Past fantasy messing with my reality

[princessaurora]

7 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Would it help or hurt to write out the rest of the fantasy, the perfect imaginary version? That way perhaps you can experience it in your imagination with no real-life consequences.

Wow Ruby Slippers, I feel like you and i are kindred spirits because I've been wondering the same thing!  What if i do play the whole fantasy out on paper or in my case on my laptop? Would that give me closure and the strength I need to nip this in the bud?  Or would that make me want him even more because the dreamer in me believes there's a small chance he may just be able to live up to that fantasy? I'd love to write the whole thing out because I am really missing my outlet right now. But if I do so, I run the risk of making this whole situation more dangerous. 

[Zona]

What's more important, your family, or your novel and your fantasy?

Your thinking is pretty classic wayward I am afraid. You have every excuse in the book to keep the ego strokes coming, thinking you can control the situation and your lust for him. Guys like him know how to use the push/pull hot/cold to suck you in. 

I dated a lot in my youth, and I never met a women that couldn't shut that stuff down in a heartbeat if she wanted to. 

 

Edited October 13, 2020 by Zona

[princessaurora]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm afraid I don't get that impression, and worse, neither does the guy she's smitten with. 

He's reading her correctly: she is enjoying it, even if she doesn't say so.

It does make me uncomfortable because it feeds a fantasy that is slowly spiraling out of control. 

I enjoy it on the surface, I'll admit that, But I know long term it could get me in serious trouble. 

[princessaurora]

5 minutes ago, Zona said:

What's more important, your family, or your novel and your fantasy?

Your thinking is pretty classic wayward I am afraid. You have every excuse in the book to keep the ego strokes coming, thinking you can control the situation and your lust for him. Guys like him know how to use the push/pull hot/cold to suck you in. 

I dated a lot in my youth, and I never met a women that couldn't shut that stuff down in a heartbeat if she wanted to. 

 

I know how to shut it down. I've done it more times than I can count both before and after I was married. I'm just having a real difficult time with this guy because of what he represents in my mind. It's not his charms like he may think it is. I've dealt with hot toddies like him before. It's my hobby that he's been unknowingly feeding for the last 10 months. The temptation of being able to possibly have all the things I've imagined for nearly a year come to fruition is so hard to resist. It's like i'm under a trance and can't quite snap out of it no matter how hard I try. I only have the strength to control my actions, I have zapped the rest of it trying to control my thoughts. That is why I must regain it so I can get my shizz together. I've abandoned my writing. I'm thinking about revealing my identity, hoping that may settle this thing down to a level I can easily manage. But  confirming i'm the girl is iffy because  while  some people think that may dissolve the situation, others think it may give him the upper hand. I'm not quite sure why that is. Hopefully some of them will elaborate on that. 

My family is obviously more important. Lust will not overrule love. I will ultimately choose my husband and children no matter how this plays out. I've already said I will not put myself in a situation to be alone with this guy. I know what he would attempt if given the chance .I won't give him the satisfaction, no way jose. But we can't go on like this. It's tearing me apart emotionally because i never thought another man would tempt me. It's the reason I took a few days off of work. I needed to clear my head. figure out how to diffuse this. He could be with my company for years to come. I need to knock both our egos down several notches so we can have a normal client-banker relationship without anything more involved.  

 

[Zona]

25 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

 I need to knock both our egos down several notches so we can have a normal client-banker relationship without anything more involved.  

 

That will never happen because he doesn't want a normal client-banker relationship. He has all the time in the world to keep trying and he will, because you are not firmly shutting it down and taking steps to remove yourself from the situation. He has a wife, and based on his actions with you, he likely has or had a mistress or two already. 

I can't tell you how many times we've read here where a wayward claims that the guy she cheated with was the only guy who ever tempted her. Do you think that makes any difference to the betrayed? Nope, and it's just more wayward thinking in the end.

You need to remove yourself from the situation and go NC. Tell your boss whatever you have to, to get someone else to take care of his banking. Is kissing your bosses butt more important than your marriage and the relationship with your children? 

