Past fantasy messing with my reality

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Just want to say that I too think it would be pointless to contact the guy's wife.

 

From (the wife's) perspective...  this is (accurately)    "(her husband's younger sister's high school friend who he has not even seen at all since 1995)"

And he isn't even SURE at this point whether she recalls him, even though he recalls her quite vividly.

 

Suddenly we'd have images of Mike Damone and Stacy Hamilton fumbling around with one another, and nothing current  (from the perspective of some wife).

 

A whole lot of the potency of this really does stem from the  then currently independent (as of 12/31/2019) imagination of the OP having been combined in potent fashion with the extreme random longshot that is this guy landing back in the periphery of her life out of the blue.

 

It wasn't a blasphemous breach of the idiotic broad range of Loveshack affair standards which apply only to others and never to oneself.

 

It was mostly just an extreme longshot  which renders less surprising the fact that soooooooooooooooooooo many well-intentioned people who win actual lottery jackpots end up going broke in the eventual aftermath.

(our OP is far from broke...   but the lottery-like surprise  {made perhaps even more surprising by Covid times?}  proved quite challenging to handle) 

 

 

[Uruktopi]

On 10/14/2020 at 2:12 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

This guy is majorly disrespecting you. Here is another idea for you...

You could grow some lady ballz 😉, and tell Fabio where he can get off.

Something like the following should be sufficient. The very next time he crosses the line, IMMEDIATELY respond in a very direct, no nonsense tone, "That comment you just made makes me feel very uncomfortable. In fact, all the comments you've made like that one have made me uncomfortable to the point it's interfering with my ability to perform my job, and not in a good way. I am a happily married woman. I can't imagine any man who would ever be more perfect for me in any way other than my husband. If at any point I indicated anything to the contrary, I apologize for confusing you. Please stop making comments to me like the one you just made. This is a business relationship. I am a professional, and I'm never going to step outside the bounds of behavior as I define a professional relationship. I hope I've made myself clear on this. If this happens again, I'm going to have to escalate the issue with both our companies and that could get very messy for everyone. Have I made myself clear to you?"

If your manager were to say anything to you about this should it get back to him, remind your manager that your manager told you to handle it and that's exactly what you did. 

And you still need to tell your husband...protect your marriage and relationship by telling him especially the stuff that you're afraid to say. Just do it in a way that is kind and sensitive to him. 

Just ....Bravo!

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 3:37 AM, princessaurora said:

There is no emotion here, it is pure lust. 

I said several times I love my husband and family and would never do anything to hurt them.

My husband will not be betrayed........

 

"There is no emotion here, it is pure lust." There is the key of it....the fictional gap....Lust IS an emotion. 

"...would never do anything to hurt them" "My husband will not be betrayed" Both, already done.

You may and probably don´t agree with my criteria for my above views on this. 

But may be your husband does.

 

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 4:04 AM, princessaurora said:

I don't know what else to call him. Any ideas?

"My husband´s enemy"  may be an alternative, not very charming but descriptive of the role you put him in.

If the above means something else than also "My enemy", you are choosing in which side you are.  The only choice you cant´t avoid.

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 4:38 AM, princessaurora said:

Even though my husband said sleep with him or tell him to get out my life, I know the second one is the only option. 

As I see it, wrong.

Those where the two serious options from the very beginning. And the only two ones.

The fictional third path, to stay in the limbo whithout a factual choice while enjoying the seduction game as "harmless" till it diffuse was the actual fantasy now proved to be inexistent,

Choose. 

That is, to actually do what you may think was always your choice but was not trully made.

Choose a man amongst the two. Or another, or no man if you preffer, but not both.

 

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 3:27 PM, princessaurora said:

 It's him or noone. 

 So you, as a man, please tell me , what can I do right now to increase the chances of moving past this with minimal damage because I can't  bear to lose my soulmate .....

....over a thought that never even became an action?  

" It's him or noone. " In my personal view, your assertion is NOW nearer to be a moderate truth than it was some time ago by when (in my personal view, again) it was not.

"...over a thought that never even became an action? " Was the view behind those words and the related assumptions what put you in the situation and risk you are ("to lose my soulmate").

