Past fantasy messing with my reality

[princessaurora]

49 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I was also thinking it's a bad deal for your husband that he stuck by you through all your medical issues and no sex life only to be rewarded with you gallivanting off in your fantasies - and right on the brink of reality - with some other guy.

This thread reminds me of that Bible verse that says any man who looks lustfully at another woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart. You've done everything but go through with the adultery in reality - written, dreamed, looked, flirted, fantasized about him while having sex with your husband.

It's good you came clean about all this. I maintain that you need to get this guy handed off to someone else at work, as you obviously lack the proper boundaries in your thinking to stamp this out completely.

I know. That's part of why I felt so bad about it. How could i do that to him after how much he tolerated?  I know alot of men would have walked out the door after a couple of months, or at least asked for an open marriage. 

I am a Catholic and i'd rather not think about sins too much because every little sexual thing other than missionary is a sin in their book.  But fantasy was part of my healing process, It helped me reactivate the sexual being I once was. In order to do that, I had to delve deep into my past and return to a time in my mind  where I was sexual, but didnt have a disability. (My therapist had me do this because she said any sexual experience I associated with my condition wouldnt work) With that came the nympho I was with my /boyfriend/husband, then other boyfriends and then finally way back to the guy who activated my libido in the first place, aka my work headache. For some reason, I just kind of got stuck there, hence leading me to my current situation. 

I really hope he leaves me alone now. He does not need that much banking help. It's just excuses to talk to me. But his frustration with my lack of replies to him for the past few days got the best of him and he basically laid his cards out on the table. So I have all I need now to validate my reasons for refusing to do business with him, if he pushes this any further. He hasn't responded to my email yet. He probably doesn't know what to say and if this is the last I hear from him, it''ll be for the best. But I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he tells boss lady he wants another banker (which is my true hope) cause she is one feisty lady. 

 

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What is the story there?

I have interstitial cystis and pelvic floor dysfunction. 

[princessaurora]

44 minutes ago, salparadise said:

From the perspective of your husband’s feelings, with him knowing how enmeshed you are in this erotic fantasy world, there’s barely a nickel’s worth of difference between that and the actuality. I don’t understand how you could’ve been so damn clueless to confess to the full extent if this... that you’re seriously wet for the guy in the fantasy. Ugh. This fantasy sh*t only works for a man when he’s the object. 
Im getting the feeling that something is askew with this narrative... “telling him would put me on a leash.” As if it’s all about you and his feelings don’t count for squat. And even afterward you’re concerned about getting him back but how he feels is secondary or less. 
I truly hope this has a happy ending... for your husband. 

What I meant by that I was hoping it would keep me grounded. I've very passive and he has always been my protector when i'm being sexually harrassed or other similar situations, so my thought was maybe he could help me see the light because I truly feel like I've lost myself in all this and hoped he could pull me back. But i still was more against not telling him because I didn't want to hurt him and thought maybe even without disclosing my feelings, he could still achieve that. The combination of people's opinions here, plus my bestie thinking it was  necessary, plus the look in his eyes when he asked me for the truth led me to admit it. But I didn't elaborate, I simply answered yes. Then when he started to get upset I tried to tell him it wasn't really him I wanted, it was the fantasy, but he cut me off and went off on a tangent about everything else. So of course I care about his feelings. I would have given into the impulse months ago if I didn't. It's my love for him that kept me going to the ends of the earth to keep this guy as far away from me as possible. 

I thought I was doing all the right things.  But I see now that I couldn't have been more wrong. 

 

[mark clemson]

On 10/12/2020 at 8:54 AM, mark clemson said:

... you may soon find out the types of choices you are refusing to make now seem laughably trivial compared to what you face. For example, unless your husband is basically a pushover, you may have to choose between changing jobs or quitting entirely vs. the prospect of divorce. You might not have a choice at all.

At that point, you will WISH you could go back in time and make the "easy" choices you had right now of figuring out how to put up some barriers to this. But, of course, by then it's too late.

 Well that didn't take long, although I was writing with a PA scenario in mind.

