Past fantasy messing with my reality

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

You do realise this is a real life middle aged man who is married with a family? 

This is not the character you created for your story or the romanticised young man you remember from your youth. 

I'm not sure who you think you're flirting with here. 

Yes, I do. And I'm starting more and more to think this is all my fault. So the last thing i wanna do is create a problem with his family. 

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

I think you need to also consider how healthy an outlet your erotic novel is.. I very much doubt this whole situation would have spiralled out of control like this if you didn't have such an obsessively vivid fantasy life about this man. Even if he'd flirted with you, it wouldn't have held the same unlikely-romantic-mystery that it does now. He'd just be some attractive guy you knew a million years ago. 

Psychologists say that parts of our brain don't completely separate what we imagine from what is real. That's one of the reasons they discourage indulging in worry fantasies and worst-case-scenario thinking, because it creates REAL stress where there shouldn't be any. Part of you is experiencing it and allowing it to grow to something that at least feels like a possibility. Even engaging in this thread makes the fantasy more real (as a pp posted).

Take a step back and stop indulging this fantasy.  Casually let him find out who you really are and know that it isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Converse with him as little as possible and remain professional. You're indulging in the idea that you are somehow powerless in this because he's a client and they only want to work with you. Just because you are in client relations doesn't mean that you need to engage in any personal relationship with this guy. If he gets offended somehow and goes to someone else - that's perfect! You obviously have a good enough reputation at work and crossing emotional boundaries is NOT YOUR JOB.

I agree. Like I said a few posts ago, i definitely would have noticed he still looks mighty fine, but the thought would have came and went. The fantasy world i've created with him is fueling this entire fiasco. 

I think my outlet is fine when it doesn't involve real people. My mistake was involving a real person, but like sincereonlineguy said, it was such a longshot our paths would cross again. It seemed as likely as meeting Chris Hemsworth to me, It still sends my mind reeling that this has happened. 

I do have a great reputation, but we also have deep business relationships with our customers that border on personal. It's the way we operate. But I can't operate with him like that unless I can figure out how to flip the switch. 

 

[usa1ah]

So, your job is more important then you husband and marriage. That says it all. 
 

You should give your husband a divorce so he can find someone that isn’t cheating on him. 
 

If you are doing things with your childhood crush that you would not do in front of your husband, it is emotional cheating. 
 

This entire thread is about you. You don’t say a thing about how this is going to hurt your betrayed husband. It is just you. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by usa1ah

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I can see you're already well into the fog. Well into the danger zone. You truly are talking like you're resigned that an affair is 'destined' to happen. I'm almost wondering if you post here to further the fantasy by talking about it (vicariously playing it out) before you actually act on it. do you hope some posters here will assuage your guilt by telling you it's not so bad to want to try out this guy? 

You're playing with fire. You and a bunch of others are at serious risk of getting burned in the not too distant future.

I think you are already blurring the fantasy with reality more than you're aware or willing to admit to yourself.

Here are some of the big red flags you're waving:

1. Thinking there's a special chemistry that only you and he share.

2. Thinking you're somewhat to blame for his advances. 

3. Thinking he's only dogging his wife (and everyone else) because he just can't help himself for being so attracted to you.

4. Thinking he's not actually a creep, and you are the "exception."

You definitely need to read hours of stories on the OW/OM forum. You are rushing headlong into a total trainwreck.

I know what I've written here isn't "fun," but ignore at your own peril. 

 

[princessaurora]

I wanted to answer everyone's question before I got into everything that happened today because things have really blown up, and not in a good way.

I'm going to try not to think about the second event because I was crying so hard earlier I nearly hyperventilated, so let's start with the first. 

