Author crows5400 Posted October 20, 2020 Author Share Posted October 20, 2020 thanks everyone. any advice for how to stay sane, minimize the pain and focus on my marriage after "breaking up" with my AP? I've never experienced a break up before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 I struggle to see the dilemma here. You're married to a guy who you say you haven't wanted to be married to for years (very common from women in your position TO SAY) and giving up a guy you don't want to give up. I dont believe its selfish to leave your marriage, I believe its both selfish and unfair to have your husband believe its his fault, I believe its horrible that you want to go to marriage counseling to discuss a marriage that in your own words is nothing wrong (except you messing around with another man). Here is a solution, tell your husband the truth, doing so would very likely take the decision out of your hands. He can be the bad guy, then you can be with the guy you want to be with. Simple really 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 14 hours ago, crows5400 said: any advice for how to stay sane, minimize the pain and focus on my marriage after "breaking up" with my AP? I've never experienced a break up before. Since you have decided to stick with your marriage, going complete and total NC would be your best bet IMO. From your perspective, the other person is no longer on this planet. If you can do this successfully your own brain will "leave you alone" and not keep reminding you of them. (It will a tiny bit, but it will be MUCH less than if you keep seeing them.) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 OP, seen a lot of this in life and IMO if your choice is stay and recover the marriage in a healthy way, get some IC to do that and, once those tools are firmly in place, use MC to be transparent with your husband. Whatever the state of your M you and he share responsibility for that state; you are solely responsible for any actions of infidelity. Once you own that and, presuming he accepts the reality of your responsibility, then recovery can begin. Since you've been together a long time, figure 5-10 years of consistent focus to recover trust and health. Expect relapses to invade, neither of you are perfect. No one is. Since you've stated you've only 'been' with your H, you know monogamy. You can know it again. Good luck! 2 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author crows5400 Posted October 20, 2020 Author Share Posted October 20, 2020 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: Since you have decided to stick with your marriage, going complete and total NC would be your best bet IMO. From your perspective, the other person is no longer on this planet. If you can do this successfully your own brain will "leave you alone" and not keep reminding you of them. (It will a tiny bit, but it will be MUCH less than if you keep seeing them.) Yeah we have gone NC. Which is so hard. the other person had become one of my best friends. I'm going to try to work things out in the marriage, have already started IC and going to try MC. I just don't know what is going to get better. I've had feelings of not wanting to be in my relationship/marriage since before we got married - so I think this OM just uncovered this even further. I know I messed up, but there are many factors at play. I just don't want to resent my marriage if I continue being in it, if I'm ultimately unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Fair enough - as others are pointing out, I think reality is that you can't give your marriage the thorough assessment it presumably deserves while distracted by an affair. If you are a middle aged woman, things will not be as easy as they perhaps once were in terms of finding a new partner (should you choose to divorce and want that). However (speaking generally) that in and of itself is not reason for someone to stay in a situation where they are genuinely unhappy either. GL... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 6 hours ago, mark clemson said: If you are a middle aged woman, things will not be as easy as they perhaps once were in terms of finding a new partner (should you choose to divorce and want that). Yes, the chance of getting married after the age of 40 is 2.9% according to the latest statistics. It's only 20 percent after the age of 30. This is a problem for women who put off relationships and starting a family into their 30's while they pursued an education and career advancement. The other thing to consider is that her AP was involving himself with a married woman, which doesn't make him a candidate for being the most reliable partner long term. Very few (less than 10%) of relationships that start out as an affair are still ongoing after 5 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mia12 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 You said you have never been with someone else so I'm guessing you two have been together since you were young? I mean I think it would be normal to maybe feel those feelings never experiencing anything else. It's just if you want to lose your husband for it. I think sometimes you can regret doing this quick. I also understand feelings can change. Good luck with whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/20/2020 at 3:15 AM, crows5400 said: thanks everyone. any advice for how to stay sane, minimize the pain and focus on my marriage after "breaking up" with my AP? I've never experienced a break up before. What do YOU really want? Its like your back forth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crows5400 Posted October 26, 2020 Author Share Posted October 26, 2020 This is true. I don't know what I want yet. I am struggling between ending my marriage with a great human being vs being alone/independent with the possibility of being with someone who I found makes me happier than I have been in a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 26, 2020 Share Posted October 26, 2020 37 minutes ago, crows5400 said: This is true. I don't know what I want yet. I am struggling between ending my marriage with a great human being vs being alone/independent with the possibility of being with someone who I found makes me happier than I have been in a long time. This to me sounds like the typicle gigs syndrom. If and when you divorce i think its best to be alone for a while to find your self. Best of luck on what you diside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author crows5400 Posted October 27, 2020 Author Share Posted October 27, 2020 19 hours ago, Harry Korsnes said: This to me sounds like the typicle gigs syndrom. If and when you divorce i think its best to be alone for a while to find your self. Best of luck on what you diside. what is gigs syndrome? Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 Grass is greener syndrome 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 No point trying to work on your marriage when there is a huge elephant in the room (your boyfriend). And it's an elephant whose presence your husband can only feel, but not truly understand because you are keeping him in the dark and lying to him about it. Hopefully you have found a good IC that will get you to take a realistic view of the situation. There is no getting over these kinds of situations, only powering through and facing them head on. Best of luck to you and your husband. I hope a resolution can be found that is amenable to both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 On 10/17/2020 at 4:24 PM, crows5400 said: met while at work earlier this year. didnt see or talk for a while until recently. he is not in a relationship. there are no kids involved. i cut contact with the new love interest. i am in a lot of pain. the bolded is something that should be never said by a married person. You have effectively put your husband in a competition he doesn't even know about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 22 minutes ago, Zona said: No point trying to work on your marriage when there is a huge elephant in the room (your boyfriend). And it's an elephant whose presence your husband can only feel, but not truly understand because you are keeping him in the dark and lying to him about it. Hopefully you have found a good IC that will get you to take a realistic view of the situation. There is no getting over these kinds of situations, only powering through and facing them head on. Best of luck to you and your husband. I hope a resolution can be found that is amenable to both of you. Whats the point in working on the marriage when she has all those thaughts about the om, eaven gets angry at her h bc of them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 49 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said: Whats the point in working on the marriage when she has all those thaughts about the om, eaven gets angry at her h bc of them? The point is that she wants to try. There can be all kinds of problems in a marriage. What if it was something else, not an OM? Say, the husband had stopped taking care of himself. Would it then be not worth trying either? If she wants to try, she should try. IF she tries sufficiently (from her perspective) and it doesn't work for her, then she can be done. Not seeing how this is really so very different from any other situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said: Whats the point in working on the marriage when she has all those thaughts about the om, eaven gets angry at her h bc of them? Good point. She should focus solely on working on herself, because it sounds like the marriage is fine and he is a decent guy. The fact that she seeks validation from men outside her marriage could be a sign of some issues she might not even be aware of. Never an excuse to cheat though regardless. Edited October 27, 2020 by Zona 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 27 minutes ago, mark clemson said: The point is that she wants to try. There can be all kinds of problems in a marriage. What if it was something else, not an OM? Say, the husband had stopped taking care of himself. Would it then be not worth trying either? If she wants to try, she should try. IF she tries sufficiently (from her perspective) and it doesn't work for her, then she can be done. Not seeing how this is really so very different from any other situation. Ok so they work on for a year or so and she still has the om in her thought? Eaven if he "cganges" still not fair for him. I think she should set him free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, Zona said: Good point. She should focus solely on working on herself, because it sounds like the marriage is fine and he is a decent guy. The fact that she seeks validation from men outside her marriage could be a sign of some issues she might not even be aware of. Never an excuse to cheat though regardless. Then she is'nt honest with her self or her husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 33 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said: Ok so they work on for a year or so and she still has the om in her thought? Eaven if he "cganges" still not fair for him. I think she should set him free. I suppose that would be one possibility, but again it's not so different. If it was some other issue, the husband might "change" but she might still decide to leave anyhow. That's really always possible, right? You're entitled to your view that she should let him go. I'm just not seeing how the OM is relevant. If she hadn't cut the OM out of her life it might be a different story, but she did. Not every attempt at "working things out" succeeds, xOM or no, that's just life. OP has made her choice to try - I guess I'm just not seeing the logic of suggesting she second guess that. It may or may not work - that's how it always is. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 22 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I suppose that would be one possibility, but again it's not so different. If it was some other issue, the husband might "change" but she might still decide to leave anyhow. That's really always possible, right? You're entitled to your view that she should let him go. I'm just not seeing how the OM is relevant. If she hadn't cut the OM out of her life it might be a different story, but she did. Not every attempt at "working things out" succeeds, xOM or no, that's just life. OP has made her choice to try - I guess I'm just not seeing the logic of suggesting she second guess that. It may or may not work - that's how it always is. 24 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I suppose that would be one possibility, but again it's not so different. If it was some other issue, the husband might "change" but she might still decide to leave anyhow. That's really always possible, right? You're entitled to your view that she should let him go. I'm just not seeing how the OM is relevant. If she hadn't cut the OM out of her life it might be a different story, but she did. Not every attempt at "working things out" succeeds, xOM or no, that's just life. OP has made her choice to try - I guess I'm just not seeing the logic of suggesting she second guess that. It may or may not work - that's how it always is. I still the honesty is messing. How dose he know what to do when hes in the dark? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 21 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said: I still the honesty is messing. How dose he know what to do when hes in the dark? Sure, I guess if there's changes she wants to see in him she should/could in theory communicate that. I'm actually thinking OP might be better served by simply letting him be himself, and she can decide if that's who she actually wants to be married to. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 9 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Sure, I guess if there's changes she wants to see in him she should/could in theory communicate that. I'm actually thinking OP might be better served by simply letting him be himself, and she can decide if that's who she actually wants to be married to. Ecactly! Me and the wife had that talk last night in bed. She felt that i've been distant latly, maybe i have and can admit that, And tkda 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 Just now, Harry Korsnes said: Ecactly! Me and the wife had that talk last night in bed. She felt that i've been distant latly, maybe i have and can admit that, And today were best friends and lovers. Honesty wins!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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