Asking for the things she didn't tell you

[Alamo657]

I get it "it's not you it's me" is a cover for "it's you".

However, is it worth it to ask the other person to be upfront and thorough in their critic of us ? The point is to know what I've done wrong, for real, and not just hear some half truths and conflict-deflecting banalities.

I'm wondering, because my last "breakup" conversation felt like not all was said, and it's still eating up my mind.

Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

Most people won't tell you.  They sugar coat & let you down with the clichés to avoid further hurting your feelings.  

There used to be a radio show in the NYC metro area called Blown Off.  Somebody would call in about this great date they had but afterwards the other person ghosted & they have no idea.  The DJs would call the date to find out what happened.  Most people would be reluctant to say but some of the reasons were doozies from bad breath, BO, to flirting with the wait staff or getting drunk.  Once guy had previously dated the girl's mother but didn't remember.  One guy hit on his date's 16 year.  One woman showed up 7 months pregnant, but hadn't disclosed that before the date.  One girl kissed her brother on the lips in front of the date.  Another person offered the date heroin. 

Getting this  info would be helpful but most people won't be forthcoming.  

[Wiseman2]

Personally, I think the opinion of someone who dumps you should be viewed as irrelevant garbage. 

[Veronica73]

I guess it depends on the situation. If it was a longer, serious relationship, I would think that issues would have been talked about before.

There’s nothing wrong with asking, though like Donnivain said, you probably won’t get a straight answer.

But I partly agree with Wiseman2 too. One time I dated this guy (only for a couple of months) and he dumped me and proceeded to tell me all the stuff he thought was wrong with me. I was like...I have no interest in hearing his opinion about what a piece of crap he thinks I am. If it was an issue we could have worked through, then yeah, lets talk. But I certainly didn’t need to hear or listen to him criticize me after he dumped me out of the blue. Screw that.

Edited October 14, 2020 by Veronica73

[Ruby Slippers]

If he seems to want to know my grievances, I'll be clear about them during and after a relationship. I also like to hear his. It's impossible to be objective about yourself, and I appreciate when people who know me are tactfully honest about my flaws and missteps. Understanding and addressing those things is how I become a better person.

[Wiseman2]

The exit interview was popular a few decades ago. It started with firing people and telling them why and asking them opinions.

Of course the whole thing is contrived. Who tells the truth  at stuff like that without it biting you in the rear down the road.?

Now dating/relationship exit interviews also became a thing for a while. It's equally banal because it's one person's completely subjective opinion, a person who no longer wants you.

Yeah it's like asking a bunch of people who are stoning you "hey, but wait! What do you all really think of me?" 

Edited October 15, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 Most people would be reluctant to say but some of the reasons were doozies from bad breath, BO, to flirting with the wait staff or getting drunk.  Once guy had previously dated the girl's mother but didn't remember.  One guy hit on his date's 16 year.  One woman showed up 7 months pregnant, but hadn't disclosed that before the date.  One girl kissed her brother on the lips in front of the date.  Another person offered the date heroin. 

😆 With some of these examples, I'm thinking if these folks couldn't guess why they'd been dumped, they're beyond redemption.

 

22 hours ago, Alamo657 said:

I get it "it's not you it's me" is a cover for "it's you".

However, is it worth it to ask the other person to be upfront and thorough in their critic of us ? The point is to know what I've done wrong, for real, and not just hear some half truths and conflict-deflecting banalities.

I'm wondering, because my last "breakup" conversation felt like not all was said, and it's still eating up my mind.

Thanks.

 You could ask. But there's no guarantee you'll get a response or an honest one. You could always try learning about what constitutes a healthy relationship and then try to see where you and your ex belong on the scale. You could try to analyze your behavior objectively or talk to people who know you well and see what they think.

Edited October 15, 2020 by Acacia98

[FMW]

If someone had been truly interested and invested in a relationship with you at some point, they would let you know when there was a problem and what that problem was.  They would not give you a brush off reason to end the relationship.

I'm not sure any reason they would give you after you had to ask for one would have any relevance to improving yourself or your future relationships.  Basically they just weren't feeling it, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

Of course if you repeatedly have long term relationships (a few years or more) that end with "it's not you, it's me", then there might be reason to dig into it.    

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/14/2020 at 4:14 PM, Alamo657 said:

However, is it worth it to ask the other person to be upfront and thorough in their critic of us ? The point is to know what I've done wrong, for real, and not just hear some half truths and conflict-deflecting banalities.

How would you know if what they tell you is the truth, though? 

I suspect that most dumpers are not going to be keen to rehash everything and be brutally honest, even if their ex swears they're ready to hear it. 

[Alamo657]

Thanks for all the advice, I abandonned the idea.

[mark clemson]

On 10/14/2020 at 7:26 AM, d0nnivain said:

 One girl kissed her brother on the lips in front of the date.  Another person offered the date heroin.

I'm HOPING these are the most extreme (and to a certain extent entertaining) examples, and not typical, correct...?

[mark clemson]

On 10/18/2020 at 7:17 AM, Alamo657 said:

I abandonned the idea.

FWIW, I don't think anyone can give you a truly objective opinion because everyone has different issues of their own, pet peeves, neuroses, etc.

For example, a person with an avoidant attachment style might complain you were "clingy". A person with an insecure attachment style might find the exact same you to be not interested enough in them. Most feedback is subjective to a certain extent, particularly in dating IMO.