EAP is pregnant with her husbands baby

[Bear1987]

Just found out my EAP is pregnant with her husbands baby. I know I'll sound like a right d**k for admitting this but I'm not sure how i should feel about it. On the one hand I'm really happy for her as she neger thought she'd ever be able to have kids, but on the other hand I'm jealous because a big part of me wishes it were mine. I should say as well I'm in a very long term relationship with 2 kids of my own. But neither of us are particularly happy in our relationships, he cheated on her last year but she stayed with him but still doesn't 100% trust him (yea i know, me and her arent exactly model partners either). And my fiancee is incredibly selfish and makes every scenario about herself and it doesn't exactly make going home to her after a really hard day something to look forward to, especially when my EAP is so much more understanding and we're always there for one another.

Anyway the point of this post if there even is one is i need some advice on how i should feel or if i should do something about it all. We always joke about running away together but truth is even now with his baby I'd still do it. As bad as it is to say I'm in love with her, i have been for ages. She knows it but I've never said it to her, and the same vice versa. Should I tell her or keep it to myself? Its been eating at me for ages but now i feel like if i tell her she'll think I'm only telling her because of the baby........  I'm so confused

Edited October 15, 2020 by Bear1987
Spelling mistake

[DKT3]

I'm not sure you're seeing this realistically. 1) He cheated,  2) they have no kids, 3) she is in love with you but 4) stayed with him....3 of the four are facts that make the fourth pretty unlikely. 

My guess is she is using you for emotional intimacy and getting everything else from her husband.  She is future faking on running off with you because all of her actions apart from the time she spends with you suggests she not leaving her marriage. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Bear1987 said:

 (yea i know, me and her arent exactly model partners either). And my fiancee is incredibly selfish and makes every scenario about herself and it doesn't exactly make going home to her after a really hard day something to look forward to

*Puts on mechanic's cap*    Well there's your problem...

[Bonifidelifelover]

Yikes, Um Okay. Damn. So the song maybe next life time comes to mind. This one really is a tough one. I’d love to hear why u ended the affair? But if I were u, why stay with ur current girl? As much as it hurts I think u need to seek counseling to be able to cope & move on from the eap. Especially cause a baby is now on the way which it sounds like she could be over the moon about. I’m sorry. As hard as it may be u really have to move on somehow. Love stinks. The heart wants what it wants but sometimes that isn’t possible. So the best thing to do is work thru getting rid of the pining somehow. Life isn’t fair in certain love circumstances. Trust me I know. If u were a friend of mine I’d want to help u move on from this cause I think that would be the best scenario for u. Including getting out of ur current relationship. And hope that someone you can really connect with comes along & you’ll find love & happiness. Cause this whole scenario is jacked. Sorry. Seek a counselor for tactics to move along...

Edited October 15, 2020 by AngelinaCassy

[BaileyB]

The woman chose to stay with the man and is now having his baby. I say, keep your dignity and walk away... She has made her choice. 

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Yikes, Um Okay. Damn. So the song maybe next life time comes to mind. This one really is a tough one. I’d love to hear why u ended the affair? But if I were u, why stay with ur current girl? As much as it hurts I think u need to seek counseling to be able to cope & move on from the eap. Especially cause a baby is now on the way which it sounds like she could be over the moon about. I’m sorry. As hard as it may be u really have to move on somehow. Love stinks. The heart wants what it wants but sometimes that isn’t possible. So the best thing to do is work thru getting rid of the pining somehow. Life isn’t fair in certain love circumstances. Trust me I know. If u were a friend of mine I’d want to help u move on from this cause I think that would be the best scenario for u. Including getting out of ur current relationship. And hope that someone you can really connect with comes along & you’ll find love & happiness. Cause this whole scenario is jacked. Sorry. Seek a counselor for tactics to move along...

Unfortunately that isn't how the world works.  We can control stuff like this, we you first feel things getting inappropriate you bail. No one goes from 0-100 in love with someone.  You choose to fall for someone by staying attached to them.

Connection only goes so far, I'm sure he felt connected to his girlfriend,  what happened there? He chose to not water that relationship and now its all weeds.

Truth be told, people in affairs usually suck at relationships in general,  of course most believe they are amazing at it.

None of the pity stuff works, oh life isn't fair is simply not accepting responsibility for the path that one goes down in life. 

Getting real, recognizing your situation for what it is and being honest with yourself is how you navigate these situations.  