 

52 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

Thanks, but  look where it got me. If he wouldn't have asked me if I wanted to have sex with the guy, I never would have admitted to that. Maybe I should have lied to spare him that agony. But I decided to take the honest route and now I have to deal with the repercussions.

Yup. You certainly aren't the first to risk blowing up your family over something you could have shut down AND kept under wraps in the first place. And you won't be the last. This was an EA and not one that the conscious, reasonable "part" of you even actually wanted - you shouldn't have lied about specifics to spare him agony IMO, you should have shut it down and simply said nothing at all TO ANYONE except possibly a therapist for your entire family's sake.

Hopefully your husband will see reason. I'd say it's about a 50/50 chance you will divorce over this. One big issue will be that "fun" sex, which he was probably really enjoying, will now be very difficult for him due to the emotions it triggers. No doubt that's not the only factor, but I suspect it's a big one here. Hopefully I'm wrong. The fact that it never went physical and was essentially dropped on you via circumstance will probably help a bit.

I will point out that, just as you are an adult and responsible for your choices here, so is your husband. IF he truly "must" divorce over this, which was essentially just yearning, my thought would be to NOT take what would IMO be a moronic action and be "nice" to him in a divorce. Instead, be fair to both him and you and to the kids. You would be a middle aged divorced woman with kids in tow and medical conditions that affect your sex life. IMO you are NOT likely to have an easy time in the dating pool, pretty or no. So, I think you need to take care of yourself and the kids first. There may not be a "do over" option here. Hopefully it will not come to that, but this presumably will take a while to go through.

[princessaurora]

11 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 Well that didn't take long, although I was writing with a PA scenario in mind.

 

Yup. You certainly aren't the first to risk blowing up your family over something you could have shut down AND kept under wraps in the first place. And you won't be the last. This was an EA and not one that the conscious, reasonable "part" of you even actually wanted - you shouldn't have lied about specifics to spare him agony IMO, you should have shut it down and simply said nothing at all TO ANYONE except possibly a therapist for your entire family's sake.

Hopefully your husband will see reason. I'd say it's about a 50/50 chance you will divorce over this. One big issue will be that "fun" sex, which he was probably really enjoying, will now be very difficult for him due to the emotions it triggers. No doubt that's not the only factor, but I suspect it's a big one here. Hopefully I'm wrong. The fact that it never went physical and was essentially dropped on you via circumstance will probably help a bit.

I will point out that, just as you are an adult and responsible for your choices here, so is your husband. IF he truly "must" divorce over this, which was essentially just yearning, my thought would be to NOT take what would IMO be a moronic action and be "nice" to him in a divorce. Instead, be fair to both him and you and to the kids. You would be a middle aged divorced woman with kids in tow and medical conditions that affect your sex life. IMO you are NOT likely to have an easy time in the dating pool, pretty or no. So, I think you need to take care of yourself and the kids first. There may not be a "do over" option here. Hopefully it will not come to that, but this presumably will take a while to go through.

I don't even want to fathom getting a divorce over this. And I don't care about the dating pool. I found my person. I can't ever see having a connection like that with another man as long as I live. If he divorces me, I'll just take care of my children and be the best mother I can to them. I don't want another man. It's him or noone.  I've felt that way since the day we met, It was truly love at first sight which I've mentioned on these boards so many times. So you, as a man, please tell me , what can I do right now to increase the chances of moving past this with minimal damage because I can't  bear to lose my soulmate over a thought that never even became an action?  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

16 hours ago, usa1ah said:

So, your job is more important then you husband and marriage. That says it all. 
 

You should give your husband a divorce so he can find someone that isn’t cheating on him. 
 

If you are doing things with your childhood crush that you would not do in front of your husband, it is emotional cheating. 
 

This entire thread is about you. You don’t say a thing about how this is going to hurt your betrayed husband. It is just you. 

 

LOL - where on earth are you getting this??

 

This doesn't even qualify as a "childhood crush".

 

(*If you don't have an actual crush on someone during childhood, you cannot arrive well past age 40 and create one just for (2020) theatrics)

 

And how in the world is she "doing things" with someone who isn't even sure he can identify her, and who she hasn't met in 25 years?