 "So you, as a man, please tell me , what can I do right now to increase the chances of moving past this with minimal damage because I can't  bear to lose my soulmate"

Only if you agree I may also contribute qith some thoughts on what to do about.

 

I´ve been in the other end of the rope of a story much like yours. In a place not so different of the one of your husband now.

This story of yours shaked deep emotional memories and some scar of my own.

That´s why I reacted answering in a less than gentle way. I appologize for doing so.

But maybe for the same reasson I may share with you here what I´ve learned from such experience.

And part of it is the need to drop some patterns of ideas that are in the origin of crisis like yours (and once mine).

Together with the tentative "design" of some actions of yours that may help in your current situation. A part of it is using your writting talent to perhaps revert what same talent did in this case.

Best wishes for you and your man.   

 

 

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 2:00 PM, princessaurora said:

They act as if I had sex with this guy and am madly in love and about to run off with him  when I haven't even shared the same physical space with him in over 25 years.

His reaction was definitely way more than I ever expected since he's not typically a jealous man. I never thought he'd start calling me degrading names just for sharing my thoughts with him. My hope was that he'd express just enough concern to keep me in check and give me the push I needed to shut it down. 

 

"They act as if I had sex with this guy and am madly in love and about to run off with him..." No, they act as if what you did was already a betrayal of the sexual exclusivity with your man (taking the sexual meaning in the wide sense it haves). This do not point to other erotic literature you write but to the present case.

It doesn´t really matter if you agree or not with my view nor to the one seen in other harsh answers. Seems that your husband shares some of those thoughts.

"...just for sharing my thoughts with him." Was not for sharing your thoughts. It was because the content of those thoughts pointing to something (the situation) and someone (the other man).

That is, he don´t seem to share your viewpoint about being it harmless if not physical (just thoughts). Neither as harmless if were only personal thoughts (your now shared private mind) but what promoted the seductive play between you and your ......crush. And finaly thoughts whose content is about what (in your husband apprarent oppinion) is of the domain of what should be exclusive with him.

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 3:41 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

LOL - where on earth are you getting this??

 

This doesn't even qualify as a "childhood crush".

 

(*If you don't have an actual crush on someone during childhood, you cannot arrive well past age 40 and create one just for (2020) theatrics)

And how in the world is she "doing things" with someone who isn't even sure he can identify her, and who she hasn't met in 25 years?

To princessaurora

The above "school of thought" (to call it some way) is THE ONE that led you to the point you are now.

In my only personal opinion is not the one of the kind of the ones that may help you to go out of the problem. And probably the opposite is true

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 3:58 PM, FMW said:

I think your husband has been very understanding and supportive through the years of your physical issues and your writing about other men, whether or not they were from before you met or not.  It seems like you got too complacent with his understanding.

If you've been attractive and desired since you were a teenager, you very well know how to handle your interactions with men to keep things under control in a professional and cordial manner.  And having a high libido is also not an excuse for guarding your fantasies at all costs.  Indulging your ego and can be detrimental to both your professional and home life - as you are now experiencing.

Maybe finish your story on this particular guy with a cold splash of icewater - end it without any romanticism or sexual longing.  Writers are creative and have a large storehouse from which to pull their characters - next time choose a leading man from that creativity, not long lost crushes that you don't want to let go of. 

Be understanding and listen to what your husband communicates.  Don't discount what he's feeling.  You told him why you did things they way you have, now let him work through his feelings about it and understand that just like some of the posters here - he isn't going to see things the same way you do. Focus on him without being defensive.  Let him tell/show you what needs to be done to move past this.  

"Maybe finish your story on this particular guy with a cold splash of icewater - end it without any romanticism or sexual longing."

Bravo!

I would suggest something even stronger in the same line of thought.

[Uruktopi]

On 10/15/2020 at 4:56 PM, mark clemson said:

You're of course entitled to your view on the matter. In this particular case, I respectfully disagree. Certainty or not, the (electronic) contact was sustained, the desires were real.

You are right.

And adding that lust is an emotion as any other one.

[Zona]

9 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I told him no matter what happens with this guy I will be completely honest with him going forward. 