I met up with my bestie this morning and divulged everything to her so she could truly give me her honest opinion ( we've been friends since grade school) Of course she scolded me for a good five minutes because I admitted to having strong sexual feelings towards the guy. But, she does agree he still looks real good and she gets the appeal (yes, i screenshot his pic, please don't crucify me) We broke everything down detail by detail, because she's an analyst like me. She definitely thinks he could be a Don Juan and do this alot, but she also thinks it's very possible he's a guy whose never strayed from his wife and I brought out the urge in him to consider doing so. She feels like with me being naturally flirty, paired along with the fact that I am so hot for him due to the book ( yes, she's read some of it, she knows how steamy it is) , I was definitely giving him certain looks and thinking back now on that first interaction, I think she's right. It didn't happen off the bat, but as soon as he delved into my personal life a bit and I deflected it to protect my hobby, but he most likely saw it as  "oh, she wants to play, well then let's play,". This may have triggered him to start chasing and play back a bit "mm hmm, sure it is "(about my real last name) and when he flashed that sexy smirk, I probably unintentionally mirrored his expression because he still makes me weak in the knees (due to the fantasy). She believes he knew it was me as soon as he saw me because I look pretty much the same and my name isn't super common, so what are the odds of it being anyone else?  But we still probably would have just  had the same fleeting thought " i really wish we would have hooked it up back in the day", and then went on with business.  But instead you have me,  whose got the guy in front of me (even though it was skype) I've been fantasizing about almost every day since last December and  him, whose reunited with the friend of his little sister he wanted to bang so bad in his youth, and from his perspective I'm playing a silly little guess who game, which makes me even more alluring if he finds that sort of thing tittilating,  So he joins the fun by throwing it back a bit, flashing sexy smirks amping up my libido like 1000%, and now we're both making bedroom eyes at each other like we've time travelled back to the 90's.  This is not good because I'm married, he's married, and we're both entertaining thoughts we shouldn't.

I hate to admit it, but I think she's most likely right and even though I am trying to keep the non business talk to a minimum, like salparadise said, he can still see it in my expressions that i'm clearly having trouble hiding. Because i want to shut him down, but my body does not. It wants to make like 10 babies with him. She fears if I keep it to myself and don't shut it down completely, we will most likely end up sleeping together sometime in the future. So she said I need to kill the book (which i was going to do earlier today) and tell my hubby, as much as I don't want to,  because it will put a bit of a leash on me, so to speak.

So I told hubby and it did not go well at all.

I tried to downplay it a bit and keep my feelings for the guy out of it. But when I was finished explaining everything I felt comfortable divulging, he asked me point blank.

"Do you want to have sex with this guy?"  I couldn't lie to him. I tried to tell him it's only because of the fantasy, and I had no intentions of actually doing it,  but he didn't want to hear it. He started off pretty calm but as the conversation continued things got intense fast. First he said he's not surprised because of the book and how I've been so exploratory lately with sex toys and other kinky things. But he thought I was doing all that for him. Then he started calling me some pretty demeaning names,  went off on me about how he stuck by me for over 3 years with no sex and now I'm going to sleep with some guy I still have a hard on for from high school. He admitted he wasn't comfortable with me writing a sex story about someone from my past but didn't want to say anything because he knew how important writing is to me and how I needed it to help me find myself again. He basically blamed me for everything, said I probably lured this guy back into my life just so I could live out my wet dream. He looked like he wanted to cry, but instead just continued to yell. He then asked me to leave the bedroom for a few minutes and he locked me out. I could hear sniffles through the door. I think he did cry. But he won't ever let anyone see it. I've only seen him cry twice in our 20 years and that was when our dogs passed. He didn't even cry when his mom died. He has a very tough exterior. He came out shortly after with a packed bag and he told me " I'd take the kids with me, but I don't want you having sex with this guy in" my "house." It's my house too. That kind of pissed me off.  I asked him where he was going, he wouldn't answer. I assume he went to his dad's house, but i'm too scared to call over there because I don't know if he told him anything. He won't answer his phone, but he has sent me several texts. The first one was "I logged in and deleted your story and if you don't want me deleting anymore you better change your password right now."  I'm a little mad he invaded my privacy, , but I also know he's very hurt and this is how he's dealing with it. I was going to delete it tonight anyway. I knew it needed to be done. I did change my password though. I've been writing for several years and I don't want to let it go. Then he sends me another text., "You need to either have sex with him and get it out of your system or tell him to get out of your life.  I'm not dealing with this mess for years. But you better not run off and leave me with these children, you're the only mother they'll ever know." This stabbed me like a knife because we found out a few months after the adoption their bio mother od'd and that's when it sunk in that I really am their mom. I always thought they'd get to see her again one day and I cried so hard when I was informed she died. My husband knew how much this would hurt me and he went straight for the artery. I texted him back," I would never do that , i love them too much and you and K (our oldest) . He didn't respond for about 10 minutes and then he said "then put an end to it now"   

