Past fantasy messing with my reality

[princessaurora]

Uhh, now I'm thinking about how bad he was at times. He was so attractive/ charismatic he could charm the pants off a lion. My own girlfriends told me they may not be able to resist him if he ever made a move. Some friends, but at least they were honest. There was one night a bad storm hit and one of my girlfriends ended up sleeping over at his place with me. We all slept in the same bed with us on either side. She got up at some point and went and slept in the other room. I asked her the next day why she left the room and she said my boyfriend tried to put the moves on her. Of course when I confronted him he didn't remember but said if he did, it was because he thought it was me since he was sound asleep. This was close to the time when we broke up for a bit and he went on a bangfest basically. I was heartbroken but couldn't bring myself to sleep with anyone else because I knew he was the one. I couldn't believe how easily he could sleep with others and cried nearly every day for it. Could I still hold resentment from that even though it was so long ago? Could that have played into this at all? This was pre marriage but in my mind was still a treacherous behavior on his part. I don't know. Just thinking out loud. Maybe it's a point I should bring up in my next therapy session. And before anyone jumps my butt, I am not trying to paint a bad picture of him, after all we weren't engaged/ married at the time. But that doesn't mean I'm not still slightly upset about it. 

[Amethyst68]

Who's idea was it to use your therapist for couples therapy? 

This is not a good idea, you need to find someone who is not biased or prejudiced already in your favour.  Someone who has not already formed their own ideas of the situation. 

Of course you should continue to work on you with your therapist but it very rarely works when a couple uses one of their therapists for MC.

[Uruktopi]

7 hours ago, princessaurora said:

 Now do I think it wouldn't be quite as bad if I hadn't pushed him away for 3 yrs due to my condition?  Absolutely . He said himself, it triggered that time when he felt unwanted and undesirable. But even without that factored in,  I can imagine he'd still be pretty upset. 

I don't mean to downplay the fact that I didn't act on it makes it ok, it is absolutely not.

But when you look into the distant future,  would most people break up a 20 yr marriage with young children and a spouse they truly love.... 

simply because that spouse had thoughts of going with another and even went to their spouse about those thoughts instead of putting themself in a situation where they could potentially happen? 

Yes that's a bad thing, but if you truly love your spouse, I think you'd soon regret something like that within a couple of years because you are uprooting so many lives on something that didn't actually happen.

Like I said, I'm not discounting the fact what I was doing was bordering on unfaithfulness, but it could have definitely been a lot worse and I didn't allow that to happen because I love my husband and kids. They are my whole world. 

And I can't revert my story. It's gone. But it would be rather difficult to take a young unattached male pursuing a young unattached female  and make him a bad guy, unless I made him a serial killer or something. But I think getting him out of my head is the best thing for me and my family. 

Lady, I know we both have different views and assumptions about this (where "this" means the scopes of exclusivity, of love, of to choose someone). And that is good, specially regarding your own personal life. 

The main problem (if there is one and I suspect you are still trying to fix one) is that maybe (just maybe) your husband hold some related concepts a bit nearer to mine. Some of his factual reactions to what happened makes me suspect so. 

If this is true you will have an uphill road with his emotions AND his values if you remain describing things like you are doing.

Else, I would keep silence about and respecting your agency instead of being worried by the future success of your relationship, as I do.

In that spirit, let me say...

"Now do I think it wouldn't be quite as bad if I hadn't pushed him away for 3 yrs due to my condition?  Absolutely . He said himself, it triggered that time when he felt unwanted and undesirable. But even without that factored in,  I can imagine he'd still be pretty upset. " This is not only about you and him. Is about the other man being in between (exactly in the way you described). You are sugesting that a sexually fulfilled man would had taken what happened "better". I sugest instead that a woman in love wiith her man would had rejected another man in the way you did just recently but did not earlier at all. 

"I don't mean to downplay the fact that I didn't act on it makes it ok, it is absolutely not." I dissagree (an your husband may also). You had not phisical sex with the OM, right. But you certainly acted some way in a seductive sexual interaction that aroused you and the OM as well. That is to act on it.

 "But when you look into the distant future,  would most people break up a 20 yr marriage with young children and a spouse they truly love.... " NO. I would not break a loving relationship cos what happened...........as long as all the factors that leaded to the problem get removed. What you recently did was a step in such drection. Not enough. To make the marriage worth to continue, he may expect you to also remove the way of thinking about the scope of sexual exclusivity that you are still holding (and leaded to the known events).

"...simply because that spouse had thoughts of going with another and even went to their spouse about those thoughts instead of putting themself in a situation where they could potentially happen? " That was what I was saying about. In your mind, if there was no physical sex, it only "potentially happen". In your husband mind you already crossed the line. Not because casual attraction but because he may think (as I do) that you delayed telling him mainly to keep the seduction game going on. EVEN if it never ended in bed.

