Life can be so cruel

[JiltedJane]

I have never had the best dating life.

But four months ago, i thought every changed. My work friend of four years (who was also my crush) confessed that he also had a crush on me the last four years and had been trying to tell me multiple times. Ive never had a crush reciprocate those feelings before.

Before we dated, we discussed what our goals were. I told him I wanted kids. He said he wasn't so sure but if we ended up together he would make sure we had them. We only dated four months, but yesterday he ended it saying his feelings for me were only getting stronger but with that the realization that he definitely did not want them and he did not want to take that away from me. I then asked why he dated me in the first place and said something like "I've just liked you so much for years that i tried to convince myself I wanted kids too".

We literally held each other and held hands  on my couch and bed for 21 hours straight, him telling me how much he likes me, more than likes me, and this is the only thing keeping us apart. Literally 21 hours, except for bathroom breaks. We just kept talking about how unfair this is. He wouldn't let me go and did not try to have sex with me or kiss me. He begged me not to ghost him. I kept asking why he would stay here if he wanted to end it ad he kept saying because he really didnt want it to end. When he finally left it was the most mentally/emotionally painful hug. Hes texted me

And now here i am crying my eyes out and venting on this site. Over someone I only dated for 4 months. For the first time in years, I actually felt happy. Genuinely happy and thought I was finally falling for the right one. I wish I didnt want kids, my life would be so much easier. The worst part is, hes not even a bad guy. It would make it so much easier if i hated him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. He seems like a stand up guy for leveling with you after deliberating  his real feelings on it and did not want to string you along.

[Happy Lemming]

Yes... I've been in the same boat. 

I was dating a really great woman, but she wanted kids.  She was approaching her mid-thirties and wanted to know if I was done being nomadic and ready to plant roots.  She thought I was a "great guy" but desperately wanted to be a mother. 

I was honest and told her that I didn't know. I added that I had this nomadic gene in my DNA and couldn't guarantee her that I was ready to stay put.  So we parted ways...  

She did find another guy and got married.  I don't know if she had kids or not.  I can only assume that she did. 

I hope she found the happiness (in being a mother) that she sought out.

[assertives]

It's good that he loves you enough to not hold you back from your desires of being a mother. l would say, instead of seeing it as life being cruel, you could see it as it being kind to you as you met someone like him instead. I've come across people who met men who intentionally lied and tricked the women they wanted and then went on to wear out their biological clock so that she can't have kids anyway and so won't leave them.

[Blind-Sided]

You need to ask yourself..... can you be happy without kids?  That would be the only way to make it work.   I have a set of friends going back to when we were kids.  They got together... "He" didn't want kids... "She" did.   But at an early age, SHE didn't care.  Well... they were together for several years... and she still wanted kids, and he didn't.  They broke up for a little while, and when I was talking to my friend... I asked her... "Can you be happy without kids, be be with the man you love?"  After a while she decided that she could, and they got married.   Years went past, and she confided in me about how she started to resent him because "He forced her into this situation."   I told her it was all her choice, and she needs to find a way to vent before it kills her, and her marriage.   Well... eventually, she found an outlet. (helping a lot with her sister's kids) and they are happy.  I think they are at the 25 year mark.... and 30 years together total. 

Anyway... you can be happy... but only if you truly can live a different path. 

[lovebooks]

I never wanted kids.  I taught elementary school in my early working life and I hated it when the kids would grab my arm and hold on.  Once I got married I had a child.  It changed me.  I ended up having another after 2 years so as to allow them to be close in age.  I'm so glad I had them.  Your friend should look into why he is so against having children.  Kids will change the relationship but every household is different.  

Edited October 13, 2020 by lovebooks
To add more information.