I haven't said anything back or heard from him since that last text. I hope he's not so mad at me he went and slept with someone else. That would kill me. I'm feeling so many emotions : guilt, anger, sadness, There's no way i'm going in to work tomorrow. I won't be able to function and I've got 3 emails from Mr. Hotpants  I'm afraid to open. I forgot to put my out of office notification on so he's probably upset I haven't responded to him when he thinks i'm in the office.  Oh well. Let him get upset and move his accounts elsewhere. That's about the only fantasy i'm having right now. I can't believe how upset my husband got and I didnt even do anything. I knew he'd be affected but not to this extreme. He's always kept his head cool when he's had to bail me out of predicaments with other guys before, but I guess it's different this time because he knows I desire this guy.  I wanna resent him so bad for putting me in this predicament, but after having that come to geesus with my bff, I have to accept the possibility that this may be 95% my fault. 

 

Edited October 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, usa1ah said:

So, your job is more important then you husband and marriage. That says it all. 
 

You should give your husband a divorce so he can find someone that isn’t cheating on him. 
 

If you are doing things with your childhood crush that you would not do in front of your husband, it is emotional cheating. 
 

This entire thread is about you. You don’t say a thing about how this is going to hurt your betrayed husband. It is just you. 

I have a daughter in college and 2 small children, so yes I need my job so I can help provide for them. 

There is no emotion here, it is pure lust. 

I said several times I love my husband and family and would never do anything to hurt them. My husband will not be betrayed because I am not giving in to  these impulses. I'm just admitting they exist. I would have already accepted his invitation to meet if I was going to give in. I've done everything I can to keep him away, while still doing the job i'm paid for. I figured he'd give up by now, so I'm just trying to get to the root of where he's getting his drive so I can flip the switch. 

[basil67]

Your whole world is falling in you're still referring to the other guy as Mr Hotpants 😳

 

 

 

 

[Amethyst68]

Why am I beginning to think this is all a creative writing exercise?  Some way to get ideas for what happens next in your plot...

[princessaurora]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your whole world is falling in you're still referring to the other guy as Mr Hotpants 😳

 

 

 

 

I don't know what else to call him. Any ideas?

[princessaurora]

5 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why am I beginning to think this is all a creative writing exercise?  Some way to get ideas for what happens next in your plot...

I don't think people want to read stories about middle aged adults having affairs. That's pretty boring. But hypothetically, it wouldn't do me any good to collect ideas for a book my husband deleted earlier tonight.

Ps: Just an fyi, my book was about me and him in high school and college, not as people old enough to be grandparents. 

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why am I beginning to think this is all a creative writing exercise?  Some way to get ideas for what happens next in your plot...

Bingo. 

I started wondering that a couple pages back. The descriptions of the story and characters just sound a little too fantasy-based and twee, with OP fancying herself as an alluring temptress who just can't be resisted. 

Not buying it, so I'll bow out here. 

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I don't know what else to call him. Any ideas?

