What would make someone so desperate for friends?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

This post is about someone in my life. He's a very nice guy, almost too nice and accommodating. He doesn't seem to realize when someone he considers a friend doesn't have his best interest at heart. I've seen him repeatedly taken advantage of, and he allows the bad friends to ruin his other healthy friendships with gossip and rumors. When questioned, he says he just wants to keep the peace and that he wants to focus on people's positive traits. 

Another thing I've noticed about him is that he doesn't take the hint when people don't want to hang out with him. He gets the most ridiculous reasons told to him of why the other person isn't available to hang out, but he takes it all at face value and will keep trying. Basically, he doesn't seem to be able to read between the lines or recognize when people are pulling away from him.

He's a friendly, interesting guy and I don't like seeing him disappointed or used.

What could be the cause of his behavior and lack of insight?

 

[vla1120]

He could be at the very mild end of the spectrum or he could have a social cues disorder. I've seen some adults who are mildly autistic or have Asperger's who are not good at reading social cues. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He also doesn’t react when someone is throwing a personal insult/jab at him or someone he cares about . He claims not to have heard the comment, or he sweeps it under the rug.

[vla1120]

Are you close enough with him to tell him you see people taking advantage of him and you want to help him recognize this behavior and help him learn to set boundaries? I feel sympathy for this guy. I work with someone who is an older man, but he had a learning disability and did not go to school past the 6th grade. He is very nice. He is fairly well-spoken, though he cannot read or write. Some of the other people in the facilities department make fun of him and do things behind his back. I call them out on it every time, but I'm sure he deals with this behavior all the time. It makes me angry when people are treated that way. He reacts the same way when I tell him not to let those people talk to him that way - he says either he didn't hear them, or it doesn't bother him. It bothers me, though. 

Edited October 13, 2020 by vla1120

[Ellener]

I think it's more a case of what's wrong with others @GeorgiaPeach1 The people who are being unkind are the ones with the problem.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Ellener, I beg to differ. Letting people use and belittle you and your loved ones is not healthy or normal. But thanks anyway. 

[d0nnivain]

If he's not unhappy, @GeorgiaPeach1stay out of it.  He will shoot the messenger.  I get that you are trying to help but it's not your problem to fix.  You be a good friend to him & maybe by example he will learn what a good friend is.  

[ShyViolet]

You can tell him all this, tell him that he's not reading other people's cues.  But if he still doesn't get it, there's nothing you can do about it.  You can't fix or change other people.

[Watercolors]

On 10/13/2020 at 11:49 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This post is about someone in my life. He's a very nice guy, almost too nice and accommodating. He doesn't seem to realize when someone he considers a friend doesn't have his best interest at heart. I've seen him repeatedly taken advantage of, and he allows the bad friends to ruin his other healthy friendships with gossip and rumors. When questioned, he says he just wants to keep the peace and that he wants to focus on people's positive traits. 

Another thing I've noticed about him is that he doesn't take the hint when people don't want to hang out with him. He gets the most ridiculous reasons told to him of why the other person isn't available to hang out, but he takes it all at face value and will keep trying. Basically, he doesn't seem to be able to read between the lines or recognize when people are pulling away from him.

He's a friendly, interesting guy and I don't like seeing him disappointed or used.

What could be the cause of his behavior and lack of insight?

 

People shun my social invites to hang out with blatant lies and some are ridiculously obvious lies. What should I do? Confront them about it? Ask them why they don't want to be friends with me? I can relate to your friend. My guess is, he's well aware that your circle of friends are lying to him when they reject his social invites, but he doesn't confront them b/c he figures, what's the point. 

I'm not dumb either. I stop asking people to hang out when they lie to me about being busy, or just ghost me and I'm almost 50. Does that mean I'm disposable, autistic, or unable to understand social cues? No, it just means that the people I think are friends really aren't. Could be the same for this guy. He just needs to keep trying to meet more like minded people who won't reject him for who he is. 

