Partner talks with ex almost every day

[Hannah77]

Hi all, hoping for some outside input as I'm struggling. My partner (let's call him L) and I have been together almost 2 years. L told me straight up he had a 6 year old son with his ex, we'll call her Q. L didn't mention he was still married to Q, I found after we'd been together for months. I asked and he admitted they were married and said he hadn't thought to mention it and didn't plan on getting divorced as neither of them saw the point (they'd been living separately for a while at this point). He was dismissive of my feelings about this. 

A year into my relationship with him he was still married to Q, had lots of joint assets/accounts, talked almost every day, etc. He slept at the place they owned together occasionally, would send me pictures of them doing stuff together, endlessly talk about her including that she was attractive, interesting and intelligent. Last year the two of them attended a family event together with the child and extended family, I was not invited. A second event happened shortly after that he and Q went to, that I was not invited to. I raised multiple times that I found how close they were uncomfortable. 

Communication between them seemed to slow down after a while and he stopped talking about her as much, and I don't think he slept at her place after that. He later admitted he had been hiding talking with her from me as he didn't like my response and that they still talked all the time. Sometimes we'd be lying together in bed and he'd talk to her on the phone about random things, or when we were out at dinner. In the last couple of months he has made some significant changes. He proceeded with the divorce, and now has separate accounts for some things. He still has other joint assets with her. I feel as though he's listening to my concerns but nothing is changing with regards to contact. She calls almost every day and texts multiple times, all of which he answers/responds to. He agrees that it's a lot but still answers every time. She's occasionally rude to me and he defends her. I fully support them having an amicable relationship and talking about their child not only when necessary but whenever would be helpful. But he's admitted most conversations aren't about the child. In the past he has admitted to prioritising her feelings over mine, but says he doesn't do that any longer (I feel as though he does). 

Also, L's family bought a major gift for Q and he said nothing, despite being uncomfortable with it. Recently I met a friend of his, let's call them K. When I met K he didn't even know my name, but K tagged the Q in social media posts. Every time Q calls it makes me feel disheartened and uncomfortable in my relationship. He knows all this and I hate the person I'm becoming- I feel like I nag him and cry about this all the time. But I don't know what to do. My relationship with him is otherwise great. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated!

Edited October 13, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mystery4u]

Why have you put up with this for so long?

You are his side girl, his bit on the side. His 'ex' is his main girl still.

He does not care about you or respect you one bit.

What you need to do is end things ASAP and find someone that actually appreciates you for you. He does not.

[Fletch Lives]

Even though he may be getting a divorce, he's still very attached to his wife and still basically married.

In short, he's still married and you are the other woman, and it will probably always be like this unless you get smart and get out.

Find a single guy to date.

[ajequals]

Hannah. You need to dump this bum and find a nice single guy just for you. someone that respects you. which you certainly are not getting now ...WOW. change you phone number Tomorrow and move on

[astutise]

Hell no you are not being unreasonable! HE very much is, though. You should not have to be putting up with that at all! That goes way beyond them having an 'amicable relationship'. If the shoe was on the other foot, he definitely would not like it. 

I agree, I'd get out. You've voiced your concerns, many times it sounds like, he's done nothing to change it which shows he doesn't respect or care about your wellbeing as much as what he/his ex-wife wants. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't fathom why you are still with this guy. 

Get rid of him. He's still in love with his ex-wife. 

[assertives]

5 hours ago, Hannah77 said:

He told me he didn't have a problem with them being married so neither should I. 

Should have dumped him there and then seriously. This totally screams to me that you and your feelings don't matter and that you should suck it up. Don't settle for less. Find a single man who'll at least give a rat's ass about you to date. You'll be much happier. Life's too short even with the right guy. Don't squander it away on him.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Hannah77 said:

. L told me straight up he had a 6 year old son with his ex, we'll call her Q. L didn't mention he was still married to Q, I found after we'd been together for months. I asked and he admitted they were married and said he hadn't thought to mention it and didn't plan on getting divorced as neither of them saw the point (they'd been living separately for a while at this point). He told me he didn't have a problem with them being married so neither should I. 

The minute you found out he was still married was the minute you should have walked.  Nothing good comes of dating guys who are still tangled up with an ex, especially to the extent this guy is.
All the rest of the nonsense is your own fault. I don't know what you were/are thinking.
There is no happy ever after for you here.
Stop crying and nagging and think about this sensibly.
He will not ditch her, she is the mother of his child, he doesn't WANT what you want.
He HAS to be friends with her so they can parent well together.
He likes being friends with his ex.

BUT neither he nor his parents take you seriously. One day, if and when he gets over Q, he will start looking for a woman both he and his family will see as real wife material.
You are the rebound, the filler gf, the doormat that he wipes his feet on, the girl who will put up with just about anything as no doubt you love him.
You have chosen to hitch your wagon to a very poor choice of a steed.
Get out before your self esteem takes a big nose dive...

[d0nnivain]

Your relationship with him isn't great.  You are the OW & will always be.  If you are OK with that, which you don't see to be, fine.  Since you are upset you either have to convince him to file for divorce on Tuesday when the court's open or you have to break up with him.  Your relationship with him is a joke.