You're wanting to write a book but can't think of any alternatives to Mr Hotpants?    How about "The guy from work"  "Ex-crush"  "The other guy"   

Anyway, I think you have missed the point of my comment: You've supposedly had an epiphany about your behaviour - your marriage is under threat - but are using words which show that nothing has changed.

 

Edited October 15, 2020 by basil67
typo

[princessaurora]

Uhh, my eyes are burning from crying so much tonight. I'm going crazy wondering where my husband is and who he's with and I feel like i'm going to throw up. This is making me so sick. Maybe I shouldn't have admitted to the fact that I wanted to sleep with this guy, but when he looked at me for the truth, I had to give it to him. I just hope it doesn't prove to be a fatal mistake. My friend said telling him would put a leash on me, but it's more of a shock collar, because anytime I think of him, those harsh words my husband used flood my brain. I'm going to open his emails and then I'm penning one to him to end this. I have no choice. I can't let this ridiculous fantasy tear my family apart. Even though my husband said sleep with him or tell him to get out my life, I know the second one is the only option. 

[princessaurora]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Bingo. 

I started wondering that a couple pages back. The descriptions of the story and characters just sound a little too fantasy-based and twee, with OP fancying herself as an alluring temptress who just can't be resisted. 

Not buying it, so I'll bow out here. 

I don't think I'm an alluring temptress. I just think the dynamic of this situation has fueled both sides  At first, I thought he was just joking around and it was harmless flirting. I was mainly worried about the way I was reacting to him, but ya'll were adamant he was definitely interested in starting an affair  So by listening to nearly 100 opinions my perspective has waxed and waned.  And you're right, the way i'm writing is a similar style to my book because I can't write my book anymore and I was practically addicted to it because I worked on it everyday since last December. I gave it up because ya'll egged me on to do it. Now it's totally gone .So all the time i'd normally be writing erotica, I've been here instead. I wake up in the morning and work on my book before I go to work, at lunchtime, and after the kids go to bed. Now I can't do that and I can't read other erotica because it only makes me visualize myself with him. It's that bad, I'm afraid. That's why i came here for help. I have given so many other members advice and feedback, and I expected the same from ya'll.  I tried to retrieve my book because I was so upset but my husband deleted it from everywhere I could have pulled it back. I guess if I would have done it myself I wouldn't feel as powerless about it,  but it's difficult to see 11 months of work erased from your life in a split second even though it was obviously unhealthy.  I know this all seems crazy and fantasy like. It does to everyone, including me. I really feel like i'm being pranked, but i've never published anything so there's  no way he could have known about the book. My coworkers say it's like i'm living in an R rated version of Goosebumps.I have to agree. But I need to find a way to suck the monster back into the book and lose the key. 

And please don't think i'm trying to belittle any advice you or anyone else here gave me, because I do appreciate it, but it's definitely an overload of information to absorb and it has my perspective flailing all over the place.  

[princessaurora]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're wanting to write a book but can't think of any alternatives to Mr Hotpants?    How about "The guy from work"  "Ex-crush"  "The other guy"   

Anyway, I think you have missed the point of my comment: You've supposedly had an epiphany about your behaviour - your marriage is under threat - but are using words which show that nothing has changed.

 

My bestie called him that this morning when she was trying to cheer me up. It just kind of stuck. He's going to be Mr. History  later on today hopefully because I don't think he's going to be too happy when he reads my reply to his email. 

[elaine567]

You apparently  assume your husband will come around and all will be hunky dory again, but it seems to me men in general do not tolerate disloyalty in wives well and this episode may indeed be the death knell for your marriage.  

Working women often have to navigate through many flirty and amorous men. Some are just flirty and amorous, some have other agendas, some may want to damage your reputation some may want to take your job, some are looking to gain some advantage...
You made very heavy weather of this and now your marriage and maybe even your job is on the line (depending on how you worded this email.)
All because you were incapable of handling this guy professionally.
As a professional woman, you need to be above this and learn to manage your emotions, else you are very vulnerable to any good looking guy who crosses your path.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I don't know what else to call him. Any ideas?

