anyone else been in similar situation?

[crows5400]

been with husband for a long time, married for a few. never been with anyone else

now found myself falling for another guy. hard. nothing physical. all emotional. going to try to cut off this relationship to figure out what i want

going to try counseling for myself and marriage

there's nothing really bad about our marriage and he still wants to be together/change, but not sure if i am fulfilled or attracted to my SO anymore. Feeling very selfish but I don't want to resent my marriage. 

have had these thoughts for years, but now uncovered by this other man

advice?

 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, crows5400 said:

there's nothing really bad about our marriage and he still wants to be together/change

 

Why do you want him to change?

[schlumpy]

If you are in love with someone else then that's pretty much it.

You didn't say your husband knew.

Just value your integrity and ask for a divorce.

You will find that people will be less harsh judging you if do the right thing which is to respect the person you are married to. It's not his fault so be generous with the divorce settlement.

[mark clemson]

I don't advise people to divorce, but if you must branch out, then it probably makes sense to divorce before doing so rather than cheating. Whether it's more selfish to stay in the marriage and attempt to successfully cheat or simply divorce is IMO a matter of opinion and debate, but IF the cheating is discovered it will generally be very painful for the spouse, so you are taking the risk of hurting them even more than if you chose to divorce.

You could consider discussing opening the marriage (if you must) but keep in mind that's unlikely to work, particularly if you're "in love" with the other partner.

Ultimately any path you go is likely to be destructive, it's a matter of whether to forego your own happiness vs what you are willing to do and risks you might take. From everything I read around here, discovered affairs tend to "blow up people's lives" as thoroughly if not more thoroughly than divorces, so keep that in mind.

[Minos]

3 hours ago, crows5400 said:

3 hours ago, crows5400 said:

advice?

 

If you still have some kind of remaining love for your husband, honour him by divorcing

 

[SMoore]

My feeling is that charging straight for the divorce is a little premature, given what info we have.

Firstly imho ‘falling in love’ is natural, biological, commonplace and no guarantee of anything.  It is nature’s way of kickstarting a relationship to procreate and keep those genes alive.  The chemicals in your brain give rise to a feeling (all feelings pass by, like clouds) which has been seized on and relentlessly overplayed by western culture.  So.  That being the case, my advice would be to put those feelings into perspective.

Address what is missing in your life.  Decide whether that thing has to come from outside or from within you.  If the marriage isn’t working, you’ll know that it’s time to quit.  If you don’t know, then you don’t know.  Go to counselling, work on yourself.  Talk with your partner.  Then decide.

Just don’t throw it away because you’re caught up in the idea of romantic love, at least not before looking at the bigger picture.

None of this is easy.  Good luck.

 

[Zona]

On 10/10/2020 at 1:12 PM, crows5400 said:

not sure if i am fulfilled or attracted to my SO anymore. 

Most likely because you have fallen in love with another man. Let me guess, he's married too right?

[S2B]

Your husband (and reality) will never be capable of competing with a fantasy of an affair.

why should you get the attention of two men and your husband gets the attention of half a woman (if that!).

if YOU can’t honor YOUR marriage vows - then let your husband be free so he can find a woman to do what you haven’t been doing for him.

when you end up dealing with this OM in laws, dirty laundry and bad moods - he may not looks as attractive as he does now in your fantasy mind.

be fair to your husband - you’re cheating him out of having a faithful PARTNER.

get professional help to find out what is so broken inside of you that you would harm someone you claimed to love. Love doesn’t look like that.

[Bonifidelifelover]

I recently had a “night” w/ a friend who was on the verge of marriage & when I asked him why he was there with me when he had a beautiful fiancé he said “because things have faded”. My response was:  yeah thatS scientific! 
 

for everyone “in love” eventually fades...it sucks. However, after it does,  love is a choice From there on out! If you care enough for someone u have to do other things together to make each other fallback in love & keep the flame going & adventure & fun. If there’s nothing more going on than ur just not attracted, then I’d suggest seek counseling or find a mentor couple to help u reengage with ur spouse. Light things up again. I’m assuming “not attracted” to him means falling out of love, not necessarily that u think he’s now ugly. 

[Buffer]

Hi young lady;

How did you meet Mr wonderful?

Is he married or in a relationship as well?

Can I ask if there are any children on either sides?

Please the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Can it be you just want to experience different sexual partners?

Emotional affairs are just as hurtful to the BS as physical Affairs. You are in one now! As you have "found myself falling for another guy. hard. nothing physical. all emotional". 

Either way you should tell your BS that you have fallen for another and are wanting to pursue this; to the extent you are seriously considering D. You also have stated that he still wants to be together and change, so you have told him there is another person in this marriage. If he fully aware of your intentions will he still want to commit to remain. This would depend if he is fully told of your wants and feelings.

Just try to  cut contact with your new love interest if possible. But if he is a co worker then you might as well D now and save hubby the hurt.

One day at a time.

Buffer. 

 

[crows5400]

10 hours ago, Buffer said:

Hi young lady;

How did you meet Mr wonderful?

