Husband & Co-Worker Situation

[BBlaine]

I don't have anyone to talk about this and it is making me feel sick. My husband and I met three years ago. He works with a woman in a shift work situation. They started working together about a year before we met. This woman has never liked me and has made it clear to my husband she hates me (or so he has told me). We have never had more than a few word interaction and honestly do not know each other on a personal level at all. He and I have had arguments and have threatened to split and I know she is aware of this. We got married last year and this woman was at our wedding and she even signed our marriage certificate (which in hindsight makes me sick). I still never talked to her even that day. This past year has been rough with COVID-19, life changes and a miscarriage in May. I have let things go with her then she started doing weird things. In March she sent me a video "How to destroy your marriage" which was a spoof and it was sent through Instagram and as I have said before we never spoke or even had a joking relationship. In May when we had a miscarriage she sent a care package from their station and it was labeled solely to my husband and she brought it to our house personally. He has told me he has invited her to our house but refuses because of me. He was always in a bad mood towards me when he was on shift with her and finally he decided (after we chatted) it was time to switch partners.

Since he decided this this woman has now gone off the deep end. She told my husband that I was isolating him from her and her family. We never did anything with her family because it was his choice as it was his friend and I did not know this woman. I had never said no to anything because he never brought up doing anything with her and her family. She then brought their supervisor into the situation instead of switching partners gracefully. She is essentially trying to get him fired (so he tells me) or trying to get us divorced. This started two days ago while they were at work together (he is gone two days at a time) so he hasn't been home and he told me this morning that there is now a rumor going around that they were having an affair? All of a sudden? So quickly? He asks me if I told anyone about her. I have no one to tell anything about her or the situation so here I am.

I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe I needed to get this off my chest somehow more than anything but advice is always helpful too.

[d0nnivain]

I looks like your husband is picking you & is realizing that she's bad news.  Be happy for that & let her burn herself out.  

You are right that she spells trouble for your marriage but I don't think you need to worry that she's a threat to your marriage but she does appear to be a threat to your husband's job.  He needs to be careful on that front.  

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, BBlaine said:

I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe I needed to get this off my chest somehow more than anything but advice is always helpful too.

Is this woman married?

That your husband warned you about affair talk is a red flag that you can look into or ignore. I'm not sure which one you want. Would you want to know? It is much easier allowing him to feed you the information.

I can't help but suspect that promises were made and withdrawn and your husband now has scorned woman on his hands that he has to contain.

Did this woman tell you to face she disliked and hated you or did that come from your husband?

If there is something shady going on limiting contact between you two would be a plus.

Why don't pick up the phone and have a civil conversation with this other woman. Find out why she wants your husband fired and wants to break up your marriage.

You owe it to yourself to find out the truth.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, BBlaine said:

 He and I have had arguments and have threatened to split and I know she is aware of this. He was always in a bad mood towards me when he was on shift with her and finally he decided (after we chatted) it was time to switch partners.

Marriage counselling. The problems run deeper than this creepy coworker. 

[mark clemson]

⬆️⬆️ - all of the above are right, IMO. Your husband has chosen you over this (apparently) would-be OW. The question remains whether anything happened with her. There's certainly smoke - does NOT mean there is a fire, but there certainly might be. And yes, it sounds like your marriage needs some "work".

IF you go to an MC, be sure to choose one with many years experience in marriage/couples counseling and where that is (genuinely) their expertise. IF you find out he cheated on you, come back here and let us know what happened before proceeding with MC as there are important caveats.

[BBlaine]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Is this woman married?

That your husband warned you about affair talk is a red flag that you can look into or ignore. I'm not sure which one you want. Would you want to know? It is much easier allowing him to feed you the information.

I can't help but suspect that promises were made and withdrawn and your husband now has scorned woman on his hands that he has to contain.

Did this woman tell you to face she disliked and hated you or did that come from your husband?

If there is something shady going on limiting contact between you two would be a plus.

Why don't pick up the phone and have a civil conversation with this other woman. Find out why she wants your husband fired and wants to break up your marriage.

You owe it to yourself to find out the truth.

 

She is married with two kids.

She has never told me to my face, he has said she does. I have run into her and she refuses to talk to me. She has sent odd things like the "how to break up your marriage" video out of the blue. She has left random messages on my Instagram saying how great my husband is and how he is the backbone of the relationship he and I have.

Edited October 10, 2020 by BBlaine

[BBlaine]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Marriage counselling. The problems run deeper than this creepy coworker. 

Completely agree on the marriage counseling and we had started to go there. COVID hit and things just stopped.

[schlumpy]

8 hours ago, BBlaine said:

She is married with two kids.

She has never told me to my face, he has said she does. I have run into her and she refuses to talk to me. She has sent odd things like the "how to break up your marriage" video out of the blue. She has left random messages on my Instagram saying how great my husband is and how he is the backbone of the relationship he and I have.

I trust my wife as an intermediary up to the point where I get wind of an affair between her and the guy she is telling me about. After that I gather my own intelligence, knowing I may not like what I find because I will have to make a decision that will affect my life in a negative way.

Ask her to lunch - your treat.

Find out where you stand so you have a clear idea on how to tackle the problem - if there is one.

[ExpatInItaly]

You and she have never exchanged more than a few words and yet she signed your marriage certificate? How did that happen?

I feel like there are some missing pieces to this whole story. 

[BBlaine]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You and she have never exchanged more than a few words and yet she signed your marriage certificate? How did that happen?

I feel like there are some missing pieces to this whole story. 

He invited her to our elopement along with about five or six other people from his work. She stepped up when we were signing it at our house.

