Separated from lying husband. Trying to make things work but don't know how.

[heartbrokenwife]

Hi All, 

Th above thread has a gist of my life in the past 8 years. now I am separated from my husband and living alone. Meanwhile, he got admitted and is getting therapy. he seems better and seems to have clarity. I miss him but I am afraid to try to make it work. I don't know how. It feels strange and I feel like a stranger. How do I know he wants to make it work too? How do I end up not doing everything and initiating everything? I don't know how to navigate it all.

[Mystery4u]

20 minutes ago, heartbrokenwife said:

Hi All, 

Th above thread has a gist of my life in the past 8 years. now I am separated from my husband and living alone. Meanwhile, he got admitted and is getting therapy. he seems better and seems to have clarity. I miss him but I am afraid to try to make it work. I don't know how. It feels strange and I feel like a stranger. How do I know he wants to make it work too? How do I end up not doing everything and initiating everything? I don't know how to navigate it all.

I think you need to go back and read that thread again.

Why on Earth would you even think about getting back with him? From your thread, he clearly had no respect for you and was very selfish, only thinking about himself.

Surely you can do better? I know you probably feel lonely and are missing the good times, but please have some self respect and divorce him so you can move on and find someone new who appreciates you for you.

You already wasted 8 years with him, don't waste any more.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, heartbrokenwife said:

 I am separated from my husband and living alone. Meanwhile, he got admitted and is getting therapy. he seems better and seems to have clarity. I miss him but I am afraid to try to make it work.

Sorry to hear this. You are on the right track separating and living alone. It's hard to cut your losses, but you've been together long enough to know it will just cycle and/or get worse. You've come this far in extricating yourself from a bad situation, Stay strong.

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like you have big issues from childhood that are echoing loud and clear in your present life, and you'd really benefit from ongoing counseling. This relationship seems to have been very unfulfilling - seems you'd be better off alone for now. Once you heal and progress, you'll be able to find a better relationship.

[heartbrokenwife]

On 10/13/2020 at 12:51 AM, Mystery4u said:

I think you need to go back and read that thread again.

Why on Earth would you even think about getting back with him? From your thread, he clearly had no respect for you and was very selfish, only thinking about himself.

Surely you can do better? I know you probably feel lonely and are missing the good times, but please have some self respect and divorce him so you can move on and find someone new who appreciates you for you.

You already wasted 8 years with him, don't waste any more.

Hi Mystery 4U,

I guess there are so many reasons.. He promised to get help. He got himself admitted in a hospital, is getting treatment finally and moved out. He is finding work. He wants to give it a shot.

I miss him and the good times and feel maybe maybe there is a chance it might be ok.

I also partly feel I have invested so much time and I can never move on and find somebody else and have that family. It's scary. 

As much as I don't want to say it, I am afraid of making all the wrong choices again.

 

[heartbrokenwife]

On 10/13/2020 at 7:22 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. You are on the right track separating and living alone. It's hard to cut your losses, but you've been together long enough to know it will just cycle and/or get worse. You've come this far in extricating yourself from a bad situation, Stay strong.

Thank you. I am trying. But its lonely and scary perspective. He is not a bad person but a very selfish one who uses his depression as an excuse. He says he will really try and doesn't want to lose me. But I am confused and scared.

[heartbrokenwife]

On 10/13/2020 at 7:26 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

It sounds like you have big issues from childhood that are echoing loud and clear in your present life, and you'd really benefit from ongoing counseling. This relationship seems to have been very unfulfilling - seems you'd be better off alone for now. Once you heal and progress, you'll be able to find a better relationship.

I have not been able to find a good therapist. Its been hard on me. For now, i am alone. I just don't know if it'll work for me or if I want it to. starting from scratch at 31 is scary.

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, heartbrokenwife said:

He promised to get help. He got himself admitted in a hospital, is getting treatment finally and moved out. He is finding work. He wants to give it a shot.

I miss him and the good times and feel maybe maybe there is a chance it might be ok

It is possible to love him from afar. Seriously. He has a lot of things he needs to deal with. It sounds like he’s starting to get help, good for him. But, the chances that he is going to emerge from the hospital as a healthy person and a healthy relationship partner are slim. This is the beginning for him, the work continues and it will be lifelong. Let him get settled, find employment, and prove that he is capable of loving a stable and healthy life for a good period of time before you even consider taking him back. But, I wouldn’t take him back. There may have been good moments, but you need to be able to trust your partner. 

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I also partly feel I have invested so much time and I can never move on and find somebody else and have that family. It's scary. 

Look up sunk cost fallacy. That’s what you are describing here. 

And let’s be honest, he’s in no position to start a family with you right now. He needs to focus on himself, getting healthy and stable. It would be very irresponsible to bring children into this world with this man.

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I just don't know if it'll work for me or if I want it to. starting from scratch at 31 is scary.

Friend, you are ONLY 31 years old. This is your chance to find the life that you want - if you are brave, you have time to find the life you want. BUT, it starts with counselling. If you don’t do the work to learn about yourself, deal with the issues from your childhood, move past this codependent behavior... the odds that you will chose another man with many of the same problems is pretty high. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[Mystery4u]

48 minutes ago, heartbrokenwife said:

Hi Mystery 4U,

I guess there are so many reasons.. He promised to get help. He got himself admitted in a hospital, is getting treatment finally and moved out. He is finding work. He wants to give it a shot.

I miss him and the good times and feel maybe maybe there is a chance it might be ok.

I also partly feel I have invested so much time and I can never move on and find somebody else and have that family. It's scary. 

As much as I don't want to say it, I am afraid of making all the wrong choices again.

 

Didn't he promise a lot of things during the 7 years? And nothing changed? He had his chance. If he wanted to change, he would have done it a long time ago, not wait for things to end.

You are only 31/32 you have time to find somebody else.

Just re read your other thread again. Your last paragraph... "Is my life meant to be miserable?"

If you go back, that is what you will be signing up to. Another life of misery.

The way he has treated you, is an embarrassment to the rest of us men. There are a lot of better choices out there for you. Don't make another wrong choice by going back.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, heartbrokenwife said:

I miss him and the good times and feel maybe maybe there is a chance it might be ok.

I also partly feel I have invested so much time and I can never move on and find somebody else and have that family. It's scary. 

You are being sentimental not realistic.  Your insecurities are also lying to you . You are only 31.  I didn't even meet my husband until I was 39.  You have a degree, a career & a great work ethic.  You will be find.  You just don't realize that. 

As for making the same mistakes again, you won't.  You know some of what to look for now.  Lies mean you walk.  Period.  

Keep looking for a therapist.  There are on line telemed options.  Try those.   

If they have them where you are or through Zoom start attending Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings. A lot of the reason you picked your husband & stayed with him & still are foolishly trying to find reasons to make this work stem from the damage your alcoholic father did to you.  Once you understand that you will stop picking the wrong men & you will stop trying for force a square peg into a round hole.  

For now, you can't believe a word your STBX says.  He wouldn't know the truth if it bit him in the face.  His whole coping mechanism for life is to lie & let others carry him.  I'm sure he is that way due to something wrong in his childhood but he needed to have fixed that before you showed up.  Its not your job & you don't have the skills.  Stop trying.  All you do is make your life worse. 

As for your family blaming you for not holding him together, they are HIS failings not yours.  Again, not your responsibility.  You were a bit delusional when you married him after 5 years of lies but we'll chalk that up to you being young (in your 20s), far from home & in love.  Your judgment was impaired.  No reason to keep making that same mistake over & over  Think logically do you want to have kids with a man who lies & teaches them laziness?