Is he married or in a relationship as well?

Can I ask if there are any children on either sides?

Please the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Can it be you just want to experience different sexual partners?

Emotional affairs are just as hurtful to the BS as physical Affairs. You are in one now! As you have "found myself falling for another guy. hard. nothing physical. all emotional". 

Either way you should tell your BS that you have fallen for another and are wanting to pursue this; to the extent you are seriously considering D. You also have stated that he still wants to be together and change, so you have told him there is another person in this marriage. If he fully aware of your intentions will he still want to commit to remain. This would depend if he is fully told of your wants and feelings.

Just try to  cut contact with your new love interest if possible. But if he is a co worker then you might as well D now and save hubby the hurt.

One day at a time.

Buffer. 

 

met while at work earlier this year. didnt see or talk for a while until recently. he is not in a relationship. there are no kids involved. 

i cut contact with the new love interest. i am in a lot of pain. 

[crows5400]

On 10/12/2020 at 6:25 PM, SMoore said:

My feeling is that charging straight for the divorce is a little premature, given what info we have.

Firstly imho ‘falling in love’ is natural, biological, commonplace and no guarantee of anything.  It is nature’s way of kickstarting a relationship to procreate and keep those genes alive.  The chemicals in your brain give rise to a feeling (all feelings pass by, like clouds) which has been seized on and relentlessly overplayed by western culture.  So.  That being the case, my advice would be to put those feelings into perspective.

Address what is missing in your life.  Decide whether that thing has to come from outside or from within you.  If the marriage isn’t working, you’ll know that it’s time to quit.  If you don’t know, then you don’t know.  Go to counselling, work on yourself.  Talk with your partner.  Then decide.

Just don’t throw it away because you’re caught up in the idea of romantic love, at least not before looking at the bigger picture.

None of this is easy.  Good luck.

 

this is really helpful. thank you for your kind words. i have no one to talk to about this and posting here gives me a little bit of help

[crows5400]

On 10/10/2020 at 4:30 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Why do you want him to change?

i dont want him to change, he is saying he is willing to change to make it work

i just dont feel the same about him anymore

he has not done anything to deserve this

i just have changed as a person and cannot live a lie feeling like this anymore. its not fair to anyone.

[crows5400]

16 minutes ago, crows5400 said:

met while at work earlier this year. didnt see or talk for a while until recently. he is not in a relationship. there are no kids involved. 

i cut contact with the new love interest. i am in a lot of pain. 

also, i have not told my husband about any of this. i think it would break him apart

[Harry Korsnes]

On 10/10/2020 at 10:30 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Why do you want him to change?

Bc thats what women do. They find the man of theyre dreams, then they start to change him by making him where the clothes she wants, make him cook, do the laundry, clear the snow and so on and so on. And when thats in place she kicks him out cause he's not the man he used to be 

[Harry Korsnes]

32 minutes ago, crows5400 said:

also, i have not told my husband about any of this. i think it would break him apart

You dont think your h deserves the choice to make up his own mind?

[Zona]

7 hours ago, crows5400 said:

i just have changed as a person and cannot live a lie feeling like this anymore. its not fair to anyone.

It seems to me that most women are serial monogamists, meaning that they can only be "in love" with one guy at a time. That is why in affairs, when the WW develops a new love interest, she loses feelings for her BS. 

I wouldn't doubt that the new love interest is more masculine and assertive than your husband and you find that very appealing and exciting, especially sexually.

If want to save your marriage, you may wish to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It explains how easy it is to slip into an affair and blow up your life.

And if you want to be fair to your husband, let him know that you have developed feelings for another man, and may even consider leaving him to be with the new guy if it works out. (Making a rhetorical point here to drive home the reality of what is going on).

Edited October 18, 2020 by Zona

[Bonifidelifelover]

2 hours ago, Zona said:

It seems to me that most women are serial monogamists, meaning that they can only be "in love" with one guy at a time. That is why in affairs, when the WW develops a new love interest, she loses feelings for her BS. 

I wouldn't doubt that the new love interest is more masculine and assertive than your husband and you find that very appealing and exciting, especially sexually.

If want to save your marriage, you may wish to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It explains how easy it is to slip into an affair and blow up your life.

And if you want to be fair to your husband, let him know that you have developed feelings for another man, and may even consider leaving him to be with the new guy if it works out. (Making a rhetorical point here to drive home the reality of what is going on).

I disagree. Women get caught up & torn because they are in love with two men just like men do. Men get torn & can’t choose. Both men & women are cake eaters. Men just statistically do it more. 

[Buffer]

11 hours ago, crows5400 said:

met while at work earlier this year. didnt see or talk for a while until recently. he is not in a relationship. there are no kids involved. 

i cut contact with the new love interest. i am in a lot of pain. 