[mark clemson]

3 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

So you, as a man, please tell me , what can I do right now to increase the chances of moving past this with minimal damage because I can't  bear to lose my soulmate over a thought that never even became an action?  

Judging from what has transpired to this point, I think you have taken the right steps in "managing the explosion" so far.  (With the caveat that telling him at all was a significant misstep IMO.)

I'm not a BS, so it's not easy for me to give you many specifics. BS's may be able to give you better pointers on that. You may also read up on "things a wayward spouse should know" or similar internet searches. Take anything from a BS or the internet that doesn't ring true for you with a BIG grain of salt. For example while many of them give DO give quite solid advice, they tend to be the one's pushing the "tell no matter what the risks are" view. Some of them (certainly not all) come from a place of severe  emotional damage and will give bad advice just to be vindictive, so just bear that in mind.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

12 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I wanted to answer everyone's question before I got into everything that happened today because things have really blown up, and not in a good way.

I'm going to try not to think about the second event because I was crying so hard earlier I nearly hyperventilated, so let's start with the first. 

I met up with my bestie this morning and divulged everything to her so she could truly give me her honest opinion ( we've been friends since grade school) Of course she scolded me for a good five minutes because I admitted to having strong sexual feelings towards the guy. But, she does agree he still looks real good and she gets the appeal (yes, i screenshot his pic, please don't crucify me) We broke everything down detail by detail, because she's an analyst like me. She definitely thinks he could be a Don Juan and do this alot, but she also thinks it's very possible he's a guy whose never strayed from his wife and I brought out the urge in him to consider doing so. She feels like with me being naturally flirty, paired along with the fact that I am so hot for him due to the book ( yes, she's read some of it, she knows how steamy it is) , I was definitely giving him certain looks and thinking back now on that first interaction, I think she's right. It didn't happen off the bat, but as soon as he delved into my personal life a bit and I deflected it to protect my hobby, but he most likely saw it as  "oh, she wants to play, well then let's play,". This may have triggered him to start chasing and play back a bit "mm hmm, sure it is "(about my real last name) and when he flashed that sexy smirk, I probably unintentionally mirrored his expression because he still makes me weak in the knees (due to the fantasy). She believes he knew it was me as soon as he saw me because I look pretty much the same and my name isn't super common, so what are the odds of it being anyone else?  But we still probably would have just  had the same fleeting thought " i really wish we would have hooked it up back in the day", and then went on with business.  But instead you have me,  whose got the guy in front of me (even though it was skype) I've been fantasizing about almost every day since last December and  him, whose reunited with the friend of his little sister he wanted to bang so bad in his youth, and from his perspective I'm playing a silly little guess who game, which makes me even more alluring if he finds that sort of thing tittilating,  So he joins the fun by throwing it back a bit, flashing sexy smirks amping up my libido like 1000%, and now we're both making bedroom eyes at each other like we've time travelled back to the 90's.  This is not good because I'm married, he's married, and we're both entertaining thoughts we shouldn't.

I hate to admit it, but I think she's most likely right and even though I am trying to keep the non business talk to a minimum, like salparadise said, he can still see it in my expressions that i'm clearly having trouble hiding. Because i want to shut him down, but my body does not. It wants to make like 10 babies with him. She fears if I keep it to myself and don't shut it down completely, we will most likely end up sleeping together sometime in the future. So she said I need to kill the book (which i was going to do earlier today) and tell my hubby, as much as I don't want to,  because it will put a bit of a leash on me, so to speak.

So I told hubby and it did not go well at all.

I tried to downplay it a bit and keep my feelings for the guy out of it. But when I was finished explaining everything I felt comfortable divulging, he asked me point blank.

