Need hope or something after not hearing from Ex Girlfriend for 5 weeks

[Badabing85]

So I meet this girl in AA back in February. She was 4 months sober and I was 14 months. I had been separated from my wife for 15+ months and My divorce was still pending. Me and this girl started hanging out all the time and things got more serious. We had a great relationship, supported each other’s recovery and understood each other’s past and baggage. Fast forward to July and we start telling each other we love one another and things were great. 
 

Then one day her sponsor decided to message my soon to be ex wife on Facebook and tell her that I was dating one of her sponsees. This really though a wrench in the divorce and my new relationship. She struggled with it because her sponsor did not approve and stayed on her about it. We took about a week off and got back together. Things got back to normal right away and spend almost everyday together after work. I’d go hangout with her and her kids, go to her kids sporting events l, etc. if her kids were ever home I’d either not stay the night or sleep in the couch. Her daughter heard us have sex one night several months back so we stopped sleeping together in bed while they were home. 
 

she went out of town for a week in September and we talked everyday she was gone and she kept telling me she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. She asked me to come over as soon as they got back and we hung out for several day before the next part. So one Friday night I was over there hanging out and her kids had friends over to spend the night. We had a good night and she told me she loved me and how grateful she was that we found each other. How strong the emotional connection was, how safe she felt with me and how much she trusted me. It got late that night and she asked asked her daughter if I could stay in the room with the mom just for the night. Her daughter told me no, so the mom said I could sleep on the live seat since there were so many kids there. I tried to sleep but I’m 6’3” and the love seat was uncomfortable and was loud with all the kids so I left. I sent her a message and told her I couldn’t sleep and asked if everything was ok she just seemed a little off. The next morning she sent a text saying she was sorry for the sleeping arrangements and had just been really tired and was also in a “need space headspace” I said ok, she then said and if I’m being honest you have said and done a few things that have been on my mind and remind me of past relationships. (Has been in a couple abusive unhealthy relationship). I asked her what and she said you have made a couple comments about when while watching TV and taking about cars, you also didn’t help be get the pizza out of the car the other night, and that I was hung up on worldly things. I told her I was sorry about the comments and that I didn’t mean anything by it. Told her just didn’t even think about the pizza and reminded her off all the stuff I do and I felt like she was just looking for something. I then made a huge mistake... I said well if we are being honest then I think you should stop letting your daughter make the decision on everything, you are the mom and I understand taking her into account but you could also sit her down and talk to her about us, it’s not like we are a fling plus I’m sure you never made any of your other BFs sleep on the couch all the time.  Well that didn’t go over well and later that night we talked on the phone and it didn’t go well and we were both short and she said she was done and couldn’t do this anymore. I then drove to her house and she was not happy I was there, I told her I wasn’t staying long and that I was sorry about crossing any boundaries with her and her daughter and that wasn’t my place and I hoped we would talk about it. She told me how mad it made her and there was nothing to talk about, that she wasn’t looking for anything right now and didn’t have time... and I needed to leave. So I did. I didn’t text or call her for a few days but her 15 year old son would text me about his football mainly but also he hoped me and his mom would work it out. He invited me to his football game and told me I should go over and talk to his mom.. why I listened to a 15 year old I don’t know. So a week after we broke up I went back to her house and she was not too happy to see me. We talked for about 15 mins and I told her about her son texting. I asked about the game and she told me that she couldn’t tell me what to do. So I went, sat by myself and never acknowledged she was there... sent her son a text after the game telling him good job and I was proud of him. He text me though the week about football again and invited me to his next game. I told him he needed to talk to his mom about it. Later he told me she said for me not to come. I said ok no problem and good luck. Also at some point during this time she blocked me on Instagram. 
 