If OP stops with all the high school irresponsible stuff and tackles his reality he will be just fine.

[Bear1987]

Thanks everyone for your advice.... Thing is, I've tried to end it and walk away but life without her in it felt like i was missing a big part of me.

I should also clarify, when I say EAP i mean emotional AP not ex AP.... But admittedly it is more than emotional really as we have done and still do sexual things but never actually had sex. But weren't really sure what to call it 

[Amethyst68]

So you'd run away with her and her new baby?  What do you think  that would do to your children, or are they not a consideration? 

If you're not happy in your relationship deal with that.  You can leave and be single,  set up a home for yourself and your children and make sure they're safe and secure. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by Amethyst68

[Bear1987]

45 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

So you'd run away with her and her new baby?  What do you think  that would do to your children, or are they not a consideration? 

If you're not happy in your relationship deal with that.  You can leave and be single,  set up a home for yourself and your children and make sure they're safe and secure. 

Oh i was willing to take them too if it came to it as well as hers. I love my kids dearly so there's no way I'd ever just walk away from them

Edited October 15, 2020 by Bear1987

[Bear1987]

46 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

So you'd run away with her and her new baby?  What do you think  that would do to your children, or are they not a consideration? 

If you're not happy in your relationship deal with that.  You can leave and be single,  set up a home for yourself and your children and make sure they're safe and secure. 

Anyway the whole us running away thing was mostly fantasy talk as we both knew the likelihood of it happening was slim due to finances anyway. Especially in this current climate. But that wasn't the point of the post, the point was i dunno how i should be feeling right now and if you were in my shoes what would you do

[d0nnivain]

8 minutes ago, Bear1987 said:

 i dunno how i should be feeling right now and if you were in my shoes what would you do

You call this woman your EAP.   You make jokes about running away together.  Although you have never said it you assume she knows that you love her. 

You may have simply been the means she used to extract revenge on her husband for his affair.  However this baby is proof she wants her marriage, not you.  She's pregnant by her husband with a baby she has wanted for a while. You need to keep your mouth shut & put some distance in here.  

If your FI is a selfish  drama queen & you already find yourself looking outside the relationship for validation & emotional comfort, do not marry her.  Straighten out your own life.  Go find a quality relationship with somebody who is emotionally & physically available to you. 

But leave your pregnant friend alone.  

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

And my fiancee is incredibly selfish and makes every scenario about herself and it doesn't exactly make going home to her after a really hard day something to look forward to, especially when my EAP is so much more understanding and we're always there for one another.

Maybe if you put as much effort into your core relationship, then your fiancée may be more understanding too.
Why, with it being long term and you have two kids, are you not married?
Few women with kids flourish in "live in", temporary arrangements.
You don't get a pass for being "engaged". Commit or get out.
If you are not in it for the long haul then end it, as that will allow you all to seek happiness elsewhere.
Kids know when relationships are bad, it does them no favours to live in houses where the tension can be cut with a knife.

[Wiseman2]

What is "EAP"? It's normal natural and a happy event that she and her husband are starting a family.

This is your cue to step back and pay attention to your wife and kids.

[elaine567]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is "EAP"?

4 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

I should also clarify, when I say EAP i mean emotional AP not ex AP...

 

 

[Redhead14]

11 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

i need some advice on how i should feel or if i should do something about it all.

First of all, no one can or should tell you how to feel.  Your emotions are your emotions and they are yours to deal with.  Seek the comfort of friends and family and hobbies, etc.  And, no you shouldn't do something about it all.  It really isn't any of your business.  That is between the two of them.  And she is not obligated to you in any way, shape or form.   Making jokes about running away together without actually making a plan is . . . just a joke.  If you are smart and can get yourself mentally and emotionally grounded, you will end the EA and your engagement and look for someone with whom you can ethically and morally begin a relationship and work toward the goal of having a real relationship and future together. 

[Amethyst68]

Ever thought your fiancee acts the way she does because she can tell you're not invested in the relationship?  I wouldn't be surprised if she has some suspicion of the affair. 

BTW it's not an EA it's a straightforward PA, you and your AP indulge in sexual acts so it's a PA. Either way you can just call her your AP or your MW since she's a married woman. 

[BaileyB]

You really do need to take a step back OP and look at this situation from another perspective. The man who is having an affair, says he is in love with another woman, and fantasizing about running away with this woman and her child is claiming that his partner is selfish and everything is “all about her.” Is she really the selfish, entitled, and self-centred relationship partner? 