There is a book "Not just friends" written by Shirley Glass. Might be a good read for you. Deals a lot with maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting your marriage from low-lifes, like the guy you are dealing with.

Edited October 13, 2020 by Zona

[princessaurora]

36 minutes ago, Zona said:

You need to remove yourself from the situation and go NC. Tell your boss whatever you have to, to get someone else to take care of his banking.

We tried this already. My boss offered to transfer them to a banker at the location right by his house. His boss said no, they will only deal with me because I came highly recommended by other people who use me as their banker, so no can do. 

 

36 minutes ago, Zona said:

That will never happen because he doesn't want a normal client-banker relationship. He has all the time in the world to keep trying and he will, because you are not firmly shutting it down and taking steps to remove yourself from the situation.

If I never meet with him, I would imagine he'd eventually get tired of trying and move on. It's been 6 months already. I can't see him pursuing this for 6 more. Surely, he must have better things to do. Everyone has their breaking point. 

Edited October 13, 2020 by princessaurora
add

[princessaurora]

36 minutes ago, Zona said:

There is a book "Not just friends" written by Shirley Glass. Might be a good read for you. Deals a lot with maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting your marriage from low-lifes, like the guy you are dealing with.

Thanks, I'll check it out:)

[schlumpy]

There is a type of treatment called "Aversion Therapy."

The treatment is designed to force the patient to give up a bad habit by causing them to associate the habit with an unpleasant effect. Unpleasant effects like losing your marriage do not count as a deterrent because that is a distant future event that may or may not happen. Changing behavior demands immediate consequences.

You may have read about using a rubber band to control unwanted or obsessive thoughts. The patient will snap the rubber band against their wrist whenever these thoughts appear. Like any living being we learn very quickly when under duress.

In your case a picture of the obsession would be randomly displayed among other pictures of your family and you would be given a "Mild" electric shock when your obsession appeared. Over time you should associate his picture with the discomfort thus creating a natural reluctance to think about, speak to, or hear from him.

That could very well affect your ability to interface with him on the job or it could just allow you to be indifferent towards him. Hard to say what form your responses will reconfigure to because we are all unique at the individual level.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I didn't at first because the whole reason I  refused to reveal I was "that girl" was to protect my character and my story. I was guarding my erotic novel with my life because I love my outlet and didn't want it tainted. It didnt occur to me he would se this as game playing. Now that things have escalated to a place I never expected, I have to shift to protecting my marriage.

That's where you need to do some reflection: why was your first priority to protect your escapist outlet rather than protect your marriage?

I don't doubt that you love your husband, but you sound bored in your marriage. That's said without judgement, by the way. It's not unusual for things to go stale when you've been together this long. But I think you need to (mentally) remove the erotic writing from the equation and ask yourself what's really behind your desire to engage with this man. 

Maybe getting a bit too personal, so up to you to decide if you want to respond, but is your husband the only intimate partner you've ever had? 

[Wiseman2]

It's flattering to think you have some sort of secret admirer. Perhaps your marriage is stale, dull and in a rut.

You can start to shake things up a bit. If that fails, perhaps marriage therapy could revitalize your connection.

[Ruby Slippers]

10 hours ago, princessaurora said:

Or would that make me want him even more because the dreamer in me believes there's a small chance he may just be able to live up to that fantasy? I'd love to write the whole thing out because I am really missing my outlet right now. But if I do so, I run the risk of making this whole situation more dangerous. 

Even if he lived up to the fantasy (unlikely), the aftermath would almost certainly be a disaster.

I get the impression that you're right to step back from the fantasies. It seems to me you pulled this guy back into your vortex with all the fantasizing, and you can push him right back out by shutting it down.

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's where you need to do some reflection: why was your first priority to protect your escapist outlet rather than protect your marriage?

I don't doubt that you love your husband, but you sound bored in your marriage. That's said without judgement, by the way. It's not unusual for things to go stale when you've been together this long. But I think you need to (mentally) remove the erotic writing from the equation and ask yourself what's really behind your desire to engage with this man. 