[Watercolors]

I agree. He respects you enough to be straightforward with you at 4 months. He helped you learn to feel safe enough to really open yourself up to a romantic partner. Wouldn’t you rather be with a man who wants children too? 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Happened with me as well. The women I dated wanted child as soon as she hit her early 30 she left me to have a family and I think she has 2 kids now. We still talk at times.  Yeah life is cruel. Kids are not only something couples disagree upon there are many other things that might make you consider whether to stay in a relationship or no. Jobs family sometimes couples just grew apart. I m sorry for what you are going through but be glad it happened now so it didnt happened later on. You have invested less in this man and recovery will be easy.  Next time search a man who wants children to avoid complications 

[JiltedJane]

He’s texted me every day saying he’s been thinking about me and how much he hates this situation. He keeps asking to see me on our mutual day off. I know he’s not trying to make me a fwb. I’m just so confused as to deal with this or with what’s going on in his head/emotions. Usually I’m ghosted by the guy and I always disappear when a relationship ends.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/11/2020 at 1:08 PM, JiltedJane said:

I have never had the best dating life.

But four months ago, i thought every changed. My work friend of four years (who was also my crush) confessed that he also had a crush on me the last four years and had been trying to tell me multiple times. Ive never had a crush reciprocate those feelings before.

Before we dated, we discussed what our goals were. I told him I wanted kids. He said he wasn't so sure but if we ended up together he would make sure we had them. We only dated four months, but yesterday he ended it saying his feelings for me were only getting stronger but with that the realization that he definitely did not want them and he did not want to take that away from me. I then asked why he dated me in the first place and said something like "I've just liked you so much for years that i tried to convince myself I wanted kids too".

We literally held each other and held hands  on my couch and bed for 21 hours straight, him telling me how much he likes me, more than likes me, and this is the only thing keeping us apart. Literally 21 hours, except for bathroom breaks. We just kept talking about how unfair this is. He wouldn't let me go and did not try to have sex with me or kiss me. He begged me not to ghost him. I kept asking why he would stay here if he wanted to end it ad he kept saying because he really didnt want it to end. When he finally left it was the most mentally/emotionally painful hug. Hes texted me

And now here i am crying my eyes out and venting on this site. Over someone I only dated for 4 months. For the first time in years, I actually felt happy. Genuinely happy and thought I was finally falling for the right one. I wish I didnt want kids, my life would be so much easier. The worst part is, hes not even a bad guy. It would make it so much easier if i hated him.

 

There was another such poster here, in the not-long-ago past...   and it seemed so similar, where kids was the only subject causing their break-up.

But it is such a clear, concrete, and black-and-white thing (to those who prepare in advance, rather than merely being ***surprised*** and caused to change their desires in an instant).

 

You might find some other, similar threads here from not long ago, which could be a useful read.

 

 

[JiltedJane]

Where do I find this link?

[Ruby Slippers]

It was irresponsible, immature, and unfair of him to say he'd have kids with you then renege on it a few months in. But it's better than being chained to a bad husband and father, or being a struggling single mom.

There's no point in seeing him again. He's made up his mind and it wouldn't do anybody good for him to move forward with something he doesn't really want. 

There are lots of men out there who want a family. I've had relationships exclusively with men who want families. You'll get past this and meet a better match.

[Ellener]

I kind-of forced my husband to have a child with me, and all that happened was my son grew up without a father.

And at first his father really tried, he just wasn't cut out for caring. 

If someone is telling you they don't want children you should listen and believe them. 

 

[RevengeOfTheCuck]

Have you even asked him why he doesn't want kids?

[JiltedJane]

He just doesn’t think he’d be a good dad. Says the expense and the responsibility scares him, which is frankly something that has made me question if I want them or not. He also has health issues. 
the thing that sucks is I may never be able to have kids. I don’t ovulate and nothing I’ve tried regulates me. I’ve had three doctors say I’ll never get pregnant naturally.

so years from now, I can still be childless and single.

I’m  almost 36. Everyone I’ve met online is either looking exclusively for sex or is severely desperate. At this point anyone I’ve met who is worth dating doesn’t want marriage, kids, or both. 
 

he’s the first guy I’ve been with since high school who wasn’t a commitment phobe, didn’t have substance abuse issues, wasn’t ashamed to introduce me to his friends, and had shared interests with me. Best of all he was a friend for years who still liked me even when I wasn’t acting my best. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by JiltedJane

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

He just doesn’t think he’d be a good dad. Says the expense and the responsibility scares him, which is frankly something that has made me question if I want them or not. He also has health issues. 
the thing that sucks is I may never be able to have kids. I don’t ovulate and nothing I’ve tried regulates me. I’ve had three doctors say I’ll never get pregnant naturally.

so years from now, I can still be childless and single.