He probably does take the hint when people don't want to hang out with him, but hopes that they will change their mind about him and see that he is actually a nice person to hang out with. That, or they are a superficial group of people who are picking on someone they view as disposable. They don't sound like a very nice group of people. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

On 10/14/2020 at 10:34 AM, ShyViolet said:

You can tell him all this, tell him that he's not reading other people's cues.  But if he still doesn't get it, there's nothing you can do about it.  You can't fix or change other people.

And don't be friends with him out of pity. I had a guy friend like that. We met through a Meetup. I thought he was actually interested in me, but really, he said he called me all the time b/c he felt sorry for me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I was shocked. I had no idea i came across as such a sad sack. To him, at least, I did. Be friend with him GeorgiaPeach because you enjoy his company. Otherwise, its not really a sincere friendship is it. 

[Watercolors]

On 10/14/2020 at 7:41 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Ellener, I beg to differ. Letting people use and belittle you and your loved ones is not healthy or normal. But thanks anyway. 

Maybe he's just a very passive personality? He'd rather let people be a**h***s to him, than confront them. He's probably not autistic either. I can relate as I've said. I'm quite outspoken, but there comes a point where you realize internally that confronting people who blatantly shun and reject you socially, doesn't yield any results other than, you feel bad because you got upset and all they do, is mock you for getting upset. So, my guess is, he just doesn't see the point of confronting this group of people. Are you friend with him because you genuinely like spending time with him, or because you feel like you need to be his Big Sister in a compassion/pity context? 

[Ellener]

I ignore people's 'bad behaviour' up to a point, it's best to be positive and kind for myself, and yes some people will take advantage or be mean. Then I cut them out for a while. And I've had friends drop me over the years when I've been high maintenance. Relationships need to be fun and some people do this 'insulting friendship' thing, there was a time when it seemed like every comedy was about people saying horrible things to each other. 

You could buy him a recording of a book on assertiveness or do small things to encourage his confidence irrespective of his other friends.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

13 hours ago, Watercolors said:

And don't be friends with him out of pity. I had a guy friend like that. We met through a Meetup. I thought he was actually interested in me, but really, he said he called me all the time b/c he felt sorry for me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I was shocked. I had no idea i came across as such a sad sack. To him, at least, I did. Be friend with him GeorgiaPeach because you enjoy his company. Otherwise, its not really a sincere friendship is it. 

Now sure how you came to the conclusion I’m friends with him out of pity. I’m not that kind of person.

[Watercolors]

Just now, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Now sure how you came to the conclusion I’m friends with him out of pity. I’m not that kind of person.

It wasn't a conclusion. It was a suggestion because some people are like that. I don't know you or the context of your friendship with him. From the way you posted about him, you come across as pitying him, so that isn't really a friendship of respect in my opinion. It seems like you pity him, so why would you be friends with someone you pity. That's not friendship. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Not even going to bother with an explanation. Thanks for your input.

[Ellener]

44 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

why would you be friends with someone you pity.

 

28 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Not even going to bother with an explanation.

I can think of loads of times in life I've felt pity for someone and shown sympathy, and we've gone on to have a lovely friendship. Sometimes those friendships are temporary, because we change after going through a trauma and recovering, so the dynamics of the relationship change. Sometimes situations change, examples- someone recovering from addiction must change their friends to avoid triggering more addiction, or many times people fall head over heels with one person and exclude everyone else.

People have shown pity, sympathy and support for me when I was going through difficult times. But one close friend didn't understand when I developed severe anxiety, it took her a while to accept I had to deal with it my own way and we adjusted our boundaries. I've had another episode this year and we stepped back from each other and did other kind things, letters and emails and calls. She's accepted she can't 'fix' me, I've accepted she can't cope when I'm depressed. 

A friend called me yesterday to thank me for giving her name to another friend looking for a new s/w after she lost her job, I agree it's a fine line between interfering and supporting, but don't ever be afraid to show kindness or think it's ever wasted is how I see life. Being vulnerable with each other is part of making relationships, whilst allowing others to set their own boundaries and except outcomes of their choices. And mine.

My friend is really together, and said to me yesterday that she may not get the job ( an outcome I can't influence beyond passing on the recommendation ) but it had given her lots of ideas and a new set of connections. A less healthy person might have been angry and said mind your own business! That's the risk we take in getting involved. She was so down a few weeks ago when she called to tell me she'd lost her job, and the first thing I said yesterday 'you sound so happy!' And I was having a rough day, and in turn her kind words made me happy.

