

If you're married or in a LTR, can you honestly tell me every time you touch yourself or your significant other does you're thinking about each other?

4 questions here:,1 no, 2.yes, 3 & 4 can't say, not me.

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

My husband thinks certain famous women are hot. I'm not an idiot.

Good,  he sounds normal. Men are programed with evolution (as women are also just in different ways) to value the opposite sex for qualities they have.  His values will reflect looks for the greater part.

Does your husband think of the "Famous Women" while pumping you, and you are thinking about your high school sweetheart/erotic fictional memory /real HVM? We know what you think about, what does you husband think about?  

Let's face the facts, your husband's famous women will never be reality, you know this, he knows this, we know this.

Your high school sweetheart has a very good chance of capturing your lust/love.... Please do not compare.  

 

 

 

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Not to be mean but - you seem to be saying "can't", "won't", "not possible" in response to some of the advice above, when you should probably be saying "sure", "I'll try", "I'll figure out a way" instead.

You seem to be a bit of a regular, so not sure if you read Inf and OM/OW, but if you do (or as you already know) these things tend to blow up people's lives once discovered.

IF you end up "succumbing" to this because you didn't head it off now, and it's discovered, you may soon find out the types of choices you are refusing to make now seem laughably trivial compared to what you face. For example, unless your husband is basically a pushover, you may have to choose between changing jobs or quitting entirely vs. the prospect of divorce. You might not have a choice at all.

At that point, you will WISH you could go back in time and make the "easy" choices you had right now of figuring out how to put up some barriers to this. But, of course, by then it's too late.

I think the best advice I can give you right now is to "wise up". Make of that what you will...

I don't see you as being mean. I need a good flogging and appreciate everyone whose giving it to me.  If I discussed this with most of my girlfriends, they would be screaming so loud at me for even thinking about another man. Most of them have unhappy/failed marriages and envy what me and my husband have. I wouldn't even be able to hear right now if they knew all this was going on. Not to mention, he would already know because they absolutely adore him. 

Hubby is not a pushover, but he is not the jealous type either. He tells me all the time how much he loves being told he has a beautiful wife. He never gets enough of it. Just like i love when i'm told my husband is so cute/handsome. But he will also step in when necessary and has several times as I've given examples of in previous posts. 

I've never ventured to the OM/OW section because that is not an area I ever plan to be a part of. I tend to stick to my areas of experience. 

I still don't understand why people think i'm not putting up barriers. I insist he conduct his transactions at his nearest location .I even email the paperwork over there for them to print out.  I don't flirt back with him. I steer him back to business when he starts veering off. These are all signs that i'm not interested, and it's more than I've ever done because I am that determined to keep him at arm's length. But with his extremely good looks, he's probably a man whose never or rarely been rejected and may perceive my extreme rebuffs as playing hard to get. That's my latest theory. But they are still the techniques we are trained to use, with every client who behaves this way, attractive or not to diffuse the attention. This is how we handle it  They say "man, i wish i would have met you earlier, when i was younger, before i was married, etc. I laugh it off and conduct business. They may even continue to do it time after time and my reaction stays the same. I have become accustomed to react this way. I guess you can say we're sort of like actors. It's pretty much a robotic reaction. I think most of them know I'm just appeasing them, but they still enjoy it. His attitude is much more persistent. Where the other guys tend to use the same lines over and over, this casanova just pushes further and further every time. Like sal said, he gets me wet and he knows it. I guess he sees something I don't because I can only see him when I'm skyping. But I know how hot I feel when he says certain things. It's like trying so hard not to laugh but anyone can still see you're about to bust out any second. Only in this case, it's not laughter, its arousal..

I  agree I do need to wise up. I keep asking everyone how to cool him off. I may need to reroute my plan to cool myself off and that starts with abandoning any stories involving him.  

 

 

[mark clemson]

17 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I don't see you as being mean.