Maybe getting a bit too personal, so up to you to decide if you want to respond, but is your husband the only intimate partner you've ever had? 

The minute I found out from his boss he would be added to the account, I went into that mode before knowing what he looked like. I honestly figured he'd look totally different from what he once did in a negative way and would kill my vision. Not to mention, I'd probably talk to him a few times and that would be it, so why let a client I only talk to on occasion taint my story? When we started skyping and I saw how good he still looked, this reinforced that decision in the complete opposite way. I knew without a doubt I had to play dumb because I didn't want to blur the lines of fantasy and reality. I figured as long as he doesn't know who I am, I can keep him out of my real life. It never occurred to me he would view this as game playing. I guess I didn't think it through. I needed my outlet and I couldn't have him messing with that. That's all I was worried about. It wasn't until the extreme flirting became a regular thing did I start to worry that this could become a problem. At first it seemed pretty innocent. A married guy compliments my looks, no biggie I've dealt with this before. I'll just say thank you like I always do and move on. But then he starts dogging his wife and making it sound like he wants out, all along using a tone that's meant to entice, like he's dangling his pending availability to me. I'm not stupid, I know all he wants is sex. He has no intentions of leaving his wife, but he'll say what he has to cause he wants to bang the game playing woman he's almost positive is his sisters former friend. I realize that now that I'm away from the office and away from writing, along with everyone:s feedback here. It has helped tremendouly in seeing things for what they most likely are. 

I tried to convince myself he was just playing around. That it's just innocent flirting he does on a regular basis because he needs the validation he's still desirable, but he's not going to act on it. It's all in good  fun. On the surface he seems like a good guy. He's handsome, well educated, intelligent, married with 2 daughters. Surely he would never cheat. He's just not that type of guy and I know I'm not that type of woman. But then he pushes it further by asking for my non-business number and asking me to meet him at a restaurant. This is when I start to think he's truly trying to take this somewhere and he's not joking. But then again, maybe he's just a really needy client. Still, I'm not meeting with him because I don't want him in my life, only in my book so I play the covid card. He immediately throws back seeing my anniversary pic at a restaurant but plays it off like he just happened to come across it. But I don't want to believe he's stalking my FB page, so I convince myself that's the truth or he just wants to figure out if it's me which I can't blame him for because I refuse to admit it and everybody loves to play detective sometimes. However, this still gives me an uneasy feeling and I begin to accept I may have got myself in over my head, but it's too late to come clean now without telling him about the book, and that is not happening. But on the other hand it feeds my fantasy because he's using his spare time to find out more about me and throwing the same looks at me he did back in the day combined with the many attempts to access me beyond bank walls. Now I realize, shiz is getting real and I could actually have this guy I've been writing about for a night or two if I wanted. This excites me for a second till my conscience kicks in and then my mind is screaming. "What the hell is wrong with you? You're married to your soulmate, you have 3 children. You shouldn't be entertaining this at all. Shame on you." This is where I can no longer deny I'm in danger and need to do everything I can to protect my marriage. So I go to my boss and ask him to give his boss a call to see if they want to move the account closer to him since he takes care of everything. (I didn't mention anything else to him at this point)  She doesn't bite because she was referred to me in the first place, so she's not changing bankers. All the while he's deadset on meeting me for a business dinner and brings it up every time we talk. So I go back to my boss and ask him if/ when it happens, will he come with me? He says no, I don't need a babysitter. I'm a long term banker. It will only make me look incompetent. I then divulge a kindergarten version of the situation and he agrees to let me bring one of my coworkers with me because she's in "training and needs to observe."  

Like I told Ruby Slippers, I really think the only desire is linked with the fantasy. Squash the fantasy, the desire is gone. 

I have no problem answering personal questions. I had intercourse with 5 guys altogether and quite frequently,  so it's not a matter of needing to experience other men. Once I met my husband at 19, I only wanted to have sex with him and it's been that way since. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Can you tell your boss this guy is flirting and crossing professional lines as grounds for reassigning him to someone else? 

