Leaving a water torturer

[Daisy_Best]

I found another thread from myself in this forum by chance from 7 years ago. How naive I sounded and totally confused. I even had someone reply to me that I sounded so insecure. 

I have been going round and round to find out what was wrong with me and my marriage, was it me? being needy, insecure and inferior and here I find myself feeling the same after 7 years of struggle in marriage but having achieved so many accomplishments in life and career otherwise.

Then I read a book suggested by someone whose problems sounded so much like mine, the book is called 'why does he do that?' and then it was a mystery solved. 

He had calmly, gradually, with a low voice and by best tactics degraded me, blamed me for everything gone wrong in his life, criticised me for what I do and who I am and claimed all our life's success and even my professional success his making. Fits perfectly in the water torturer abuser category ( as per the book above).

So now, I have decided to leave, but like any other abused woman, I am used to always finding an excuse for his behaviour, thinking it is my job to teach him how to love and respect me and I am afraid to make this mistake again. 

I just want to break free, I feel trapped. I have put 15 years into this marriage,  built an accomplished and successful life while feeling inferior and empty inside, and now I have to leave it all behind. Start from scratch and learn to appreciate my life and myself. But how do I do that?

[alphamale]

I really don't know what advice to give you.  But I wish you the best of luck...

[FMW]

Seek out a professional counselor with experience/expertise with the issues you're dealing with.  It's going to take a while to undo long established patterns, unfortunately there are no quick and easy answers.  A counselor can work through things with you at your own pace.

Leaving without further hesitation is really important, cut off his access to mess with your head any more.  Make yourself your priority.  It will be hard to let go of feeling responsible or obligated to continue communicating with and caring for him, but nothing will change until you focus on what's best for you.  Getting and maintaining distance from him will give you clarity over time as to what you want and what makes you happy.    

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Daisy_Best said:

 But how do I do that?

Reading that book was a good 1st step.  Getting into therapy & maybe finding a support group would be a 2nd step.  When you are feeling strong enough step 3 is a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. 

When you are free of him then you work with the therapist to do the work to build back your self esteem.  

[mark clemson]

On 10/15/2020 at 5:22 AM, Daisy_Best said:

I just want to break free, I feel trapped. I have put 15 years into this marriage,  built an accomplished and successful life while feeling inferior and empty inside, and now I have to leave it all behind.

If that is your decision, then perhaps realize you're not leaving it ALL behind, just the bad part.

[Wiseman2]

Your first stop needs to be with an attorney. Since you are legally married you'll have to get divorced.

You can separate, but you need expert legal advice before you make a move.

The most important thing now is to remain calm,cool and collected.

Slowly but surely extricate yourself from this. That means you need to do everything privately, confidentially and stealthy.

Do not talk to him about your marriage or feelings. Act like business as usual while you develop your exit strategy.

Do not just flee, that could have repercussions legally, financially,etc.

Talk to an attorney. Self help books are great, it's good you decided you need to leave. But... that all means nothing without a legal and viable exit plan.