Be careful how you word things. This sounds like you are keeping your options open with Mr. Hotpants. It would have been better to say, "I will immediately inform you of any kind of interaction or communication with him, no exceptions".

You may wish to remind him that you never met one on one, despite how persistent he was about doing just that. That shows that you were protecting hubby and marriage which should ease his mind a bit.

[princessaurora]

11 hours ago, Zona said:

Be careful how you word things. This sounds like you are keeping your options open with Mr. Hotpants. It would have been better to say, "I will immediately inform you of any kind of interaction or communication with him, no exceptions".

You may wish to remind him that you never met one on one, despite how persistent he was about doing just that. That shows that you were protecting hubby and marriage which should ease his mind a bit.

I worded that wrong, my apologies. 

I told my husband that if the guy contacts me in any way ( email, phone, tries to set up a Skype meeting), I will let him know right away. This is no longer my problem, it is our problem. Our main focus right now is making sure this guy has heard the message loud and clear and he will not attempt to stay in touch with me. He's an idiot if he does because his email is pretty incriminating and I can't imagine he would want anyone else seeing it. My husband is not comfortable with me even conducting business with him anymore, only his boss, and I agree.The cord needs to be cut completely, and not just frayed or he may try to repair it sometime in the future. We don't want to leave that a possibility, since this is/ was somewhat of an addiction for me and my therapist feels I could fall back into it. My husband is still not entirely convinced I didn't reach out to this guy and  somehow get him to do business with us. I told him his boss moved the accounts, but he says that's just too convenient.  So, trust has already become a problem. He is now monitoring my whereabouts which he's never done in the past to my knowledge. I went to the grocery yesterday and stopped at the drug store to find something to help me sleep better ( because of my condition I have to read every ingredient ) and I ended up staying there for longer than I expected. As soon as I walked in he pointed out I told him I was only going to get a few things at the grocery, so what was I at the drug store for over 30 minutes for? He knows I do this often ( start one place and end up at 3 others) , but now he's obviously a little paranoid ( which I can't blame him, I would be too) . I hate that he feels this way and even more that I'm the cause of it. I wish I could snap my fingers and make this all go away but I can't. There's definitely friction between us.  He's slept in my daughter's room for the past two nights, when I wrap my arms around him, he doesn't pull away but he's not reciprocating. He is obviously still very effected by this,  and who knows how long that'll go on. I haven't started writing again and I don't know when I will. It's not like he's going to wanna have sex with me right now anyway, but I certainly don't want to slip back into that place we were before. 

I have told him about how I've resisted the opportunity to physically reunite with him from the get go ( sending docs to other branch, refusing to meet him to talk business, not giving him my cell). That I never verbally responded when he dogged his wife or said he wishes he was single. I would steer him back to his accts once he finished talking and remain professional as I have with every other forward client in the past. I  put up all the boundaries I could, but still couldn't help being immersed in the idea of a fantasy turning reality, and knew I needed to get it under control. But right now, for the most part, it seems to be falling on deaf ears. I guess it's too soon, but I'll keep trying. That's all I can do right now, and hope eventually he'll forgive me. 

Thanks for your advice Zona, and I'm sorry for what you've been through. I would never want to inflict that sort of pain on anyone, especially the man I love. I see how you, mark, and a few others recognized I sounded like a WW. Looking back on my posts, along with some articles about it, I can see  the similarities of myself and a woman who is on the road to having an affair. Uhh, that words makes me cringe. I don't even want to think about it because I never in a million years thought that could be me. But now that I'm on the other side of it because I did tell my husband and finally shut it down as y'all have been screaming at me to do from my first post, I see that I was slowly peddling down that road and had I continued to try and handle it myself, there is no guarantee I would have been able to get off. 

[Zona]

Because of the circumstances, strict NC is the only way to go. You definitely had ambivalence, at least at first, which OM picked up on obviously. That manifested itself in the flirting that lead up to being propositioned.