That night her sponsors husband called me and told me she didn’t know he was calling but it was pathetic I would use a 15 year old boy to her in his moms panties. Told him that was the furthest thing from the truth that I care about the boy and loved his mom. Was not a pleasant phone call that was honestly unbelievable and crossed so many lines. After that call I sent her a message apologizing if I made her uncomfortable or crossed any lines that I wasn’t trying to manipulate or anything negative. And that I wasn’t upset with her about us not working out and that I wished the 3 of them nothing but the best and happiness and hoped we could leave any remaining interaction on good terms. That was almost 3 weeks ago and haven’t heard from her. We broke up almost 5 weeks ago. It’s got easier on me but I still think about her all the time. I’ve started going to the gym everyday, hanging out with a lot of my people from AA and just trying to stay busy. I talked to my therapist about it a lot and she says to not contact her at all. So i haven’t, we also talked about her being a fearful avoidant and me being a anxious avoidant. I have gone on a few dates and they have been fine but they aren’t her... I know I’ll be fine in the long run but still miss her. Guess any advice or encouraging words of hope... do y’all think she is really done or that maybe she is still trying to figure things out 5 weeks later. Her one year sobriety bday was last week and I wanted to text her so bad but didn’t. I had already bought her a recovery bible but didn’t give it to her. I personally think her and her sponsors relationship is a little unhealthy and crosses a lot of lines. Her sponsors’ sponsor even told me that. I think that played a big role in us breaking up, plus I know she felt bad for dating a married man. My divorcée got delayed bc of the stuff that went down, but all my new papers are signed and filed. Lost the overnights for 2 years with my girls as a result of her sponsor contacting my soon to be ex wife... anyways I know that was long and if you made it here thank you and let me know what you think! 

[d0nnivain]

AA advocates that someone not try dating until they have 1 full year of sobriety under their belt.  Why were you trying to date a fellow recoveree in violation of that basic tenant?  The idea that your GF was not listening to her sponsor is further proof IMO that she makes bad decisions & is not ready to date.  

That said I think the sponsors & their spouses in here need to learn boundaries.  How dare your GF's sponsor call your EX-W?  That is beyond the scope. 

You were wrong to try for a sleep over while her children were having a slumber party.  You were sober.  You should have gone home.  For you to insinuate that she was promiscuous (think S word) because she let other men in her bed in front of her children & their friends, probably when she was drinking, was a nasty thing to say.  In her shoes I'd never speak to again for that comment alone. 

Once you broke up it was wrong & creepy for you to still talk to her teenaged son.   She's not your GF any more.  Your relationship with her wasn't long enough to justify you still being in the boy's life.   If the kid contacts you again, send him a text back, copy to his mother, (including the mom is critical) along the following lines: 

Thanks for reaching out.  While your mom & I were dating I enjoyed getting to know you.  You are a great kid & a heck of a football player.  You have a bright future ahead of you.  Unfortunately since I'm not dating your mom any more it's inappropriate for us to stay in touch.   I hope you understand.  

Then you need to not respond to the kid unless he's reaching out about a true life & death emergency.   

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Badabing85 said:

So I meet this girl in AA back in February. She was 4 months sober and I was 14 months. I had been separated from my wife for 15+ months

Then one day her sponsor decided to message my soon to be ex wife on Facebook and tell her that I was dating one of her sponsees.

she said she was done and couldn’t do this anymore. I then drove to her house and she was not happy I was there

Sorry to hear this. Slow down. Way too much way too soon.

 

Step 13 is a frequent problem  that doesn't end well: 

Quote

 

However, the modern day interpretation of 13th stepping, the 13th step of AA, is when an individual whom is already established within the fellowship preys on newcomers to the group. This can be in terms of getting a new member to do unpaid work (volunteering is a healthy part of a recovery plan, but not in order to benefit another member personally), or making sexual advances towards them.

The danger in starting a relationship within AA is that it creates a differing power ratio where someone is gaining power over someone who is weaker, and it can endanger both of their sobriety. It is important not to assume that anyone being friendly is out to get something, however it is worth having your wits about you and not becoming too close before you can be sure of the person’s intentions. The standard recommendation is not to enter into a relationship with anyone until you are at least a year into recovery.

 

 

[Badabing85]

L

Edited October 15, 2020 by Badabing85
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[Badabing85]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Slow down. Way too much way too soon.

 

Step 13 is a frequent problem  that doesn't end well: 

 

Think everyone is getting to hung up on the AA side of this. Wasn’t preying or even 13th stepping. This was a relationship, both equal... I finished my steps and she finished her while we were together. We both see a therapist weekly, we are both involved at the place we went to treatment. Both of our recovery is strong. We had separate recovery programs but were there to support each other and listen. She had her group of AA women and I have my group of AA guys. I wasn’t really looking for people’s thoughts on AA. More advice with her and how to proceed and if people really think it’s completely over or if she is just hurt and scared and will reach out one day?

[Badabing85]

29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

AA advocates that someone not try dating until they have 1 full year of sobriety under their belt.  Why were you trying to date a fellow recoveree in violation of that basic tenant?  The idea that your GF was not listening to her sponsor is further proof IMO that she makes bad decisions & is not ready to date.  