"Yes that's a bad thing, but if you truly love your spouse, I think you'd soon regret something like that within a couple of years because you are uprooting so many lives on something that didn't actually happen." Agree about stayng married. I would still put an adittional condition: That you drop the idea  "that didn't actually happen" what for your husband may be enough deal breaker if not. So you may be able to fix what actually happened starting to see it as it was.

"Like I said, I'm not discounting the fact what I was doing was bordering on unfaithfulness" In order to be able to fix it, you may need to take in account that the border was crossed.

"And I can't revert my story. It's gone. But it would be rather difficult to take a young unattached male pursuing a young unattached female  and make him a bad guy, unless I made him a serial killer or something."

If you allow me I may suggest a script for a new story that may help you by also helping your husband to WIN. And (just as an abstraction) would make the OM feel defeated if he had the opportunity to read it (which I am not proposing).

Writte a story where that same OM intented what he really did. And was defeated NOT because he was not a nice guy  but because he was a failure as a bad guy. In such story you rejected him COMPARED with the manly EROTIC image of the husband. And the rediscovery of the man that husband is and always was. Not only as a honourable man, but as a sexual one. A one that deserves the FULL erotic imagination of his woman focused in only him.

Anyway, good luck 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2020 by Uruktopi
Fix a typing mistake

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Who's idea was it to use your therapist for couples therapy? 

This is not a good idea, you need to find someone who is not biased or prejudiced already in your favour.  Someone who has not already formed their own ideas of the situation. 

Of course you should continue to work on you with your therapist but it very rarely works when a couple uses one of their therapists for MC.

We're not using my therapist for couples therapy. She made a one time exception and allowed him to partake in my weekly  therapy session because she knew this was a situation that needed to be calmed down right away and wanted to evaluate whether or not we needed any additional help. Obviously we do, which is not a surprise. My husband wouldn't accept her  anyway because he thinks she's partly to blame due to encouraging me to fantasize, which led to all this. Of course it also saved our sex life but he's too upset to understand that at the moment.  It was amazing how she kept her composure as he raised his voice at her, but I guess she's used to getting fussed at by patients. She just sat there like it didn't even phase her. 

But thanks, I do appreciate you pointing that out because I totally agree. She already knows me and has bonded with me so it would be an unfair advantage if she was the one assigned to work through this with us. 

[princessaurora]

36 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

Lady, I know we both have different views and assumptions about this (where "this" means the scopes of exclusivity, of love, of to choose someone). And that is good, specially regarding your own personal life. 

The main problem (if there is one and I suspect you are still trying to fix one) is that maybe (just maybe) your husband hold some related concepts a bit nearer to mine. Some of his factual reactions to what happened makes me suspect so. 

If this is true you will have an uphill road with his emotions AND his values if you remain describing things like you are doing.

Else, I would keep silence about and respecting your agency instead of being worried by the future success of your relationship, as I do.

In that spirit, let me say...

"Now do I think it wouldn't be quite as bad if I hadn't pushed him away for 3 yrs due to my condition?  Absolutely . He said himself, it triggered that time when he felt unwanted and undesirable. But even without that factored in,  I can imagine he'd still be pretty upset. " This is not only about you and him. Is about the other man being in between (exactly in the way you described). You are sugesting that a sexually fulfilled man would had taken what happened "better". I sugest instead that a woman in love wiith her man would had rejected another man in the way you did just recently but did not earlier at all. 

"I don't mean to downplay the fact that I didn't act on it makes it ok, it is absolutely not." I dissagree (an your husband may also). You had not phisical sex with the OM, right. But you certainly acted some way in a seductive sexual interaction that aroused you and the OM as well. That is to act on it.

 "But when you look into the distant future,  would most people break up a 20 yr marriage with young children and a spouse they truly love.... " NO. I would not break a loving relationship cos what happened...........as long as all the factors that leaded to the problem get removed. What you recently did was a step in such drection. Not enough. To make the marriage worth to continue, he may expect you to also remove the way of thinking about the scope of sexual exclusivity that you are still holding (and leaded to the known events).

"...simply because that spouse had thoughts of going with another and even went to their spouse about those thoughts instead of putting themself in a situation where they could potentially happen? " That was what I was saying about. In your mind, if there was no physical sex, it only "potentially happen". In your husband mind you already crossed the line. Not because casual attraction but because he may think (as I do) that you delayed telling him mainly to keep the seduction game going on. EVEN if it never ended in bed.

"Yes that's a bad thing, but if you truly love your spouse, I think you'd soon regret something like that within a couple of years because you are uprooting so many lives on something that didn't actually happen." Agree about stayng married. I would still put an adittional condition: That you drop the idea  "that didn't actually happen" what for your husband may be enough deal breaker if not. So you may be able to fix what actually happened starting to see it as it was.