"Do you want to have sex with this guy?"  I couldn't lie to him. I tried to tell him it's only because of the fantasy, and I had no intentions of actually doing it,  but he didn't want to hear it. He started off pretty calm but as the conversation continued things got intense fast. First he said he's not surprised because of the book and how I've been so exploratory lately with sex toys and other kinky things. But he thought I was doing all that for him. Then he started calling me some pretty demeaning names,  went off on me about how he stuck by me for over 3 years with no sex and now I'm going to sleep with some guy I still have a hard on for from high school. He admitted he wasn't comfortable with me writing a sex story about someone from my past but didn't want to say anything because he knew how important writing is to me and how I needed it to help me find myself again. He basically blamed me for everything, said I probably lured this guy back into my life just so I could live out my wet dream. He looked like he wanted to cry, but instead just continued to yell. He then asked me to leave the bedroom for a few minutes and he locked me out. I could hear sniffles through the door. I think he did cry. But he won't ever let anyone see it. I've only seen him cry twice in our 20 years and that was when our dogs passed. He didn't even cry when his mom died. He has a very tough exterior. He came out shortly after with a packed bag and he told me " I'd take the kids with me, but I don't want you having sex with this guy in" my "house." It's my house too. That kind of pissed me off.  I asked him where he was going, he wouldn't answer. I assume he went to his dad's house, but i'm too scared to call over there because I don't know if he told him anything. He won't answer his phone, but he has sent me several texts. The first one was "I logged in and deleted your story and if you don't want me deleting anymore you better change your password right now."  I'm a little mad he invaded my privacy, , but I also know he's very hurt and this is how he's dealing with it. I was going to delete it tonight anyway. I knew it needed to be done. I did change my password though. I've been writing for several years and I don't want to let it go. Then he sends me another text., "You need to either have sex with him and get it out of your system or tell him to get out of your life.  I'm not dealing with this mess for years. But you better not run off and leave me with these children, you're the only mother they'll ever know." This stabbed me like a knife because we found out a few months after the adoption their bio mother od'd and that's when it sunk in that I really am their mom. I always thought they'd get to see her again one day and I cried so hard when I was informed she died. My husband knew how much this would hurt me and he went straight for the artery. I texted him back," I would never do that , i love them too much and you and K (our oldest) . He didn't respond for about 10 minutes and then he said "then put an end to it now"   

I haven't said anything back or heard from him since that last text. I hope he's not so mad at me he went and slept with someone else. That would kill me. I'm feeling so many emotions : guilt, anger, sadness, There's no way i'm going in to work tomorrow. I won't be able to function and I've got 3 emails from Mr. Hotpants  I'm afraid to open. I forgot to put my out of office notification on so he's probably upset I haven't responded to him when he thinks i'm in the office.  Oh well. Let him get upset and move his accounts elsewhere. That's about the only fantasy i'm having right now. I can't believe how upset my husband got and I didnt even do anything. I knew he'd be affected but not to this extreme. He's always kept his head cool when he's had to bail me out of predicaments with other guys before, but I guess it's different this time because he knows I desire this guy.  I wanna resent him so bad for putting me in this predicament, but after having that come to geesus with my bff, I have to accept the possibility that this may be 95% my fault. 

 

Responding AS I go...  (not looking ahead to find out other details)

 

THIS IS ALL you need to BE right now...   the person whose actions indicate that HER priority really IS

 

(a)   what she has maintained here all along

(b)   one who recognizes IN ADVANCE that she is headed toward a bad place, AND who determines what is MOST important TO her, and who then figures out what to do to maintain that priority  (the difficult challenges are never satisfied with simple  solutions).

 

We can all determine the odds of winning a lottery drawing (with some precision), but nobody can REALLY  know the odds of getting cancer, or getting Covid, or many of the other misfortunes which happen to people every day.

This described chain of events was never begun with malice in any way, but for it to get here, required a lottery-like  improbability,  which changed the game once it arose.

 

You've done a good job of reacting TO the lottery-like improbability.

Somebody with something immoral to hide among her thoughts, simply wasn't telling such a story to her husband.

 

(** But if the husband were analytical, and not personally involved, it would go better)

 

(still reading to catch-up)

 

 

[SharpMind]

11 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why am I beginning to think this is all a creative writing exercise?  Some way to get ideas for what happens next in your plot...

LOL

[FMW]

I think your husband has been very understanding and supportive through the years of your physical issues and your writing about other men, whether or not they were from before you met or not.  It seems like you got too complacent with his understanding.

