EAP is pregnant with her husbands baby

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

For the record I never said he wasn't happy with his current partner

No worries + I was responding more to a general tone in several replies rather than trying to pin things on any one particular responder. Also, everyone's entitled to their view, including those I don't happen to agree with.  (Not sure if that's you, given your post, but either way the general point holds. 🙂) Speaking generally, I do think the points you made above are valid ones for OP's situation.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

Now you're asking what you should do now that your affair partner is pregnant with her husband's baby. Your head is so up in the clouds that you don't see how ridiculous that question even is. 

This is true.

If anything, I would suggest that OP sounds pretty naive. I think a big step back from the situation would be wise because he’s not thinking very clearly... big red flags here that are being ignored. Be careful OP. 

[pepperbird2]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is true.

If anything, I would suggest that OP sounds pretty naive. I think a big step back from the situation would be wise because he’s not thinking very clearly... big red flags here that are being ignored. Be careful OP. 

This is sound advice.
If I were having an affair, my affair partner could easily be forgiven for thinking I was a certain way because I would be careful in how I presented myself. It's kind of like the early days of dating. I'd also be very cognizant of the fact, even if it was just in my own mind,  that I was always in a sort of competition with the BS.
To my "other man", I could very well seem like I was all light and sunshine, good times and understanding. Is that the real me?
no, I'm an old crank, but I sure wouldn't want him to know that.

[Bonifidelifelover]

 

Let's not also forget that many people in affairs demonize their SOs to help justify their affairs, to negate their guilt. 
 

 

^^^^
 

that! Never thought about that aspect

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 10/15/2020 at 6:47 AM, elaine567 said:

 

 

Nothing...ever...gets past....Elaine! 😃💜

🔶♦brilliant lady indeed♦🔶

[Bear1987]

Just for the record, the affair started because both of us felt as though despite the effort we were putting in to our relationships were still being ignored by our SO's or felt like that things weren't being reciprocated and both if them stopped bothering to look after their health and put on a hell of a lot of weight. So we both started to find the things we felt were missing in each other. I am not defending my reasons for beginning an affair but all the same i want to make you fully aware.

At one point we even called it off as both of us felt we ought to try to make our relationships work. So we went NC except for at work and kept it friendly and professional. This went on for a few months and her and her SO even went to couples therapy. Meanwhile i went back to my relationship and tried my hardest to communicate with my SO how I'd been feeling lately and even confessed to having an emotional affair with my friend because of the way i felt like i was on my own in our relationship. Admittedly she did begin to be more reciprocating when it came to affection and even stopped trying to make everything a competition. By which i mean if I'd stayed up with one of kids because they were sick and i said next morning "god I'm knackered" her response would be something like "well I'm tired too you know I didn't sleep well at all". Where as if it was the other way around i always consider how she must feel and say "I'm sorry to hear you had a rough night with the kids, is there anything i can do to help today so you can rest" or something along them lines. Btw we both work and her mum watches the kids in the day....

Anyway things were going good for a while but slowly things started to go back to the way it was before. Things became a competition again, things were never her fault, she began to stop caring about what she eat and put all the weight back on, the sex dried up too mainly because I was no longer attracted to her. Not because she was fat (because I'm not exactly a bean pole or mr Olympia myself but i am athletic and muscular and do try to maintain a certain build) but because she'd stopped trying to look after herself and i find that extremely unattractive. I've even mentioned it several times at the time to her and still even to this day in fact, despite the affair going on. Because its not just about sex or anything its because i dont want my kids growing up thinking its ok to be that big (yes the irony of not wanting my kids growing up thinking its fine to be obese, while having an affair and potentially making them grow up  thinking its normal is not lost on me).

Meanwhile on my MWs side, her SO s to improve because of the therapy and in fact on the times we would hang out at work on lunch we would both talk about how happy we were in our relationships. But then roughly around the same time my SO started going back to her old ways, hers began to slip too. He became distant and always in his phone when they were together but would act all good during therapy and made out like she was being touchy. Turned out he was chatting with a woman online before me and the MW had even started our EA and he hadn't stopped the whole time they were in therapy and during the time my relationship was going back to the old ways, he was arranging with this woman to meet up at a hotel which he paid for so they could have sex. He even went as far as telling my MW that he was working all night as overtime. His OW chickened out and confessed it a to my MW. Somehow she stayed with him because he begged and played the victim and said she'd been playing him along the whole time. Shortly after that things between us began to pick up again we went from just chatting in passing and at lunch, to messaging all day until it became an EA again. But then it escalated from just a regular EA to a borderline PA (we never kissed or had sex as we didn't want to blur the lines too much.... Yes i know how that sounds).