How old are you? How old is he? So now you are saying he doesn't want kids and you can't have kids?

[JiltedJane]

I’m almost 36. He’s 34.
 

It’s both. He doesn’t want them. I do want them-but it’ll never happen naturally. If I want to get pregnant it’ll be a huge science experiment. I need someone who’s willing to go through that with me or adopt.

Like I said before, most men I meet at this point don’t want kids or marriage. I’ll admit, I’ve met two men who did and both were completely against both Ivf or adoption. They didn’t want the expense and the one said very sternly “ I’m having my own kids- no exceptions.” Both these men were extremely desperate and controlling. One was bisexual and had a massive coke problem and  didn’t want to have sex with me because he thought vaginas were gross and was scared of the “me too” movement. The other was a former marine and recovering heroin addict. Both wanted to marry me within a few months of dating, but they wanted 100% control of the wedding to the point that they both wanted to pick out my dress so I didn’t embarrass them....

it’s just scary because I may be losing a potential great relationship because of something I may never have in the long run.

Edited October 14, 2020 by JiltedJane

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

I don’t ovulate and nothing I’ve tried regulates me. I’ve had three doctors say I’ll never get pregnant naturally.

so years from now, I can still be childless and single.

Are these specialists or just general doctors?
You need to consult an expert, someone who can give you an up to date, accurate assessment of your realistic chances of having a child and what it would really entail.

You then need to think this all out objectively and decide whether it is better to remain childless with this guy or to take your chances.
All very well to hold onto dreams but if realistically they will always just be dreams, then you need to face up to that.
Seems a shame to end this relationship, if having a child may not be possible for you anyway. 

[JiltedJane]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Are these specialists or just general doctors?
You need to consult an expert, someone who can give you an up to date, accurate assessment of your realistic chances of having a child and what it would really entail.

You then need to think this all out objectively and decide whether it is better to remain childless with this guy or to take your chances.
All very well to hold onto dreams but if realistically they will always just be dreams, then you need to face up to that.
Seems a shame to end this relationship, if having a child may not be possible for you anyway. 

All specialists, including the team I got my eggs frozen with last year.

plus I’m a women’s health nurse practitioner so I’ve been monitoring myself

[Azincourt]

On 10/11/2020 at 9:08 PM, JiltedJane said:

I have never had the best dating life.

But four months ago, i thought every changed. My work friend of four years (who was also my crush) confessed that he also had a crush on me the last four years and had been trying to tell me multiple times. Ive never had a crush reciprocate those feelings before.

Before we dated, we discussed what our goals were. I told him I wanted kids. He said he wasn't so sure but if we ended up together he would make sure we had them. We only dated four months, but yesterday he ended it saying his feelings for me were only getting stronger but with that the realization that he definitely did not want them and he did not want to take that away from me. I then asked why he dated me in the first place and said something like "I've just liked you so much for years that i tried to convince myself I wanted kids too".

We literally held each other and held hands  on my couch and bed for 21 hours straight, him telling me how much he likes me, more than likes me, and this is the only thing keeping us apart. Literally 21 hours, except for bathroom breaks. We just kept talking about how unfair this is. He wouldn't let me go and did not try to have sex with me or kiss me. He begged me not to ghost him. I kept asking why he would stay here if he wanted to end it ad he kept saying because he really didnt want it to end. When he finally left it was the most mentally/emotionally painful hug. Hes texted me

And now here i am crying my eyes out and venting on this site. Over someone I only dated for 4 months. For the first time in years, I actually felt happy. Genuinely happy and thought I was finally falling for the right one. I wish I didnt want kids, my life would be so much easier. The worst part is, hes not even a bad guy. It would make it so much easier if i hated him.

 

Yeah, lots of relationships end for that reason. He or she wants kids and their partner doesn't, so the relationship loses it's legs and everything falls apart. You know,  just because you want something doesn't mean you have to get it.

I don't want kids. Logically, I don't.  My hormones do tell me to reproduce and these days instead of imagining what the women I'm attracted to look like naked, I find myself picturing what would ''our'' kid look like if I got this or that woman pregnant and raised the kid,  but you can easily enough control yourself, if you want to.