"Like I said, I'm not discounting the fact what I was doing was bordering on unfaithfulness" In order to be able to fix it, you may need to take in account that the border was crossed.

"And I can't revert my story. It's gone. But it would be rather difficult to take a young unattached male pursuing a young unattached female  and make him a bad guy, unless I made him a serial killer or something."

If you allow me I may suggest a script for a new story that may help you by also helping your husband to WIN. And (just as an abstraction) would make the OM feel defeated if he had the opportunity to read it (which I am not proposing).in 

Writte a story where that same OM intented what he really did. And was defeated NOT because he was not a nice guy  but because he was a failure as a bad guy. In such story you rejected him COMPARED with the manly EROTIC image of the husband. And the rediscovery of the man that husband is and always was. Not only as a honourable man, but as a sexual one. A one that deserves the FULL erotic imagination of his woman focused in only him.

Anyway, good luck 

 

 

 

 

 

Ironically enough, for the past few hours I have been writing because he is asleep and my kids went to grandma's for dinner and baths. I thought he'd wanna talk more, but he just wants to sleep. I had to put my memory of him being a jerk during our breakup in the back of my mind. Like I said before, we weren't even engaged yet. I can't compare that against what's happening now. That's just my ego trying to find a scapegoat so I don't feel so bad and I recognize that. I could have slept with others during that time. I just chose not to.

So I pulled out my laptop and started writing , about my husband. Thinking about those early days triggered all those feelings that were so strong when we first met. It made me remember so vividly how I felt the first time I saw him, how attracted I was, how much I wanted to kiss him, how I instantly wanted him in my life. I described his looks and charisma in detail as if I was living it all over again, and how I never felt so strongly drawn to another person. I know men are usually not into hearing all that sappy stuff, but I figure he needs that reassurance right now, so I'll gladly share it with him. I may write all the way through to the first time we had sex. I may go longer. Not quite sure yet, but this feels good to me because before it seemed boring to write about my own husband. Now it seems to be exactly what we both need. 

I've experienced such a wide range of emotions these past few days. First I was borderline delusional, then I had an epiphany, then I was devastated. At the moment I feel scared. Scared my husband won't forgive me, scared the guys boss may come storming in the bank tomorrow and demand to know what the heck happened,  scared he may reach out to me again and force me to take action. 

I just want to go to work, do my job, come home, and love on my husband and children. But it will probably be a long time before I have those simple pleasures again. 

 

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, Datingdisabled said:

So make the guy feel wanted 

I'm trying but he's not reciprocating at all. I think he just needs some more time to process this. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I guess this is kind of how he felt for those 3 yrs I pushed him away and I mean literally pushed him away. At least he's not doing that. He just won't hug me/ kiss me back. But unless he says get away from me, I won't stop trying to assure him of my love and affection. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/17/2020 at 5:43 PM, Uruktopi said:

 

 

I´ve been in the other end of the rope of a story much like yours. In a place not so different of the one of your husband now.

This story of yours shaked deep emotional memories and some scar of my own.

That´s why I reacted answering in a less than gentle way. I appologize for doing so.

But maybe for the same reasson I may share with you here what I´ve learned from such experience.

That is why you have precisely zero objectivity and cannot accurately fathom the pure randomness of what actually took place in this scenario.

 

If a girl grew up in Dallas, and graduated high school there, and then moved to Vermont for college and stayed in Vermont while marrying and having kids in Vermont, she, like everybody else, is STILL allowed to think back wistfully about the older brother of one of her gal pals  from high school.   That sort of nostalgia is commonplace among people from all walks of life, and women are a much better bet not  to act upon those long-ago yearnings than are men, with all other things being equal.

 

So this woman's very appropriate and assigned erotic fiction writing is logically allowed to have been kindled by the image OF such a random guy from the past who seemed out-of-reach even then.

 

That equation is wholly independent of the extreme improbability that such a person would land right in ones Covid path some 25 years later.

 

What to do from that point FORWARD is the issue here, and it is not written in the back of some textbook somewhere, but objectivity remains central to what matters, and your effort at approaching the conundrum with no objectivity just doesn't 'fit' what is needed by the OP.

 

(* I am clear that these people are within 1.5 hours of one another, and that they may have always been, but the point is the high improbability of a return from such a distant, long-ago bit role in the life of another)

 

 

Edited October 19, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Zona]

I think you two will be fine in the end. I hope that this will make you both realize what is important; each other. Sounds like the thought of losing him has made you appreciate him more, and that is a good thing. If he gave up all those other hot women to marry you, he must really love you.

Best of luck to the both of you.

