How can I forgive him after this.

[Ladyfingers]

I met my most recent ex 7 years ago. He was my first serious relationship. Before him I had a few short relationships that ended with me being sexually assaulted by 2 of them. This created trauma and I developed PTSD and depression to the point of being suicidal. I began this relationship holding trust as my highest priority and when I began with him, we connected immediately unlike anyone else I had ever talked to in my life. On the first date I was getting a little frisky with him and he ended up slowing things down saying he did not want to do that now because he wanted something more serious with me. I loved this.

Shortly there after we started dating. I quickly developed feelings and after a few months we shared love feelings and expressed them. Around 3 months in I told him about my past relationship trauma and he got angry at the previous guys and told me that he would never do anything like that. He also began to become very caring when we had sex, constantly asking if I was okay with this and that. He promised me he would never have sex with me while drinking of any capacity to make sure we both did not feel like anything happened while inebriated. He held that promise to this day. Over time we grew together and we had no relationship problems. Small minor things came up but he would make me feel better due to my past trauma. We moved for college together, lived throughout college together, spent endless hours studying together, making dinners together, and he always would bring me out on a full date day weekly. Yearly we would camp 2-3x and go on one big trip. I did notice with living with him he hid something from me but when I confronted him he just told me he was embarrassed, and that was he had an anxiety disorder. He doesnt take medicine for it but I noticed it when he was stressed with classes because he would get OCD with his time and get a bit distant but that's about it. Again, no reasonbly large issues that we didnt work through (things like cleaning, cooking etc.) Now at year 5 we graduated and moved back to our seperate houses with our parents.

One weekend he invited me to his cabin and when we were up there I was involved in a motor accident coming off of a trail onto the road. It was a head on collision and I was on an ATV with his cousin driving. She and I were ejected over the ATV onto the gravel road. My boyfriend right behind me ran to my side and this entire part I dont remember but from his account I was repeating myself until the ambulance came. Asking what happened repeatly. He didn't leave my side and put pressure on my leg wound. He followed behind the ambulance and this is where I began to remember. At the hospital he was by my side except when I was getting my xray. Then he checked on his cousin who was with her father and mother. While getting out of the hospital, his cousins mother asked for a wheelchair and then asked about using mine for her daughter. My boyfriend told her that I needed it but still i was offended she even asked.

Going home from the hospital to the cabin again, he was by my side helping me into the house. I could not walk alone, and he helped me to the bathroom and made my plate for dinner and he sat with me the whole night. When he left to bring the dishes out to the kitchen, he came back in with a laptop and was taking a test for his cousin because apparently she had not passed it before we left like she said. This to me felt like such a betrayal, and immediately my trust was broken. I felt hurt and that he did not care about my feelings when his cousin almost killed me. Later I found out his aunt told him to otherwise his grandparents would get sued. But the damage was done. He stayed up all night worried about my traumatic brain injury while I slept in pain. Going home the next day he dropped me off and helped me into the house, he offered to bring me and go with me to any appointments. My parents were pissed that he even let me get on such a dangerous vehicle with his cousin and they ultimately disowned him from coming over to the house.

Healing happened, and we would argue about the potential of his uncle being at our wedding in the future. He would almost stick up for them and I continued to feel betrayed because he was even asking for that in the future. This argument lasted for about 2 months before he finally blocked his uncle and cousin for the pain they caused me and the fact that afterwards they did not offer any apology to my family or send me any flowers. I felt like his loyalty showed that he cared more about his family then me because of this. I would explain to him how I felt and he would simply continue to ask telling me it was his closest uncle growing up. I just felt he was choosing his family over me and my feelings and this caused me to feel he was not loyal and that I was not his number one priority and that he did not have my back. My boyfriend had to apologize for them by writing my parents a letter (disowned from coming over).