I see so many similarities between your situation and my WW's. She was very attracted to him (former professional athlete), and thought that she could get the ego strokes and the attention without it going further. The thing is, even though she loved me before the affair started, her attitude and behavior did an about face once the affair started. She justified the affair by demonizing me, and claiming that she loved me, but was never "in love" with me. Our fighting got so bad that I had a consult with a divorce lawyer even though I didn't know about the affair at the time. You have no idea how having sex with Mr. H. would have affected your emotions and your feelings toward your husband.

I share your husbands skepticism that this was all just a huge coincidence. It's so easy for people to reconnect over social media these days, even if it starts out as just innocent or business related. If you are not being truthful about it, better to tell him now, than him finding out you lied about it. Broken trust is incredibly hard to overcome, PA or not.

Sorry about the 2x4's but I just hate to see people sleep walk into affairs. Even if you were no longer in love with your husband, getting into an affair with a married womanizer is no way to make your life better.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Zona

[princessaurora]

16 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

"My husband´s enemy"  may be an alternative, not very charming but descriptive of the role you put him in.

If the above means something else than also "My enemy", you are choosing in which side you are.  The only choice you cant´t avoid.

There was never a need to choose between them. The only choice was whether or not I was going to give in to my desires and risk  being  caught or get myself out of the situation tempting me to act on those desires. So even though it could have potentially led to the demise of my marriage, and his , I wasn't choosing between men.  I'm not in love with him. I didn't want to break up his marriage, or mine. I didn't want to ride off in the sunset with him. I have no interest in him whatsoever other than what's in his pants, to be blunt. I'm sure it was the same for him. I wanted to bang him a time or two and see if it would be as hot as it was in my book. And the only reason I wanted that was because I've been having it running through my mind for the last 11 months and the opportunity to experience that for real was soooo tempting. These were some of my thoughts, I'm sharing with you after the fact, so please keep that in mind. I've made the choice not to act on it, which I planned on doing from the beginning, but now that I finally sealed the deal ( assuming he goes the fudge away) ,  and even though things are a little rocky right now,  I still feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

[princessaurora]

15 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

" It's him or noone. " In my personal view, your assertion is NOW nearer to be a moderate truth than it was some time ago by when (in my personal view, again) it was not.

"...over a thought that never even became an action? " Was the view behind those words and the related assumptions what put you in the situation and risk you are ("to lose my soulmate").

 "So you, as a man, please tell me , what can I do right now to increase the chances of moving past this with minimal damage because I can't  bear to lose my soulmate"

Only if you agree I may also contribute qith some thoughts on what to do about.

 

I´ve been in the other end of the rope of a story much like yours. In a place not so different of the one of your husband now.

This story of yours shaked deep emotional memories and some scar of my own.

That´s why I reacted answering in a less than gentle way. I appologize for doing so.

But maybe for the same reasson I may share with you here what I´ve learned from such experience.

And part of it is the need to drop some patterns of ideas that are in the origin of crisis like yours (and once mine).

Together with the tentative "design" of some actions of yours that may help in your current situation. A part of it is using your writting talent to perhaps revert what same talent did in this case.

Best wishes for you and your man.   

 

 

I'm so sorry this triggered some bad memories for you, Uroktopi, and that your spouse betrayed you, from the bottom of my heart. My husband has only been served a teaspoon full and I can already see the devastating effect it can have on a person. Now do I think it wouldn't be quite as bad if I hadn't pushed him away for 3 yrs due to my condition?  Absolutely . He said himself, it triggered that time when he felt unwanted and undesirable. But even without that factored in,  I can imagine he'd still be pretty upset. 

I don't mean to downplay the fact that I didn't act on it makes it ok, it is absolutely not. But when you look into the distant future,  would most people break up a 20 yr marriage with young children and a spouse they truly love, simply because that spouse had thoughts of going with another and even went to their spouse about those thoughts instead of putting themself in a situation where they could potentially happen?  Yes that's a bad thing, but if you truly love your spouse, I think you'd soon regret something like that within a couple of years because you are uprooting so many lives on something that didn't actually happen. Like I said, I'm not discounting the fact what I was doing was bordering on unfaithfulness, but it could have definitely been a lot worse and I didn't allow that to happen because I love my husband and kids. They are my whole world. 