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, princessaurora said:

So I pulled out my laptop and started writing , about my husband...
… I know men are usually not into hearing all that sappy stuff, but I figure he needs that reassurance right now, so I'll gladly share it with him. I may write all the way through to the first time we had sex. I may go longer. Not quite sure yet, but this feels good to me because before it seemed boring to write about my own husband. Now it seems to be exactly what we both need. 

Don't you think your writing has done enough damage?
Not long ago you were all fired up with this other guy, do you  not think your husband may now suspect that this "declaration of love" in writing may be  a bit disingenuous.
I know you want him "back" like he was before but it will likely take  a lot more than a few chapters of well written prose to accomplish that.
Your "writings" may indeed be a trigger for him, I wouldn't be surprised if they were. He may have deleted your writings but he probably read at least some of it or has taken copies...
You have now put your husband into your new novel/essay, but that doesn't alter the fact he was not your first choice as leading man.
You needed to get heated up by the thought of someone else in order to have sex with your husband... I am sure he loved that fact.
No sex for 3 years and you need extra "help" to even consider accepting him as your lover. A great ego boost.

Also you have found a way to justify your continued  writing, and whilst that feels good to you, you will not have magically erased the chaos you have caused.
10 months you spent obsessing over another man, a man you had contact with, not a figment of your imagination or a celebrity crush, a real man.
And whilst you may get some brownie points for coming clean, it does not alter the fact you were within a hair's breadth of sleeping with him...  and as far as your husband knows you may still be within a hair's breadth of sleeping with him...
 
That is the problem with trust. If we know what another is basically thinking, we trust them.
If they give us reason to suspect we do not really know what they are thinking, then we find it harder to trust them.

Edited October 19, 2020 by elaine567
spelling

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Don't you think your writing has done enough damage?
Not long ago you were all fired up with this other guy, do you  not think your husband may now suspect that this "declaration of love" in writing may be  a bit disingenuous.
I know you want him "back" like he was before but it will likely take  a lot more than a few chapters of well written prose to accomplish that.
Your "writings" may indeed be a trigger for him, I wouldn't be surprised if they were. He may have deleted your writings but he probably read at least some of it or has taken copies...
You have now put your husband into your new novel/essay, but that doesn't alter the fact he was not your first choice as leading man.

All i'm doing is writing up the true factual story of what I felt for him when we first met. I'm in a very heightened emotional state and I may never be able to trigger those feelings so vividly again so I had to write it down. Maybe i'll share it with him. Maybe when i'm older and can't remember as much. i'll read it to jog my memory. It is not a fictional story. It is more like a journal of how much he meant to me from the get go. He was sleeping. I was having all those feelings. I needed to do something with them, so I wrote them down. He doesn't even know about it. 

 

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You needed to get heated up by the thought of someone else in order to have sex with your husband... I am sure he loved that fact.
No sex for 3 years and you need extra "help" to even consider accepting him as your lover. A great ego boost.

This is absolutely and strictly because of my condition. if you don't have any knowledge on interstitial cystitis, I recommend you do a little research, maybe even visit some of the ic support groups. It is an extremely excruciating and debilitating chronic condition that takes your whole life away. You can't eat what you want, you're a prisoner to the bathroom, you certainly can't have sex alot of the time, and sometimes those periods can last for years. Sex was such a big trigger for my pain (couldnt function for days-weeks)  I came to hate it and I directly associated that pain with my husband because we were so sexual. Anytime I showed him affection he would try to advance on me and the thought of that unbearable pain the aftermath of having sex with him would cause me, eventually resulted in me completely shutting down.. to the point where I would cringe if he touched my shoulder because I was so scared he was going to try and take it further. This was a psychological issue that comes with the condition. So basically husband=sex. Sex=agony. So the only way to get past that once I healed my body some and started doing physical therapy was to return to a place in my mind that had no association with that pain whatsoever. Husband wasn't doing the trick because he was already a trigger for the memory of that pain so I had  find something else to regain my sexuality. That's where erotica came in. I loved reading it and it reminded me of that supersexual being I once was. It inspired me to start writing it myself and as I felt more and more sexual I inserted myself in to the stories with famous people/fictional chraracters. Slowly but surely I started feeling like me again and reignited our sex life because I was able to pull myself out of that dark place. We started with oral (yes, this was even practically nonexistent for the 3 years due to the pain reaction it triggered in me) and as my internal system started to recover (due to manual internal pt) we moved to intercourse. But the smallest thing could have triggered that psychological association I had with my husband causing me pain (he fingers me too rough, he goes too deep, ex) I had to constantly keep myself in a state of sexuality, mentally. My writing allowed me to do this. But once I step away from it, I am me and my husband is him, but I've got that sex drive I need to rock his world without having that pain trigger which will instantly ruin the moment. He understands this, we would probably still  be celibate had I not gone this route, possibly with him fed up and long gone.  My life was so bad in the midst of my condition, I may had ended it years ago had I not gotten the help I needed to get better and find myself again. Just google ic and you will see what a horrific condition it is especially when its paired with pfd which happens about 80% of the time. The divorce rate is very high because most men can't tolerate it and 50% of people with this condition cannot work. They actually get disability compensation for it. I don't want to be in that 50% and my husband and family don't want me to either, so I did what I had to do to overcome it. It only takes one trigger to fall back into that dark pit of despair, so I avoid them like the plague. So you can lecture me for teetering on the thought of sleeping with another man, strictly based on the vision I had of him in a fantasy world I created to deal with my condition, assuming there wasn't a snowballest chance in hell i'd see him again,  but please leave my condition out of it. 