A few thoughts for you:

- Even if your husband isn't the jealous type, as you probably realize that in NO way means he would accept infidelity, particularly a physical affair

- I believe that almost all men, good looking or no, experience rejection from women - particularly if they go around making passes and similar at taken women; not all of the women are even interested in flirting (some are, and some are interested in more, but that's besides the point)

- I think posters above are right in that part of what drives this is that he KNOWS it's you, knows that you know, and he probably can see you still have a thing for him; smart and perceptive men can tell when a woman is "turned on but holding back" and naturally it gets them interested; he has probably figured out why you didn't just own up to being the old acquaintance that you actually are

- You say you are putting barriers up; I think what I and probably other folks are noticing is that due to his persistence, the intensity of your feelings, etc, they may not be enough; you don't see this guy as replacement for your husband material, fair enough, but this does have "oops I made a mistake" written all over it; given how aware you are of the whole situation, it's totally reasonable to question how much of a "mistake" it would actually be

Edited October 12, 2020 by mark clemson

[Ruby Slippers]

I notice that you seem very fixated on looks - yours, your husband's, and your fantasy guy's. This is all ego, meaningless in the grand scheme, just as this affair would be. I get the impression this is all an exercise in validating your ego, just as it's an exercise for this guy in validating his own ego. 

Almost any woman can have an affair with a good-looking guy. They're a dime a dozen for casual encounters. Why do you need this to make yourself feel special? It suggest there's something missing in your life.

[princessaurora]

56 minutes ago, Caauug said:

No I did not, for acting it out, yes.... Or should I say experiencing it out in real life.

I am not acting it out. I haven't seen this guy in 25 years except for virtually.

 

58 minutes ago, Caauug said:

Yes likely, but do they envision themselves with the "Somewhat/ no so somewhat" fictional lover when/while/instead of, being pumped by the person they married?

It happened for a few seconds and it wasn't intentional. I can't control what pops in my head out of nowhere. I don't have superpowers. Normally, I think of noone but my husband during sex.  That's why I felt bad afterwards. I have a conscience, you know. 

 

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

4 questions here:,1 no, 2.yes, 3 & 4 can't say, not me.

Well, good for you. I bet once you've been married for 10-15 years, your husband won't be your go to during masturbation thoughts.

 

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

Good,  he sounds normal. Men are programed with evolution (as women are also just in different ways) to value the opposite sex for qualities they have.  His values will reflect looks for the greater part.

Does your husband think of the "Famous Women" while pumping you, and you are thinking about your high school sweetheart/erotic fictional memory /real HVM? We know what you think about, what does you husband think about?  

Let's face the facts, your husband's famous women will never be reality, you know this, he knows this, we know this.

Your high school sweetheart has a very good chance of capturing your lust/love.... Please do not compare.  

So, it's ok for men to think of other women when they self pleasure, but not women? That sounds like a double standard. 

I had an intrusive thought pop up one time during actual sex, that's it. He may think of Charlize Theron for all I know when we're getting it on. I'm not in his head. And you're not in your man/woman's head. They can tell you they're thinking of you, but that doesn't mean it's true. That's why I don't even ask. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. 

He was not my high school sweetheart. He was a friend's older brother who I saw at her house on school breaks. I was not in love with him. I just thought he was hot and he seemed to think the same of me based on how he flirted/looked at me,  end of story. To me he is almost like a famous person. I haven't seen him in  over 25 years and I barely knew him. That person existed in my past, not in my present, till now. I was 17, that was practically a lifetime ago, so I will compare because he was never anything more than a crush, much like I had on boy band members back then. That's why it seemed a safe choice to write about.  

[princessaurora]

22 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I notice that you seem very fixated on looks - yours, your husband's, and your fantasy guy's. This is all ego, meaningless in the grand scheme, just as this affair would be. I get the impression this is all an exercise in validating your ego, just as it's an exercise for this guy in validating his own ego. 

Almost any woman can have an affair with a good-looking guy. They're a dime a dozen for casual encounters. Why do you need this to make yourself feel special? It suggest there's something missing in your life.

 I like pretty things. I guess that is why looks are important. They're a big part of sexual attraction for me. . 

