Trauma bonding and breaking up

[Negotaurus]

Hi and thanks for reading, 

I am desperately in need for help. I hope I don't annoy anyone because this is my third thread on basically the same topic and I'm not sure if they come off as repetitive or not. 

I'm also not one to throw around diagnoses, nor have I been diagnosed professionally, quite frankly I don't have the money for therapy. I try to explain what I feel and I really hope there is someone who can offer me some relief. I'm not entitled to anyone's time but I feel desperate. 

I'm only 22. Days go by and I have no memory of them anymore, most of 2020 I don't remember. My partner cheated on me from the start, for a year. 2019-2020. I suspected, but he basically told me I am crazy. I thought I needed therapy back then for thinking such things of him, there must've been something wrong with me. January 14, 2020, I found out. Months of gaslighting, blame-shifting, lying, trickle-truthing and straight up mental abuse followed. I didn't leave because I was stunned, I felt like I got shocked and couldn't move. For a while he convinced me that it was my fault. That I was a "bad girlfriend", that it was "self love" for him. When he started being more honest, I deliberately asked for all kinds of details that would hurt. I wanted to traumatise myself even more, I wanted all of it. I lost a lot of weight, felt like I was dead, but I didn't leave. Instead I became more promiscuous with him, I wanted to prove that I am better and in a way I was desperately trying to somehow "bond" with him again, or that's how it felt like. I wanted to ignore what happened but I couldn't. 

We both became verbally and physically abusive towards each other for a few months. Broke up so many times. The last 2 months have been quite calm. Why, because I don't care anymore. He has still lied to me, done bad things behind my back, but it's like there's nothing he can do to me anymore. I don't care. Nor am I in love with him anymore. I don't want to have sex. We barely even kiss anymore. Or hug. I don't want to. Sometimes I hate myself for being female and having someone so perverted around me. I was so pure and genuine but he took a sh*t on it.

It makes perfect sense to break up. Too much has happened, I don't trust him, don't want him in an intimate way, will never be able to feel anything pure towards him anymore. But I just can't. We mutually broke up some days ago and I felt like I could die. I am mostly annoyed at him when we are home together and I know it has to end but the second one of us leaves and I start thinking about breaking up, it hurts me to no end. We were long distance till he moved to me, he would go back home over 2000km away. The thought of never seeing him again, of him being so far, I can't handle it. That day we broke up, I felt like I instantly became depressed again. I used to struggle with depression but overcame it. That day I felt like I had these knives in my stomach again. I instantly lost motivation for anything and just wanted him back. 

I might be totally wrong but I feel like the trauma I had is what tied me to him like this. I was totally delusional, there was him, and there was a version of him in my mind. I keep searching for that version in him. I know it's not real but I can't let go, for whatever reason. When he cheated, I ran to him. When he lied, I ran to him. And now when I'm about to lose him, I want to run to him. 

I don't know if any of this makes sense. But if there is anyone out there who could offer helpful advice, I would be very grateful. 

[Acacia98]

15 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

My partner cheated on me from the start, for a year. 2019-2020. I suspected, but he basically told me I am crazy. I thought I needed therapy back then for thinking such things of him, there must've been something wrong with me. January 14, 2020, I found out. Months of gaslighting, blame-shifting, lying, trickle-truthing and straight up mental abuse followed. I didn't leave because I was stunned, I felt like I got shocked and couldn't move. For a while he convinced me that it was my fault. That I was a "bad girlfriend", that it was "self love" for him. When he started being more honest, I deliberately asked for all kinds of details that would hurt. I wanted to traumatise myself even more, I wanted all of it. I lost a lot of weight, felt like I was dead, but I didn't leave. Instead I became more promiscuous with him, I wanted to prove that I am better and in a way I was desperately trying to somehow "bond" with him again, or that's how it felt like. 
 

I'm sorry for what you've gone through.

All I can think right now is that for you to respond to his abuse as you did (telling yourself you deserved it and seeking more punishment), you must have had formative experiences that made you believe you were unworthy of being loved. Perhaps going back to those experiences (I am guessing that they are associated with your family) and trying to make sense of them is the key to understanding why you can't let go of this relationship?

Edited October 12, 2020 by Acacia98

[schlumpy]

It's going to be a long hard road to recovery for you.

I think some temporary chemical help such as anti-depressants are warranted for a few months. Just enough to get you through depression valley and climbing the other side.

The "pure part of you" or your idealistic view of your partner will never return. Try not to regret it. Most people do not lose it as quickly as you have but it still would have worn away. Living life does that to you.

Since you can't afford therapy try some self-help books. Start with one on co-dependency and make sure you include one on how to value yourself. I've always found the library a meditative like experience.

If you can muster the willpower then take this time to learn a new skill or improve on ones you already possess.

Join a church choir or do karaoke if you can sing or want to learn. The discipline and training it takes to do four part harmony is challenging and singing sappy love songs is a great way to release pent up emotion. Voice quality doesn't matter as much in a group.

Get a bicycle and hit a local bike trail.

Walk and let your mind work through all the details while increasing your stamina.

The only real cure is time and distance.

Once you refocus, I promise that everything will be OK.

