Author JiltedJane Posted October 15, 2020 Author Share Posted October 15, 2020 11 hours ago, Azincourt said: It's not just that. Who invites a woman off the internet to his own home, someone he doesn't know from anywhere? What if she's dangerous? What if she has mental issues and then begins to stalk you? You should only reveal the location of the place you live in after you know the person you're dating is mentally sane and not likely to make your life a living hell by stalking you or whatever. what? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 18 hours ago, Azincourt said: It's not just that. Who invites a woman off the internet to his own home, someone he doesn't know from anywhere? What if she's dangerous? What if she has mental issues and then begins to stalk you? You should only reveal the location of the place you live in after you know the person you're dating is mentally sane and not likely to make your life a living hell by stalking you or whatever. Wow never heard of IVF going to this extreme.🤔 However this advice is sound for the first date scenario. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 (edited) @JiltedJane Quote I am sad and confused because I may be losing a great partner over a dream that may never come true. I have also questioned if motherhood is right for me--before we started dating. If anything I've been trying to change my own mind--not anyone else's. I am also sad because we both still really like each other and want to be together, but this one major thing is the only thing keeping us apart. I believe you want children. It's marked all over your original post. But for the moment, you're blinded by your heartbreak and your anxiety towards your own future...that you could find a good man who wants what you want. And why shouldn't you feel anxiety over it? It's not easy out there. Dating and meeting people can be exhausting, and we're not getting any younger. But, for this relationship to work: You have to not want kids He has to be willing to have them You both compromise, and wait for a couple of years and then adopt. Regarding the latter, how can he know today, if he'll want kids tomorrow? So then the two of you will have to see how it goes. Now wait..isn't that what you both already attempted to do and it lead to this breakup? Now if you two get back together to "see how it goes" again ..what if he doesn't change his mind, and now you're both in your 40's, having to break it off, because of this very issue? Are you willing to incur that responsibility, that risk and potential disappointment? Is it worth it to you? Edited October 15, 2020 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 On 10/11/2020 at 1:08 PM, JiltedJane said: He said he wasn't so sure... The fact that he was wishy-washy about something as serious as children, should have told you he was not a long-term candidate for marriage and fatherhood. If someone isn't "all in" to have children from the start, trying to get them to compromise and come over to your side is never a good idea. Having children is a major life decision and should be a priority in future dating/relationship candidates, not something they have to be convinced to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 14 hours ago, JiltedJane said: what? I was stalked for months after taking a woman I was dating, home, when she realized it takes money to live where I live, and she assumed I was rich, which I'm not. So for the next few months I was getting her showing up at the restaurant right in front of my house, for hours. After she gave up on that, I began getting unknown phone calls for 6 months, that would go to voicecall but she would still call me 5 to 10 times a day, until I decided to change my number. Lots of people out there aren't exactly mentally stable, and no one is going to believe a 4'10'' 85lbs super cute woman can hurt a guy who has 100+ lbs on her and is a foot taller than her, but I ain't superman. These days I'm pretty weary about the whole taking someone I haven't personally gotten to know for months and months, home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 The problem the OP has with guys who are "all in" with wanting kids is that she is not some normal fertile woman, she is a woman with big issues in the fertility department and for a guy who definitely wants a family, she is not really suitable, as there is no guarantee she can even have one child... People tend to encounter fertility problems in a more natural way and whilst already in a relationship. Couples tend to bond and thus will fight the fertility issues together as they crop up. The difference here being the OP knows she has fertility issues and she needs to be able to sell that to any potential suitor and that is going to be difficult I guess. If he doesn't want kids, he is not going to want to go on a difficult journey to produce a child. If he does want kids he will not want to go on a journey that is likely to be long, emotional and may be still ultimately fruitless... when he can go find any number of more fertile women to start a family with. The OP may have to go it alone and hope to pick up some lovely man along the way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The problem the OP has with guys who are "all