My heart doesn't want this, just my body and I think it's to satisfy the fantasy .I really do. I mean, who doesn't want to act out a fantasy?  (Even though deep down, it would never play out as expected like we discussed previously) I know I wouldn't have had any trouble handling him if he wasn't already the star in my story. We would have had a brief convo about the good ol days and that would have been the gist of it. Maybe I would have mentioned the crush, maybe not. If he would have complimented me, I would have been flattered but not squeeing inside like a teenage girl. I wouldn't have cared if he came to the branch to sign papers. I would have even met him halfway to make it easier because he wouldn't have been a temptation if the story didn't exist. The majority of this is being fueled by my naughty hobby, on my part and unknowingly his, too. It's not just what he says, but how he says it. You can tell the difference  when a guy mentions how he'd love to be single and living in his rental property in passing, and when he's saying it to lure a female into a tryst. I know by his tone what he's implying and the way he looks at me while he waits for feedback is clearly obvious. He wants to validate his ego by winning the game. I want to validate mine by bringing the fantasy to life. These two things are a recipe for disaster, so I must find a way to squash both the game and the fantasy. 

 I wouldn't say there's anything missing in my life, per se. But I do have alot of stress. My youngest daughter has major behavioral issues and my son to an extent (we fostered and then adopted them), my job is very stressful, and this dang pandemic has us all going a little haywire. I write to escape and I guess potentially getting it on with this guy would be an extension of that escape. That's my theory. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/9/2020 at 12:51 PM, princessaurora said:

This is probably going to be a little long, so bear with me.

Firstly, let me start off by saying I love my husband very much and I would never do anything to hurt him, so this is a really sticky situation for me to be in. There was a guy I had a big crush on when I was in late high school. He was actually a former friend of mine's  older brother and I rarely saw him because he  went to college in another state, but on the occasions I did, we were very flirty with each other  I write erotic stories in my spare time and in the last year, I've used him as my inspiration. I know nothing about his personality, so everything in my stories is completely fabricated other than his physical description. He was just one of the hottest guys i've ever seen, so I thought he'd be a great choice. He actually has alot of my hubby's personality in my stories.

I'm a banker and back in May I opened an account for a new client. When they handed me the paperwork for the business and I saw his name on it, I couldn't believe it. He is one of their members and I knew it was  him because his name is very unique. I never thought our paths would cross again, but his boss lives in my city and he lives about 90 minutes from here. She asked me if he had to come see me to be added the account and I told her no, I could email it to his local branch to sign. Basically, this is how I've been handling him because the idea of seeing him again freaks me out. He is/was mostly  a fantasy and needs to remain that way.  He skypes me pretty frequently about banking business and tries to find reasons to come to the branch, but I always convince him he can do it through his local branch or by skyping me. So far this has worked, though he jokes around about how he thinks i'm trying to avoid him. Thankfully right now, I can play the pandemic card, but I know that won't be the case forever. I'm not going to lie, he is still incredibly attractive even though he's about to turn 48, and i'm almost positive he knows who I am. His personal questions have almost become a joke at this point because he knows I'm not going to truthfully answer them. He asks me where I grew up, I tell him in a house. He asks me what my last name is. I give him my married name. Then he says no, your real last name. I say that is my real last name. He says I remind him so much of this girl his sister used to know, but I'm too young looking to be her. He also tells me i'm very pretty and my eyes are just....wow. The truth is if I wouldn't have resurrected thoughts of him by making him the main character of my recent stories I would have told him right away we knew each other, we may have waxed nostalgia a bit, and that would have been the end of it. But now, I've kind of dug myself in a hole I don't know how i'm going to get out of.  I love my stories and don't want to get to know him because it could blur my perception and ruin my story and I don't want to change characters because I've been working on it for almost a year. Not to mention, I'm still very attracted to him and he's been getting more and more flirty. He inquired about refinancing his house but doesn't his want his wife on the mortgage because "who knows what can happen in the future" He talks about his rental property and how he would be totally content being single and living there. Most recently, he asked me to meet him at a restaurant halfway between where we live so we can go over some of his business future financial plans. I told him I don't eat out right now due to covid. Then he had the nerve to call me out for eating at a restaurant with my husband for our anniversary back in July! He claims his wife and I have mutual friends (we do have one) on fb and that's how he saw it, but that's a little far fetched to me. I reiterated it was a special occasion and I don't eat out right now, so he said as soon as everything is normal again, he wants to have a business meeting. He also asked me for my number. I told him it's on my business card which his boss has like a stack of. He said he wants my main number because i'm his banker and should be available to him 24/7. I told him, nope, I only work 9-5. 