And I can't revert my story. It's gone. But it would be rather difficult to take a young unattached male pursuing a young unattached female  and make him a bad guy, unless I made him a serial killer or something. But I think getting him out of my head is the best thing for me and my family. 

Edited October 18, 2020 by princessaurora
Add

[Amethyst68]

Quote

I've made the choice not to act on it, which I planned on doing from the beginning, but now that I finally sealed the deal ( assuming he goes the fudge away) 

And if he doesn't go 'the fudge away'? Why should that make a difference? 

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, Zona said:

share your husbands skepticism that this was all just a huge coincidence. It's so easy for people to reconnect over social media these days, even if it starts out as just innocent or business related. If you are not being truthful about it, better to tell him now, than him finding out you lied about it. Broken trust is incredibly hard to overcome, PA or not.

Crazy as it sounds, I am being totally honest. I never had a desire to seek him out on social media because I figured he might be awful looking by now and didn't want my mental picture ruined. That's been the case with alot of people I went to school/ college with. It's like "wth happened to him/ her? They used to be so cute/ pretty." My writing can get disturbed by things like that. I was writing a story about a famous person a few years back and then he suddenly eloped and got married in real life.  I tried to keep writing it, but couldn't get the wife out of my head so I had to start another story. This is why I initially didn't want to see the guy.  I figured he'd ruin the vision I had of him being hot, young, and oh so sexy. I mean he's pushing 50. So when his boss wanted to have him added to the account, I jumped in right away and was like '" no, he doesn't have to come all the way here. I'll  send the paperwork over to his local office." because there was no way I was letting anyone taint the vision I had of him, especially the man himself. Of course, once it was revealed he was not the aging barely recognizable former version of himself I was expecting, and it seemed he may have recognized me,  this whole situation became a completely different animal. The only thing I haven't done and I consider this more withholding info than lying, is telling him just how bad I was wanting this guy. But I don't think that's necessary for him to know and would only make him feel worse. 

I do see why my husband as well as others think this whole thing is so statistically unlikely. The minute I saw his name on the secretary of state, I thought someone was playing a joke on me. I mean there were a few people who knew his name, maybe I was being pranked. But it would be pretty difficult to falsify state documents with an official seal and if you were that smart,  you sure as heck wouldn't be using them to mess with a girl whose writing a sex book about a former crush. I just choke this all up to this years common theme "anything can happen in 2020. ' because what else can you do? 

[Zona]

7 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

The only thing I haven't done and I consider this more withholding info than lying, is telling him just how bad I was wanting this guy. But I don't think that's necessary for him to know and would only make him feel worse. 

Yes, better to keep that to yourself.

This is a little O.T., but the fact that you didn't have sex for years but yet got all hot and bothered by Mr. H. plays into the belief that a lot of guys have about women. Women are generally attracted to different types of men for different reasons. Women are attracted to "nice guys" as long terms partners because they provide comfort and stability. Women are attracted to "bad boys" (masculine, insensitive, etc.) sexually but realize they would not be reliable partners. It's hard to find a guy that checks both boxes. Hence the dilemma. 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, princessaurora said:

. This is no longer my problem, it is our problem. Our main focus right now is making sure this guy has heard the message loud and clear and he will not attempt to stay in touch with me.

I think it is a clever ploy to recruit your husband and make it "our" problem and to level the now apparently sole blame at the "dreadful" man who dared to flirt with you.
It is a clever trick, but if your husband is smart, he will see right through it...
YOU spent the last 9 months lusting after another guy, he is not going to forget that in a hurry, no matter how you may try to spin it.
He may play his part in reconciling for your kids sake, but assume nothing as regards your relationship.

[schlumpy]

Keep in mind Elaine that he may have had or does have, a couple of carnal thoughts of his own about women he knows.

That may mitigate his anger.

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

And if he doesn't go 'the fudge away'? Why should that make a difference? 

Because I will no longer feed or contribute to his interest, so if he attempts to make any further contact with me he will only find himself in trouble with his boss and possibly his wife. I assure you, if either of them see his email, they're never going to be able to "unsee" it. 