in" with wanting kids is that she is not some normal fertile woman, she is a woman with big issues in the fertility department and for a guy who definitely wants a family, she is not really suitable, as there is no guarantee she can even have one child.... You are correct, I missed the post detailing her condition. I should do a better job reading all posts from the OP... my bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: The problem the OP has with guys who are "all in" with wanting kids is that she is not some normal fertile woman, she is a woman with big issues in the fertility department and for a guy who definitely wants a family, she is not really suitable, as there is no guarantee she can even have one child... People tend to encounter fertility problems in a more natural way and whilst already in a relationship. Couples tend to bond and thus will fight the fertility issues together as they crop up. The difference here being the OP knows she has fertility issues and she needs to be able to sell that to any potential suitor and that is going to be difficult I guess. If he doesn't want kids, he is not going to want to go on a difficult journey to produce a child. If he does want kids he will not want to go on a journey that is likely to be long, emotional and may be still ultimately fruitless... when he can go find any number of more fertile women to start a family with. The OP may have to go it alone and hope to pick up some lovely man along the way. Except that the OP is determined at the moment, to try to coerce this guy who is wishy-washy about fatherhood for himself, into committing to the idea of pursuing IVF with her on her fertility journey. Hence my story about my male friend who had to learn the hard way that you can't coerce someone over to your side, because it will always backfire as he came to find out when she left him a note telling him that she didn't want to be married to him and didn't want to be a mother to their daughter, and she'd rather leave and go "find herself." I think the OP is better off distancing herself from this current ex-boyfriend because it is clear she feels like he's literally the only man in her life who has come closest to meeting her criteria for being a father to children she has via IVF or via adoption. But that's a lot to ask from a man you're dating casually. It's not like she can ask a guy on the first date, "So, I"m infertile and want to have children. Where do you stand on IVF and adoption?" as that will scare them all off. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 2 hours ago, Azincourt said: I was stalked for months after taking a woman I was dating home, So for the next few months I was getting her showing up at the restaurant right in front of my house, for hours. After she gave up on that, I began getting unknown phone calls for 6 months, that would go to voicecall but she would still call me 5 to 10 times a day, until I decided to change my number. Lots of people out there aren't exactly mentally stable. These days I'm pretty weary about the whole taking someone I haven't personally gotten to know for months and months, home. Wait... She was after a sperm donation? 🤔 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 (edited) On 10/12/2020 at 6:08 AM, JiltedJane said: I have never had the best dating life. But four months ago, i thought every changed. My work friend of four years (who was also my crush) confessed that he also had a crush on me the last four years and had been trying to tell me multiple times. Ive never had a crush reciprocate those feelings before. Before we dated, we discussed what our goals were. I told him I wanted kids. He said he wasn't so sure but if we ended up together he would make sure we had them. We only dated four months, but yesterday he ended it saying his feelings for me were only getting stronger but with that the realization that he definitely did not want them and he did not want to take that away from me. I then asked why he dated me in the first place and said something like "I've just liked you so much for years that i tried to convince myself I wanted kids too". We literally held each other and held hands on my couch and bed for 21 hours straight, him telling me how much he likes me, more than likes me, and this is the only thing keeping us apart. Literally 21 hours, except for bathroom breaks. We just kept talking about how unfair this is. He wouldn't let me go and did not try to have sex with me or kiss me. He begged me not to ghost him. I kept asking why he would stay here if he wanted to end it ad he kept saying because he really didnt want it to end. When he finally left it was the most mentally/emotionally painful hug. Hes texted me And now here i am crying my eyes out and venting on this site. Over someone I only dated for 4 months. For the first time in years, I actually felt happy. Genuinely happy and thought I was finally falling for the right one. I wish I didnt want kids, my life would be so much easier. The worst part is, hes not even a bad guy. It would make it so much easier if i hated him. I understand where he's coming from. That's a big deal you wanting kids and him not wanting them. I went thru it with my ex wife accept she left in the end it won't work and he won't change