Maybe he's just playing around but his persistence concerns me.  I don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to keep him at bay. I'm afraid he's going to come waltzing in to my office one day soon. I can't transfer him to anyone else as his boss has already said from the beginning I am the only person they're going to deal with and they have alot of money so my boss says we are going to do whatever we need to do to keep them happy. I can't quit my job as I have 2 young children and a daughter in college, so I am basically stuck riding out this situation. I am so ashamed to say I find myself fantasizing about him more and more, whereas before it was his college self, sometimes now it's his current because he's still so damn handsome and the other day when me and my husband were having sex and he took me from behind, I thought of present him. I felt so awful, but it made me cum right away and I never cum in that position. How do i get myself out of this situation without affecting my job? Do I tell the guy who I am? Do i continue to play stupid and hope he'll lose interest in getting together?  I don't know if he really just wants to talk business or something more. I've had my fair share of married  flirty clients over the years but most turned out to be harmless  He has an attractive wife and 2 beautiful daughters. I don't know why he would want to potentially destroy that but some of the things he says seem a little out of line for a married man, and I don't think his wife would appreciate it.  I've only discussed this with my bff and a few coworkers. They all think he's trying to start an affair with me.. I can't tell any of my other friends because they are my hubby's friends too and would probably tell him. I really need some unbiased advice. 

 

 

First of all -  of COURSE he's trying to start an affair with you  (don't take another breath without understanding that and treating it as a "given". )

 

Wow, what a unique challenge!

 

And you're right, the power of your own words...   (which in many cases one neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds a real 'image'  in order to write inspired fiction) has magnified this a great deal.

But that will be NOTHING compared the the exponential effect of your ever meeting him in person again.  

 

The hot older brother of a female school friend is such an unending sought-after role  in ones mind.

 

And lets get real - he knows  who you are...     and just wants to get you to admit it.

(that will be another step in letting your guard down  which will spell D A N G E R to you on multiple levels)

 

I get the sense that he's so hot that he's the rare guy who can get an invitation to f*ck almost anything that wiggles...

and that  you'd be far from the first person with whom he cheated on his wife.

 

The role that YOU play in HIS mind... and have for most of a lifetime (albeit passively, and way near the back of his mind)...  is STILL ready to explode like dynomite.

 

He gets home from college on a weekend break... and little sister has this new, feminine/curvy/eye-catching  friend over...  and the relatively relaxed-and-sure-of-himself vibe he exuded (combined with YOUR perception that he was "safe")...   had you... uh... feeling your own reactions  to him each and every time on those rare occasions you saw him at her house.  You likely asked your old friend far too many questions about her older brother, but she was used to that from all of her friends.

This guy could alway sense your attention  whenever he was near...   but you (or perhaps even SHE, the younger sister) kept his hands away from the forbidden fruit.   But there were a couple of times where you caught him peeking...   and you later walked home with a spring in your step at the very thought of a guy like that... admiring something in much-younger you.

 

(so yeah, I can sense the powder keg that could blow here)

 

 

I'm betting that he hunted you down via Facebook or some other means...   and he long knew you were a banker, and upon first discovering that, he long-ago put it in his mind that IF there were ever a need to change banks,  OR if HE were ever the one to make decisions about changing banks, he would look to see if YOU could be had (at least for banking concerns).

 

Now, suddenly, the firm and evolving little sister's friend  has matured...  and while she has the look of a 40-something woman, with at least 3 kids, it's unique and particularly captivating because it now seems the finished product  of whatever seemed sure to be so fine back in his mind.  He can probably still f*ck most of the women he wants... and to those fortunate guys, that might get boring over time...   but now he's honed-in on a fantasy from his OWN mind... his OWN past...  and THAT still possesses the explosiveness to woo him through sharing his next fat paycheck with his wife, and enduring the monotony of his marital routine (now made more so by Covid)...  all in the quest to have  the hot young sister's friend whose physical appeal tantalized him so, back in the day.

 

IF EVER you go and meet this guy in person... there will be a PUDDLE on your seat, regardless of whether it is in a coffee shop, your desk chair at work, or in a corporate boardroom.

 

And all of the factors that are magnified by your erotic stories...   are magnified at least as much BY his having set his sites on the hot little friend of his sister.