If you don't, I get the feeling this guy isn't going to give up and it could go on for years, and you could definitely crack. Guys like him love nothing more than a challenge. The harder a woman is to get, the more they want her, the bigger the ego stroke it is.

There's a high school boyfriend I broke up with and never had sex with. He's a prolific musician and girls were falling all over him, still do. It seemed to really ding his ego that I didn't have sex with him and left him. I still bump into him every few years or so somehow, even once on the other side of the country. He still tries to flirt and lure me in with all this intensity. It'll never happen, so I just find it amusing. But if I were really attracted to him, I'd be a lot more vulnerable to his come-ons.

[princessaurora]

There is something else I haven't brought up because I don't want a pity party. A few of you may already know as I've mentioned it in passing before. I have interstitial cystitis. It's a bladder condition that causes excruciating pain and for several years I couldn't have intercourse at all. This was so hard for me because I am a super sexual person and my life's joy was suddenly stripped from me. My husband supported me but got very frustrated we couldn't make love for so long. He thought it was an excuse for not wanting to sleep with him anymore which angered me so much. l lashed out at him. I wouldn't even let him hug me for quite some time because I was so afraid he'd try to escalate things and it was just too painful to have sex. I completely lost my sexuality in his eyes because he believed I didn't want him anymore, but he never cheated to my knowledge (if you think he did, keep that to yourself). I worked very hard to heal my body. First by giving up all the foods that irritated my bladder which meant no chocolate, tomato sauce, citrus, alcohol, and alot more. If I don't want to flare up, I can never have those things again. I also developed PFD from locking my bladder muscles up in an attempt to avoid the pain. This is what made sex unbearable. It took about 3 years of internal physical therapy and home care to get my life back. But I still viewed sex as something that would trigger that pain again. My doc and therapist both recommended I find something that would make me feel sexual again without having sex, so I dove  into reading erotica and loved it so much. I started to feel like my  sexual self again, but felt I could write as good as them or even better. This triggered memories of how sexy I used to be and feel and I started writing stories mostly starring young me and a famous person or fictional character. I still get flares from time to time but I distract myself by writing. It's become my outlet for all the physical and mental stress in my life. Most of the time though, as long as I stick to my diet and do my home care ( dilation, relaxation), I'm ok. My husband knows I write and he knows it triggered me to return to my normal self. He loves "practicing" sex scenes with me. It makes our sex life so much better because after writing, I'm raring to go, and he never thought we'd get back to that. We both know I need my writing to keep my sexuality in check because when I get those flares without something to keep my libido active, I go into a dark asexual place and that's the last thing we want happening. It took him so long to see me as his hot sexy wife again and I don't want to lose that over this dang condition. I had to initiate a long time before he was secure enough to start things himself and now that he can't keep his hands off me again, it feels really good. 

This is why my stories are so important to me. I associate them with my healing and my sexuality. Plus, I've already given upmuch, I need a guilty pleasure. I can't drink, I can't eat chocolate, so I write. Other than sex, it's the only guilty pleasure that hasn't been stripped from me and I need it. And to a certain extent, my hubby needs it so I can be intimate with him instead of cringing when he touches me. This is why I was guarding my story like it's a treasure map. 

But I also feel like since I went without sex for so long, my sex drive is like a volcano just wanting to erupt more than it ever has before and that's where choosing my latest story to be someone who does exist was a obviously a bad idea. But how was I supposed to know that? I mean I haven't been 17 in forever, I barely knew him, but even at that young virginal age, he made my va jj tingle. So,  I was like oh yes, here's the only guy I regret not screwing back in the day, and it's going to be going to be so much fun to act it out on paper. My husband thought it was great and women will love it because most of us have at least one guy we wish we could have got with in our youth, but never did. So I started the steamy story to live out the hot passionate sexy fling I wish I would have had with my friends fudgehawt older brother. Then when I'm more than halfway done, he comes back from out of nowhere. WTF? How is this happening. Is someone trying to sabotage my book? Dude, please go away, you're not real to me anymore. 