 

 

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe when people are canceling plans or saying no to his invitations it's more about them and not about him at all.  I'm an introvert and have come up with some lame excuses to not socialize if I don't feel like it, and it's always about me, not the person who has invited me to do something.

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

 

I can think of loads of times in life I've felt pity for someone and shown sympathy, and we've gone on to have a lovely friendship. Sometimes those friendships are temporary, because we change after going through a trauma and recovering, so the dynamics of the relationship change. Sometimes situations change, examples- someone recovering from addiction must change their friends to avoid triggering more addiction, or many times people fall head over heels with one person and exclude everyone else.

People have shown pity, sympathy and support for me when I was going through difficult times. But one close friend didn't understand when I developed severe anxiety, it took her a while to accept I had to deal with it my own way and we adjusted our boundaries. I've had another episode this year and we stepped back from each other and did other kind things, letters and emails and calls. She's accepted she can't 'fix' me, I've accepted she can't cope when I'm depressed. 

A friend called me yesterday to thank me for giving her name to another friend looking for a new s/w after she lost her job, I agree it's a fine line between interfering and supporting, but don't ever be afraid to show kindness or think it's ever wasted is how I see life. Being vulnerable with each other is part of making relationships, whilst allowing others to set their own boundaries and except outcomes of their choices. And mine.

My friend is really together, and said to me yesterday that she may not get the job ( an outcome I can't influence beyond passing on the recommendation ) but it had given her lots of ideas and a new set of connections. A less healthy person might have been angry and said mind your own business! That's the risk we take in getting involved. She was so down a few weeks ago when she called to tell me she'd lost her job, and the first thing I said yesterday 'you sound so happy!' And I was having a rough day, and in turn her kind words made me happy.

 

 

 

 

I don't understand why GeorgiaPeach would be offended by my response then. 

I tried to explain my own experience with someone who pitied me. How, that was his motivation for "being my friend." Yet, since he wasn't sincere with me about why he wanted to be my friend until I asked him if he was romantically interested in me, due to his daily texts and phone calls, he finally confessed to how he really felt (which was pity) as the motivation was for being in my life. I was deeply insulted of course, b/c I don't want anyone to pity me. I don't need those types of one-sided friendships in my life. 

So, I disagree with you that its perfectly normal to be someone's friend due to pity. No it absolutely is not, unless its under the context of you are a volunteer with Big Sisters/Big Brothers and have been assigned to be someone's mentor. Friends can show each other empathy and sympathy, on that I do agree. But pity? Friends do not show pity b/c that is not friendship -- that is fair weather friendship at the very least. I mean, are you serious?!

The friendship scenarios that you describe regarding pity and distancing are not examples of mutual friendships; rather, they are examples of one-sided friendships. 

That is my initial feeling about GeorgiaPeach's friendship with this male friend; it's one sided b/c he obviously thinks she is genuinely his friend whereas she is here posting about how much she pities his so-called terrible social skills and wondering if he lacks insight and is unaware that people are being rude and mean to him. We don't know how old he is, or what the context of her friendship with him is or anything that would shed light on what type of friendship she has with this man. 

When you are "the pity friend" in the friendship, you should immediately end the friendship with the pitier. The "pity friend" is the cast-off, the rejected, the shunned, the social "moron" by other people's standards. When you are the "pity friend" no one cares about your life or asks you to get together with them to do things, because its all about their issues and their lives. You're just there to be their scapegoat, their nearest target. It's not a real friendship b/c its one-sided. True friends don't invite you to a party and then just leave you alone at the party. They don't invite you along to social outings with a group and then abandon you. 

That's why I asked GeorgiaPeach about the context of her friendship, that she refused to shed light on. I want to know if this is a one-sided friendship. She feels bad for the man, she pities him. But does she invite him out to do things with her as a platonic friend, or is he someone she's just casually acquainted with in a mutual social group. All of that information matters. 