 

IF indeed your honest quest is to STOP this obvious snowballing hormonal cataclysm from transpiring for the good of all:

Your husband

your marriage

your daughters

his marriage

his family

his daughters

*even that old high school friend of yours

your employer

 

... then you have to ACT,  against the grain of this powerfully snowballing AROUSAL...  PERHAP by going to your boss, having a direct and minimally harnessed conversation, and making it crystal clear to your boss that this man is largely engaged with your company as a means through which to effect a physical affair with  the long-ago high school friend of his little sister. 

You don't need to own-up to the erotic story-writing (and thank god the older brother guy doesn't know about THAT)...

But you need to put everything else on the table for your boss to understand...    now admittedly the boss may still require you to conduct business as hoped... but at the very least this would serve as you...  taking responsibility for posting BOUNDARIES in your path which would cause you to have at least SOMEbody to answer to, IF indeed you embark upon the REactions you seem to be attempting to resist.

 

The arousal you felt when getting it from behind from your husband was nothing compared to the near-term, drug-like RUSH you would derive from hooking-up with this guy a time or two, but you need to resist that significant lure for all that is good about your life.

And damn, it must be tough to resist.

 

SO I vote      Tell your boss precisely why that guy and his money found you and your bank...  and then be willing to go through with business interactions ONLY... if that is what your boss continues to require...     but the exercise of having informed your boss will at least serve to keep you m-m-m-m-m-mostly in line,  AND will reduce by one entity the eventual would-be effects of various entities being ""surprised""  by anything personal  to which you agree.

Maybe the boss will consent to accompany you on business meetings...

 

You do, for NOW,  seem to have a conscience and a sense for what really IS best...    but damn...  (it would be tantalizing to live through such an encounter from either side, for a night or two)

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/10/2020 at 8:33 PM, princessaurora said:

 I am not doing anything to feed his behavior, whatever the motive is. I'm trying to do this in a way that I don't jeopardize the financial relationship because they have millions of dollars with us.

 

You are not getting it:

 

You ARE THE "FEED".   You're like Cheerios saying:   "I am not feeding you Cheerios".

 

In the same way that your erotic stories have magnified your position...  your role as the long-ago hot young friend of little sister's began magnifying HIS position 25 years ago.

 

It is totally naive to think that he doesn't  A) know precisely who you are    and  B) want to bang you with significant intent

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/10/2020 at 9:19 PM, princessaurora said:

I can tell you If we were both single, that business meeting would have already taken place, probably in his bed.   But the reality is, we are both married with families  and I can't speak for him, but my marriage is not lacking. My husband is still very attractive, he's a great father and an amazing lover, I don't want for anything. I just need to find the balance between keeping his company happy with our services without having to provide additional ones that could jeopardize my marriage. 

You get points for honesty...    and nothing about your story deviates from this honesty.

(the way to PRY yourself away from this temptation is through carefully plotting your course...   (having somebody WITH you - SAME vehicle - at all related business meetings)... and being proactive from a logical perspective before you end up reactive to the puddle on your chair)

 

(pause)  You've replaced erotic fiction with erotic non-fiction

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

22 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I write to escape and I guess potentially getting it on with this guy would be an extension of that escape. That's my theory. 

Would it help or hurt to write out the rest of the fantasy, the perfect imaginary version? That way perhaps you can experience it in your imagination with no real-life consequences.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

5 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I don't need my husband. I love and want my husband. I am an independent woman with a high paying job and family close by. I don't need a man. I never even planned on marrying or having kids till I met him. When you meet the one, those plans change instantly, so if you think this a marriage of convenience you are dead wrong. 

No, I wouldn't replace him with the guy. This is sexual attraction not love. I'm already married to my soulmate and he could never be replaced. 

 

It is not an EA. The only portion of this guy i'm drawn to is his physical appearance. The only depiction he has in my stories is his looks. The rest of him is made up mostly of my husband's personality. I normally visualize famous people, but this past year I decided to use someone real, but so far removed. He just happened to pop in my head and I remembered how hot he was which fueled my writing. To me he was just as safe as a famous person. I haven't seen him in over 25 years and to my knowledge he settled somewhere close to where he attended college. 