That said I think the sponsors & their spouses in here need to learn boundaries.  How dare your GF's sponsor call your EX-W?  That is beyond the scope. 

You were wrong to try for a sleep over while her children were having a slumber party.  You were sober.  You should have gone home.  For you to insinuate that she was promiscuous (think S word) because she let other men in her bed in front of her children & their friends, probably when she was drinking, was a nasty thing to say.  In her shoes I'd never speak to again for that comment alone. 

Once you broke up it was wrong & creepy for you to still talk to her teenaged son.   She's not your GF any more.  Your relationship with her wasn't long enough to justify you still being in the boy's life.   If the kid contacts you again, send him a text back, copy to his mother, (including the mom is critical) along the following lines: 

Thanks for reaching out.  While your mom & I were dating I enjoyed getting to know you.  You are a great kid & a heck of a football player.  You have a bright future ahead of you.  Unfortunately since I'm not dating your mom any more it's inappropriate for us to stay in touch.   I hope you understand.  

Then you need to not respond to the kid unless he's reaching out about a true life & death emergency.   

It’s not “against” any rules to date. I felt like I was in a place to and it wasn’t my place to tell her she should or shouldn’t date. She felt like she was ready and it happened. Her sponsor didn’t care that she was dating she cared bc my divorce wasn’t final. 
 

Right or wrong I stayed a lot bc I live 45 mins from her and it was already 12 at night the night all that went down. And yes I should not have made that comment but people say and do dumb stuff when they are hurt. I wouldn’t think that one sentence would wipe away 9 months of good. And I know I handled the situation with the son wrong. If I could do it different I would, but I can’t go back. We all make questionable decisions when we are hurting and scared. To go from being together almost daily for 8 months to done over that seems extreme. 

[d0nnivain]

You are getting a divorce.  That is extreme.  Ending a dating relationship is just change.  

While you may have been ready to date I think you needed to recognize that she was too new to sobriety & taken a step back.  

Right, wrong or indifferent your relationship with her has ended.  Leave it be.  Don't add more stress to her life by trying for reconciliation a 3rd time.  She's made it clear she's done.  Respect that.  Talk to your sponsor.  Change AA groups if you have to.  Focus on completing your divorce.  Find a new hobby.  You will get through this.  

[Badabing85]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

You are getting a divorce.  That is extreme.  Ending a dating relationship is just change.  

While you may have been ready to date I think you needed to recognize that she was too new to sobriety & taken a step back.  

Right, wrong or indifferent your relationship with her has ended.  Leave it be.  Don't add more stress to her life by trying for reconciliation a 3rd time.  She's made it clear she's done.  Respect that.  Talk to your sponsor.  Change AA groups if you have to.  Focus on completing your divorce.  Find a new hobby.  You will get through this.  

No doubt. That’s good advice and what I’ve been doing. Talking to sponsor and a lot of people in program about it, plus my therapist. I’ve started going to the gym daily with one of my AA friends and it’s been great. Got a new comer who’s struggling so I talk to him a lot and gets me out of self for sure. Just praying for Gods will a lot and having faith in that. It’s just hard when you are venerable and let your walls completely down and truly love someone for who they are, the good and bad then it ends over something that could be talked about and worked though. 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Badabing85 said:

That night her sponsors husband called me and told me she didn’t know he was calling but it was pathetic I would use a 15 year old boy to her in his moms panties. Told him that was the furthest thing from the truth that I care about the boy and loved his mom. Was not a pleasant phone call that was honestly unbelievable and crossed so many lines.

You need to report that sponsor and her husband to AA--she's not supposed to be discussing people's business with her husband. That was a breach of your privacy and she needs to be reprimanded for that.

I think you need to not put this much store in someone with so little time sober---she is closer to relapsing than you are and it would seem that she's too tied up in being friends with her teenager than she is being her parent--and it could be her guilt for being a drunk that she allows her to run things.  I'll admit you probably should not have been there having sex while her children were in the house, but since this woman won't check her kid, her kid laid down the law as far as you are concerned.

Edited October 15, 2020 by kendahke

[Badabing85]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are getting a divorce.  That is extreme.  Ending a dating relationship is just change.  

While you may have been ready to date I think you needed to recognize that she was too new to sobriety & taken a step back.  