How about:

a**h***, womanizer, loser, punk...should I go on?

Your husband's reaction should tell you everything. 

Edit: you say you're upset about losing 11 months worth of work. Let's reframe that...try 20 years worth of work, your marriage and family. 

You need to find your husband pronto and focus on his needs right now without reservation if you hope to not throw away your marriage. 

Probably call out sick from work for a couple days and focus on your husband. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[spiritedaway2003]

Take a deep breath.

I don't know why everyone is throwing you under the bus, when you are taking steps to shore up your boundaries (even if it's a little late).  We all don't always have the gift of foresight to see just how things can things change quickly.  Even now, everyone reading here is just taking information after the fact. Take, for example, your interaction with your husband....how you hoped for some understanding (obviously difficult for the spouse) but instead you got the reaction you did and then he moved out.

Kudos to you for telling him. It's the advice that some have been giving you and maybe the first step to help buffer from temptations.  And so much for the "tell your spouse the truth" crowd...there are consequences either way.

Your husband's reaction is not off the park -- he's hurt (understandably).   Perhaps with a little bit of time, he will see that you came to him to open up a dialogue to a difficult conversation.  Marriages that lack communication are doomed to fail, so here's your real test.  Now is the time to triple your effort on  your communication with your spouse.  Communicate.  Gently explain to him that you love him and you chose him (which it seems like you've made your choice), but you might need help.  You're a team.  You need his help.  But you need to think about what concrete steps you need to take to separate yourself from this guy at work.

Don't let unnecessary fears overrule your thoughts right now.  If you think your husband is going to sleep with someone else because of this, then you have much bigger issues in the marriage that you're willing to admit.  He wants you to make a choice (choose the work guy and have sex with him -- which was obviously said out of hurt) or choose him.  If you choose your husband, then work together to figure out way to to cut all contact with this work guy (even a transfer or a leaving of job).  It's no small change and certainly a hit on finances, but the question becomes, "Is the job more important or the marriage"?

I wouldn't rule out marriage counseling to calmly talk things out.  It sounds like he has some resentments over the years of lack of sex too, so that's also in play.  Tackle one problem at a time. 

[princessaurora]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You apparently  assume your husband will come around and all will be hunky dory again, but it seems to me men in general do not tolerate disloyalty in wives well and this episode may indeed be the death knell for your marriage. 

I wasn't disloyal though. Many here are treating me like I actually slept with this guy. I didn't and was never planning on putting myself in that situation. I mainly came to you guys because  I needed to deal with his persistence so he wouldn't effect my outlet which keeps me the sexual being I need to be for myself and my husband. I never thought this could create a rift in my marriage because we're not physically in each other's company, and I was bending over backwards to keep it that way. It wasn't because I was afraid he would take interest, I'm not an egomaniac. I figured he was just secure in his marriage as I am. I've encountered plenty of attractive men at my job and I notice when something nice to look at is in front of me, but it's never been anything more, because my husband checks off all my boxes.  I just didn't want to know anything about him because it would kill the fantasy and throw my book off balance, and my books feed the sex life I'm trying to keep going with my husband, because I do want to make up for all those years I wouldn't even let him touch me. But when this guy  got a little flirty all those feelings  of making this fantasy a reality started pouring in my head and I think subconsciously I reacted in a way that triggered him, making this a total different monster. 

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You made very heavy weather of this and now your marriage and maybe even your job is on the line (depending on how you worded this email.)

I don't expect him to forget about this anytime soon, but I am confident we can work through it, especially because I did what he asked me to do without hesitation. I ended it. I actually spoke to my therapist a bit ago and we are going to have a one time" couples session "  If it's discovered we need more than that, she's going to refer us to someone else. 