I know that kids are extremely expensive, they might grow up to become bad apples no matter how good of a father I am, and there's always the risk the baby might be born with health problems or develop them over time, and then it's whole lotta mess dealing with that and all that wasted money and emotional attachment. My life is much cheaper and much better on my own without a wife, a domestic wife, and even better without kids in my life, biological or adopted sons.

There's also the climate change argument, the planet's ever increasing overpopulation,  the world's economy falling apart every 2 years, how the cost of living goes up every year and wages have been stagnant for 10+ years, while houses in the middle of a city of 50 people have grown to cost hundreds of thousands of dollars,  and when you think about how you need to go to college for a phD in Nuclear science just to work as a janitor etc etc and you begin to think to yourself,

''hmmm do I really want to have kids? What can  I give to a kid that someone else can't? 

Do I have something worthwile to pass on, like a house already paid for, land that is worth hundreds of thousands, Amazon/Apple/Microsoft/Starbucks stock, that will make my kid rich enough to be able to not end up homeless because he lost his job and can't find one within the next 3 months or he broke his wrist and doesn't have health insurance?''

If you think about it in those terms, how you probably don't really want kids, that it's your hormones and biological impulses to have children which is the cause for wanting to give birth to kids when the fact is, getting pregnant and giving birth is still highly dangerous in first world nations, not to mention all the health problems that will be life-lasting that many, many women will suffer from by getting pregnant and giving birth, and you start wondering if you really want to have kids at all.

Most of the women I know who have kids are terribly unhappy, worn out, always tired, and they look much older than their real age. All of the women I know who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s+ without kids are far happier and their life is pretty good.

You'll never hear from a father or from a father how much they dislike their kids, and how much they regret becoming parents, because that's not acceptable by society, but if you get paid to serve people their drinks, it doesn't take long before the midnight confession comes along.

In any case, that's me!

If you want to have kids, go ahead, there's plenty of guys out there who'd love to become fathers. You just need to find the right guy.

[Beachead]

Hello @JiltedJane,

I am sorry for what you went through.  Your past ex-boyfriends were terrible.  This guy was a drastic improvement.  This should tell you that there are better guys out there.  This is hope.  

This man knows what he wants and he's relatively clear about it.  I think he went for the relationship with you because he did like you and he did hope his mind could be changed about things.   It obviously didn't, but that doesn't have anything to do with your quality as a partner, but rather his own criteria.  There are reasons for the choices people make and it often has much more to do with them, than you.  So don't blame yourself if you are.   Fortunately, this split happened 4 months in and not 4 years in.  

So overall, although I know you're absolutely devastated by this, it might be worth to see that you still got to experience a relationship with guy whom you had an attraction for, for years, and got that "What if" question answered.  Now you know it wouldn't have worked out and now you know to move forward.  

Regarding his contact you these days, I think he's letting his anxiety get the better of him, and is not looking out for your best interests there.  I think it's best you let him know that the both of you should part ways, and then cut all channels of communication out.   The reason being is, he has made it very clear, he doesn't want children and you do. You two want different things and and so this relationship will not work out and it's not like you two will be friends either..not with feelings present.  That doesn't mean you can't be friends in future, but for now?  You both need space and distance to heal, grieve, and rediscover how to enjoy life without eachother presence.  Only after you get to that point, will you be able to genuinely be around eachother without feelings and expectation.   Without that time, feelings would make the friendship insincere, with hidden intentions and ulterior motives that often accompany the feelings involved.  And that "friendship" (Which will not really be a friendship) would reveal it's complicated nature when the two of you get together with other people down the road, and then things are going to get ugly.   Don't complicate your life.  If he isn't being strong for the both of you, you be the strong one.  Keep the breakup clean.  

Don't let your fear of not finding a good man and being alone for the rest of your life (I know you're worried about that) make you stick around in something that is not meant to be.  Although I cannot promise you'll find someone, I can assure you, that if you look after yourself and discover ways you can be happy as a single person (Perhaps doing things that you truly enjoy and that bring you self-fulfillment and purpose)  it will bring out the best in you and it will increase your chances of meeting someone more in line with what your heart desires.  But never do such things with the hope of meeting someone.  Do it for yourself. 