If you are unhappy in your relationship, deal with that. The solution to your own relationship problems will not be found with another woman. 

You are basically trying to monkey branch from one relationship to another, but it will not work. Why will it not work? Because you have created a fantasy about this woman and the reality seldom meets the fantasy. Case in point, she is pregnant with another mans child. They are starting a family together, and you should respect that.  

Edited October 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

I should also clarify, when I say EAP i mean emotional AP. But admittedly it is more than emotional really as we have done and still do sexual things but never actually had sex. But weren't really sure what to call it 

You can argue the semantics in much the same way that Clinton tries to argue that oral sex was not sex... but, I think you know you have crossed a line here. You may not want to call it a physical affair, but engaging in “sexual things” with another woman is very inappropriate for someone who is otherwise committed in another relationship. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[Zona]

I can guarantee you that if your fiancé found out you had a deep emotional attachment to another women, and that you sexually pleased each other in one way or another, it would make no difference that you never had PIV sex. In fact, most people wouldn't believe that you didn't anyway. You and your AP are both adults, so crossing the boundary into full out sex is easy. Your AP's mad-hatter spouse wouldn't believe it either.

You say you love your kids, but is this the kind of behavior a good father models to their children?

I feel sorry for your AP's child, having parents that are both cheaters. What a horrible environment to bring a child into.

 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Zona said:

I feel sorry for your AP's child, having parents that are both cheaters. What a horrible environment to bring a child into.

Agreed. If the past is any predictor of the future, family life will not be easy for this child.

[Bonifidelifelover]

Reading new comments: yikes! Definitely a no win situation & I agree to be calling ur wife the self centered or selfish one is Definitely the pot calling the kettle black situation. Focus on ur relationship, let go of this “AP”. Simple as that. 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

 if you were in my shoes what would you do

I suspect I would:

1) Leave the woman and her new child alone. (You should NOT be risking blowing up this woman's life right now, feelings and her playing along or no.)

2) Walk away from my crappy partner who I'm not even married to. Retain 50% custody of the kids if they are shared.

3) Play the field for a while and eventually find someone else who I didn't resent.

All easier said than done of course.

You are probably chasing dopamine. You get a big dopamine "hit" from your AP; you get a big dopamine "drop" from walking away from your lousy partner (even though you're not happy with her). There's more to it than that, obviously, such as your sense of identity but dopamine is a big part of what's driving your behavior. You are staying in a relationship you're unhappy with while taking big risks with the lives of all involved.

Some people seem to want to tell you you're actually not unhappy in your relationship and that your fiancee is "not so bad". Maybe they're right, but I suspect that you're genuinely unhappy enough to really want to leave, right up until the point where you're faced with really leaving. Dopamine. You can't face the emotional turmoil, much of which is a drop in dopamine. (Possibly the logistics and financial issues, but if you're not actually married, it's probably not that bad). You'll never get AP (IMO), but you might get someone you actually want to be with. But you can't face that dopamine drop.

Bottom line: IMO it's not at all fair to anyone to carry on an affair with a pregnant woman. (I mean really?!?) And it's not fair to either yourself OR her to be engaged to someone you (apparently) actually don't like, especially if you're unhappy enough to cheat on her. The cheating is a band aid on your unhappiness + the (I assume) divorce will be an absolute DISASTER if she ever finds out. I think actually marrying her is a huge disservice to everyone involved. Maybe it's time to face the music and end a relationship that really isn't working instead?

Edited October 15, 2020 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

OP,

Posts like your make me really angry. I'm angry because for all you say you're thinking about the kids here, I'm not really seeing that carried over.
Maybe it's just your wording, I don't know.
What I see is a man and a woman who are acting in a very cowardly and selfish way, and I'm not getting the impression from you that is who you really are at heart. You sound like a nice guy who would normally never get involved with a married woman. I also see two people who are willing to put their needs well before those of their kids. I expect you'll deny that, but if you really think about it, it's true. If your fiance were to find out that you have been cheating, how do you think she will react? I can pretty much guarantee you that it would impact your kids in a much more negative way than if you just ended your relationship on good and friendly terms.  The same is true even if she doesn't find out. People who are involved in affairs so often think they are getting away with out, but the reality is their partner knows, at some level, that something is up. That will impact your kids-why would you ask them to take on that burden?

Now you're asking what you should do now that your affair partner is pregnant with her husband's baby. Your head is so up in the clouds ( or up somewhere else, lol) that you don't see how ridiculous that question even is. Why do you think you have any say in the matter or really, any input at all?