We would even go out on dates, both our SOs knew who we were going out with each time, but never knew it was as more than friends. When we go out everything is great between us, but we still go home to our SOs because despite both of us admitting to each other that we like the idea of taking things further, we also had a lot to lose if we left our partners. So instead we just kept things as they were. We chat throughout the day at work either in person or on Snapchat and we carry on when at home too especially when our SOs aren't around or asleep. When we're at work or know its "safe" well chat about everything but when our SOs are about we'll keep it friendly. We've even both admitted to each other that because both of us struggle to find our SOs attractive during sex we always use each other to get off and imagine its each other we're with. Which as wrong as it is i do like the fact that when she conceived she most likely imagining it was me. I just wish it could have been me tbh..... yeah i know how messed up that thought is

And as I'm sure some are wondering, how can i say borderline PA, it either is or isn't. Well i guess its because most of the time when we took it from an emotional affair to a sexual one it was usually via pics or vids there were also a lot of times we would play with ourselves on vid calls. And there were a few times at work she'd tease me in person to get me hard and watch me play with myself while she would do things to help get me off like touch herself. But then we'd both go home and use all that pent up frustration to help get past the lack of sexual attraction and have sex with our SOs, so that's why i say borderline because we never truly did anything physical except the occasion touch here and there.

And yes there is also the fact that we are both clearly using each other for a dopamine fix, i think it goes without saying that's pretty clear. But i dont just think shes all sunshine and rainbows. In fact there are plenty of times where we get on each others nerves and we argue. So its not like either of us are under any impression that we're both perfect or that it would be so easy if we were together.

And i know i should go NC with her especially now but she's such a big part of my life and i am to her, that it would break me to never have her in my life somehow. She's been there during my darkest times. In fact there was even a time when she got me down from the proverbial ledge because i was so low i could only see one way out. I even tried to push her away at the time but she stuck by me and helped me get through that when all i got at home was "just cheer up ffs will you, you're making me miserable". And I've been there for her during her hardest times too. 

As for my kids, i know a lot of you are basically accusing me of being a bad father but until you've walked a mile in someones shoes you should refrain from judgment. I came here asking for advice, not to gloat or ask for judgment. My children are my world and besides this MW they're the main reason i smile every day. And yes i know if i ever ran away it would hurt them. Its the main reason i would never do it. And if i were to run i would want to first fight for custody and take them with me if i could. But at the end of the day I'm well aware that is a massive fantasy which is why it never happened. And now shes pregnant too i know it definitely never will. But that being said, if tomorrow she said lets do it, me, you, your kids and this baby. I'd find it hard to say no.

Oh i should also say the reason we've been together all this time and are only engaged is because originally we both wanted to get married but we ran into a few financial issues due to her health and it got postponed. And then it was one of them things where we planned on it again and then she got pregnant both times and then she said she didn't want to get married until our kids were of an age to take part in it too.

And for those wondering, i'm well aware all this makes me sound like a horrible person and believe it or not i do hate myself for it. But if you felt alone in a relationship and there was someone outside it who made you feel better about yourself and listened to you on your down days. Or hell was just happy for your company too, are you telling me you wouldn't have found your way down this rabbit hole like i did?.... Btw I'm not asking for sympathy either, I'm well aware this mess is self made.

Anyway that's a brief into the chaos that is my life. I'm sorry I didn't explain it all in the first instance, but i never expected people to suddenly just start saying i was demonising my SO or calling me a bad dad or even questioning the reason I'm not married. All the OP was about was a way for me to get across how i felt upon hearing the news that she's now pregnant

Btw I'm sorry if some of that sounds like the ramblings of a madman or doesn't make sense, i was just trying to get everything out in one go

 

[mark clemson]

JMO, but it sounds like you're stuck in a bad relationship but not willing to leave it. So AP is a bit of a band aid - you are getting part of what you'd get from a "good" relationship from her. I don't think staying with your fiancee and continuing the affair is fair to ANY of the adults involved, including yourself. Doing the work to leave it would pay off eventually, although presumably breaking it off would be somewhat distressing for the kids.

Dunno what to tell you, but if you think you feel guilty about this now, just WAIT until her husband finds out with the new kid.

Or maybe your SO's have it figured out already and don't really care that much, who knows. He cheats, he lets her cheat, your SO is in denial. Something like that.

I don't' think it's judgemental to say this whole thing sounds quite dysfunctional - just stating a fact.

Not sure what else to tell you...

Edited October 16, 2020 by mark clemson

[Zona]

Your SO's may be partly or mostly responsible for the crappy state of your marriages, but you and your MW AP are 100% responsible for the affair. Your long post just sounded like a lot of blame shifting and rationalization to me. The affair is 100% on you, same goes with your AP.

Edited October 17, 2020 by Zona

[BaileyB]

It is the old saying - if you are not happy in your relationship, you have the right to a divorce, not an affair. 