For now, heal.  Take your time and give yourself permission to feel your pain.  And continue to live and take care of yourself.  This will subside.

- Beach

 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Beachead

[Azincourt]

It's not just that. Who invites a woman off the internet to his own home, someone he doesn't know from anywhere?

What if she's dangerous? What if she has mental issues and then begins to stalk you? You should only reveal the location of the place you live in after you know the person you're dating is mentally sane and not likely to make your life a living hell by stalking you or whatever.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

21 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

Where do I find this link?

 

I have been searching for several minutes...   I found a post in which I referenced the other, more relative post  as having happened "VERY recently"  with MY post dated August 31 here.

 

But I am admittedly struggling to find just the right thread...   (I feel as if I wrote in it, but I can't find it)

 

 

[Watercolors]

9 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

All specialists, including the team I got my eggs frozen with last year.

plus I’m a women’s health nurse practitioner so I’ve been monitoring myself

But you're trying to force this guy into a role that only YOU want for him. He doesn't want to be a father and he's told you that. Yet, you make the excuse that you are so confused. About what? He's told you not interested, so you need to respect his response as his truth. Just because it doesn't align with your desire for children doesn't mean he's actually wrong, and that it's your job to convince him he's wrong b/c you can show him that he would be a great dad. Is that where your line of thinking's headed? 

My friend married a woman who flat out told him she was not interested in being his wife or the mother to his children. He wouldn't take her "no" seriously and convinced her to get married at the courthouse. One year later, she gave birth to their daughter. Two years later, she left him a note that said good-bye; that she was not interested in maintaining a relationship with their daughter; that she had to go and find herself; that she wouldn't leave a forwarding address for him with their mutual friends (she didn't) or family (she didn't). So, he was left devastated and was a single dad for the next ten years until he met his 2nd wife who wanted to be a mother and a wife. 

You can't force someone into a role that you want for yourself. So, I really hope you will leave him alone about this issue of fatherhood. Yes, you are 36 and you could do IVF and use a sperm donor if it means that much to you. You could easily raise a child on a nurse's salary with some benefits available to single mums. All I'm advising, is stop deluding yourself that he really wants to be a dad, but just may not know it yet because that's all you can focus on right now because online dating isn't producing enough eligible guys for you who want to become dads. 

 

[JiltedJane]

3 hours ago, Watercolors said:

But you're trying to force this guy into a role that only YOU want for him. He doesn't want to be a father and he's told you that. Yet, you make the excuse that you are so confused. About what? He's told you not interested, so you need to respect his response as his truth. Just because it doesn't align with your desire for children doesn't mean he's actually wrong, and that it's your job to convince him he's wrong b/c you can show him that he would be a great dad. Is that where your line of thinking's headed? 

You can't force someone into a role that you want for yourself. So, I really hope you will leave him alone about this issue of fatherhood. Yes, you are 36 and you could do IVF and use a sperm donor if it means that much to you. You could easily raise a child on a nurse's salary with some benefits available to single mums. All I'm advising, is stop deluding yourself that he really wants to be a dad, but just may not know it yet because that's all you can focus on right now because online dating isn't producing enough eligible guys for you who want to become dads. 

 

With all due respect, i have not tried to force him into doing anything. We (but mostly him) made the decision to end it. He is the one who keeps messaging me to hang out and telling me hes been thinking of me. I have not initiated contact and at this point am not ready to meet him in person. I'm not sure where you're getting this "forcing into a role" or the idea that I am "deluding" myself into thinking I can change his mind. He told me his issues with fatherhood straight up and I did not try to change his mind. I had to let him go.

I was simply lamenting the fact that I have had terrible luck with dating and especially with the men I meet online.

I am sad and confused because I may be losing a great partner over a dream that may never come true. I have also questioned if motherhood is right for me--before we started dating. If anything I've been trying to change my own mind--not anyone else's.

I am also sad because we both still really like each other and want to be together, but this one major thing is the only thing keeping us apart.

Read a little more carefully before jumping to conclusions.