 

I don't think my job will be affected by this. I didn't say anything inappropriate in my email, but I said enough for him to understand this isn't going any further. He made it pretty easy with the comments he made in one of his emails. I know how to read between the lines and he was banking on that. I knew exactly what I had to say back, without  a doubt. . If somehow this situation does end up in HR, I  have documentation of his emails and all the discussions I've had with my manager to try and dissolve this mess, so they can see I had no choice but to  be blunt with this guy who was clearly crossing boundaries. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to do it if my husband wouldn't have given me a reality check and I wasn't sleep deprived and starting to resent this guy for wrecking my life, but I can't discount the fact I may have been on the road to wrecking his too. So I was polite just in case he didn't intentionally spiral into this but if he's as smart as he seems, he'll clearly know I am 100% done with this.

 

 

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, princessaurora said:

how he stuck by me for over 3 years with no sex

What is the story there?

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What is the story there?

She had a medical condition.

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You need to find your husband pronto and focus on his needs right now without reservation if you hope to not throw away your marriage. 

Probably call out sick from work for a couple days and focus on your husband. 

He went in to the office. I called his dad's house this morning because I had to know, and he did confirm he slept there. I don't think he told him any specifics. He asked me if it was something to do with the kids, and I said, sort of, and we left it at that. I can imagine if he told his dad the truth he would have had some choice words for me,  because he's an Irishman, and they don't hold their tongue. I called in today and told  my boss I probably won't be back in the office till Monday. He asked me if I thought it might be covid (a routine question we get right now) and I told him, no I just need a little more time off because I'm really stressed. He didn't push for anymore info. He just said, ok, take care of yourself. 

I screenshot the email to my husband so he knows I did take care of it. He responded "thank you" and I'm not quite sure what he meant by that, but I'm not going to push it because I know he's trying to work. A small part of me thinks he may be alluding to the proof he needs for his divorce lawyer, but I don't want to entertain that thought too much because i'm already on the verge of a breakdown. I did ask him if he was coming home today, and he said "probably," He's being very short with me, but I guess I should at least be thankful he's responding at all.  I am so crushed right now. I never thought we'd be in this place and I simply don't know what to do. He won't let me plead my case and I wanna stress to him he is the only one I love and want. Maybe I should write him a letter and put everything I think he needs to hear in it. Then i'll give it to him and he can open it when he's ready.  I also don't know what do about my oldest daughter. She's in school and practically lives with her boyfriend so fortunately she wasn't around yesterday, but if we can't resolve this friction soon, she's bound to notice  something is wrong. She admires how strong we are of a couple, and I don't want that image shattered because it would devastate her.  

[Ruby Slippers]

I was also thinking it's a bad deal for your husband that he stuck by you through all your medical issues and no sex life only to be rewarded with you gallivanting off in your fantasies - and right on the brink of reality - with some other guy.

This thread reminds me of that Bible verse that says any man who looks lustfully at another woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart. You've done everything but go through with the adultery in reality - written, dreamed, looked, flirted, fantasized about him while having sex with your husband.

It's good you came clean about all this. I maintain that you need to get this guy handed off to someone else at work, as you obviously lack the proper boundaries in your thinking to stamp this out completely.

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

I wasn't disloyal though. Many here are treating me like I actually slept with this guy. I didn't and was never planning...

From the perspective of your husband’s feelings, with him knowing how enmeshed you are in this erotic fantasy world, there’s barely a nickel’s worth of difference between that and the actuality. I don’t understand how you could’ve been so damn clueless to confess to the full extent if this... that you’re seriously wet for the guy in the fantasy. Ugh. This fantasy sh*t only works for a man when he’s the object. 
Im getting the feeling that something is askew with this narrative... “telling him would put me on a leash.” As if it’s all about you and his feelings don’t count for squat. And even afterward you’re concerned about getting him back but how he feels is secondary or less. 
I truly hope this has a happy ending... for your husband. 