Flash forward 6 months and things have gotten better with us, except I still am holding that betrayal in my mind. Unexpectedly I found out I was pregnant. I showed him the test and he had a panic attack freaking out about money, about his lack of a job still (as a teacher he could not find a job middle of the year and he was not looking at other options). He panicked about our living situations, my parents and disowning him and how they viewed premarital sex. This put a fear in me, and I thought to myself, this is suppose to be a moment of great happiness. I felt betrayed and like he broke my trust again. This deeply hurt me that he was not showing happiness after being together for so long. My PTSD was firing "run away."

After a few weeks of talking about it, we decided to have an abortion. He wrote to me the week after the night we found out about how sorry he was for the panic attack and that he would step up and find a job and support whatever decision I made if I choose to do a different decision. But for me my trauma and PTSD continued to overwhelm my brain, not only did I feel alone because of his reaction, but I felt like my parents would disown me, I worried about money and our living situations, and I worried about his attitude towards the new situation in our life. He was with me for every appointment before the abortion, but he seemed distant or as though he was extremely nervous and it came across to me as though he was majorly resistent to the idea of keeping the baby. The day of the procedure I was freaking out and so sad. He was with me through the whole day except for the procedure itself. But he met me right after and brought me home and made dinner for me asking me what I would like. I felt betrayed and resentful. I felt sad and like a piece of me was missing. I felt dissapointed in my boyfriend, like he let me down.

After this we went to my sisters for 2 months during COVID, and we stayed there while we searched for jobs. We did not have sex but did mutual masterbation together. I was scared of sex and getting pregnant again. We both were okay with this. We had many emotional talks and this is where I felt our relationship becoming toxic with depression. I was not ready to talk about it and yet he kept bringing it up as though talking about it would help us. We went to couples counseling and that helped for a while but then he said he was going primarily for me because he said he knew how hard everything was for me. I was hurt by this and so we stopped going together, I went by myself.

My sister was the only one who knew about this, and we promised not to share this with others because of how hard of a topic it was for me. My boyfriend agreed. He tried to bring me out still and make things nice but my PTSD and Trauma started associating him with negativity from what happened. I would think about him and become sad thinking about the abortion and the accident. I couldn't think about the good things he did.

We had moved back to our parents again, and I started a full time job, but even with that I did not want to be around him because he kept bringing up a reminder that in the future he still wanted to get married and have a family with me. He was struggling to find a job (over 15 interviews for a teacher position) and he became more sad. Not angry or anything like that, but he was now asking me to spend more time with him since I only saw him about 6 hours per week now. He would cry and ask why I am not including him in my life. I tried to tell him he broke my trust and that I connect him to the negativity things that happened. I ultimately asked for a break of a month and told him he needed to step up and fix his issues.

During this time, he got into 3 therapists for his depression and anxiety, he also landed a job, and he began to start the process of getting confirmed in the church (he failed to do so when he was younger). Unfortunately with this break I did not know this, and my thoughts continued to get worst, I cried every day and felt unhappy. When I broke the break 2 weeks later I told him we needed to break up. I was unhappy and felt the relationship turned toxic. He pleaded telling me about all the changes he was making and then pleaded to go to couples therapy with me. I told him I had absolutely no trust left for him and could not believe him. I cannot see nothing but negativity when I thought about him. I broke up with him after 7 years together and then I cut off all contact with him. I told him that maybe in a few years we could be friends again, but I dont know, I need to heal and find positivity again. He texted me 2 weeks after all contact was blocked except text, asking to meet for coffee but I ignored it and deleted it.

I blame him for my pain, and I believe my PTSD is a big factor in that. I felt abandoned when he betrayed my trust with the test and with the abortion. I feel dissapointed in him.

Am I wrong? Is this my PTSD or was this normal reactions?

[Mrin]

Let the poor man go. I honestly thought you were writing this as satire for most of it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Forgive him for what?

You have been incredibly unreasonable with him, and blamed him for things beyond his control. You have pinned unfair expectations on him and lacked any insight into your own responsibility for a number of choices. 

