Should women propose to men?

[MsJayne]

Female friend has proposed, (and been accepted), by her partner of ten years. She helped raise his daughter from 7 years old, and is a loyal and loving partner to him, and made it very clear that she wanted to get married about three years into the de facto relationship but he chose to ignore her despite her raising the subject at intervals over the years.  This opened up a debate at dinner a few nights ago, with some saying she’s desperate and should have left years ago and some saying it’s fine for women to do the proposing.  Ladies, would you propose to a guy?  Does it depend on circumstances?  A little bit of background on the relationship – he’s somewhat controlling and selfish IMO, and she recently revealed that she has a serious drinking problem. This doesn’t add up to a picture of domestic bliss in my book and I feel she's motivated by the wrong reasons, but I’d like to hear what other people think of women proposing in general. 

[Woggle]

My wife proposed to me and things are great. The relationship you described sounds awful but it would be awful if he propsed.

[major_merrick]

As to the topic question (not the relationship described) I say HELL YES.  All's fair in love and war.  IDK why women who want to get married sit around and wait for the guy to cough up a ring.  Propose marriage and hand him an empty ring box with a "fill 'er up" note on it.  Has a nice double meaning to it too...

Edited October 14, 2020 by major_merrick

[MsJayne]

9 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Propose marriage and hand him an empty ring box with a "fill 'er up" note on it.  

😂

[5x5]

For my first marriage, I proposed to my ex-wife.

Whereas my wife proposed to me, for my second marriage (her first).

While one of my ex-girlfriends, between the above mentioned relationships proposed to me and I turned her down.

At the end of the day, I don't think it matters who proposes. Of which if someone wants to marry someone, they stand a far better chance of that happening if they tell them.

[MeadowFlower]

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

 Ladies, would you propose to a guy?  Does it depend on circumstances

I personally wouldn't. I prefer the guy to ask me instead. 

[Shining One]

Yes. I'm strong believer in the one who wants "it" first should be the one to ask, whatever "it" may be: A date, sex, exclusivity, a vacation, marriage, etc.

[jspice]

No I wouldn’t. 
 

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't sound like you are friends. So let her do whatever is right for her.

[Fletch Lives]

Unlike the make-believe world of Hollywood movies, It's normal for women to bring up marriage more. Women tend to be more interested in marriage than men.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

9 hours ago, 5x5 said:

For my first marriage, I proposed to my ex-wife.

Whereas my wife proposed to me, for my second marriage (her first).

While one of my ex-girlfriends, between the above mentioned relationships proposed to me and I turned her down.

At the end of the day, I don't think it matters who proposes. Of which if someone wants to marry someone, they stand a far better chance of that happening if they tell them.

Why did you turn her down? How long had you two been together when she proposed?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I would never propose to a man. I want to be the only feminine one in the relationship.

[Ellener]

It's a joke I sometimes use- I had an arranged marriage; I arranged it.

I think from what you say a marriage/family situation will fail because she has an alcohol issue, not because she was the one who proposed. 

I believe in male female equality, straight down the line, of course a woman is entitled to propose to a man as much as a man to a woman. 

 

[Atwood]

Leaving relationship issues aside (because getting married for the wrong reasons and other relationship problems obviously complicate things), I'm pro-choice on the matter. Proposing is exciting and fun and more people having the option to do it sounds like a bonus to me. 

[Azincourt]

Quote

I would never propose to a man. I want to be the only feminine one in the relationship.

Does the woman herself want to get married?

Her chances of getting married increase if she asks her partner to marry her. Either she will end up married, or she won't, to that guy. With that cleared up she can move on to meet men who will marry her.

My mother asked my father in marriage. 40 years + after they're still happily married to each other. She was also the one who approached him and asked him out, but I guess my mother's pretty masculine because she wears pants, she drives a car, and she has a job so I can see why  a feminine woman would never ask the guy she supposedly loves to marry her.  *shrugs*

[mark clemson]

I personally don't see anything wrong with it + think it can be useful if it's what the woman really wants. I imagine it brings things to a head with certain recalcitrant men. It's possible I imagine to "scare the guy off" if done too early. In a case like what you describe in the OP, it may have been more just formalizing what was already the de facto reality after 10 years, and I suspect the guy recognized that. Sunken costs, but not in a negative way...

[Azincourt]

A guy who gets scared off because his long-term girlfriend proposed to him is the same guy who is going to run off when she begins talking about wanting to make a baby.  A man who sticks to outdated societal roles is not exactly a guy a woman would want to be with for the remainer of the marriage's duration.

[Ruby Slippers]

I can't see myself ever doing it. It defies all my romantic ideas about courtship and romance. I've never even asked a guy out, don't see myself ever doing that, either. I like go-getters. I wouldn't want to steal his thunder.

But if it works for others, more power to them. 

[Shining One]

3 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I want to be the only feminine one in the relationship.

How does being on the receiving end of a proposal make one feminine?

[Ellener]

9 minutes ago, Shining One said:

How does being on the receiving end of a proposal make one feminine?

That's how I feel. I've had many close relationships with both men and women and my best friends are transgender and gender fluid now.

When the church support group asked me 'what's your label' I said I'm not having any label, why do I need a label. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. And without apology!

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Thread hijack alert!

[snowboy91]

Of course it's OK for the woman to propose to the man. In today's age of gender equity, the rule that the man needs to be the one to propose seems old fashioned and arbitrary.

That being said, a lot of women prefer that the man proposes as per tradition. The only issue with that is that the woman is forced to endlessly drop hints and wait while the man puts two and two together... would it not just be easier to ask outright?

[Sunnyzwei1989]

I think it’s great but it’s not for me.  
 

I guess I’d always wonder if he said yes because he wasn’t ready yet and pressured into it.

Anytime I’ve been in a relationship for longer than three years and we’ve talked about marriage but there’s no proposal then I know he’s not interested in marriage or being married to ME.

 I figure if a man wants to marry you he will be so excited to propose he will do it himself within an acceptable timeframe.

[Woggle]

4 minutes ago, Sunnyzwei1989 said:

I think it’s great but it’s not for me.  
 

I guess I’d always wonder if he said yes because he wasn’t ready yet and pressured into it.

Anytime I’ve been in a relationship for longer than three years and we’ve talked about marriage but there’s no proposal then I know he’s not interested in marriage or being married to ME.

 I figure if a man wants to marry you he will be so excited to propose he will do it himself within an acceptable timeframe.

I must say that I was so soured by my first marriage that I swore I would never do it again and when she asked I only said yes because we were in public and I had no plans of actually marrying her. We lived together for about a year and slowly but surely I came around to the fact that this was the woman I wanted to share my life with.

[MsJayne]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't sound like you are friends. So let her do whatever is right for her.

What do you mean by that? No one's stopping her from doing what she thinks is right and no one's interfering in her life, and the person who brought it up did so because they know her & her partner very well and they're concerned. Plus I asked for an opinion on a specific topic, not a judgement.