I highly doubt he's autistic or that there's something developmentally wrong with him. But what I do wonder, is, if he is "the pity friend," that his role is merely to be everyone else's sounding board for their own problems, and that he's never been included and that no one in GeorgiaPeach's social circle invites him out or asks him about his life, b/c they just really don't like him or see him as someone worth their time. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by Watercolors

[Ellener]

36 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Friends do not show pity b/c that is not friendship -- that is fair weather friendship at the very least. I mean, are you serious?!

Serious? no I'm not, I don't take life or myself very seriously, I'm just pointing out another way of looking at things. You are maybe seeing pity as a negative permanent situation; most people's lives are up and down. I don't get the 'fair-weather friendship', to me that's the opposite of pity- only wanting to be friends when someone's life seems perfect and disappearing if they need support. When I feel pity it's compassion and sympathy, it's best not to be too rigid or judgmental. Most people have good and interesting sides to them in my experience! and a bit of encouragement goes a long way, not only for them, but for myself. 

[Watercolors]

I see pity as a red flag that the friendship is one-sided based on my personal experience and lots of research. You and I and Georgia Peach will disagree on that, it seems. While you and GeorgiaPeach are fine with having your one sided friends whom you pity, b/c they serve some useful purpose to you both socially, somehow. Maybe you go to these pity friends b/c they are eager to please you, so they listen to your problems whereas you return nothing to them when they need you emotionally. So, in that case, this is where I'll exit, stage left. Trying to talk to two posters who see the utility of pity friends in their lives, disgusts me to no end. It's fascinating to me, how you two justify pity as legitimate friendship when it just isn't. Ok, I'm out. 

[Ellener]

I think that's more about your own hurtful experience Watercolors.

On 10/16/2020 at 11:48 AM, Watercolors said:

The "pity friend" is the cast-off, the rejected, the shunned, the social "moron" by other people's standards. When you are the "pity friend" no one cares about your life or asks you to get together with them to do things, because its all about their issues and their lives. You're just there to be their scapegoat, their nearest target. It's not a real friendship b/c its one-sided. True friends don't invite you to a party and then just leave you alone at the party. They don't invite you along to social outings with a group and then abandon you. 

None of those things signify pitying or being pitied to me. 

I'll be on the receiving end of some pity myself when I go back out to work/socialise, I just ordered my first wheelchair. I will deal with it by letting key people know in advance so they are not shocked/embarrassed, and by reassuring them I'll be fine, it's not the end of my world. I'm looking forward to going to the park and learning to walk my little dog onside, and if someone says 'the wrong thing' or shuns or shows prejudice, that's not the end of the world either. I'll ignore it and do my thing anyway, or call them on it, as feels appropriate.

I'm with your friend @GeorgiaPeach1 'keep the peace and that he wants to focus on people's positive traits.' As a friendly interesting person he'll eventually gravitate to other more mature friendly and interesting people as peers. I hope you will be one of them!

Assertiveness is a good step on the way to mature self confidence: it's the quality of being calmer and confident in communications without being aggressive. 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/16/2020 at 12:39 PM, Watercolors said:

I see pity as a red flag that the friendship is one-sided based on my personal experience and lots of research. You and I and Georgia Peach will disagree on that, it seems. While you and GeorgiaPeach are fine with having your one sided friends whom you pity, b/c they serve some useful purpose to you both socially, somehow. Maybe you go to these pity friends b/c they are eager to please you, so they listen to your problems whereas you return nothing to them when they need you emotionally. So, in that case, this is where I'll exit, stage left. Trying to talk to two posters who see the utility of pity friends in their lives, disgusts me to no end. It's fascinating to me, how you two justify pity as legitimate friendship when it just isn't. Ok, I'm out. 

It’s a sad day indeed when CONCERN for someone is seen as pity. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/16/2020 at 11:48 AM, Watercolors said:

I don't understand why GeorgiaPeach would be offended by my response then. 

I tried to explain my own experience with someone who pitied me. How, that was his motivation for "being my friend." Yet, since he wasn't sincere with me about why he wanted to be my friend until I asked him if he was romantically interested in me, due to his daily texts and phone calls, he finally confessed to how he really felt (which was pity) as the motivation was for being in my life. I was deeply insulted of course, b/c I don't want anyone to pity me. I don't need those types of one-sided friendships in my life. 