Leave him be, but get yourself the help you clearly need, OP. 

[assertives]

You really should hash this out with your therapist regarding you blaming him for everything that went wrong. That aside, I do feel your blame is misplaced. It was not his fault the accident happened. It was an accident and it wasn't even him who drove. Also, what's with the "he let you get on the atv" about? You are a grown adult, no one can make you get on or stay away from it if you so chose to.

Your whole post is also very "me" centric. It seems like you are unable to empathize with anyone else outside of your own pain. Your ex is struggling as much as you are and probably so also is his cousin and their families. This accident affected not just you but also his cousin even though she was the one who drove. 

As for your ex, have you ever stopped once to consider things from his point of view? By your own admission, he took care of you, never left your side went to therapy to support you, ask to talk things out but you chose to bottle things up and withdraw and shut him out of your life. He even asked that you include him more in your life. Have you considered how he felt? Have you considered his feelings are just as valid and important as your own?

I also don't see what's there to forgive him for. But I do think you should leave him alone and continue with NC. Let him heal and move on. As for you, you should continue working through your issues in therapy.

Edited October 14, 2020 by assertives

[SincereOnlineGuy]

5 hours ago, Ladyfingers said:

I met my most recent ex 7 years ago. He was my first serious relationship. Before him I had a few short relationships that ended with me being sexually assaulted by 2 of them. This created trauma and I developed PTSD and depression to the point of being suicidal. I began this relationship holding trust as my highest priority and when I began with him, we connected immediately unlike anyone else I had ever talked to in my life. On the first date I was getting a little frisky with him and he ended up slowing things down saying he did not want to do that now because he wanted something more serious with me. I loved this.

Shortly there after we started dating. I quickly developed feelings and after a few months we shared love feelings and expressed them. Around 3 months in I told him about my past relationship trauma and he got angry at the previous guys and told me that he would never do anything like that. He also began to become very caring when we had sex, constantly asking if I was okay with this and that. He promised me he would never have sex with me while drinking of any capacity to make sure we both did not feel like anything happened while inebriated. He held that promise to this day. Over time we grew together and we had no relationship problems. Small minor things came up but he would make me feel better due to my past trauma. We moved for college together, lived throughout college together, spent endless hours studying together, making dinners together, and he always would bring me out on a full date day weekly. Yearly we would camp 2-3x and go on one big trip. I did notice with living with him he hid something from me but when I confronted him he just told me he was embarrassed, and that was he had an anxiety disorder. He doesnt take medicine for it but I noticed it when he was stressed with classes because he would get OCD with his time and get a bit distant but that's about it. Again, no reasonbly large issues that we didnt work through (things like cleaning, cooking etc.) Now at year 5 we graduated and moved back to our seperate houses with our parents.

One weekend he invited me to his cabin and when we were up there I was involved in a motor accident coming off of a trail onto the road. It was a head on collision and I was on an ATV with his cousin driving. She and I were ejected over the ATV onto the gravel road. My boyfriend right behind me ran to my side and this entire part I dont remember but from his account I was repeating myself until the ambulance came. Asking what happened repeatly. He didn't leave my side and put pressure on my leg wound. He followed behind the ambulance and this is where I began to remember. At the hospital he was by my side except when I was getting my xray. Then he checked on his cousin who was with her father and mother. While getting out of the hospital, his cousins mother asked for a wheelchair and then asked about using mine for her daughter. My boyfriend told her that I needed it but still i was offended she even asked.

Going home from the hospital to the cabin again, he was by my side helping me into the house. I could not walk alone, and he helped me to the bathroom and made my plate for dinner and he sat with me the whole night. When he left to bring the dishes out to the kitchen, he came back in with a laptop and was taking a test for his cousin because apparently she had not passed it before we left like she said. This to me felt like such a betrayal, and immediately my trust was broken. I felt hurt and that he did not care about my feelings when his cousin almost killed me. Later I found out his aunt told him to otherwise his grandparents would get sued. But the damage was done. He stayed up all night worried about my traumatic brain injury while I slept in pain. Going home the next day he dropped me off and helped me into the house, he offered to bring me and go with me to any appointments. My parents were pissed that he even let me get on such a dangerous vehicle with his cousin and they ultimately disowned him from coming over to the house.