If you've been attractive and desired since you were a teenager, you very well know how to handle your interactions with men to keep things under control in a professional and cordial manner.  And having a high libido is also not an excuse for guarding your fantasies at all costs.  Indulging your ego and can be detrimental to both your professional and home life - as you are now experiencing.

Maybe finish your story on this particular guy with a cold splash of icewater - end it without any romanticism or sexual longing.  Writers are creative and have a large storehouse from which to pull their characters - next time choose a leading man from that creativity, not long lost crushes that you don't want to let go of. 

Be understanding and listen to what your husband communicates.  Don't discount what he's feeling.  You told him why you did things they way you have, now let him work through his feelings about it and understand that just like some of the posters here - he isn't going to see things the same way you do. Focus on him without being defensive.  Let him tell/show you what needs to be done to move past this.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

6 hours ago, princessaurora said:

He's being very short with me, but I guess I should at least be thankful he's responding at all.  I am so crushed right now. I never thought we'd be in this place and I simply don't know what to do. He won't let me plead my case and I wanna stress to him he is the only one I love and want. Maybe I should write him a letter and put everything I think he needs to hear in it. Then i'll give it to him and he can open it when he's ready.  I also don't know what do about my oldest daughter. She's in school and practically lives with her boyfriend so fortunately she wasn't around yesterday, but if we can't resolve this friction soon, she's bound to notice  something is wrong. She admires how strong we are of a couple, and I don't want that image shattered because it would devastate her.  

Talk about  checking all of the boxes...

 

you ARE handling all of this in the best way we can sense, which continues to establish your priorities being precisely what you maintained all along.

And your instinct to write/express  during a point when life is hitting you, further suggests that you are much better off than most who don't.

That you are inclined to write/express to (your husband) additionally works in your favor.     The truly guilty ones clam-up.

Some of your husband's (shock) over this is that he doesn't know what  to compare it to.    (He can't just run to the redneck bar down the street and overhear some dude at the counter telling the bartender the same sob story ).

Though with all of the unique factors connected to your thread here, one could actually write a romance novel that would be widely revered.   

SO... I...  can imagine how (vast a character the bank customer/older-brother IS, in your husband's mind).

Keep playing your instincts... they are doing better than you can accurately 'score' right now.

Edited October 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed bold text

[SharpMind]

Well I admire your resilience and determination for seeking happiness.

Lust does many things to a person....it is truly evil and can be damaging if it's executed with the wrong person.  You have done the right thing in not moving forward with HotPants...and maybe perhaps telling your husband was not a good idea (my opinion).  The fact you have known all along you were driving down a path that you shouldn't, tells you alot about your will power of not crossing that line - be proud kid!

Now fantasying about sex with HotPants, so what...that is healthy in my opinion.  Think about the positive outcomes it has had in the bedroom with your husband....you re-invented your sex life, doesn't matter why...in the end you experienced something great with the man you loved.

Nobody is perfect and nobody has the right to judge others....we all do things for what we think is the right reason, we make mistakes, we learn from them and become stronger.  I've been in your shoes, as I've had an EA with someone for almost 12 years on/off.  But that's because my marriage was broken when my W decided in 2005 to have an affair, till this day she says it was only an EA but "surveillance" proved otherwise....and I have not shared that with her to this day...I stayed because of the kids...and as my kids are now older I'm at a cross roads of I want to take the EA of 12+ years down a path of a deep rabbit hole.

......that's me, hopefully you and your H are not in the same broken marriage which sounds like you're not so....pickup the pieces reassure your H that he's the only one, and let HotPants know "thank you but no thank you!"  If you are in a broken marriage....I'd say f*** it venture down the path and work things out with H to end your marriage....I learned that 15 years of a broken marriage has affected my kids of being together....good luck.

Edited October 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inflammatory statement.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

From the perspective of your husband’s feelings, with him knowing how enmeshed you are in this erotic fantasy world, there’s barely a nickel’s worth of difference between that and the actuality. I don’t understand how you could’ve been so damn clueless to confess to the full extent if this... that you’re seriously wet for the guy in the fantasy. Ugh. This fantasy sh*t only works for a man when he’s the object. 
 

