Am I overreacting or is he being disrespectful?

[ohoh]

I am so mad about this right now. We've been dating for a long time but we see each other only on weekends. Sometimes not even then. He works a lot and it's complicated. 

He came to my house on Friday for 5 minutes and said he is going to see his friends and came back late at night while i was already asleep. 

On Saturday I thought we were spending a day together, but he was seeing his friends again and came back late at night again. Saying we will spend Sunday together. 

On Sunday morning he said he had to go to work. He's sorry. 

I could have made other plans for myself this weekend but I didn't because of him. This happened many times before and we talked about this but no use.

I didn't want to cause a fight so I pretended everything is ok. But I am so mad about this. Should I be understanding and not make a big deal?

Or am I right that I feel used by him just to have a place to sleep over and do what he wants without spending any quality time with me?

 

[schlumpy]

He will never learn to respect that your time is important if you roll over and pretend it's OK.

He can't read your mind and he has demonstrated that he does not have the ability to see things from your point of view.

The only way to get your point across is consequences for his actions and even then you might not change him if this is just who he is.

My approach when explanations fall on deaf ears is to feed back the same crap someone is trying to feed me. They usually get the message - if there is some discomfort involved.

Plan something really nice for the weekend. Something that he can look forward to and dwell on all week and then at the last minute cancel because your friends need you to come over and help paint the living room.

That sometimes gets the point across but also can put a knife into to your relationship. Depends on what type of person you are and your personality.

How important is this issue to you?

[Wiseman2]

Why do you allow him to come to your house at all after he's out with "friends"?

You need to end it. Slithering back into your house while you are sleeping after he's been out with friends is not dating.

It sounds like he thinks of this as just hookups but you think you're dating.

If you were dating he would be happy to go out with you and socialize with you

Dump him.🗑️

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, ohoh said:

I didn't want to cause a fight so I pretended everything is ok.

Why would you do that? 

Part of the reason he keeps treating your house like a hotel is that you let him.  If you are upset  you need to speak up.  You can't sit there & expect him to read your mind.  

Telling him what your expectations are doesn't have to cause a fight. Be diplomatic but firm.  

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, ohoh said:

I didn't want to cause a fight so I pretended everything is ok. But I am so mad about this. Should I be understanding and not make a big deal?

Here is your second problem, stifling your real feelings to please your boyfriend so that he stays with you and doesn’t get mad at you. 

But your first problem is him and the way he treats you so dismissively; as if your home is a hotel he can just come and go as he pleases and your there when he needs some physical fun. 

I don’t know how old you are. But you can’t “pretend away” problems in your relationships. Plenty of people do that, hoping that the problems will just go away on their own but that’s not how life works unfortunately. You have to be a grown up and deal with your problems. 

If you don’t like the way he is using you — and he is using you — then you have to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. You have to tell him how his actions make you feel. Since he is already dismissive of your feelings the way he makes plans with you but then just goes and does his own thing with his friends instead, you need to ask yourself why that is ok for a man to treat you that way. Why do you think that is ok? Why do you allow it? 

 

Edited October 11, 2020 by Watercolors

[Fletch Lives]

Cut off sex and he'll ask you what's wrong....... then you tell him.

No date, no sex.

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Cut off sex and he'll ask you what's wrong....... then you tell him.

No date, no sex.

Exactly.   OP as to your thread title, yes this is complete disrespect.   Once maybe one can look past, but this is a normal pattern of behavior for him?  BS I wouldn't put up with it.  In fact, I would move on.

[Ruby Slippers]

He obviously doesn't value you much. When a man really likes you, he makes it a priority to spend quality time with you. I'd move on from this. He's showing you very clearly that you don't mean much to him. I'd much rather be single than have some guy making me feel blah like this.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/11/2020 at 3:35 AM, ohoh said:

I am so mad about this right now. We've been dating for a long time but we see each other only on weekends. Sometimes not even then. He works a lot and it's complicated. 

He came to my house on Friday for 5 minutes and said he is going to see his friends and came back late at night while i was already asleep. 

On Saturday I thought we were spending a day together, but he was seeing his friends again and came back late at night again. Saying we will spend Sunday together. 

On Sunday morning he said he had to go to work. He's sorry. 

I could have made other plans for myself this weekend but I didn't because of him. This happened many times before and we talked about this but no use.

I didn't want to cause a fight so I pretended everything is ok. But I am so mad about this. Should I be understanding and not make a big deal?

Or am I right that I feel used by him just to have a place to sleep over and do what he wants without spending any quality time with me?

 

Let me guess, he still manages to have time for physical intimacy.

[LuckyM]

It looks to me he is brushing you off. Did you do or say something to him ? Or not do something? You are not overreacting. I would be mad too. Guys go off for a reason and not the reasons he gives you