Currently going through a divorce

[brokenanddiscarded]

I am 37 F, with four children, 16, 14, 8 and 3. I have been married to this man for almost 18yrs in December. Our whole marriage has been horrid. The first ten years he was using drugs and very physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically abusive to me. I finally got away when he threatened my boy's lives. However, we ended up back together because the courts started moving too fast towards letting him have unsupervised visits. It scared me, so when he started approaching me again, I gave up. Fast forward ten years and here I am on the other side of the table. The last ten years have been every type of abuse except for physical. He got a job in April of this year 2 hours away from where we was living. He started refusing to come back and see the kids, asked for a divorce and then changed his mind. Then he convinced me to get rid of everything in this house and buy all new things for his house. He never helped me pack and move or clean up anything. Instead he slowly took everything out of the house that was important to him and then ran to court and got an ex parte order granting him physical custody of my children, all based on lies. He won't let me talk to them except when he deems it's okay. I haven't seen my girls in two weeks, my boys even longer, and one of my boy's is still inpatient due to suicidal thoughts because he does not want to be around his dad. He tried to take out a PO on me the beginning of September and then dropped it and now he's trying to get another one. He is telling everyone I have zero rights to my children and that I cannot talk to them at all. Him and his mother have been very abusive to my children, for example his mother cut my 3 yr olds braid out all because she hates me and I had put it in her hair. I'm so broken and sad and don't know what to do without my kids. Anyone else been in a similar situation and it turned out positive? I'm scared I am going to lose my kids forever to this psycho.

[d0nnivain]

You need a lawyer.  If the original order was ex parte, get it invalidated 

Good luck.  

[Wiseman2]

Do you have an attorney? Are you legally separated? You are operating so emotionally and that works against you.

You need expert legal advice.

How was he able to get a restraining order against you? How was he able to get full custody of the kids?

What was the deal with packing up "his" house, but he moved and you live there?

Is this a forced or arranged marriage? Do you live in a culture, country or jurisdiction where mothers have no rights to their children?

[boymommy]

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I divorced an emotionally abusive narcissisist 3 years ago and (albeit your situation sounds more severe then mine) my ex husband has also put me through the ringer with some of the stuff he has pulled. What has helped me tremendously is to stay in therapy and to get a lawyer. Also I blocked his phone number and ONLY communicate with him through email. I ignore anything that is not about our kids and literally give me zero personal info about myself because he will use it against me. It me a really really long time in therapy to be able to implement these boundaries, and because of this my ex husband continued to be abusive to me until just recently! Imagine 3 years after your divorce your ex husband still doing that to you! 

So two main things: get a therapist, get a lawyer...everything else you will learn about and implement over time. But those are the two main things you need to do pronto! 

[FMW]

Definitely get an attorney. A mother losing access to her children without having any chance to be heard by the Court is unlikely absent extreme extenuating circumstances.  Don't rely on anyone else's experience or thoughts - get a lawyer to fight for you - immediately.    

Edited October 15, 2020 by FMW

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

Any updates @brokenanddiscarded?

[gamon]

On 10/15/2020 at 12:56 AM, brokenanddiscarded said:

I finally got away when he threatened my boy's lives. However, we ended up back together because the courts started moving too fast towards letting him have unsupervised visits.

then ran to court and got an ex parte order granting him physical custody of my children, all based on lies. He won't let me talk to them except when he deems it's okay. I haven't seen my girls in two weeks, my boys even longer

his mother cut my 3 yr olds braid out all because she hates me and I had put it in her hair.

Clearly there's a lot more to this story and we're getting only one very twisted side of it. Several things make no sense. It's extremely difficult for a man to get an order a) getting sole custody and b) prohibiting mom from seeing the children- and even if he did it ex-parte, if it was all based on lies it would have been dismissed when you got your opportunity to present your case to the court. Especially given the so-called "years of abuse" and his unwillingless to see the children for long periods of time after he moved out and got his own place and the history of him supposedly being limited to supervised visits.

You say you went back to him because the courts were ,moving towards allowing him unsupervised visits. So what? First of all it hadn't even happened yet and secondly even if the courts were in fact moving towards allowing him to see the children without a third party present, it's no better that he has unfeettered access to them in your own home, you can't be there all the time to make sure he doesn't do anything, the whole concept and strategy as you present it makes zero sense.

Finally you say mother in law "cut your child's braids because she hates you". It could have been for any number of reasons and yet you jump right to that conclusion.

Based on the relatively limited amount of information available in your rather short and only post, there are very troubling signs and I highly recommend you get professional help, if it hasn't already been ordered by the same court that is prohibiting you from seeing your children.

 

 

Edited November 9, 2020 by gamon