So does that mean you're on the side of   "tell your spouse the truth"   or on the common sense side?    

(I didn't know there was a  "tell your spouse only part of the truth"   side??? )   (Is this a triangle? or an octagon? )

 

The fact that she did  fess-up SO fully further underscores that her priorities are what she's always maintained.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

fantasy was part of my healing process, It helped me reactivate the sexual being I once was. In order to do that, I had to delve deep into my past and return to a time in my mind  where I was sexual, but didnt have a disability. (My therapist had me do this because she said any sexual experience I associated with my condition wouldnt work) With that came the nympho I was with my /boyfriend/husband, then other boyfriends and then finally way back to the guy who activated my libido in the first place, aka my work headache. For some reason, I just kind of got stuck there, hence leading me to my current situation. 

 

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

 The combination of people's opinions here, plus my bestie thinking it was  necessary, plus the look in his eyes when he asked me for the truth led me to admit it. But I didn't elaborate, I simply answered yes. Then when he started to get upset I tried to tell him it wasn't really him I wanted, it was the fantasy, but he cut me off and went off on a tangent about everything else. 

I thought I was doing all the right things.  But I see now that I couldn't have been more wrong. 

 

I cannot for the life of me understand that last line!

You would have experienced   "more wrong"   (many times over, I'm guessing)   had you opted for what are potentially "most"   other evolutionary paths from the moment when you first saw his name  on those bank documents.

 

Many/most of the things you claim are your present loves and priorities would have been put in jeopardy by those many other paths from that point.

In this case, you are understandably feeling a threat to your marriage, BUT it doesn't feel like a significant break-up concern, and if it does go in that direction, it will ID your husband as being somebody whose reasoning power is lacking.

All of this near-term hurt/pain...   is to avoid  the long-term sacrifices (which would have been far more probable, on the other course).

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

This was an EA

Yeah, right...

 

this was an "EA"  between 17-year-old her  and 23-year-old him...   (even though the would-be 'proof' in all of that has been 'deleted').

 

It remains clearly-enough documented here in this thread to establish precision in that regard.

 

While she knew that the present may devolve to her f*cking  him, her conscious self has maintained all along that she didn't want to.  And there was definitely no 2020 emotional connection, let alone affair.

 

It can't have been an "EA"  between two people when one person didn't even have certainty as to who the other person was.

(lots of people f*ck  without knowing who the other person was, but an emotional affair in such a case is not possible)

[princessaurora]

4 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I thought I was doing all the right things.  But I see now that I couldn't have been more wrong. 

I was referring to the way I was trying to handle the guy at work, not the info I disclosed to my husband. I thought by refusing to meet with him, redirecting him to talk business, I would be able to dissolve the situation on my own. That is what I was wrong about. Sorry i should have made that more clear, but i'm going on almost 3 days with very little sleep. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

So you, as a man, please tell me , what can I do right now to increase the chances of moving past this with minimal damage because I can't  bear to lose my soulmate over a thought that never even became an action?  

Stop the impulse to be doing anything.

You've already done fine in establishing yourself as somebody not afraid to state her priorities, and they have proven to BE your priorities.

You've build a very logical and sensible inspiration to have evolved from, say, Dec. 1, 2019 to the present...   as guided by your therapist...

You've clearly seen the train on approach down the tracks, and even though you can't recognize it from THIS precise point (where you are akin to dazed, and lying on your back in the piles of giant rocks that typically surround train tracks, perhaps having just come to )... you AVOIDED THE TRAIN (and the wreck to follow).

 

I think you should expect  that your husband will come around physically, and emotionally...    and that your own impulses will further be enough to see you through this to the other side.

 

(for heaven's sake,  you're good at going  "all-in"...    let him read this entire thread before such time as he even hints at any separation)

 

 

[SharpMind]

3 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Stop the impulse to be doing anything.

You've already done fine in establishing yourself as somebody not afraid to state her priorities, and they have proven to BE your priorities.

You've build a very logical and sensible inspiration to have evolved from, say, Dec. 1, 2019 to the present...   as guided by your therapist...

