Caught lying but still denying

[B100]

I’ve been married for about 10 years and have 2 kids. Recently I have felt that something wasn’t right in our relationship. I would notice her staying late after work and always getting calls at about the same time everyday from a blocked # and also making runs to a store about 5 minutes away but being gone for 30-40 minutes. I checked the phone bill and noticed calls coming in while she was away and there was always a long call. I confronted her on this and she said it was a friend or a sister but I said when they call I can always see there #’s. Argument ensued and it was forgotten.
So A few days later when I went out with my kids I left my watch at home to record voice. She had a call come in and she proceeded to answer in a very flirty voice and made plans to meet up with this person, she was very happy that he called and honestly I have never heard her talk in that voice. When I confronted her and made her listen which she had no interest in doing, She at first said it was her brother calling but she eventually told me it was a co-worker that called. She’s saying he called but they didn’t meet up, I’m ready to see a divorce lawyer, not sure how I can get her to admit meeting up? It’s literally right in the recording but she deny’s meeting up. We’ve been arguing for 2 days and I’m absolutely crushed, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

thanks everyone 

[DKT3]

there is this misconception that one needs proof of an affair.  There isn't a need as long as you know. From the sounds of it, you know.

In your shoes I would personally move right to the divorce process.  Having been in your shoes and playing the find proof/wait for honesty game its a waste of time and energy.  

The divorce process is long and can be stopped at any time.  It shows that you are not going to play games and forces your unfaithful partner to make a decision.  

[B100]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

there is this misconception that one needs proof of an affair.  There isn't a need as long as you know. From the sounds of it, you know.

In your shoes I would personally move right to the divorce process.  Having been in your shoes and playing the find proof/wait for honesty game its a waste of time and energy.  

The divorce process is long and can be stopped at any time.  It shows that you are not going to play games and forces your unfaithful partner to make a decision.  

Thanks for the response, it’s been tough dealing with this over the last few days and will probably only get tougher especially with the kids.

[schlumpy]

DKT3 is absolutely right. Divorce is the only leverage you have. If she won't respond to that then you don't have a marriage to save.

Find out if her coworker has a wife or SO and get her in the loop. Don't threaten your wife with this. Either do it or don't do it.

But marriage counseling will not work if she is in an affair and the quickest way to blow them up is to out the cheaters to the world.

She will not respond to words. She will only respond to consequences.

You will know how proceed by her response to your actions.

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Just get a consultation with the attorney. You don't need to get her to admit to anything for that.

If you are  afraid to divorce and still in denial, playing detective won't help. Divorces don't need grounds and wasting time and money on detective games will have no bearing on your divorce or child support payments.

If you want to damage your kids and make a game out of your marriage, sure get a bunch of spying gizmos and become obsessed with that rather than focusing on being a good dad and either getting divorced or getting into marriage therapy.

Keep in mind, catch a cheater is a huge money making industry now. PIs, gizmos etc. Almost as stupid as those get your ex back scams

Edited October 11, 2020 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

What you do you want to do?  

If you are just done & this was the straw that broke the camel's back just go to the divorce lawyer. 

If you think you want to try to save your marriage you have to be straight with her.  Tell her how hurt & betrayed you feel.  Ask her if she wants a divorce.  If she says no tell her what has to happen next which probably has to include MC, her cutting contact with him even if that means getting a new job,, full transparency & hard to work to get your marriage back on track.  If she balks at any of that you need to see that lawyer.  

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, B100 said:

Thanks for the response, it’s been tough dealing with this over the last few days and will probably only get tougher especially with the kids.

I agree with consulting the divorce lawyer. The fact that your wife lied to you despite you having evidence that you had her listen to, shows me that she has no remorse about her affair. Does she? Or is she still in denial of the truth and trying to deflect her guilt on to you with verbally attacking you instead? 

If you want to save the marriage as d0nnivain asked, then you need to be direct with your wife and tell her how her affair with her coworker has affected you and what your goals are with your relationship with her (marriage counseling or divorce etc). Her response will give you all the information you need, to move forward with the divorce lawyer or with marriage counseling. 

That had to be awful, having your suspicions confirmed by your watch recording your wife’s flirty phone call. 