Only he is real, and flirty, and very possibly accessible for me to have that hot passionate sex in my book. And he's looking at me like he did back then and how he does in the book giving that fantasy supreme fuel. And I just got my groove back not that long ago so I'm oozing with sexuality, and maybe have more of it than my husband can take on, so why not spread it around a little while maximizing my guilty pleasure. 

Could this possibly be what's going on? I think so which means I have to kill this particular fantasy because its coming very close to being TNT. 

 

 

 

Edited October 13, 2020 by princessaurora
Add

[spiritedaway2003]

51 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Can you tell your boss this guy is flirting and crossing professional lines as grounds for reassigning him to someone else? 

I am going to echo what Ruby suggested.   You're not the only person who can work on this account.  You can ask your boss to perhaps reassign this account to another person and you can still support the on the backend.  Your colleague could be the key point contact if you're very uncomfortable about the situation.  It could be considered harassment given all the non-business questions he's throwing at you.

I'm going to one step further and challenge you read the the OW/OM forum.  I know you don't think you'd ever be susceptible to it, but beware of that hubris. You'd be very surprised at how it often happens (in your case, I'd dare say that you've fallen prey to the attention, even as you're mildly resisting).  You're enjoying the attention and not pushing back firmly.  There is actually nothing wrong to admit that you enjoy the attention either since it IS flattering. At the same time, you have to understand that you are playing with fire whether you know it or not.  It all starts very harmlessly and when you play with fire, you can get burned.  There is a riskier factor because you had built him up in your stories too since you used him as your muse. 

Lastly I don't think there's anything wrong with writing erotic stories, if that's your interest and passion.  But keep stories separate from reality.  That's how you protect your relationship. Good luck.

Edited October 13, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

 I started writing stories mostly starring young me and a famous person or fictional character. This is why my stories are so important to me. I associate them with my healing and my sexuality.

Excellent and sounds therapeutic. Is this what this is? 

[vla1120]

On 10/11/2020 at 1:01 PM, princessaurora said:

I never get nasty because we're well trained to remain professional with our clients.

To me, this is your "out." Next time you talk to him, come clean and say that you are, in fact, the little sister of his friend from years ago, but you wanted to keep your relationship strictly professional, so you did not reveal that fact. 

[princessaurora]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent and sounds therapeutic. Is this what this is? 

No, but if you can wave a magic wand and make it so, please do. I haven't slept well in weeks. 

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, schlumpy said:

There is a type of treatment called "Aversion Therapy."

The treatment is designed to force the patient to give up a bad habit by causing them to associate the habit with an unpleasant effect. Unpleasant effects like losing your marriage do not count as a deterrent because that is a distant future event that may or may not happen. Changing behavior demands immediate consequences.

You may have read about using a rubber band to control unwanted or obsessive thoughts. The patient will snap the rubber band against their wrist whenever these thoughts appear. Like any living being we learn very quickly when under duress.

In your case a picture of the obsession would be randomly displayed among other pictures of your family and you would be given a "Mild" electric shock when your obsession appeared. Over time you should associate his picture with the discomfort thus creating a natural reluctance to think about, speak to, or hear from him.

That could very well affect your ability to interface with him on the job or it could just allow you to be indifferent towards him. Hard to say what form your responses will reconfigure to because we are all unique at the individual level.

I'm familiar with AT. I majored in psychology. But I would hope this isn't so bad I would have to go to those lengths to get a high school crush out of my head. That's pretty pathetic if it comes to that. I'd rather put my big girl panties on and deal with this like a normal functioning adult. Y'all might just have to give me a few wedgies first. 

[pepperbird2]

Just my opinion, but this guy is acting in a  way that's not really appropriate. You have every right to set boundaries and let him know what they are.

What does he do if you if he hears you being positive about your husband and your marriage? Have you made it clear, in a friendly way, that you don't find affairs to be acceptable and you plan to never be involved in one?