The usual argument is - I chose this affair as a solution to my unhappy relationship only because it is in the best interest of the children that the family stays together... Well if that is true, how wise is it to engage in behavior that would threaten the very stability of the family unit you are trying to keep together...

 

[DKT3]

Maybe I missed something,  but are you saying that her husband was having a concurrent affair? And she didn't know until she was already involved with you, when his affair partner called and told her? Ill be honest,  sounds to me like she is making this up as she goes. Earlier you insinuated that she got involved with you because he cheated on her. 

In my first post here I said you weren't seeing this clearly,  the more you post the more evident it is the you are blindly going through this. Maybe just delusional. 

[Bear1987]

56 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Maybe I missed something,  but are you saying that her husband was having a concurrent affair? And she didn't know until she was already involved with you, when his affair partner called and told her? Ill be honest,  sounds to me like she is making this up as she goes. Earlier you insinuated that she got involved with you because he cheated on her. 

In my first post here I said you weren't seeing this clearly,  the more you post the more evident it is the you are blindly going through this. Maybe just delusional. 

I did insinuated nothing, the facts are he was cheating on her and last year him and his AP decided to go to a hotel. I've seen the msgs she got sent had had to deal with MW at work being emotional because of it so i know for a fact its not made up. And by that point or affair had stopped for about 3 months as both of our relationships were doing good and around the end of those 3 months is when he'd decided to do what he did of book a room and that's when she found out

My affair has been going on and off for almost 2yrs and he confessed what he'd done after she'd confronted him but at the time our affair had stopped. In fact im pretty sure i said that this happened during the time we were trying to get our lifes back to normal and focus on or own relationships

[d0nnivain]

However you & her started, whatever lies you want to tell yourself in an attempt to justify what you did, the fact remains she is pregnant with her husband's baby.  Take that as concrete proof that she want to fix her marriage.  Stay away from her.  Either fix your engagement or break up but stop cheating.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

the facts are he was cheating on her

My affair has been going on and off for almost 2yrs and he confessed what he'd done after she'd confronted him but at the time our affair had stopped. 

So when ever she catches him cheating she runs to you to revenge cheat?

[pepperbird2]

OP,

it sounds to me like you place a lot of value of being a  family man. That's great, but I would caution you with regard to the impact an affair can have on your kids.

Ours found out about my husband's affair, short as it was, by overhearing community gossip[( small community, big mouths). They asked about it, and after a misstep (lying about it) we decided together to tell them the truth. He took 100 percent responsibility for it, didn't minimize his actions and answered all their questions as honestly as he could, keeping in mind their age.

Even though we had a good outcome, it still impacted them. My daughters don't trust men much when it comes to being faithful in a relationship, and it has impacted them. their dad was their hero- the sun rose and set on him. After that, he wasn't that to them anymore. It was really sad, because he loves them so much. They're adults now, and even after all this time, the memory of that still impacts them. It's not fair to the male population, but they do think men can't be trusted to keep their zipper firmly in the upright position.

If you don't think you and your fiance have what it takes to have a successful relationship/marriage, it's sad, but it is what it is. If your kids see you putting in the hard work and ending it ethically, you will be teaching them a huge lesson about honesty, responsibility etc. If it ends because of an affair, they may well learn a very different lesson, one you really don't want to teach.

Think of it as playing the long game. Use your children as a measure-what will be best for them?

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/15/2020 at 2:02 AM, Bear1987 said:

As bad as it is to say I'm in love with her, i have been for ages. She knows it but I've never said it to her, and the same vice versa. Should I tell her or keep it to myself? 

Sincere question, but what do you think telling her would accomplish?

Or better yet, what do you hope it would accomplish? 

Somewhere in the back of your "Wildest Dreams" file, are you hoping this would inspire her to leave her husband and actually give things a try with you, pregnant and all?

[Bear1987]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sincere question, but what do you think telling her would accomplish?

Or better yet, what do you hope it would accomplish? 

Somewhere in the back of your "Wildest Dreams" file, are you hoping this would inspire her to leave her husband and actually give things a try with you, pregnant and all?

I honestly have no idea to tell you the truth. I think more than anything I don't really care if it inspires her to leave him for me pregnant and all. I just want to be rid of this wait i constantly feel from wanting to tell her.

The out come doesn't really concern me expect for the fear that now shes in the condition shes in she'll never want to talk to me again, because she'll think I'm only telling her in the hopes she'll leave him for me. Which like i say, it really isn't the case

[Bear1987]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

it sounds to me like you place a lot of value of being a  family man. That's great, but I would caution you with regard to the impact an affair can have on your kids.

Ours found out about my husband's affair, short as it was, by overhearing community gossip[( small community, big mouths). They asked about it, and after a misstep (lying about it) we decided together to tell them the truth. He took 100 percent responsibility for it, didn't minimize his actions and answered all their questions as honestly as he could, keeping in mind their age.