Now that I'm on the other side of it thanks to everyone here advising me and finally deciding to tell my husband, basically giving me a very forceful  metaphorical slap across the face. I'm seeing things very differently. But in all honesty, had I still been on that other road that I so desperately tried to deny to myself as well as so many others I was driving down, that email may have been the  very thing that broke me. It was "that" direct even though he did try to throw some icing over it to make it sound a little less tacky and slightly camouflauged. His wife would have to be a complete fool to not see what he was implying, though.

I have contemplated about posting it's contents but should this end up in a legal situation, I could get in serious trouble for sharing bank information. Let's just say he suggested an alternate location for us to have dinner and conduct banking business since I'm so scared of covid ( cough cough, his currently unoccupied condo, cough cough).  Gawd, I'm starting to feel like I'm in a lifetime movie. 

So, I assume he will go " go the fudge away" unless he wants to severely eff up his life. 

[princessaurora]

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think it is a clever ploy to recruit your husband and make it "our" problem and to level the now apparently sole blame at the "dreadful" man who dared to flirt with you.
It is a clever trick, but if your husband is smart, he will see right through it...
YOU spent the last 9 months lusting after another guy, he is not going to forget that in a hurry, no matter how you may try to spin it.
He may play his part in reconciling for your kids sake, but assume nothing as regards your relationship.

I am not a vindictive person who is trying to play the victim here. He is the one who said it is our problem and we have to face it together. My therapist thinks it was teetering on addiction, since it was highly triggered by something that wasn't real. If I were bordering on becoming a drug addict or alcoholic, we would be also facing that together. I'd look to him for support, to ground me as he always has, in the past. I do not think this thing is going to be swept under the rug. I hold myself as least partly accountable for what happened with this guy. I am not trying to manipulate my hubby, but what good would it do to tell him just how much I desired this man? Do you think that's going to make him feel good? I sure wouldn't want all those details if it were me. He doesn't want anyone else to know about this, so I'm not going to give him details that will make him blow up in front our children and destroy his pride.  And yeah, his main reason for staying right now may be for the kids. But 10 yrs down the line assuming we're still together, I doubt he'll be saying " "man, I really wish I would have left my wife when she had thoughts about that other dude." He's going to remember I came to him to stop myself from acting on those thoughts because I always come to him for everything. 

[princessaurora]

56 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Keep in mind Elaine that he may have had or does have, a couple of carnal thoughts of his own about women he knows.

That may mitigate his anger.

He can think about other women all he wants if that helps him get through this. I won't fault him for it with the state he's in right now. As long as he doesn't act on it. I resisted the urge and he needs to do the same. If he were to go sleep with someone else, that would make him even worse than me. 2 wrongs don't make a right. 

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, Zona said:

Yes, better to keep that to yourself.

This is a little O.T., but the fact that you didn't have sex for years but yet got all hot and bothered by Mr. H. plays into the belief that a lot of guys have about women. Women are generally attracted to different types of men for different reasons. Women are attracted to "nice guys" as long terms partners because they provide comfort and stability. Women are attracted to "bad boys" (masculine, insensitive, etc.) sexually but realize they would not be reliable partners. It's hard to find a guy that checks both boxes. Hence the dilemma. 

He was a bad boy when I met him. I tamed him for awhile but he resorted back to that a few years into our relationship which is why we had a short break up. He spent that time banging alot of other women, while I remained loyal even though we were technically broken up. So you can see how long I've been dedicated to him. Once we got back together he proposed shortly after. So he's definitely not a "nice guy.' He just calmed down to a level that makes him a great partner and father. So being a guy who used to sleep with a ton of women before he met me and during our short break, ( most of which threw themselves at him) , I can see how hard feeling unwanted can hit home. 

[Datingdisabled]

28 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

He was a bad boy when I met him. I tamed him for awhile but he resorted back to that a few years into our relationship which is why we had a short break up. He spent that time banging alot of other women, while I remained loyal even though we were technically broken up. So you can see how long I've been dedicated to him. Once we got back together he proposed shortly after. So he's definitely not a "nice guy.' He just calmed down to a level that makes him a great partner and father. So being a guy who used to sleep with a ton of women before he met me and during our short break, ( most of which threw themselves at him) , I can see how hard feeling unwanted can hit home. 

So make the guy feel wanted