 I never even fathomed he'd reemerge in my life. It blew my mind when I saw his name on the company's secretary of state docs. I thought, is this for real, am I on candid camera? Nonetheless, he's not a true threat to my marriage because I have zero in common with this guy. He hunts/fishes which I find barbaric. He's obsessed with football. (I know these things because it's all part of an intro discussion we have with new clients to make small talk.)  My husband is an adventurer and a deep thinker who could take or leave watching a sports game. He's a caring, compassionate person who is just a great all around guy. He's also still so freakin adorable and looks nowhere near his age (47). We both have a greater appreciation for life than many other people. There is no danger of him being replaced. This is pure sexual attraction, nothing more.

Do you think I wanted this guy to enter my thoughts while I was making love with my husband? He just did. I felt so awful about it I cried in the shower afterwards because I've never been tempted by another man since the day I married my husband, and believe me there's been plenty of opportunities. I could screw a different guy every day if I wanted to. I'm approached nearly every time i go somewhere. Not trying to brag, just stating a fact. But I've never wanted to, not till now. My husband and I had a short breakup about 4 yrs into our relationship. Even then I couldn't bring myself to sleep with another man, though he had no problem banging other women during that time. But me, I just couldn't do it. When I got to that point with whoever I was dating, I'd end it. From the day we started dating, I have never wanted another man inside me and noone ever has been. I fell head over heels in love at first sight and my heart was instantly his. That is why this is such a hard pill for me to swallow. Because this is a true desire.  It wasn't when I was only thinking of 21 year old him and 17 year old me. It was no different than any  other fantasy. I opened my eyes or walked away from my laptop and I was instantly snapped back to reality. Now those  lines are blurred because he's nearby, still hot, and making himself potentially accessible. But what someone wants to do and actually does are two totally different things. It's like I have a  dark chocolate godiva candy bar and I really want another one because it taste so freakin good. But if I eat a second one, I may gain a pound or two and that orgasmically delicious candy bar is not worth gaining those pounds, just like this desire to bang the ever living daylights out of this fudgehawt guy is not worth ruining my marriage. I know what I actually have to do without a doubt and I will find a way to do it somehow. 

I wish that were true, Caauug. It would make my life so much easier. 

I have plenty of drama in my life already, I have a 19 yr old daughter and 2 little ones I adopted that have alot of behavioral issues. Why do you think I started writing in the first place? I needed an outlet to escape that drama. 

 

 

All of the above is very sincere... and I brand it "authentic" .

(though I resolve to never sense the sorts of people who go (pleasure) fishing as  "Barbaric" )

 

The fantasies spun from those long-ago high school days are completely normal... and you just find yourself in a very unique situation in which you were likely targeted.

In a way, even, it's like the (al)lure of money...  for sex.

 

Not only that, but you are a great example of women in general...   where it concerns the stark difference between how women regard their relationships vs. how men regard their (same) relationships.

Women are in those relationships because THEY want to be in them, and because THEY want to hold those relationships in high regard.  (so it doesn't matter that they still speak to some guy who banged them on a Tuesday in 2003)

A man in the same relationship has zero interest in being mere "friends"  with women he wouldn't rather be banging.

 

Your honesty here, about crying in the shower afterward...  fits the broad range of  normalcy...    and clearly that isn't fiction.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

15 hours ago, Caauug said:

You have been having an EA with the memory of him while married to another man.

 

3 hours ago, Caauug said:

 Please bare with me

 

Now who is having the "EA" here??

 

 

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You can put an end to the game, OP. 

A simple, "Ha, the jig is up, yes, I was friends with your sister ages ago. How is she?" Steer the conversation toward her and away from you. If he presses you on why you didn't tell him, you don't need to give details. Say that you prefer not to discloser personal details with clients but since he's pieced it together on his own, you confirm your identity. That's really all there is to it. It doesn't need to be complicated. 

If you're being honest with yourself, do you want to put an end to this game? In your heart of hearts? Or have you started looking forward to the banter?