[Wiseman2]

You can't afford therapy, but you CAN go to a doctor. You need to see a physician for the depression.

Until you take care of your physical health and mental health you'll feel awful.

Talk therapy is fine for support but depression is a medical problem.

[d0nnivain]

You need to actually break up with him & get him out of your life.  Disconnecting from the containing trauma is the best sanest thing you can do for yourself.  

You say you can't afford therapy.  But there are a lot of new options now.  Telemed health appointments including that mental health service advertised by Michael Phelps are more affordable.  Check them out.   New services are available due to Covid.  Finding somebody to help you rebuild all the self esteem this toxic relationship destroyed is just what you need.  

[Negotaurus]

Thanks for the replies. 

I am not sure if this is depression or maybe it is just shock. My mum has offered to help me pay for an evaluation with a psychiatrist, it will take place in 3 weeks. I'm very grateful.

I wish to document what is happening, I want to write it out and read it all through. Maybe someone has some helpful advice as well, I would really appreciate it.

As of today, I am absolutely broken. A big fight took off last night and I absolutely KNOW this has to end. He has a hotel till Sunday, then he will go home, 2000km away. And it will be over for good. I will never see him again, probably never talk to him again. My mind is playing tricks on me again, I keep thinking "maybe there is a way", "maybe I can overcome the cheating, look, he's changed for the better". "He's trying". "I will fall in love with him again, I can trust him again". 

What if I run back. I know I can't because then I will keep this toxic cycle continuing, but what if I will. I think the fact that I literally have no friends or anybody to truly turn to has a lot to do with this. I feel like I need him, I need somebody. I am so very scared. I try to think logically, I am only 22, known him for 2 years, it was great that everything happened the way it did because I learned a lot. But the next second I become hysterical. I know he loves me still. And when I imagine him crying, I almost break down completely. I want to be normal, I want this pain to end, I keep hoping that he is someone who he simply isn't. 

I'm so lost. And utterly terrified and sad.

[schlumpy]

Keep in mind that although drugs like Zoloft, Wellbutrin and others do work, they do not work for everyone. It's possible that you may have to try two or three before you find one that allows you to cope with your emotions.

Exercise has also been recognized to bring people out of depression. The problem is that depression saps the willpower needed to exercise. That's when you have to borrow someone else's willpower such as a fitness freak friend or actually hire a personal trainer.

So I suggest just walking twenty minutes a day. Take off in a random direction for ten minutes then turn-a-round and head back home. It's easy and cheap. 

No sense in belaboring that you need to go no contact. You already know what you have to do. The problem is how to get there.

You have three weeks to endure so start walking.

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

 My mum has offered to help me pay for an evaluation with a psychiatrist, it will take place in 3 weeks. I'm very grateful.

IHe has a hotel till Sunday, then he will go home, 2000km away. 

Excellent. You'll get the medical help you need and a major headache will be thousands of km away.

If you cease all contact and block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps, you're on your way to healing.

[Negotaurus]

5 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Keep in mind that although drugs like Zoloft, Wellbutrin and others do work, they do not work for everyone. It's possible that you may have to try two or three before you find one that allows you to cope with your emotions.

Exercise has also been recognized to bring people out of depression. The problem is that depression saps the willpower needed to exercise. That's when you have to borrow someone else's willpower such as a fitness freak friend or actually hire a personal trainer.

So I suggest just walking twenty minutes a day. Take off in a random direction for ten minutes then turn-a-round and head back home. It's easy and cheap. 

No sense in belaboring that you need to go no contact. You already know what you have to do. The problem is how to get there.

You have three weeks to endure so start walking.

 

I will, I recently moved to a new apartment and there is a beautiful mountain behind me, I will start somewhere. Thank you.

I am very vary about anti-depressants, I was first prescribed them when I was only 13. I ended up trying 5 different kinds and to be frank, all did more damage than good. I'm thinking of returning to 5-HTP, they're entirely natural supplements but many people have benefited greatly from them. I shot myself in the foot when I stopped taking them after only 3 weeks some years ago. Will try again and will be consistent. Then I can also  document this here, maybe someone going through a depressing heartbreak will feel less alone, if they ever happen to wander here. 

[Negotaurus]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. You'll get the medical help you need and a major headache will be thousands of km away.

If you cease all contact and block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps, you're on your way to healing.

He did cause a lot of heartbreak, which I also enabled, but he is still so very dear to me. The way you rationalise it actually helps me a ton because I get to see things from a different perspective, not just my own distorted one. But the loss and grief in itself - how can I make that make sense? It's all irrational fear and panic, I know I am only 22, have nothing that ties me to this guy and have the potential to be happy. Is it just time that heals the wound, patience being the key? 

I suppose in a way I am hoping that there are some specific "buttons" that will take away the sadness if tapped..  

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

I am very vary about anti-depressants, I was first prescribed them when I was only 13

You need to get medical advice from your own personal doctors, not random people on forums who are Not doctors.

[schlumpy]

I love the mountains. I can't think of a better place to start recovery. Standing next to a mountain should put your problem in perspective and if that isn't big enough then just look up at the sky at night.