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I don't know why everyone is throwing you under the bus, when you are taking steps to shore up your boundaries (even if it's a little late).  We all don't always have the gift of foresight to see just how things can things change quickly.  Even now, everyone reading here is just taking information after the fact. Take, for example, your interaction with your husband....how you hoped for some understanding (obviously difficult for the spouse) but instead you got the reaction you did and then he moved out.

I do feel like some posters are being a little too harsh. They act as if I had sex with this guy and am madly in love and about to run off with him  when I haven't even shared the same physical space with him in over 25 years. His reaction was definitely way more than I ever expected since he's not typically a jealous man. I never thought he'd start calling me degrading names just for sharing my thoughts with him. My hope was that he'd express just enough concern to keep me in check and give me the push I needed to shut it down. 

 

3 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Kudos to you for telling him. It's the advice that some have been giving you and maybe the first step to help buffer from temptations.  And so much for the "tell your spouse the truth" crowd...there are consequences either way.

Thanks, but  look where it got me. If he wouldn't have asked me if I wanted to have sex with the guy, I never would have admitted to that. Maybe I should have lied to spare him that agony. But I decided to take the honest route and now I have to deal with the repercussions.

 

3 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Don't let unnecessary fears overrule your thoughts right now.  If you think your husband is going to sleep with someone else because of this, then you have much bigger issues in the marriage that you're willing to admit.  He wants you to make a choice (choose the work guy and have sex with him -- which was obviously said out of hurt) or choose him.  If you choose your husband, then work together to figure out way to to cut all contact with this work guy (even a transfer or a leaving of job).  It's no small change and certainly a hit on finances, but the question becomes, "Is the job more important or the marriage"?

I wouldn't rule out marriage counseling to calmly talk things out.  It sounds like he has some resentments over the years of lack of sex too, so that's also in play.  Tackle one problem at a time

 I have always worried he'd sleep with someone else because I deprived him of sex for so long. I still wonder if he ever had any slip ups during that period and if he did, I could forgive   him because I was horrible to him during those times and he still stuck by me. Realistically, that is a very long time for a man with a high sex drive like his to go without and i watched him slowly lose his confidence and sink into a pit of self doubt. That is why I did what I needed to do to get better. I wanted that intimacy back. I wasn't  going  to let my condition take the best parts of my life away. We couldn't go on like that. I know he  eventually would have left or been unfaithful. I didn't want to lose the only man I could ever see spending my life with so I took action to get our life back on track. Along with that came so much sexual intensity it directly caused the situation I'm currently in. So what was supposed to do nothing but help me ended coming back to bite me in the butt. So yeah, I definitely think there's some resentment on his part and when he laid a guilt trip on me last night about his 3 year dry spell and walked out the door , my mind went there and I thought, 'he may finally go bang someone else because of what I just told him."   So if  it's uncovered in our couples session that I hope he agrees to attend,  that we do indeed need more long term help, I won't be the least bit surprised. I don't think he'll fight me on it. He's a very devoted father to our little ones. We were almost empty nesters and then decided to foster because it was such an amazing thing to do, but almost instantly these babies had both our heartstrings and we knew if they needed a forever home, we would gladly give it to them. After all that time, it really was like starting over as new parents but we dove headfirst into the deep end when we got that call. My daughter has so many abandonment issue because she was 3 when she came to us and had just been removed from her previous foster home. Our son was only 12 months, so he doesn't recall a thing. To him, we have always been his only mommy and daddy, But our daughter has huge attachment issues and never wants to be left alone, so I know he's not going to do anything to make her feel abandoned again. I think this may be my saving grace at this moment. If it wasn't for them, he might be apartment hunting right now. But he won't do that to them, not after what they've been through. But I love him more than I thought I would ever be capable of loving anyone and I need to find a way to work this out for the sake of  our marriage and the stability of our family. Because for me, even if we only had our oldest daughter, I would still fight just as hard to keep this marriage together because I really believe he's my soulmate and for me, there will never be another.