Healing happened, and we would argue about the potential of his uncle being at our wedding in the future. He would almost stick up for them and I continued to feel betrayed because he was even asking for that in the future. This argument lasted for about 2 months before he finally blocked his uncle and cousin for the pain they caused me and the fact that afterwards they did not offer any apology to my family or send me any flowers. I felt like his loyalty showed that he cared more about his family then me because of this. I would explain to him how I felt and he would simply continue to ask telling me it was his closest uncle growing up. I just felt he was choosing his family over me and my feelings and this caused me to feel he was not loyal and that I was not his number one priority and that he did not have my back. My boyfriend had to apologize for them by writing my parents a letter (disowned from coming over).

Flash forward 6 months and things have gotten better with us, except I still am holding that betrayal in my mind. Unexpectedly I found out I was pregnant. I showed him the test and he had a panic attack freaking out about money, about his lack of a job still (as a teacher he could not find a job middle of the year and he was not looking at other options). He panicked about our living situations, my parents and disowning him and how they viewed premarital sex. This put a fear in me, and I thought to myself, this is suppose to be a moment of great happiness. I felt betrayed and like he broke my trust again. This deeply hurt me that he was not showing happiness after being together for so long. My PTSD was firing "run away."

After a few weeks of talking about it, we decided to have an abortion. He wrote to me the week after the night we found out about how sorry he was for the panic attack and that he would step up and find a job and support whatever decision I made if I choose to do a different decision. But for me my trauma and PTSD continued to overwhelm my brain, not only did I feel alone because of his reaction, but I felt like my parents would disown me, I worried about money and our living situations, and I worried about his attitude towards the new situation in our life. He was with me for every appointment before the abortion, but he seemed distant or as though he was extremely nervous and it came across to me as though he was majorly resistent to the idea of keeping the baby. The day of the procedure I was freaking out and so sad. He was with me through the whole day except for the procedure itself. But he met me right after and brought me home and made dinner for me asking me what I would like. I felt betrayed and resentful. I felt sad and like a piece of me was missing. I felt dissapointed in my boyfriend, like he let me down.

After this we went to my sisters for 2 months during COVID, and we stayed there while we searched for jobs. We did not have sex but did mutual masterbation together. I was scared of sex and getting pregnant again. We both were okay with this. We had many emotional talks and this is where I felt our relationship becoming toxic with depression. I was not ready to talk about it and yet he kept bringing it up as though talking about it would help us. We went to couples counseling and that helped for a while but then he said he was going primarily for me because he said he knew how hard everything was for me. I was hurt by this and so we stopped going together, I went by myself.

My sister was the only one who knew about this, and we promised not to share this with others because of how hard of a topic it was for me. My boyfriend agreed. He tried to bring me out still and make things nice but my PTSD and Trauma started associating him with negativity from what happened. I would think about him and become sad thinking about the abortion and the accident. I couldn't think about the good things he did.

We had moved back to our parents again, and I started a full time job, but even with that I did not want to be around him because he kept bringing up a reminder that in the future he still wanted to get married and have a family with me. He was struggling to find a job (over 15 interviews for a teacher position) and he became more sad. Not angry or anything like that, but he was now asking me to spend more time with him since I only saw him about 6 hours per week now. He would cry and ask why I am not including him in my life. I tried to tell him he broke my trust and that I connect him to the negativity things that happened. I ultimately asked for a break of a month and told him he needed to step up and fix his issues.