I didn't at first because the whole reason I  refused to reveal I was "that girl" was to protect my character and my story. I was guarding my erotic novel with my life because I love my outlet and didn't want it tainted. It didnt occur to me he would se this as game playing. Now that things have escalated to a place I never expected, I have to shift to protecting my marriage. The story has to be abandoned or at least his character. I hoped it wouldn't come to that, but it has. I have already started to withdraw from it. I haven't written in days, but I've invested so much time in it, it really is a bummer. I feel like he was sent back into my life to test me or something. I may just replace him with some fictional or famous person. Believe me, I've learned my lesson about using everyday people. There will be no more of that. Don't need to summon any ex boyfriends. lol

I do enjoy the banter because it's fuel for the fantasy, so of course I'd love for it continue on the surface. And that would be fine if I wasnt married, but I am, so in my heart of hearts I know it needs to and has to end. I just have to find the best way to do it.

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The role that YOU play in HIS mind... and have for most of a lifetime (albeit passively, and way near the back of his mind)...  is STILL ready to explode like dynomite.

 

He gets home from college on a weekend break... and little sister has this new, feminine/curvy/eye-catching  friend over...  and the relatively relaxed-and-sure-of-himself vibe he exuded (combined with YOUR perception that he was "safe")...   had you... uh... feeling your own reactions  to him each and every time on those rare occasions you saw him at her house.  You likely asked your old friend far too many questions about her older brother, but she was used to that from all of her friends.

This guy could alway sense your attention  whenever he was near...   but you (or perhaps even SHE, the younger sister) kept his hands away from the forbidden fruit.   But there were a couple of times where you caught him peeking...   and you later walked home with a spring in your step at the very thought of a guy like that... admiring something in much-younger you.

 

(so yeah, I can sense the powder keg that could blow here)

this

 

3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

IF EVER you go and meet this guy in person... there will be a PUDDLE on your seat, regardless of whether it is in a coffee shop, your desk chair at work, or in a corporate boardroom.

 

And all of the factors that are magnified by your erotic stories...   are magnified at least as much BY his having set his sites on the hot little friend of his sister.

this

 

3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The arousal you felt when getting it from behind from your husband was nothing compared to the near-term, drug-like RUSH you would derive from hooking-up with this guy a time or two, but you need to resist that significant lure for all that is good about your life.

And damn, it must be tough to resist.

this

 

3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

You do, for NOW,  seem to have a conscience and a sense for what really IS best...    but damn...  (it would be tantalizing to live through such an encounter from either side, for a night or two)

and this is not helping to chill me out . I had to go turn down my a/c after reading all that! lol

 

3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I'm betting that he hunted you down via Facebook or some other means...   and he long knew you were a banker, and upon first discovering that, he long-ago put it in his mind that IF there were ever a need to change banks,  OR if HE were ever the one to make decisions about changing banks, he would look to see if YOU could be had (at least for banking concerns).

I think this is highly unlikely. Why would he wait till I was in my 40's? I've been there for a long time and my fb page has been up for many years indicating that. And what are the odds of him deciding to reenter my life while I just happen to be writing an erotic book about him there is no way he could have known about? This just seems a little farfetched. 

Nonetheless, since I can't work on my story right now or possibly ever again, I've  refocused my energy to pick apart this situation while trying to view it mostly from his point of view and this is what I believe most likely is happening.

His boss decided to move their accounts because the institution they were with merged with another company and she did not like the new company or the changes. She is the president so those decisions are hers to make. They did their  research, chose my company to continue their business with,  and then she came in to get the accounts started.(This is fact confirmed by her when we first met.)