You've clearly seen the train on approach down the tracks, and even though you can't recognize it from THIS precise point (where you are akin to dazed, and lying on your back in the piles of giant rocks that typically surround train tracks, perhaps having just come to )... you AVOIDED THE TRAIN (and the wreck to follow).

 

I think you should expect  that your husband will come around physically, and emotionally...    and that your own impulses will further be enough to see you through this to the other side.

 

(for heaven's sake,  you're good at going  "all-in"...    let him read this entire thread before such time as he even hints at any separation)

 

 

If your H can not see past this and forgive you.....then he is a fool.  You came clean, you were honest to H, you had an EA, you are remorseful.  Now it's in H's hands to forgive and reconcile.  If he chooses not to reconcile and seeks divorce....then tbh honest it's not on you anymore, he was looking for the outlet to exit stage left.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

9 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I was referring to the way I was trying to handle the guy at work, not the info I disclosed to my husband. I thought by refusing to meet with him, redirecting him to talk business, I would be able to dissolve the situation on my own. That is what I was wrong about. Sorry i should have made that more clear, but i'm going on almost 3 days with very little sleep. 

I... respect, but cannot relate IN the context of (typical) Loveshack  to needing to be very tactful in the arena of a banking business.

So...  I couldn't even judge with absolute (self-perceived) authority (lol) any tactic you used to downplay the interaction in the work environment.

 

(IF you are at home stewing...   maybe read through this entire thread, and SEE what it would seem like to YOUR mind, as your husband read it)

(I'm NOT (YET!) suggesting that as a proactive move...   but it could be very appropriate as a reaction to anything more hurtful he serves up,  if for no other reason than to mitigate any character assassinations)

[mark clemson]

15 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

It can't have been an "EA"  between two people when one person didn't even have certainty as to who the other person was.

You're of course entitled to your view on the matter. In this particular case, I respectfully disagree. Certainty or not, the (electronic) contact was sustained, the desires were real.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You're of course entitled to your view on the matter. In this particular case, I respectfully disagree. Certainty or not, the (electronic) contact was sustained, the desires were real.

The "electronic contact" was WORK.

 

rofl

 

BUT, I will recognize that each "knew the other"   to and where it concerns a work  extent.

 

An EA  requires  two engaged human minds.   You cannot have an "EA"  with a telephone pole.

 

You cannot have an "EA" with your favorite baseball team.  (They don't even know you exist)  (even though your emotions rise and fall throughout summer)

 

 

Edited October 15, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[mark clemson]

13 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

An EA  requires  two engaged human minds.   You cannot have an "EA"  with a telephone pole.

Hmm. This is OT, but -

1) I'm not sure I actually agree; but regardless

2) You did have that here IMO.

I do agree that whether OP's case is better described as workplace flirting than a "true" EA (with two sides strongly emotionally involved) could be a matter of debate. However, that would entail a significant T/J. It's mostly a matter of definition (I think you would agree), and IMO at this point those details may mean little to OP's outcomes, since to her husband this was apparently pretty significant, as he's stormed out of the house, etc.

[SharpMind]

9 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. This is OT, but -

1) I'm not sure I actually agree; but regardless

2) You did have that here IMO.

I do agree that whether OP's case is better described as workplace flirting than a "true" EA (with two sides strongly emotionally involved) could be a matter of debate. However, that would entail a significant T/J. It's mostly a matter of definition (I think you would agree), and IMO at this point those details may mean little to OP's outcomes, since to her husband this was apparently pretty significant, as he's stormed out of the house, etc.

Indeed you can have a one way EA....been there for many years - me idiot!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

2 minutes ago, SharpMind said:

Indeed you can have a one way EA....been there for many years - me idiot!

Yeah, right... and I've had "a one-way Emotional Affair" with my favorite baseball team for decades...

 

(talk about  me, idiot )   (man I hope the context of that is clear)

 

 

[SharpMind]

4 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Yeah, right... and I've had "a one-way Emotional Affair" with my favorite baseball team for decades...

 

(talk about  me, idiot )   (man I hope the context of that is clear)

 

 

LOL...true