Right, wrong or indifferent your relationship with her has ended.  Leave it be.  Don't add more stress to her life by trying for reconciliation a 3rd time.  She's made it clear she's done.  Respect that.  Talk to your sponsor.  Change AA groups if you have to.  Focus on completing your divorce.  Find a new hobby.  You will get through this.  

Yea was talking to my therapist about that. The divorce was extreme 2 years ago when it started. I worked though that.  The thing that gets me is I never felt about my marriage or the end of it as I feel about this one. That the part that is driving me insane. 

[Badabing85]

1 minute ago, kendahke said:

You need to report that sponsor and her husband to AA--she's not supposed to be discussing people's business with her husband. That was a breach of your privacy and she needs to be reprimanded for that.

I don’t think you can “report” stuff like that. Is it frowned upon, yes but there are no “rules” in AA. Just suggestions. People are free to do what they want. I’ve had so many people tell me in the program how wrong that was and wrong for him to call and threaten me. She could of let me know if it were an issue. A simple text and ask me to please stop would of been it. 

[Badabing85]

5 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You need to report that sponsor and her husband to AA--she's not supposed to be discussing people's business with her husband. That was a breach of your privacy and she needs to be reprimanded for that.

I think you need to not put this much store in someone with so little time sober---she is closer to relapsing than you are and it would seem that she's too tied up in being friends with her teenager than she is being her parent--and it could be her guilt for being a drunk that she allows her to run things.  I'll admit you probably should not have been there having sex while her children were in the house, but since this woman won't check her kid, her kid laid down the law as far as you are concerned.

100% agree. We even talked about that before, about how guilty she felt bc of lost time. It doesn’t matter if she’s been at work all day long and worn out as soon as she gets home if they ask her for something she does it, if they want a candy bar she will leave and go get it for them. Then come back cook dinner, take the dogs out, get the son to practice etc... It wears her out, I tried to help her as much as I could to make it easier in her but she doesn’t like help and wants to do it all herself. And yes sleeping with her while they were there was wrong and that’s why we stopped it. The night before we broke up we weren’t trying to have sex just go to sleep bc it was so late. I just like being there for her and trying to make life easier on her.. she as a lot going on in life and getting sober is tough. I’m so proud of her one year... hope she knows that!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Badabing85 said:

The thing that gets me is I never felt about my marriage or the end of it as I feel about this one. That the part that is driving me insane. 

You weren't sober then. You still need to work on sober coping skills.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she's in any emotional place to have a relationship right now. 

And when she is, she probably won't choose a partner she met at AA. The same goes for you, I'll bet. You will likely meet someone outside that circle who isn't struggling with sobriety on top of just getting through life. 

[elaine567]

It is quite common for relationships to not survive sobriety.
As the  person gets better and puts things into perspective, they may want to ditch those previously around them, in favour of people who are not associated with alcohol or treatment.
Dating an ex alcoholic is probably not the best idea for a recovering alcoholic, she probably now realises that.

[Badabing85]

35 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is quite common for relationships to not survive sobriety.
As the  person gets better and puts things into perspective, they may want to ditch those previously around them, in favour of people who are not associated with alcohol or treatment.
Dating an ex alcoholic is probably not the best idea for a recovering alcoholic, she probably now realises that.

Not sure if I understand you right but we didn’t meet until we were both sober. As far as the other I disagree. We have to surround ourselves with people in recovery or have been in treatment. It’s how the program works. Not saying have to date someone in recovery but for me it’s not a bad thing if you support each other’s recovery. Can actually make the relationship strong bc of shared interest and a group of sober people to be friends with and do sober things with. 

[elaine567]

Yes i agree a network of "sober" friends is part of the program and helpful BUT dating in the early part of recovery is not recommended. Emotional instability is common in alcoholics and dating does not help with that. The emotional turmoil associated with relationships can sabotage recovery.
Some merely substitute their alcohol adduction with a love addiction and never really address their core issue.
Once the love goes they are back to stage one and turn back to alcohol.

On 10/15/2020 at 5:05 PM, Badabing85 said:

. I wouldn’t think that one sentence would wipe away 9 months of good.

You may not think that, as you are trying to defend what you said, but "one sentence" can often easily wipe out an entire relationship, of course it can.
 

[Wiseman2]

Reiterating what is/isn't against any dating "rules" is not helpful , because as adults it's a recommendation and sadly and painfully you have now found out why it's not recommended..