Husband & Co-Worker Situation

[BBlaine]

31 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Two things:

1. I wonder if her husband is aware of this drama. It is pretty clear to me that one or both of them (she and your husband) crossed the line. Her husband might be interested to know that she is trying to break up your marriage.

2. Is he the only breadwinner? I know the job market isn't the greatest right now, but your marriage is worth more than him working with that woman. 

It's a good point. I have thought about asking him to ask his wife to stay out of my marriage. In a polite manner. I just don't know exactly what to say yet or if I should.

He isn't the only breadwinner. He is in a meeting to determine the fate of his job since she escalated it after he let her know he would be switching partners and she lost it on him the morning he was leaving work and coming home.

[Mrin]

3 hours ago, BBlaine said:

No, this is completely the truth of it.

Yeah. Something is rotten in Denmark. My hunch is you'll find out more soon enough. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

23 hours ago, Mrin said:

Occam's razor

 thank you for teaching me something new! 😃

[schlumpy]

15 hours ago, BBlaine said:

He is in a meeting to determine the fate of his job since she escalated it after he let her know he would be switching partners and she lost it on him the morning he was leaving work and coming home.

He is not in a meeting that determines if he keeps his job because he wants to change partners and the partner objects. There is another good reason for the discipline hearing and I'm sure you know that.

It's your choice to look the other way. I've know several woman in my own family that over the years that have done just that and they avoided divorce but they didn't avoid a lifetime of emotional distress.

I suggest you get yourself into individual therapy and try to understand why you don't think you deserve better.

[Wiseman2]

The question is do YOU think your huband is taking the appropriate steps NOW to distance himself and extricate her (as much as possible) from his life?

Whether they had a thing or not before you met is irrelevant. It's also irrelevant whether she likes you or not.

What is relevant is what steps your husband has taken to prevent  unwelcome intrusions from her.

Edited October 14, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

41 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

He is not in a meeting that determines if he keeps his job because he wants to change partners and the partner objects. There is another good reason for the discipline hearing and I'm sure you know that.

^^^this.
BB
Seems to me your husband has a fleeting relationship with the truth.

[lana-banana]

You need to get at the truth. Whether this was innocent flirting that he pulled back on, or a full-blown affair that ended poorly, at some point boundaries were crossed and she feels scorned. Tell your husband you need the whole truth at once; no "trickle truthing" or lies by omission. 

I would not assume the discipline hearing is automatically proof of wrongdoing. If she did "lose it" she could have accused him of assault, other work misconduct, etc. There is an entire genre of fiction (mostly Lifetime movies) about women who are willing to destroy lives with little or no provocation, and many of us have met one or two people like that. We have even seen people on these boards who were convinced they were involved in affairs with men that scarcely spoke to them.

If everyone is serious about saving this marriage you need counseling immediately. And your husband needs to confess everything that did or didn't happen. Whatever he's afraid of telling you will be less damaging than continuing to withhold information.

[Amethyst68]

It seems to me your husband is warning you of these ridiculous affair rumours to  put you off the scent of an actual affair between him and this woman.  

How far it went between them, who knows? You say they work together for 2 days at a time though without coming home so there has to be some kind of staff quarters there. 

I'm sorry it all sounds like damage control,  including this meeting which,  I also wouldn't be surprised to find out was a disciplinary. 

I'm sorry you've had to live with this all your married life.  I guess you need to decide what you want to do going forward. 

[kismetkismet]

There's a lot going on here that needs addressing.. 

First, the fact that you two argue to the point of threatening to split up is not normal or healthy. Second, the fact that he confides in her about this is absolutely inappropriate. Third, the fact that he entertains such a close friendship with someone that actively HATES his partner, and is not afraid to show it, is very strange. If a friend of mine sent mean messages to my husband about our marriage, I would be livid and the friendship would be over.

This woman sounds unhinged, but the fact that your husband has maintained such a close relationship with her through all of this suggests he (at least passively) encouraged her behaviour. Even if there was no physical affair, their friendship combined with her behaviour is not ok. It's possible that he's lead her on emotionally and now that he's choosing you, she's going off the deep end. 

[elaine567]

Ok she may be unhinged but I believe the husband set up this whole feud. 
Why would his work partner hate a women she has never met?
Why would he tell his SO that some women at work hated her?
It makes no sense unless he was determined that both women never actually had a decent conversation with each other...
I guess he told his co-worker the same story "My wife hates you..."
Feud set up, he is safe...
Of course if the co worker is his OW, then she will hate the wife, but it is definitely in his best interests to keep these women apart.

[Amethyst68]

Honestly it sounds like their affair has been discovered by their employer and he's trying to get ahead of the game by telling the OP about the "gossip" that's suddenly sprung up in the workplace.  Now there's this meeting with management. 

Of course there's no way this kind of behaviour by your husband should have been acceptable all these years.  If he wasn't cheating then he was still allowing his friend to disrespect you and had no problem allowing it.  It should have been nipped in the bud right at the start.  I'm not saying she had to like you but he should have made sure she respected your relationship. 

[schlumpy]

When things don't make sense it's usually because I don't have the correct information or a missing part of the puzzle.

 

OP is there something you are not telling us that would make us all gasp and cry out, "Now I get it!"

[BBlaine]

It was definitely disciplinary. They have been separated from working together and honestly since this has happened he has come home much happier, he has been less grouchy and just overall a much happier person. I set up a counseling session for myself. I honestly haven't pried much more with him and figured it will all come out in due time once we go to the counselor together (or so I hope). I can say she is livid with me and apparently has said some nasty things about me to a mutual friend that I heard from who also works with them. His relationship is nixed with her and this I know for sure.