So, I disagree with you that its perfectly normal to be someone's friend due to pity. No it absolutely is not, unless its under the context of you are a volunteer with Big Sisters/Big Brothers and have been assigned to be someone's mentor. Friends can show each other empathy and sympathy, on that I do agree. But pity? Friends do not show pity b/c that is not friendship -- that is fair weather friendship at the very least. I mean, are you serious?!

The friendship scenarios that you describe regarding pity and distancing are not examples of mutual friendships; rather, they are examples of one-sided friendships. 

That is my initial feeling about GeorgiaPeach's friendship with this male friend; it's one sided b/c he obviously thinks she is genuinely his friend whereas she is here posting about how much she pities his so-called terrible social skills and wondering if he lacks insight and is unaware that people are being rude and mean to him. We don't know how old he is, or what the context of her friendship with him is or anything that would shed light on what type of friendship she has with this man. 

When you are "the pity friend" in the friendship, you should immediately end the friendship with the pitier. The "pity friend" is the cast-off, the rejected, the shunned, the social "moron" by other people's standards. When you are the "pity friend" no one cares about your life or asks you to get together with them to do things, because its all about their issues and their lives. You're just there to be their scapegoat, their nearest target. It's not a real friendship b/c its one-sided. True friends don't invite you to a party and then just leave you alone at the party. They don't invite you along to social outings with a group and then abandon you. 

That's why I asked GeorgiaPeach about the context of her friendship, that she refused to shed light on. I want to know if this is a one-sided friendship. She feels bad for the man, she pities him. But does she invite him out to do things with her as a platonic friend, or is he someone she's just casually acquainted with in a mutual social group. All of that information matters. 

I highly doubt he's autistic or that there's something developmentally wrong with him. But what I do wonder, is, if he is "the pity friend," that his role is merely to be everyone else's sounding board for their own problems, and that he's never been included and that no one in GeorgiaPeach's social circle invites him out or asks him about his life, b/c they just really don't like him or see him as someone worth their time. 

You’re jumping to a lot of conclusions here, based on your own background. 

 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1

[Miss Spider]

Low self esteem/poor boundaries. I am desperate for friends, but I am not a pushover

[poppyfields]

On 10/13/2020 at 9:49 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This post is about someone in my life. He's a very nice guy, almost too nice and accommodating. He doesn't seem to realize when someone he considers a friend doesn't have his best interest at heart. I've seen him repeatedly taken advantage of, and he allows the bad friends to ruin his other healthy friendships with gossip and rumors. When questioned, he says he just wants to keep the peace and that he wants to focus on people's positive traits. 

Another thing I've noticed about him is that he doesn't take the hint when people don't want to hang out with him. He gets the most ridiculous reasons told to him of why the other person isn't available to hang out, but he takes it all at face value and will keep trying. Basically, he doesn't seem to be able to read between the lines or recognize when people are pulling away from him.

He's a friendly, interesting guy and I don't like seeing him disappointed or used.

What could be the cause of his behavior and lack of insight?

I may get beat up for this but where's the "pity" in any of this?  What I see, at best, is genuine concern.  At worst, annoyance.   

GeogiaPeach, to answer your question - what could be the cause of his behavior and lack of insight- impossible to know really.

He could be a total dunce OR he could simply be an easy going guy who prefers to see the positive in people, situations and things in general.  

Not even sure it's lack of insight, you don't know why these "friends" aren't available.  Their reasons might be totally legit.  Or even if not, trust that he knows and is choosing to deal with it in his own way. 

As far as not reacting to alleged insults, or bullying or whatever, imo that's actually a good thing. 

Negative comments might be said  but no one can actually insult you unless you allow them to. 

Ignoring, walking away is how you NOT allow it.  Jmo on that.  It's how I choose to deal with that also.

I dunno, I think your intentions as a friend are good, but perhaps best to simply let him be.   To me, accepting someone "as is" is part of what being a good friend is.

Even if/when sometimes things they do or don't do annoy you, assuming that's what this is about, at least in part.  But I get your concerned too. I don't see pity, per se.   

Edited November 21, 2020 by poppyfields