I'm off to work now. Wish me luck because I have no idea what awaits me there. 

[mark clemson]

On 10/17/2020 at 7:02 PM, Uruktopi said:

You are right.

And adding that lust is an emotion as any other one.

I've been re-thinking this over the weekend per what SOG said, and now I'm not so sure. Lust is an emotion, but it seems OP took significant steps to limit their interaction. Certainly there was enough there that he made this offer about his conveniently empty condo, so that is significant. How much of that is actually due to her engaging with him vs him sensing how "flustered" she was and taking a gamble isn't clear (to me at least). 

EA is a convenient label and this is definitely "something". OP flirted back with MM to at least some extent. Certainly there are workplace flirtations that occur with frequency, and that may even involve some transitory lust, that (in my book at least) probably don't warrant the label of "EA". There is no such thing as an "emotional one night stand" right?  So for me, I acknowledge that whether it was truly an EA (vs. what label might fit) isn't clear as it's a somewhat weird situation.

It's probably possible to analyze and reanalyze the situation and argue whether it was/wasn't an EA. There might be convincing reasons why it was. However, I'm not sure there's much point in all that.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, princessaurora said:

All i'm doing is writing up the true factual story of what I felt for him when we first met.

Echoing what @elaine567 said, given the emotional state your husband is probably in, I'd be careful with the writing too, generally, and particularly with this topic. It will not be obvious to him what the writing "means" this time around, so it may feel like you are continuing "something" and that may feel hurtful and/or like a betrayal to him this time as well.

My thought would be to drop it for at least a while and/or to make any writing not only on a completely new topic (than your prior story) but also completely transparent to him and NOT about "hotpants" in any way. I think your recording this for your personal posterity is taking a rather large risk.

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, princessaurora said:

 Could that have played into this at all? This was pre marriage but in my mind was still a treacherous behavior on his part. I don't know. Just thinking out loud. Maybe it's a point I should bring up in my next therapy session. And before anyone jumps my butt, I am not trying to paint a bad picture of him, after all we weren't engaged/ married at the time. But that doesn't mean I'm not still slightly upset about it. 

In couples therapy and talks with him, suggest you leave this out of it. Certainly as an attempt to "blame" what happened recently on this earlier stuff from years ago. I don't think that would be at all helpful.

In personal IC, I'd say process whatever you need to process.

[Amethyst68]

Plus there's fact you continued your erotic writing after you reconnected with this MM in real life and started flirting with each other.

You say you were trying to disconnect from him stay professional BUT you kept writing your story with him in the starring role.  Can you not see what a contradiction that is? 

That story should have been deleted the instant things started to get inappropriate instead I suspect you confronted to Gerry a thrill from him chasing you and used that in your story. 

[DKT3]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I've been re-thinking this over the weekend per what SOG said, and now I'm not so sure. Lust is an emotion, but it seems OP took significant steps to limit their interaction. Certainly there was enough there that he made this offer about his conveniently empty condo, so that is significant. How much of that is actually due to her engaging with him vs him sensing how "flustered" she was and taking a gamble isn't clear (to me at least). 

EA is a convenient label and this is definitely "something". OP flirted back with MM to at least some extent. Certainly there are workplace flirtations that occur with frequency, and that may even involve some transitory lust, that (in my book at least) probably don't warrant the label of "EA". There is no such thing as an "emotional one night stand" right?  So for me, I acknowledge that whether it was truly an EA (vs. what label might fit) isn't clear as it's a somewhat weird situation.

It's probably possible to analyze and reanalyze the situation and argue whether it was/wasn't an EA. There might be convincing reasons why it was. However, I'm not sure there's much point in all that.

I think this is a gross understatement, especially given her last few posts. It was absolutely an emotional affair,  albeit it happened 60-70% between her ears. 