he's mind well not anytime soon by the sounds of it and you would have started to get fed up waiting on him and split at some stage Edited October 17, 2020 by Goodguy05 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 Awww, this is sad. Sorry, JJ :(. It's sad for both of you, but ultimately the best decision because there's no compromise when it comes to this issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 17, 2020 Author Share Posted October 17, 2020 On 10/15/2020 at 2:16 PM, elaine567 said: The problem the OP has with guys who are "all in" with wanting kids is that she is not some normal fertile woman, she is a woman with big issues in the fertility department and for a guy who definitely wants a family, she is not really suitable, as there is no guarantee she can even have one child... People tend to encounter fertility problems in a more natural way and whilst already in a relationship. Couples tend to bond and thus will fight the fertility issues together as they crop up. The difference here being the OP knows she has fertility issues and she needs to be able to sell that to any potential suitor and that is going to be difficult I guess. If he doesn't want kids, he is not going to want to go on a difficult journey to produce a child. If he does want kids he will not want to go on a journey that is likely to be long, emotional and may be still ultimately fruitless... when he can go find any number of more fertile women to start a family with. The OP may have to go it alone and hope to pick up some lovely man along the way. On 10/15/2020 at 1:40 PM, Azincourt said: I was stalked for months after taking a woman I was dating, home, when she realized it takes money to live where I live, and she assumed I was rich, which I'm not. So for the next few months I was getting her showing up at the restaurant right in front of my house, for hours. After she gave up on that, I began getting unknown phone calls for 6 months, that would go to voicecall but she would still call me 5 to 10 times a day, until I decided to change my number. Lots of people out there aren't exactly mentally stable, and no one is going to believe a 4'10'' 85lbs super cute woman can hurt a guy who has 100+ lbs on her and is a foot taller than her, but I ain't superman. These days I'm pretty weary about the whole taking someone I haven't personally gotten to know for months and months, home. I’m not stalking this person...in fact I deactivated my Facebook so I couldn’t even see him online. I work 6 days a week, don’t have time for stalking... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 17, 2020 Author Share Posted October 17, 2020 On 10/15/2020 at 4:28 PM, Watercolors said: Except that the OP is determined at the moment, to try to coerce this guy who is wishy-washy about fatherhood for himself, into committing to the idea of pursuing IVF with her on her fertility journey. Hence my story about my male friend who had to learn the hard way that you can't coerce someone over to your side, because it will always backfire as he came to find out when she left him a note telling him that she didn't want to be married to him and didn't want to be a mother to their daughter, and she'd rather leave and go "find herself." I think the OP is better off distancing herself from this current ex-boyfriend because it is clear she feels like he's literally the only man in her life who has come closest to meeting her criteria for being a father to children she has via IVF or via adoption. But that's a lot to ask from a man you're dating casually. It's not like she can ask a guy on the first date, "So, I"m infertile and want to have children. Where do you stand on IVF and adoption?" as that will scare them all off. Dude... seriously?! Where are you getting this from?! I am not trying to force or coerce this man into doing anything! We’ve broken up! He is the one constantly messaging me. I don’t respond most of the time. and this was a friend of mine for four years before we started dating. He knew my back story. Am I sad? Yes very much so. The whole situation sucks. I have the right to be disappointed. im failing to see anything I wrote saying he’s my only option or that I’m determined to change his mind. Again, read everything before jumping to conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 17, 2020 Author Share Posted October 17, 2020 On 10/15/2020 at 1:02 PM, Happy Lemming said: The fact that he was wishy-washy about something as serious as children, should have told you he was not a long-term candidate for marriage and fatherhood. If someone isn't "all in" to have children from the start, trying to get them to compromise and come over to your side is never a good idea. Having children is a major life decision and should be a priority in future dating/relationship candidates, not something they have to be convinced to do. He said before we were dating that he’d make his decision to have kids based on what the woman wants. So if we ended up together, we’d have them. Last week he said he just liked me so much he tried to change his own mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 13 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: Dude... seriously?! Where are you getting this from?! I am not trying to force or coerce