I am sorry for your pain. Life isn’t fair, on you or you husband. By your comments I take it you have raised the relationship issues but obmitted the OM. It will be extremely hard for your BS to truly change in this relationship when he doesn’t know what he is up against. Competing against a fantasy with the OM. 
If you want to make the marriage work then IC for you but tell your BS the true reasons. If you want the OM, D your BS but again tell him the reason is you have feelings for the OM. If you don’t want to be married then D and remain NC with your work love as well. 
I am unsure what your location is but some work place romances can lead to termination of both parties to save off any sexual harassment claims specifically if you are his supervisor. 
Please don’t try to save your BS and pain. It will be far worse for him as you are already in a EA. If you D and he finds out a few weeks later you have met Mr Wonderful then he will have twice as much pain due to the ongoing betrayal. If the rolls were reversed you would want to know the truth. 
At the end of the day the truth will set you free and help him be with a person who truly would love him for who he is. 
One day at a time. 

[S2B]

It’s not him who needs to change. It’s you who needs to address your insecurities and need for attention.

[Zona]

10 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

I disagree. Women get caught up & torn because they are in love with two men just like men do. Men get torn & can’t choose. Both men & women are cake eaters. Men just statistically do it more. 

Yes, women can be in love with two men. That is why polyamorous relationships exist. Having said that, in the vast majority of cases here, when a woman develops feelings for someone outside the marriage, it interferes with her feelings for her husband. Happens to men too of course, but most men don't leave their wives as the result of an affair.

Cake eaters aren't necessarily in love with their spouse. They usually just treat them as roommates and stay in the relationship because they enjoy the stability and status they get from it. 

Buffer is so right about it being better if OP is honest with her husband and tells him she is in love with someone else. He may divorce her as a result, but it's inevitable anyway, and it will be far less painful than if the divorce is a result of an affair. That's where things like PTSD, suicide, or psychological problems enter the picture. Of course, an affair has already happened even if it was just deep emotional attachment, so probably too late for that in any case.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Zona

[Ellener]

On 10/10/2020 at 3:12 PM, crows5400 said:

not sure if i am fulfilled or attracted to my SO anymore.

Did you fall in a rut and get complacent? Lots of couples do. Work on finding new interests and having fun together?

You were attracted to someone else who you've cut contact with...if you work on your marriage it will soon become clear whether you can make it work together or not, but it's worth a go. 

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by Ellener
spelling

[colingrant]

On 10/10/2020 at 4:12 PM, crows5400 said:

been with husband for a long time, married for a few. never been with anyone else

now found myself falling for another guy. hard. nothing physical. all emotional. going to try to cut off this relationship to figure out what i want

going to try counseling for myself and marriage

there's nothing really bad about our marriage and he still wants to be together/change, but not sure if i am fulfilled or attracted to my SO anymore. Feeling very selfish but I don't want to resent my marriage. 

have had these thoughts for years, but now uncovered by this other man

advice?

 

Your boundaries have already been violated in your mind and because of this your husband is being compared unfavorably against your crush. Your husband will lose this battle every day and twice on Sunday. Not sure if you have kids yet, but guys you fall for, think of them as the two seater sports cars you can't wait to drive on the weekends. Whereas your husband is the family SUV with french fries in between the seats and sand in the rear cabin the kids brought in from last summers beach vacation. 

The SUV can and never will match up against the two seater, but then again the SUV which doesn't excite you is because it does everything kind of well and you're used to it. It can be used January as well as July in the northeast. It can carry everyone plus the grandparents to church. The sports car is just you and your crush where is seems as if nothing in the world is so exciting when with him. 

Your feelings for the soon to be AP (affair partner) will grow and your resentment of your husband will increase concurrently and probably has already started without you knowing about it. He shouldn't have to change no more than you should if he sees and connects with a cute female worker who's young, energetic and shapely. Here's the opposite of this.

Last year i was working on a project with a very attractive female 10 years younger than my wife and was attracted to me. She was everything my wife wasn't in some ways. Energetic, shapely, and happy all the time. She too was married with three young children. My wife was concerned about her because I thought I should tell her she had a crush on me. It was to be forthcoming to my wife. So, I invited my wife to work with us one day and it kind of intimidated her because she could see the differences between her and my coworker. 

My wife said, please let me know ahead of time if you fall in love with her. My wife could see how I or anyone else could. I'm not anyone else though. I've been through bankruptcy, foreclosure, parent deaths and a multitude of life challenges with her. These are the lifelong sustaining character events that bond people that can never be replaced by anyone on a whim. I know enough about the love my wife has for me that will never allow someone who has no such history influence me. 

Look at your husband's core character and allow your history with him to be compared against the brief history you have in someone else. If you look at it this way you will see that they guy at work can't be compared against your husband. 

[Zona]

Forgive me if I am wrong, but very high chance that you discovered you weren't attracted to your husband or in love with him anymore at the same time you connected with AP. 

[Ellener]

I wonder exactly what people mean by 'fall in love'? @crows5400

It's easy to have attraction or infatuation, isn't love something deeper? And something tested by oft-mundane reality, which will never seem as wonderful as the sparks and fantasising before an actual relationship.