The fact that she has to get emotionally worked up to "remember " how she felt about her husband long ago yet, she is all worked up for some guy she SUPPOSEDLY hadn't seen to two decades.  Then she SUPPOSEDLY makes every effort to stop him from flirting.  There is a lot of delusion here, even more minimizing.  This is a marriage in danger and if she doesn't start getting honest.........boom

[princessaurora]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I've been re-thinking this over the weekend per what SOG said, and now I'm not so sure. Lust is an emotion, but it seems OP took significant steps to limit their interaction. Certainly there was enough there that he made this offer about his conveniently empty condo, so that is significant. How much of that is actually due to her engaging with him vs him sensing how "flustered" she was and taking a gamble isn't clear (to me at least). 

I really did do everything  I could to keep him at bay.  I emailed the papers to his local branch, anytime he found a need to come to my office, I told him we try to minimize customer interaction because of covid, so  I could take care  of it over the phone, skype, email instead. When he started to flirt, I never responded verbally except to say "Can we please get back to your account? Now is it possible my body language told a different story? Yes, I can admit to that but it wasn't intentional. At least not in my conscious mind. He was feeding the fantasy so my instinct was to indulge though my conscience knew not to cross that line and didn't want to. When he suggested having a business meeting at a restaurant halfway between our 2 locations, I told him I don't eat out right now. Then he called me out on my anniversary dinner which I totally didn't expect,  bragging about how he would have taken me someplace more upscale   but still I kept my composure and simply said. Ok, back to business. Anytime he veered off, I always told him get back to business. I did not want to see him and went to great lengths to avoid doing so, but he still got in my head, all because of the fantasy. Now that I've separated myself from the situation I can see that's clearly what happened. I really feel I was becoming borderline delusional. It's amazing how quickly telling my husband the truth snapped me back to reality. I'd probably still be walking around in a daze right now had I not done so. Because I was losing control. 

As for his email, I've gone back and forth about it trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can't help it. I just don't want to believe he's that type of person. And I know I'm not that type of person. I was lucky to find my soulmate at all, and even more blessed at such a young age. I wouldn't trade him in for anyone. I was meant to navigate this life with him, and I honestly believe that. I could never love another man like I love him. I'd never even try. My heart is 100% his and even if he walked away from me right now it still would be. 

I really do try to see the good in people. So I started thinking maybe I've got this all wrong and he really does just want to talk about his accounts in person. Lots of customer want that in person experience and before covid they could easily get it. I've stressed to him several times covid is a big concern of mine. Maybe he really was just offering a solution so he could get the service he normally would be able to in normal times.  If it's just the 2 of us in a house our covid risk is low. Maybe we would just sit around ,eat , and discuss business like we normally would at the desk precovid and nothing more would happen. I certainly wouldn't advance on him. I'm married and so is he. Maybe I'm just letting my imagination run away with me.  This is what kept running through my mind today. But when I factor in all the other things he's done, that theory just doesn't add up. 

I still can't believe he jumped so fast to something that intimate. I expected him to just keep asking  me to meet him and maybe even backing off soon since I've refused multiple times. The 1st email was just a question about a large ck that had cleared. The 2nd was him inquiring why I hadn't responded yet, and his 3rd he basically said he really needed to sit down with me face to face to discuss his finances and if I was really concerned about covid we could just order takeout, and go over everything at his condo since noones living  there right now. I was extremely upset when I read it so my immediate thought was "real classy'. But now I'm not sure. Did I jump the gun? Is he just a very needy client? But then there's the attempted  intrusion into my personal life that pretty much cancels that thought out and screams "cheating jerk"

My thoughts and feelings are such  a circus right now and they change so rapidly. I agree, he took a huge gamble, and I think if I hadn't been ignoring him for a few days he probably wouldn't have went to that extreme.  Assuming he is that type of person, which I just don't want to believe he is. Regardless, I would never meet a customer in a house alone. That's just too risky because you never know what their true intentions are when you're away from the environment you normally service  them in. None of that matters now anyway and I shouldn't be trying to analyze the situation. I'm supposed to be forgetting about him because other than his appearance, my interest is him is/was all based on the character  I've built up in my imagination and I'm well aware of that. 

[princessaurora]

17 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Echoing what @elaine567 said, given the emotional state your husband is probably in, I'd be careful with the writing too, generally, and particularly with this topic. It will not be obvious to him what the writing "means" this time around, so it may feel like you are continuing "something" and that may feel hurtful and/or like a betrayal to him this time as well.

My thought would be to drop it for at least a while and/or to make any writing not only on a completely new topic (than your prior story) but also completely transparent to him and NOT about "hotpants" in any way. I think your recording this for your personal posterity is taking a rather large risk.