I really don't think he knew it was me till our first skype call or he may have checked out my LI page to put a face with the name once he found out who their new banker was. At that point, he most likely realized it was me because I have" that girls "name and I don't look all that different. (People still recognize me from high school when i'm out and about. I've aged well and could still easily pass for 30 something. A guy I used to live across the street from growing up came in the branch late last year and he also recognized me right away. I look pretty much the same, just older.) From there, he probably expected me to own up to who i was when he started asking questions that would confirm it (what's your real last name, where did you grow up?, you remind me so much of this girl my sister used to hang with)  That's when my guard went up and I wouldn't give him the answers he expected. It  made him think I was a bit of a tease and set him on a quest to find the truth because he is completely unaware this is all to protect my future pullitzer prize winning novel. So then he turns to fb to see if he can find evidence that I am without a doubt that girl he wanted to bang back in the day.  Maybe he found his proof, maybe he's still not sure, but regardless he's intrigued now because i won't come clean, he still finds me attractive,  and he's taking this all the way to the bedroom if that's what it takes to get me to admit i'm her. If it turns out he's wrong, he still walks away knowing he just screwed my doppelganger and that will satisfy the tiny itch that's laid dormant for many years, the same dormant itch that was activated late last year for me when I made him a character in my book. So he amps up the compliments (you're really pretty, I love your hair, i've always been a sucker for a girl with curls, that shirt really brings out your eyes, etc. ) the charm, dogs the wife/marriage a bit, (I want to refi my house but not with my wife, you never know what can happen, i would love to be single and living in my rental property, wife calls him while we're on skype, he looks at phone "I don't want to talk to her right now") and then tries to reel me in to complete his master plan  because he's got to win this game (i want a number i can reach you on 24/7, we need to discuss the future of my business in person, how about meeting me at a restaurant). Then when I tell him i don't eat out right now, he  gets a little irritated and brings up my anniversary dinner he supposedly saw on fb through a mutual friend of his wife in an attempt to guilt me into meeting him. It doesn't work so then he basically demands that I meet him sometime in the future because getting me alone is his key to winning the game and collecting his prize. Maybe he's done this before, maybe this is a first time, but at nearly 50 he just can't resist the temptation to play all the way through, no matter the consequences, because he needs validation that he's still got what it takes. And by getting nasty with his younger sisters friend or her lookalike, he will get it. 

This is much more believable to me than him plotting for years to come back in my life and seduce me. I think the opportunity fell in his lap, his desire was reactivated, and now he's just got to scratch that itch. The difference between him and I is that I will just have to let that itch go dormant again or even find an antidote to eradicate it completely because there is no way in hell I am going to allow myself to go there with him. 

6 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

SO I vote      Tell your boss precisely why that guy and his money found you and your bank...  and then be willing to go through with business interactions ONLY... if that is what your boss continues to require...     but the exercise of having informed your boss will at least serve to keep you m-m-m-m-m-mostly in line,  AND will reduce by one entity the eventual would-be effects of various entities being ""surprised""  by anything personal  to which you agree.

Maybe the boss will consent to accompany you on business meetings...

The boss knows for the most part. I gave him a simplified version. He said he will not get involved in my interactions with clients because it can make them uncomfortable knowing he's my boss. He feels it would only make a long term banker like myself look incompetent. But he did say I could bring someone with me and pass them off as a "trainee." I'm pushing for two associates though if it comes to that. Need as many people to keep me in check as possible.  

 

6 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

You get points for honesty...    and nothing about your story deviates from this honesty.

(the way to PRY yourself away from this temptation is through carefully plotting your course...   (having somebody WITH you - SAME vehicle - at all related business meetings)... and being proactive from a logical perspective before you end up reactive to the puddle on your chair)

No, I've been brutally honest. i figure it's the only way to get the help I really need though some may think I'm a terrible person for the thoughts  I'm having. 

I will make sure me and my coworkers travel there and back together, you can be sure of that if I ever do have to go to an external business meeting. But i really hope his interest burns out before then. 

6 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

(pause)  You've replaced erotic fiction with erotic non-fiction

I know right! 

 

6 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

All of the above is very sincere... and I brand it "authentic" .

(though I resolve to never sense the sorts of people who go (pleasure) fishing as  "Barbaric" )

I can't bring myself to kill an animal for food and especially not sport. I don't condone those who do for food, but me and husband could never do it. Hunting and fishing have always been dealbreakers. If you can sit there and watch an animal die, knowing you caused it,  you're not the person for me. 

 

6 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Not only that, but you are a great example of women in general...   where it concerns the stark difference between how women regard their relationships vs. how men regard their (same) relationships.

Women are in those relationships because THEY want to be in them, and because THEY want to hold those relationships in high regard.  (so it doesn't matter that they still speak to some guy who banged them on a Tuesday in 2003)

A man in the same relationship has zero interest in being mere "friends"  with women he wouldn't rather be banging.

 

Your honesty here, about crying in the shower afterward...  fits the broad range of  normalcy...    and clearly that isn't fiction.

 

 

Very true. 

Yes, i did cry like a baby. it felt so horrible to have a thought like that pop up in my head out of nowhere when I'm supposed to be present with my husband in that moment. 

 

Thanks so much for your input SincereOnlineGuy. It's much appreciated and you've given me alot to absorb.