this man into doing anything! We’ve broken up! He is the one constantly messaging me. I don’t respond most of the time. and this was a friend of mine for four years before we started dating. He knew my back story. Am I sad? Yes very much so. The whole situation sucks. I have the right to be disappointed. im failing to see anything I wrote saying he’s my only option or that I’m determined to change his mind. Again, read everything before jumping to conclusions. Honestly, when you leave out specific details like you knew him for 4 years etc. how do you expect people to respond? Still, I stand by my post that you are trying to coerce him to come over to your side b/c you are fed up with the online dating prospects, and you refuse to let him have his beliefs b/c they don't align with yours. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 23 minutes ago, Watercolors said: when you leave out specific details like you knew him for 4 years etc. On 10/11/2020 at 9:08 PM, JiltedJane said: My work friend of four years (who was also my crush) confessed that he also had a crush on me the last four years and had been trying to tell me multiple times. Ive never had a crush reciprocate those feelings before. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 On 10/15/2020 at 12:40 PM, Azincourt said: Lots of people out there aren't exactly mentally stable And plenty on the internet! It's totally difficult 'dating' now, there's nowhere 'romantic' to go for lots of people. I've been talking to a man for months and I can't walk properly at the moment so if I want to see him I'll have to show up to the park in a wheelchair or he'd have to come here! @JiltedJane Are you in a position to foster or adopt on your own? Sorry your relationship ended. 57 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: I have the right to be disappointed. Of course you do. One of my colleagues mentored with the Big Brother Big Sister program ( I think it's called that ) and that boy is grown up now and like a son to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 (edited) On 10/14/2020 at 5:38 AM, Ruby Slippers said: It was irresponsible, immature, and unfair of him to say he'd have kids with you then renege on it a few months in. I agree. On 10/11/2020 at 11:08 PM, JiltedJane said: He begged me not to ghost him. I kept asking why he would stay here if he wanted to end it ad he kept saying because he really didnt want it to end. When he finally left it was the most mentally/emotionally painful hug. Hes texted me Sorry. All that I can think is that he's being selfish. He needs to shut the door completely (or let you shut it) so that you can move on and, hopefully, meet someone nice who wants kids too. On 10/13/2020 at 7:52 PM, JiltedJane said: He’s texted me every day saying he’s been thinking about me and how much he hates this situation. He keeps asking to see me on our mutual day off. I know he’s not trying to make me a fwb. I’m just so confused as to deal with this or with what’s going on in his head/emotions. Usually I’m ghosted by the guy and I always disappear when a relationship ends. This is selfish of him, JiltedJane. Heck, it's manipulative. I don't think he has the capacity right now to recognize that. But it still makes it very difficult for you to accept that things have to end between you and to mourn the relationship properly and to ultimately move on. He needs to leave you alone. And you need to go back to your old formula for dealing with the end of a relationship: disappear. Yes, it will hurt you both. But you can't end a relationship and still behave like you're in that relationship. That's the surest way to do some serious psychological damage to yourselves and each other. Once you cut off things between you and him properly and have had the chance to mourn then to recover, you can refocus your efforts on dating men who also want children. Given your condition and the possibility that you may not be able to have biological children, take the time to look into the treatments and procedures available to you as well as adoption and fostering: consider how open you are to going down a given road, find out what it would take to make it happen. Are you open to doing it as a single woman? Consider all the relevant information and scenarios. Then decide what you want to do. I'm sorry that things didn't work out between you and this guy. But having a child matters to you and it doesn't matter to him. If you were to stay in a relationship with him under the circumstances, you would start to resent him and/or he would start to resent you. The beautiful experiences you shared would fade away and turn into something ugly. It is better to end things properly now. That will set you both free to follow your chosen paths in life. Edited October 17, 2020 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 (edited) @JiltedJane Cut contact with him. You can offer him up a short explanation as to why this is best, but don't stick around for an answer nor hope he will change his position. Doing either will just keep you hooked. He will not change his position on kids in any immediate future and neither will you. This needs to end before it gets ugly and the both of you find yourself regretting, not leaving earlier. He likes the