[Mrin]

Any chance your husband slept with her either before or after you came into his life?

[kendahke]

My advice is to not sit down and have any talk with her. All you will be doing is exposing your vulnerability to her and she's going to have that for lunch. You will not get anything out of it.

Your husband started this mess. He needs to fix it.

Right now, I think individual therapy is in order for you. Do the marriage therapy after.  You need a road map out of this minefield your husband's behavior with this woman has put you in. You also have to get some direction on how to deal with whatever information this supposed affair unloads before you set foot in a mc's office and he does a number on you in front of them.

The thing that bothers me the most about your story is he knew how she felt about you before he married you, yet he let her sign the license--and that's some sick mess.

[Fletch Lives]

Wow, sounds like your husband has a crazy stalker at work. Maybe it would be a blessing if he lost his job - and lost the stalker.

[Pumpernickel]

To me it sounds like your husband had an affair with this woman, wanted to end it, and wants to cover it up now.

Red flags that lead me to that assumption: talks about her plenty, told you she disliked you (even though she never knew you well), invited her to wedding (wanted her there as a "friend", in order to appease her/keep her in his life somehow), never wanted to introduce the two families, she seems noticeably upset now that it's over

Now he makes her out to be the crazy stalker in order to distract you and his managers.

 

[BBlaine]

21 hours ago, kendahke said:

My advice is to not sit down and have any talk with her. All you will be doing is exposing your vulnerability to her and she's going to have that for lunch. You will not get anything out of it.

Your husband started this mess. He needs to fix it.

Right now, I think individual therapy is in order for you. Do the marriage therapy after.  You need a road map out of this minefield your husband's behavior with this woman has put you in. You also have to get some direction on how to deal with whatever information this supposed affair unloads before you set foot in a mc's office and he does a number on you in front of them.

The thing that bothers me the most about your story is he knew how she felt about you before he married you, yet he let her sign the license--and that's some sick mess.

The morning he got off work this week she apparently went off in a full blown temper tantrum over him asking to change partners, called me some profane names and went straight to the bosses stating my husband drug her into his relationship by asking to change partners to help the stress in his marriage. It is definitely his mess. I actually have an appointment with a counselor next week, by myself. As for your statement about the marriage license. That is exactly how I feel and I also feel like I should have stood up and asked her not too or to not have her at our marriage. I have tried to give the benefit of the doubt as this has gone on for nearly three years but this has all only gotten worse.

[BBlaine]

21 hours ago, Mrin said:

Any chance your husband slept with her either before or after you came into his life?

I have questioned this many, many times. I don't think I will ever know because if he had, on the job, it would be immediate termination.

[BBlaine]

12 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

To me it sounds like your husband had an affair with this woman, wanted to end it, and wants to cover it up now.

Red flags that lead me to that assumption: talks about her plenty, told you she disliked you (even though she never knew you well), invited her to wedding (wanted her there as a "friend", in order to appease her/keep her in his life somehow), never wanted to introduce the two families, she seems noticeably upset now that it's over

Now he makes her out to be the crazy stalker in order to distract you and his managers.

 

I do wonder if he did. She has acted out towards me like a scorned woman who has something invested.

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, BBlaine said:

I do wonder if he did. She has acted out towards me like a scorned woman who has something invested.

Exactly. If you assume that your husband did sleep with her then her behavior makes total sense. If he didn't sleep with her then her behavior is really perplexing and bonkers. I don't mean to go Occam's razor on you but...

[Crazelnut]

So what is your approach going to be? What are you going to do? If it was me, I'd insist my husband get a new job somewhere else. He's probably going to get fired anyway for bringing this mess into the workplace.

[elaine567]

The problem here is your husband.
He is apparently in the middle stirring it, to keep you and this woman apart and at loggerheads.
Why?

[BBlaine]

16 hours ago, Mrin said:

Exactly. If you assume that your husband did sleep with her then her behavior makes total sense. If he didn't sleep with her then her behavior is really perplexing and bonkers. I don't mean to go Occam's razor on you but...

No, this is completely the truth of it.

[BBlaine]

5 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

So what is your approach going to be? What are you going to do? If it was me, I'd insist my husband get a new job somewhere else. He's probably going to get fired anyway for bringing this mess into the workplace.

I had suggested he changed partners which triggered everything going on right now and her going off the deep end. He asked to change partners with his boss and she went bonkers on him at work. He told me this but he also came home an hour after it happened upset and everything and everyone so I have no doubt she set him off. People change shifts, partners work situations all the time. The fact that this woman lost her mind over it is seriously disturbing.

[elaine567]

Did you not find it slightly odd that this woman apparently hated you straight out of the box...
Why would she do that?
There is history here, history I suggest you know nothing about... Women do not usually hate the wives of their co-workers with no reason.

[vla1120]

Two things:

1. I wonder if her husband is aware of this drama. It is pretty clear to me that one or both of them (she and your husband) crossed the line. Her husband might be interested to know that she is trying to break up your marriage.

2. Is he the only breadwinner? I know the job market isn't the greatest right now, but your marriage is worth more than him working with that woman. 

Edited October 13, 2020 by vla1120

[BBlaine]

58 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did you not find it slightly odd that this woman apparently hated you straight out of the box...
Why would she do that?
There is history here, history I suggest you know nothing about... Women do not usually hate the wives of their co-workers with no reason.

Yes, it has been a point of contention for a long time. My bottom line has always been why does this woman (who doesn't know me) hate me from day one. I have always thought there was more to the story but I have never had truth or proof.