During this time, he got into 3 therapists for his depression and anxiety, he also landed a job, and he began to start the process of getting confirmed in the church (he failed to do so when he was younger). Unfortunately with this break I did not know this, and my thoughts continued to get worst, I cried every day and felt unhappy. When I broke the break 2 weeks later I told him we needed to break up. I was unhappy and felt the relationship turned toxic. He pleaded telling me about all the changes he was making and then pleaded to go to couples therapy with me. I told him I had absolutely no trust left for him and could not believe him. I cannot see nothing but negativity when I thought about him. I broke up with him after 7 years together and then I cut off all contact with him. I told him that maybe in a few years we could be friends again, but I dont know, I need to heal and find positivity again. He texted me 2 weeks after all contact was blocked except text, asking to meet for coffee but I ignored it and deleted it.

I blame him for my pain, and I believe my PTSD is a big factor in that. I felt abandoned when he betrayed my trust with the test and with the abortion. I feel dissapointed in him.

Am I wrong? Is this my PTSD or was this normal reactions?

 

First of all...   I have to restrain myself because you at least showed the (vulnerability, at the end, to pose the question to us).

 

As I read, though, I wanted to be quick to say that  "couples therapy" is NOT what you need, or needed.

You yourself (for reasons that ARE probably of the sort which don't inspire others to look down upon you at all) need therapy, if merely just to have somebody there listening and helping when you spell-out all that you experienced, and sort-out how various different people are being somehow blamed  for the outcome, many unfairly.

You are (not to be looked down upon) for "associating"  him with the things that happened (namely the accident)...  but you have to take precisely as much blame (IF you are blaming  anyone) for the pregnancy (and for the choice  made upon your learning of it) as he gets.

 

You share a lot of great history with this guy, and I don't see/sense in HIS independent actions anything which dooms him as a poor selection.

 

Your parents are allowed to be (overreacting) in blaming him  for your choice  to get in a vehicle that he wasn't even in.  (they're wrong, BUT they are parents, and I know their priorities...  mind you, their priorities are correct...   but they're just wrong in their assessment)

 

(if his cousin/uncle had assaulted you in any way while on that trip, then that is a scenario for which you can blame  your boyfriend... because HIS invitation TO you was implicitly an assurance of trustworthiness  with regard to those family members of his who would be there)   (if lightning strikes a tree near the cabin, and it falls on you, then your BF is NOT to blame  for something beyond his control)   (People driving ATV's assume some amount of their OWN personal risk when opting to ride them)

(if somebody takes a bunch of 3-year-olds on an ATV, and gets in a crash, then of course THAT is pure negligence   (unless perHAPS they were all deep in the woods, and just stung in large numbers by bees/wasps/etc... and it was vital that they get to the hospital, and the ATV was their best chance of getting there, and something surprising/unlikely  inspired such a crash)

PS -  that was not, at least to the extent you've told us (nothing about the other head-on driver)...  any sort of vehicular assault 

 

So c'mon...  reason yourself to a therapist independently of your boyfriend, and sort this giant picture out in your mind, and recognize that some of all this isn't fair to him, or, ultimately, to yourself either.

 

 

[Mystery4u]

Yes you are wrong.

What exactly has he done to break your trust? As I couldn't see anything in what you posted.

You are the one with issues, you need to sort yourself out.

[Wiseman2]

Is it possible you are the BF writing this? It seems the BF is depicted as a saint, no.. above a saint and the GF is depicted as an irresponsible ungrateful spoiled brat .

[d0nnivain]

My heart breaks for you.  Whatever you are feeling is what you are feeling.  There is no right & wrong here. 

You did set your BF up to take on too much responsibility for you.  He was not the best person to fix your wounds from the 2 previous sexual assaults, presumably when you were in HS.  Do your parents know those things happened to you?  You needed professional help then. 