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

There is something else I haven't brought up because I don't want a pity party. A few of you may already know as I've mentioned it in passing before. I have interstitial cystitis. It's a bladder condition that causes excruciating pain and for several years I couldn't have intercourse at all. This was so hard for me because I am a super sexual person and my life's joy was suddenly stripped from me. My husband supported me but got very frustrated we couldn't make love for so long. He thought it was an excuse for not wanting to sleep with him anymore which angered me so much. l lashed out at him. I wouldn't even let him hug me for quite some time because I was so afraid he'd try to escalate things and it was just too painful to have sex. I completely lost my sexuality in his eyes because he believed I didn't want him anymore, but he never cheated to my knowledge (if you think he did, keep that to yourself). I worked very hard to heal my body. First by giving up all the foods that irritated my bladder which meant no chocolate, tomato sauce, citrus, alcohol, and alot more. If I don't want to flare up, I can never have those things again. I also developed PFD from locking my bladder muscles up in an attempt to avoid the pain. This is what made sex unbearable. It took about 3 years of internal physical therapy and home care to get my life back. But I still viewed sex as something that would trigger that pain again. My doc and therapist both recommended I find something that would make me feel sexual again without having sex, so I dove  into reading erotica and loved it so much. I started to feel like my  sexual self again, but felt I could write as good as them or even better. This triggered memories of how sexy I used to be and feel and I started writing stories mostly starring young me and a famous person or fictional character. I still get flares from time to time but I distract myself by writing. It's become my outlet for all the physical and mental stress in my life. Most of the time though, as long as I stick to my diet and do my home care ( dilation, relaxation), I'm ok. My husband knows I write and he knows it triggered me to return to my normal self. He loves "practicing" sex scenes with me. It makes our sex life so much better because after writing, I'm raring to go, and he never thought we'd get back to that. We both know I need my writing to keep my sexuality in check because when I get those flares without something to keep my libido active, I go into a dark asexual place and that's the last thing we want happening. It took him so long to see me as his hot sexy wife again and I don't want to lose that over this dang condition. I had to initiate a long time before he was secure enough to start things himself and now that he can't keep his hands off me again, it feels really good. 

This is why my stories are so important to me. I associate them with my healing and my sexuality. Plus, I've already given upmuch, I need a guilty pleasure. I can't drink, I can't eat chocolate, so I write. Other than sex, it's the only guilty pleasure that hasn't been stripped from me and I need it. And to a certain extent, my hubby needs it so I can be intimate with him instead of cringing when he touches me. This is why I was guarding my story like it's a treasure map. 

But I also feel like since I went without sex for so long, my sex drive is like a volcano just wanting to erupt more than it ever has before and that's where choosing my latest story to be someone who does exist was a obviously a bad idea. But how was I supposed to know that? I mean I haven't been 17 in forever, I barely knew him, but even at that young virginal age, he made my va jj tingle. So,  I was like oh yes, here's the only guy I regret not screwing back in the day, and it's going to be going to be so much fun to act it out on paper. My husband thought it was great and women will love it because most of us have at least one guy we wish we could have got with in our youth, but never did. So I started the steamy story to live out the hot passionate sexy fling I wish I would have had with my friends fudgehawt older brother. Then when I'm more than halfway done, he comes back from out of nowhere. WTF? How is this happening. Is someone trying to sabotage my book? Dude, please go away, you're not real to me anymore. 

Only he is real, and flirty, and very possibly accessible for me to have that hot passionate sex in my book. And he's looking at me like he did back then and how he does in the book giving that fantasy supreme fuel. And I just got my groove back not that long ago so I'm oozing with sexuality, and maybe have more of it than my husband can take on, so why not spread it around a little while maximizing my guilty pleasure. 

Could this possibly be what's going on? I think so which means I have to kill this particular fantasy because its coming very close to being TNT. 

 

 

 

 

 in my experience, people who work this hard to rationalize something usually have a reason. what's yours? why this guy? sure, there's other men you could have chosen, but beyond this guy being someone from your past, why does it have to be him that's the focus of your literary works?

 

Edited October 13, 2020 by pepperbird2

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Can you tell your boss this guy is flirting and crossing professional lines as grounds for reassigning him to someone else? 