version of you, he wished you could be..the version that includes everything you are minus the fact that you want kids. Problem with that is it's not who you are. Who you are in actuality is a person who does want kids. Although we can make some sacrifices in life for relationships, I don't think you should attempt to sacrifice your desire for kids. - Beach Edited October 17, 2020 by Beachead 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 On 10/14/2020 at 2:51 PM, JiltedJane said: He's the first guy I’ve been with since high school who wasn’t a commitment phobe, didn’t have substance abuse issues, wasn’t ashamed to introduce me to his friends, and had shared interests with me. You know, I'm not quite convinced that he isn't a bit of a commitmentphobe. For a guy who doesn't want kids to minimize his preference and say he's open to the option so that he can date a woman who wants kids... These are often the actions of someone who, deep down inside, isn't really ready to settle down. He puts himself in situations that aren't likely to work in the long term. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 17, 2020 Author Share Posted October 17, 2020 On 10/15/2020 at 4:28 PM, Watercolors said: Except that the OP is determined at the moment, to try to coerce this guy who is wishy-washy about fatherhood for himself, into committing to the idea of pursuing IVF with her on her fertility journey. Hence my story about my male friend who had to learn the hard way that you can't coerce someone over to your side, because it will always backfire as he came to find out when she left him a note telling him that she didn't want to be married to him and didn't want to be a mother to their daughter, and she'd rather leave and go "find herself." I think the OP is better off distancing herself from this current ex-boyfriend because it is clear she feels like he's literally the only man in her life who has come closest to meeting her criteria for being a father to children she has via IVF or via adoption. But that's a lot to ask from a man you're dating casually. It's not like she can ask a guy on the first date, "So, I"m infertile and want to have children. Where do you stand on IVF and adoption?" as that will scare them all off. agin, not coercing or forcing anyone into anything water colors. He thought he could change his own mind before we dated, I never tried to convince him into doing anything then or now. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 22 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: agin, not coercing or forcing anyone into anything water colors. He thought he could change his own mind before we dated, I never tried to convince him into doing anything then or now. Sorry that I misunderstood the tone of your posts, Jane. I just assumed that you were trying to coerce him to change his mind and I was wrong to assume that about you, despite knowing people in my real life like my friend whose done that with partners who were incompatible in the long run. I hope you distance yourself from your work colleague. He was wrong to mislead you the way that he has, b/c not only did he waste 4 months of your life (that you could have used to find a more compatible man who is 100% on board with IVF or adoption w/you), but he lied to you and as a result, hurt you. You deserve to find a man who is more put together than this guy. I hope you will find that man and be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 (edited) So sorry to hear this. Kids are one of the precious few absolute dealbreakers where you must be on the same page because any "compromise" could ruin lives. You have to be true to yourself on this and it's good (albeit heartbreaking) that he knew this so quickly. When I was in my early 20s I was "maybe but leaning no" on kids and by the time I was 28 it was "never ever". There was definitely a time in-between in which I tried to convince myself that maybe I did really want kids, or could with the right person. I didn't. You need to cut contact, at least for a little while. Maybe you'll be able to talk again sometime later, when the emotions are less raw. But that may never occur. Don't rush or assume anything, and don't be afraid to move forward. When you really love someone and you only break up for logistical reasons, it can lead to an incredible amount of heartache down the road if you come back into each other's lives. Edited October 17, 2020 by lana-banana Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 6 hours ago, JiltedJane said: He said before we were dating that he’d make his decision to have kids based on what the woman wants. So he was neutral about having kids... Again, unless the guy is really, really excited about the prospect of having children, then he probably isn't a good candidate for fatherhood. Just the fact that he was neutral, meant he wasn't "all in". Fatherhood is a huge responsibility and shouldn't be a decided from a neutral stance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 i've just liked him for so many years, and it was the first time a crush ever reciprocated feelings back. I felt like I owed it to myself to take a chance with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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