If his cousin did not have the proper license to operate an ATV your BF was wrong for letting her take you as a passenger.  Licensed or not, you still had a case for personal injury damages against the operator & the owner of the ATV.  Again your parents let you down by not encouraging you to get a lawyer but by that time you were also a college graduate so you needed to take responsibility for yourself.    Your failure to ask the right Qs before you voluntarily got on that ATV & your failure to act after you found out your BF & his family were willing to commit fraud to protect the cousin was on you. 

It was completely over the top for you to expect your 20 something BF to pick you his GF over his family.  He seems to have done a great job balancing things but in the end it wasn't good enough for you. 

As for the pregnancy & the abortion, that's not all on him either.  You had a lot of choices in here including go ahead with the pregnancy, telling your parents, giving the baby up for adoption.  YOU chose to abort your child.  Stop making it sound like that was all your guy's doing.  He didn't force you to have sex nor did he force you to have an abortion. 

Having an abortion causes a lot of pain & regret.  That will stay with you for a long time.  You have a lot of talking & soul searching to do to make peace with your decision.  I suggest therapy.  

The resentment you now carry against your BF has destroyed the relationship   The death of a child either brings people together or tears them apart. For you two it's the later.   

[kendahke]

The best two things that happened are:

1. your parents rejected him

2. this relationship is over

I see nothing but a lot of manipulation on your part over things that he had no control over.

His cousin didn't try to kill you--it was an accident.

Also learn this: blood is thicker than water. He should be close to his family, considering the lengths you tried to go to to drive a wedge between him and them. I mean, really, girl...

[LynneVicious]

To me, he sounds very caring, empathetic and always concerned with your well-being. You seem to blame him for all of your problems. Please reread what you wrote and explain to us how he actually betrayed you because I’m just not seeing it. If anything, it seems he’s done everything in his power to make the relationship all about your needs. 
 

Let this poor man go so he can find someone who appreciates his actions, and then find intensive therapy - both for your ptsd and your unreasonable expectations. 

[spiderowl]

I can see where you are coming from, OP, with regard to the accident and the abortion.  I can understand you would feel betrayed if your boyfriend seemed to be trying to protect his family from prosecution.  What his cousin did was illegal and irresponsible.  I presume she did not tell you beforehand that she had not passed a test?  Him agreeing to take it for her is fraud.  At the same time, I can imagine the pressure he was under as her family could be sued for a fortune.  As you were hurt in the accident, you would have been entitled to financial compensation, which is fair enough.  It just looks like a horrible situation where whatever he did he was going to end up upsetting someone.  He could end up being prosecuted for fraud too.

While you were equally responsible for the pregnancy, I am assuming you had a strong feeling that he did not want it to continue and therefore you felt pressured into an abortion though not overtly.  He did speak up later that he would support you whatever your decision.  It sounds like he was somewhat shell-shocked at first then stepped up.  I expect you both feel sad and depressed at going ahead with it all.  The fact that he expressed that he would still like to marry you and plan a family in the future says he was thinking along those lines.  Maybe the abortion had more of an effect on him than you thought.  It is true that you became self-absorbed but then who wouldn't be when facing trauma?

On the whole, this guy sounds like a good guy, a decent guy who still wants to be with you.  I can appreciate you now associate him with unhappy and traumatic events.  Can you see beyond that to see that he seems to be a very caring guy who has been your friend and has been with you for the most part.  I guess you were worried because he seemed to let you down at a time when you were most troubled.  Are there also many times when he did not let you down when you had great stresses?

It does sound like you are depressed and sad and traumatised.  I hope you are getting some kind of therapy for this.  It is hard for any couple to cope with traumatic events and many do split up as a result of something as significant as that.

Maybe you should leave your options open with this guy?  Go to therapy, talk to someone independent about what you have been going through, and then see whether there is still a chance for this relationship.  Are you pushing him away because he hurt you unintentionally or otherwise or because you and he are incompatible?

Edited October 26, 2020 by spiderowl

[Ellener]

Wow, it all sounds complex.

It might be useful you talking it through with a therapist so you can move on now it's over?