[salparadise]

If she's lying directly in the face of the evidence –– as opposed to coming clean and asking forgiveness –– that tells you all you need to know. She is thinking that you are powerless and all she has to do is continue the denial. She's doubling down and disrespecting you, the family, and everything except the affair... basically saying, "so, whatcha going to do about it." What you do is file for divorce, and out her and the affair partner. Have her served at work, tell her parents, inform the affair partner's spouse if he's married. You may not feel ready such a short time after the discovery, but this is your next move if she's not trying to save it. I'm really sorry for what you must be going through. I know it must be one of the most difficult things you've had to face. But if she's not able to be honest and truly remorseful, there is nothing here to save and it leaves you no choice. 

[mark clemson]

On 10/11/2020 at 8:55 AM, salparadise said:

 Have her served at work

This may not be such a great idea. I know someone who was served at work, their new boss took the opportunity to clean house, and naturally this affected the spousal support payments. I suspect this tactic was devised by unscrupulous attorneys to generate (even more) animosity between divorcing spouses, so they are happier to spend money on (pricey) court motions, etc to attempt to extract revenge via the legal system.

Many divorces are highly negative situations. Think first before acting. That also goes for telling the AP's partner. Some see it as a moral imperative to notify them and/or reasonably note that it's likely to help end the affair. Others feel it's better to "stay out of other people's lives". To be fair, he didn't stay out of your life, at least indirectly. But my point is, only do stuff you will be able to live with later on. Some people would (in the long term) have guilt over informing, others would not.

While this is NOT a recommendation, it's also possible, in a few states, to sue an AP (that would be your wife) if there is a divorce. Talk to a lawyer about that as well. For example, IF you wanted to stay together, but they divorced, his wife could in theory sue her (and thus you) in those states.

Of course, the converse would be true and, if you divorced and had court-admissible evidence of the affair, in those states you could presumably sue the other guy IF you felt it made sense to. It would presumably make more financial sense to do this BEFORE he initiated divorced (if you were to contemplate doing this at all). So consider carefully what makes sense for your specific situation as well as what is right for you. By the way, to be absolutely clear, I'm in no way recommending that anyone sue anyone else. All that would have to be a personal decision.

You should realize there is at least a reasonable chance your wife will come crawling back to you. Whether you would want her back is of course another matter. "Love is blind" and, like it or not, many affairs are a form of love. Right now she may well be thinking of a "wonderful" future with this other guy. These idealizations tend to come crashing down when they come up against reality, particularly if, when push comes to shove, the other guy ultimately doesn't choose her. From everything I read around here that's by far the more typical end result.

Final note: in my personal opinion is, if a divorce is inevitable, going to negotiation as quickly as possible is often the wisest move from many perspectives.

Edited October 12, 2020 by mark clemson

[schlumpy]

53 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Final note: in my personal opinion is, if a divorce is inevitable, going to negotiation as quickly as possible is often the wisest move from many perspectives.

Exactly. They may be feeling very generous while under the influence of affair fog. 

[vla1120]

You've got your evidence and know that she lied to you. Now you need to decide where you want to go with this. Do you want to save your marriage? You'll need marriage counseling. Even if you decide to try marriage counseling, prepare to be trickle-truthed. If she also wants to save the marriage, she has to be honest with you, but usually, they just toss a little truth in your direction now and then to get you off their back. You may never know the full truth. I agree with notifying the other wife. Back when my husband cheated on me with my best friend, I never involved her husband. I regret that to this day. I feel like I let the two of them get away with it (especially since I stayed for 18 long years after they were caught.)

Do not act in anger or haste. Make sure all your responses are calculated and planned. Also, do not leave the marital home. Depending on what state you live in, that could have an adverse effect on you moving forward. Stay in your home with your children.

[notbroken]

Definitely see an attorney asap.  Do NOT have her served at work - you want her to have a job.   

If you want to divorce, then do it as quickly and fairly as you can.  Never 'bash' your wife to your kids.  It is not good for them in any way. 

If you want a chance at reconciling, don't 'pull any punches'.  Tell your wife you know she is having an affair and ask if she wants to choose you or the other person.  Tell her you won't play the 'pick me game' and she has to decide right now.   If she is noncommittal in ANY way, then tell her it is decided then.   People here are correct - the faster you divorce the better as far as your settlement goes.  Divorce her before the serious anger settles in (and it will).  Your history will be rewritten and you will be the worst guy on the planet to justify what she has done. 

You may wonder if you really have proof but you know deep down it is true.  She is cheating.  Classic behavior.  You don't need pictures of her in bed with someone.  You know.  Act accordingly.   Whatever you do, do something.  Nothing will be seen as a sign of acceptance and weakness. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by notbroken