Even though we had a good outcome, it still impacted them. My daughters don't trust men much when it comes to being faithful in a relationship, and it has impacted them. their dad was their hero- the sun rose and set on him. After that, he wasn't that to them anymore. It was really sad, because he loves them so much. They're adults now, and even after all this time, the memory of that still impacts them. It's not fair to the male population, but they do think men can't be trusted to keep their zipper firmly in the upright position.

If you don't think you and your fiance have what it takes to have a successful relationship/marriage, it's sad, but it is what it is. If your kids see you putting in the hard work and ending it ethically, you will be teaching them a huge lesson about honesty, responsibility etc. If it ends because of an affair, they may well learn a very different lesson, one you really don't want to teach.

Think of it as playing the long game. Use your children as a measure-what will be best for them?

You're absolutely right and i have a lot to think about.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

I honestly have no idea to tell you the truth. I think more than anything I don't really care if it inspires her to leave him for me pregnant and all. I just want to be rid of this wait i constantly feel from wanting to tell her.

The out come doesn't really concern me expect for the fear that now shes in the condition shes in she'll never want to talk to me again, because she'll think I'm only telling her in the hopes she'll leave him for me. Which like i say, it really isn't the case

I just think that telling her isn't going to do anything but make this worse, for both of you: for her because she's pregnant and doesn't need the added stress that will come with such a confession, and for you because it will hurt you more when you tell her and nothing changes. 

This was going to come to an end sooner or later, as I'm sure you realize in the rational part of your brain. That end has arrived. Now begins what you've been putting off, which is confronting what sounds like a dead relationship at home and deciding to finally sh*t or steal third. 

 

[Redhead14]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So when ever she catches him cheating she runs to you to revenge cheat?

It sounds to me like the OP is her emotional tampon for dealing with the downs of her marriage.  However, this woman is still having sex with her husband, apparently.  Something doesn't add up.  If her husband cheats on her frequently and she's considering more than an emotional affair with the OP, things must be pretty bad in that household.  It's hard to imagine her having sex with him under those conditions.  It's not like maybe he had a one-off affair and they are trying to manage.  Multiple affairs by her husband, she's having at least an emotional affair but she got pregnant by her husband???  Is there perhaps another affair partner with whom she is being physical????

[Bear1987]

8 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

It sounds to me like the OP is her emotional tampon for dealing with the downs of her marriage.  However, this woman is still having sex with her husband, apparently.  Something doesn't add up.  If her husband cheats on her frequently and she's considering more than an emotional affair with the OP, things must be pretty bad in that household.  It's hard to imagine her having sex with him under those conditions.  It's not like maybe he had a one-off affair and they are trying to manage.  Multiple affairs by her husband, she's having at least an emotional affair but she got pregnant by her husband???  Is there perhaps another affair partner with whom she is being physical????

I never said he had multiple affairs in any of my posts. All i said was he had been unfaithful since before we started and it only came to light after his OW confessed to MW. And i even said that we had both been trying to make our own relationships work, but at the same time as things haven't really improved we slipped back into our arrangement. As well as stating neither of us find our partners all that sexually attractive but because we both have a lot to lose we never had sex with each other, so we would use the sexual frustration we would get from being around each other or from messaging each other and sleep with our SO's

[Redhead14]

13 hours ago, Bear1987 said:

I never said he had multiple affairs in any of my posts. All i said was he had been unfaithful since before we started and it only came to light after his OW confessed to MW. And i even said that we had both been trying to make our own relationships work, but at the same time as things haven't really improved we slipped back into our arrangement. As well as stating neither of us find our partners all that sexually attractive but because we both have a lot to lose we never had sex with each other, so we would use the sexual frustration we would get from being around each other or from messaging each other and sleep with our SO's

Ok, I misunderstood or missed something.  Good luck.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

When it comes right down to it, the idea that you would even ask what you should do about your affair partner being pregnant with her husband's baby shows how disordered this whole situation is. 
Really think about that.

[LynneVicious]

There’s no way anyone can have a successful relationship with their partners while they’re in an active affair. You either go NC and eliminate your AP and focus 100% on your marriage and family, or you leave. 

End your current toxic relationship and take the time to heal, then move on and find someone else who fits with you. Right now, you’re fighting a constant uphill battle, and the best outcome if you continue  is the destruction of two families with a slim to none chance you and your AP will work out long term. Think about that. 

[snowcones]

I'm late, but what you should do is end your relationship with her for the good of both of you and both of your families, because it can't go anywhere and there is much to lose if it's found out.

So how do you cope after you've ended it?  You just do.  You treat it as if the person died and there's nothing you can do to bring them back.  In time you will get over it and you should do everything in your power to be kind to yourself and get back healthy again.

Edited October 26, 2020 by snowcones