The idea that she and you joke about running away together while she's pregnant is also pretty sick. Again, I'm not getting the impression that's who you really are. I would suggest you take a few steps back and look at the situation for what it is. She is showing you who she is at heart. Pay strict attention. The way she treats her husband with such a level of disrespect is who she is. That's her in a nutshell. Five years from now, you may not even remember what she looks like- is she really worth all this angst- not just to you but your kids as well?

[Bonifidelifelover]

11 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

Posts like your make me really angry. I'm angry because for all you say you're thinking about the kids here, I'm not really seeing that carried over.
Maybe it's just your wording, I don't know.
What I see is a man and a woman who are acting in a very cowardly and selfish way, and I'm not getting the impression from you that is who you really are at heart. You sound like a nice guy who would normally never get involved with a married woman. I also see two people who are willing to put their needs well before those of their kids. I expect you'll deny that, but if you really think about it, it's true. If your fiance were to find out that you have been cheating, how do you think she will react? I can pretty much guarantee you that it would impact your kids in a much more negative way than if you just ended your relationship on good and friendly terms.  The same is true even if she doesn't find out. People who are involved in affairs so often think they are getting away with out, but the reality is their partner knows, at some level, that something is up. That will impact your kids-why would you ask them to take on that burden?

Now you're asking what you should do now that your affair partner is pregnant with her husband's baby. Your head is so up in the clouds ( or up somewhere else, lol) that you don't see how ridiculous that question even is. Why do you think you have any say in the matter or really, any input at all?

The idea that she and you joke about running away together while she's pregnant is also pretty sick. Again, I'm not getting the impression that's who you really are. I would suggest you take a few steps back and look at the situation for what it is. She is showing you who she is at heart. Pay strict attention. The way she treats her husband with such a level of disrespect is who she is. That's her in a nutshell. Five years from now, you may not even remember what she looks like- is she really worth all this angst- not just to you but your kids as well?

Eek! I agree with this ^^

[Amethyst68]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I suspect I would:

1) Leave the woman and her new child alone. (You should NOT be risking blowing up this woman's life right now, feelings and her playing along or no.)

2) Walk away from my crappy partner who I'm not even married to. Retain 50% custody of the kids if they are shared.

3) Play the field for a while and eventually find someone else who I didn't resent.

All easier said than done of course.

You are probably chasing dopamine. You get a big dopamine "hit" from your AP; you get a big dopamine "drop" from walking away from your lousy partner (even though you're not happy with her). There's more to it than that, obviously, such as your sense of identity but dopamine is a big part of what's driving your behavior. You are staying in a relationship you're unhappy with while taking big risks with the lives of all involved.

Some people seem to want to tell you you're actually not unhappy in your relationship and that your fiancee is "not so bad". Maybe they're right, but I suspect that you're genuinely unhappy enough to really want to leave, right up until the point where you're faced with really leaving. Dopamine. You can't face the emotional turmoil, much of which is a drop in dopamine. (Possibly the logistics and financial issues, but if you're not actually married, it's probably not that bad). You'll never get AP (IMO), but you might get someone you actually want to be with. But you can't face that dopamine drop.

Bottom line: IMO it's not at all fair to anyone to carry on an affair with a pregnant woman. (I mean really?!?) And it's not fair to either yourself OR her to be engaged to someone you (apparently) actually don't like, especially if you're unhappy enough to cheat on her. The cheating is a band aid on your unhappiness + the (I assume) divorce will be an absolute DISASTER if she ever finds out. I think actually marrying her is a huge disservice to everyone involved. Maybe it's time to face the music and end a relationship that really isn't working instead?

For the record I never said he wasn't happy with his current partner,  indeed I suspect he's currently extremely unhappy. 

What I would question is how much of that is due to the dopamine high he gets from his AP. No ordinary partner is going to compete, going home to someone who is dealing with everyday concerns and two small children is never going to be able to give that same level of dopamine hit that AP fantasy life can give him. 

I would also question how involved he is in that family life when he goes home and how much he spends living in his fantasy trying to retain that level of fantasy high. 

Let's not also forget that many people in affairs demonize their SOs to help justify their affairs, to negate their guilt. 

Now of course, she may of course be a horrible person,  in that case it's his responsibility to be an adult.  To get himself and his children out of a poisonous situation. That's not done by cheating with a MW.