If you don't, I get the feeling this guy isn't going to give up and it could go on for years, and you could definitely crack. Guys like him love nothing more than a challenge. The harder a woman is to get, the more they want her, the bigger the ego stroke it is.

There's a high school boyfriend I broke up with and never had sex with. He's a prolific musician and girls were falling all over him, still do. It seemed to really ding his ego that I didn't have sex with him and left him. I still bump into him every few years or so somehow, even once on the other side of the country. He still tries to flirt and lure me in with all this intensity. It'll never happen, so I just find it amusing. But if I were really attracted to him, I'd be a lot more vulnerable to his come-ons.

I have but he doesn't care. He knows I've dealt with forward customers before. He expects me to just handle it like I always do. I don't want to get into looks again but he basically said, you're an attractive female, you should be used to this by now. Suck it up and do your job.  I don't think he realizes the effect that this  guy has on me and I'm ashamed to tell him because he knows I adore my hubby. On top of that boss lady specifically chose me. She will not take kindly to being forced away from the banker she was referred to and when someone has half mil with you, they generally dictate who manages their accounts. I will get no help from my boss unless it involves sexual assault. 

I can't see this going on for years  I might be retiring early if that happens.

Yes, musician boyfriends are very exciting. Good you can resist his charms. But like you said it's because you're not overly attracted. I am because I've been getting it on with him on paper for almost a year. 

I just keep repeating my mantra: Destroy the fantasy and the desire goes with it. 

Then own up to who I am and game over. It's no fun for him anymore and he moves on. 

 

 

[princessaurora]

40 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

To me, this is your "out." Next time you talk to him, come clean and say that you are, in fact, the little sister of his friend from years ago, but you wanted to keep your relationship strictly professional, so you did not reveal that fact. 

This sounds like a good valid reason I would have withheld that info. 

Thanks:)

[princessaurora]

34 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Just my opinion, but this guy is acting in a  way that's not really appropriate. You have every right to set boundaries and let him know what they are.

What does he do if you if he hears you being positive about your husband and your marriage? Have you made it clear, in a friendly way, that you don't find affairs to be acceptable and you plan to never be involved in one?

He never asks about my marriage and I don't want to go into any personal discussion about it with him. I think he would probably just pick it apart if he found the teensiest nerve he could hit in an attempt to show himself as a better option. He already kind of did that when he called me out for eating  in a restaurant with hubby for our anniversary. I had tagged the restaurant on fb, which is a moderately expensive place where we felt safe going. But, he had to let me know, if he was my husband,  he would have brought me to some high end swanky place uptown. He's already dogging his wife, I don't need him belittling my husband. That just gives him leverage. 

I don't have complete privacy when I talk to him so I can't really mention the word "affair". Plus even though that's clearly where he's trying to take this, on the surface I don't know that for sure. I wouldn't be comfortable accusing him of that unless he truly crossed that line. We are confined to one side of the branch which is surrounded by plexiglass so any coworker can walk by when we're skyping and they often do. 

Looking back now, when he said "If I were your husband..... I should have said. "Well, you're not." or when we mentions how he wishes he was single, I could say. " But you're not, and neither am I." These are subtle things I could start doing to get my point across.

I'm glad I was able to step away from work for a few days and put my book down. Along with everyone's feedback, it's opening my eyes more and more. 

[princessaurora]

38 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

 

 in my experience, people who work this hard to rationalize something usually have a reason. what's yours? why this guy? sure, there's other men you could have chosen, but beyond this guy being someone from your past, why does it have to be him that's the focus of your literary works?

 

It was just for this one story. It's the first time I've diverted away from using a celebrity or completely fabricated character. I chose him because he's the only guy I would go back in time and bang if I could. I got every other guy I wanted but him.  It just never happened because I was young and virginal, but he got my libido going. He was oozing with sexual magnetism. I wanted to live that out on paper, so I did, thinking it would stay on paper. He wasn't supposed to emerge and wreck my life. 

I doubt I'll finish the story now that all this has happened and I will not use him or any other real life people again. Lesson learned.