I haven't written anymore, but I'm keeping what I wrote because maybe one day a long time from now he'll enjoy hearing how much he means to me. If not, it'll just be part of my journal.  I was so emotional at that moment. I just had to write it out. He was asleep, kids were at my parents house. I needed some sort of outlet to distract me from thinking about that darn email. Because I'm only human, this was potentially an obsession and it's not going to just stop instantly. Yes, I'm back in the real world now, but these intrusive thoughts still pop up from time to time. Having a poster trigger memories of those early days brought my mind to a very heightened state where I could capture the intensity of those first moments with my husband so I had to write them down. I'm afraid to abandon my writing for a long period of time because I don't want to fall back into that place where I don't feel sexual at all. Even my therapist stressed that. concern. I don't anticipate he'll want to have sex with me for awhile but I want to be able to give him that experience when he is and not have it blocked by a fall back on my condition. It's a very slippery slope to navigate. 

I will definitely not write about the man I now call my work headache. I will only write about characters that are completely fictional so there is no way these lines can become blurred again. And it will probably be at least another week before I start writing again at all. 

[princessaurora]

18 hours ago, mark clemson said:

In couples therapy and talks with him, suggest you leave this out of it. Certainly as an attempt to "blame" what happened recently on this earlier stuff from years ago. I don't think that would be at all helpful.

In personal IC, I'd say process whatever you need to process.

I agree. It definitely upset me but we were technically broken up. I will work that out with my individual therapist. But I do wonder subconsciously if I did wanna get back at him for that. Like I said. I have so many thoughts right now. But I will keep reminding myself we weren't even engaged and had broken up so he did not cheat. 

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Plus there's fact you continued your erotic writing after you reconnected with this MM in real life and started flirting with each other.

You say you were trying to disconnect from him stay professional BUT you kept writing your story with him in the starring role.  Can you not see what a contradiction that is? 

That story should have been deleted the instant things started to get inappropriate instead I suspect you confronted to Gerry a thrill from him chasing you and used that in your story. 

I thought I could handle it. Originally, I didn't think I'd be dealing with him that much. I'd just send the papers to his branch, answer a few questions new clients generally have, and be done with it. I didn't want him in my real world. But I loved my story, it fueled me and hubbys sex life. Hubby would incorporate his ideas in the story, especially the funny bits.  He thought women would love it and he loved getting to "practice" out the scenes with me which other than that one time never involved thoughts of another man. That's when I knew I was in over my head and first posted here. I never thought there would be a need to abandon my story and I was so deep into writing it, I didn't even want to consider it. That was my outlet, the way I coped with my condition and revived our sex life. Had he not reemerged in my real life, this never would have become an issue. Like SOG said, this is not your run of the mill potential cheating situation. This is a very unusual, never thought it could happen in a million years fiasco. I tried to pull away from my story especially when he got increasingly forward. I would stop writing for a few days here and there but I always went back to it because it keeps me from having a setback in my condition the minute I do something to accidentally trigger a flare. So it was a constant push and pull. I thought I could manage him and keep him out of my real life. And by the time I found that may not be the case, I was losing control of my thoughts and the situation.

I never altered the narrative of the story based on his increasing interest. I still tried to keep those 2 things separate by not entertaining him when he went there, by staying professional. It was most likely my unconsious facial expressions that made him think I may be willing to go there too as sal mentioned. Because I saw this hot passionate sex I've been writing about becoming potentially accessible and that is where the temptation came in  I just wanted that intense pleasure depicted in my book.  And my best chance at that was with the guy himself who is on the screen right in front of me.  There was no chasing in my story. It was a mutual attraction with a few obstacles thrown in the way to make it exciting. None of which involved cheating, to be clear. 

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I think this is a gross understatement, especially given her last few posts. It was absolutely an emotional affair,  albeit it happened 60-70% between her ears. 

The fact that she has to get emotionally worked up to "remember " how she felt about her husband long ago yet, she is all worked up for some guy she SUPPOSEDLY hadn't seen to two decades.  Then she SUPPOSEDLY makes every effort to stop him from flirting.  There is a lot of delusion here, even more minimizing.  This is a marriage in danger and if she doesn't start getting honest.........boom

So am I having an EA with all the characters I've written about over the past few years?  I guess that means I'm in an emotional affair with Chris Hemsworth, please don't tell his wife. He was no different than any other character till he popped back up in my life. I assumed that would  never happen. He was simply a guy I was highly attracted to back in high school, and wished I  would  have gotten to do the horizontal hula with, nothing more. So, I thought it would be fun to write about him and the sexual experience I regret not having. I think most of us can look back on our youth and say" I really wish I would have got to hook up with so and so" But when you're a writer you take that a step further. I wasn't in love with him. I never felt any sort of connection with him when our eyes met like I did with my husband. I just thought  "this dude is hotter than the sun and I really wanna get under him." So theres no dishonesty here on my part. No ulterior motive to run off to the virgin islands with him and leave my family behind. I just wanted to bang him because I've been doing so in my mind for the past 11 months. He could have been a sex toy, it would be the same. "Here's the pretty pink sparkly dildo in front of me giving me the most  intense pleasure I could ever imagine in my dream world for almost a year. Maybe I should try it out and see if there's anyway it could live up to that vision." That's where my mind was when I started to lose control of my feelings. But because he is a human being and not an  inanimate  vagina pleasing object, acting on that could hurt a lot of people, including the ones I love most, so I needed to get a hold of myself and squash those thoughts. So if you're trying to make me out to be some evil female itching to cheat on her husband who intentionally sought out this guy who was nothing more than a wet dream to her a lifetime ago,  please try again, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

