Kept sleeping with him for four years after breakup

[4yearstomuch]

I honestly can’t talk to anyone about this because it’s been a secret for so long. 

 

Backstory is that my ex and I began dating around 10 years ago. we worked together then and still work together now. Our relationship was out in the open for the first 8 years. We broke up originally 6 years into our relationship due to my suspicions of him cheating with another coworker when he got arrested for a DUI two blocks from her house. At the time we were engaged and only 3 months away from the wedding. I canceled the wedding right after we broke up (lost lots of money in deposits). Despite this we got back together fairly quickly and stayed together for another two years. We have a child together so at the time it just seemed like the right thing to do. Those two years were not exactly happy ones. He revealed to me that he would never marry me and I resented him so much for that. 

The final break up came when he asked me to go to California to watch his brother get happily married and I refused. Talk about a punch in the gut. After all that HE dumped ME. 

I spent a few months miserable and trying to date new men but that just went horribly. I wasn’t ready. Eventually we ended up somehow sleeping together again. I don’t really remember how that happened but it continued for 4 more years! We didn’t see anyone else (at least i didn’t) but were never officially committed to each other. I still don’t know why I allowed this to go on for as long as it did but it remained an absolute secret due to the fact that I got promoted to management during that time. He wasn’t and still isn’t officially my suboordinate but has the potential to become a suboordinate at any point in the near future. I’ve worked extremely hard for my career and reputation in our line of work. 

During the time we were sleeping together, I helped get him promoted, gave him back all his child support. Was there for him for anything he ever needed. Air conditioning out at his house he came over. I would help him make daycare payments. I did so much for him during that time without question. I even gave him a recommendation to move into my neighborhood which he did. Everything was going smoothly with co parenting. We share 50/50 custody. He wasn’t dating. I wasn’t dating. We attended all our daughters activities together. All the birthday parties she was invited to together. We texted each other all day every day. Looking back on it I believe we were still truly together. Just not in the official capacity and in complete secret. 

In the last 6 months or so, I found myself annoyed by him. He would come over and just stay for whole weekends without me asking him to. This went from him spending the night every so often to him overstaying his welcome. He would join us for dinner frequently. I had actually made the decision to finally break it off for good but never had the guts. I guess I was afraid of hurting his feelings? But I also was so used to the easiness and convenience of the situation. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to. We helped each other at work. We were co parenting champions. He was my friend and confidant. At some point he called me crying and begging me to get back with him. He wanted to be a family again. It was very dramatic for him as he doesn’t usually reveal his feelings so easily. I turned him down. I told him I wasn’t willing to ruin my career by being with him out in the open. He offered to quit his job but I still refused. After all he put me through I just couldn’t risk my solid career for a big what if and a guy who never wanted to marry me. 

Well I went and did it to myself I guess. As of a month ago he stopped asking to come over and became distant. I knew exactly what that meant. I was afraid to ask for weeks until I finally just came out with it. Are you dating someone? The answer was yes and I felt more devastated than when we first broke up, DUI, cheating, 2 breakups, canceled wedding and all. He told me he was tired of playing second fiddle to our company. That I always put my work first. That he wanted me back and I didn’t want him etc. 

The worst part is that I begged him for a name as I suspected he was dating an ex coworker. I always suspected her. But this was much worse than I could have imagined. He’s dating a girl who worked in a strip club for 10 years. A strip club him and I used to go to in our younger years. I knew this girl as she was always there when we were. She was always wasted. I’ve found out she hops from living in trailer park to trailer park and does not have full custody of her own children. (Thanks to wide open Facebook pages) 

Now I’m completely and utterly devastated despite the fact that I had already wanted to end things. I know I caused this by rejecting his pleas to get back together. Why the hell does this hurt so bad? After all he’s done to me and the fact we haven’t been exclusive in four years this should not be so difficult. I fear for our daughter having to be around this ex stripper. (I say ex stripper because he claims she’s now an Uber driver now making lots of money, has turned her life around etc. ) I guess I’m jealous and hurt. But rationally speaking I know I could have had him back. I didn’t want it. So what the hell is wrong with me? 

I need help moving past this so desperately. It’s been just over a week now and I’m still crying every day. I just went back to work today. I had to see him for the first time in two weeks and I absolutely crumbled. Sat in my office and cried the entire day.  

As a side note we have always acted completely professional at work without issue. Even when we went through the first two breakups. We are upper level professional people. Even just reading through what I’ve typed here has shocked me. This drama is not me but here I am living it. I feel lost and broken. Unable to go back and unable to move forward. And as I stated I can’t even tell my closest friends any of this because they’ve ALL been left in the dark out of fear of ruining my reputation at work. 

my real question is, why is this so incredibly difficult despite me wanting to break it off for good months ago? Why isn’t this making any difference for me? 

[Mystery4u]

Ok so you've made a catalogue of wrong decisions in the past.. the first one being getting back together after the first time you broke up.. and a whole load more after that.

What's done is done though and I hope you can see all the mistakes you made, so you don't make them again in the future?

Anyway moving forward to answer your question - just like any break up, time is the only thing that will help. Your emotions, feelings are all normal considering the circumstances.

It's difficult because it's now become reality that your relationship is finally over for good, even though it's 4 years overdue.

I know you don't feel it right now, but this is actually the BEST thing that could have happened to you. You can finally break free from this unhealthy 'relationship' you have, move on with your life and meet someone new yourself. Someone who actually appreciates you for you.

The rest of your life starts now.

[schlumpy]

Why would he want to marry you when you make yourself available to him with no muss and no fuss?

You state clearly what you want. You want a loving and faithful husband along with family and a good life.

You have simply chosen the wrong guy to do this with.

He can't be the guy that you want unless you live in a delusional world.

Years ago you should have cut off all contact with him even if it meant moving away to avoid temptation. Instead, you keep having a relationship reset as he bounces you up and down like a basketball but he never takes you to the basket.

You can't recover the time you have lost, so start now. Block him from your social media. Get a legal co-parent agreement with written rules you can both follow to minimize contact with him. Don't let him into the house and make him pick up your child at a neutral location like at a relative's house.

Do this until you are detached and indifferent towards him then you can loosen up.

You will never move on as long as he is a major part of your life. That means you will end up empty handed except for your daughter years from now.

Don't do that to yourself. He's not anything special. He's not a prize.

[kendahke]

20 hours ago, 4yearstomuch said:

Eventually we ended up somehow sleeping together again. I don’t really remember how that happened but it continued for 4 more years!

This is what you need to take responsibility for.

There was no "somehow" to this. You chose to sleep with him again and you chose to keep sleeping with him for 4 additional years---not months, but years.

You weren't a hapless victim here. You are too professionally accomplished to be this clueless. You made a series of bad choices.

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We broke up originally 6 years into our relationship due to my suspicions of him cheating with another coworker when he got arrested for a DUI two blocks from her house. At the time we were engaged and only 3 months away from the wedding.

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He’s dating a girl who worked in a strip club for 10 years.

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 He revealed to me that he would never marry me and I resented him so much for that. 

This is the disconnect that I can't get past in your post.. He seems prone to cheating. That doesn't foster integrity.

  Prepare yourself for him telling you that baby #2 is on its way with the stripper.