[princessaurora]

Nothing eventful happened yesterday at work. So far it's been crickets since I gave him a warning. Hopefully it stays that way so I can solely focus on repairing my marriage. My husband is back in our bed , so I guess that's progress. Either that or or he doesn't want  my daughter to think daddy is going to sleep in her bed every night. I know she'd love that though. She hates being alone.  Oh well. I'm still relieved he's not sleeping in a different room anymore. I'll just take it day by day. That's all I can do. 

[Uruktopi]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I think this is a gross understatement, especially given her last few posts. It was absolutely an emotional affair,  albeit it happened 60-70% between her ears. 

The fact that she has to get emotionally worked up to "remember " how she felt about her husband long ago yet, she is all worked up for some guy she SUPPOSEDLY hadn't seen to two decades.  Then she SUPPOSEDLY makes every effort to stop him from flirting.  There is a lot of delusion here, even more minimizing.  This is a marriage in danger and if she doesn't start getting honest.........boom

Wise, wise, wise answer.

[princessaurora]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

The fact that she has to get emotionally worked up to "remember " how she felt about her husband long ago yet, she is all worked up for some guy she SUPPOSEDLY hadn't seen to two decades.

I assume this reaction was based on the fact that for the first time since we got married, I truly feared I could lose him. If you  looked at some of my past posts on other subjects you'd see I've boasted about him many times before, telling everyone it truly was love at first sight so it's not that I can't remember, I just remembered more vividly than normal because I was worried he would leave me. 

The other guy is nothing but a sex object highly amped up in my imagination, nothing more. You can believe what you want but that is the truth. 

And I have not seen him or known his whereabouts since high school. 

Edited October 20, 2020 by princessaurora
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[DKT3]

3 hours ago, princessaurora said:

So am I having an EA with all the characters I've written about over the past few years?  I guess that means I'm in an emotional affair with Chris Hemsworth, please don't tell his wife. He was no different than any other character till he popped back up in my life. I assumed that would  never happen. He was simply a guy I was highly attracted to back in high school, and wished I  would  have gotten to do the horizontal hula with, nothing more. So, I thought it would be fun to write about him and the sexual experience I regret not having. I think most of us can look back on our youth and say" I really wish I would have got to hook up with so and so" But when you're a writer you take that a step further. I wasn't in love with him. I never felt any sort of connection with him when our eyes met like I did with my husband. I just thought  "this dude is hotter than the sun and I really wanna get under him." So theres no dishonesty here on my part. No ulterior motive to run off to the virgin islands with him and leave my family behind. I just wanted to bang him because I've been doing so in my mind for the past 11 months. He could have been a sex toy, it would be the same. "Here's the pretty pink sparkly dildo in front of me giving me the most  intense pleasure I could ever imagine in my dream world for almost a year. Maybe I should try it out and see if there's anyway it could live up to that vision." That's where my mind was when I started to lose control of my feelings. But because he is a human being and not an  inanimate  vagina pleasing object, acting on that could hurt a lot of people, including the ones I love most, so I needed to get a hold of myself and squash those thoughts. So if you're trying to make me out to be some evil female itching to cheat on her husband who intentionally sought out this guy who was nothing more than a wet dream to her a lifetime ago,  please try again, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

Your attempts to misdirect falls short here. You continue to minimize this whole thing. If it was as meaningless as you are trying to claim 1) your husband wouldn't be this upset 2) you would have not needed to post here asking how to end it...truth be told all you did was make excuses as to why you couldn't end it. 

 

[mark clemson]

I think this...

10 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I think this is a gross understatement, especially given her last few posts. It was absolutely an emotional affair,  albeit it happened 60-70% between her ears.

Has to be rectified against this...

 

5 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I really did do everything  I could to keep him at bay.  I emailed the papers to his local branch, anytime he found a need to come to my office, I told him we try to minimize customer interaction because of covid, so  I could take care  of it over the phone, skype, email instead. When he started to flirt, I never responded verbally except to say "Can we please get back to your account?

 

I do agree there is room for debate here. You're of course welcome to your view; for myself I am comfortable with ambiguity. It WAS "something" of significance clearly, and your and others' assessment that aurora is far from out of the woods yet is definitely one I agree with.