mark clemson Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 14 hours ago, 4paws said: He hasn't ever forbid me to talk to any men except my ex husband. Which with him he gave me an option and i chose my husband. But I guess not fully becauseI disrespectedhis wishes that I did agree to. I was a complete hypocrite to him because I wouldve been extremely angry if he talked to one of his ex. ... Infidelity isn't what I was wanting. I didnt realize then that that was what I was doing. Back then it was a hidden friendship that I thought wasn't a huge deal at the time because I trusted myself and knew I never wanted to be with him physically or in a relationship. Well fair enough. I think it's certainly positive that you appreciate your husband + I'm still not sure why you decided to hide this friendship. Assuming you both can get past this, the (to me at least) obvious thing to do is to be transparent and keep any/all friendships open. Since they are just friendship, keeping any texts undeleted in case your spouse wants to look at them is IMO a good practice as well. If you want to forbid yourself from all male friendships or similar as you mentioned, well, that's up to you. Seems like overkill to me. I wouldn't go starting any up in the near term, though, given how your husband feels. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted November 9, 2020 Author Share Posted November 9, 2020 On 11/4/2020 at 9:29 AM, pepperbird2 said: It sounds to me like you've begun a journey of learning about yourself. It may not be an easy one, but it will hopefully be well worth it. I'm always surprised by how things in our past can colour our behaviour in ways we don;t even know. For me, I was adopted. I've always found it very hard to trust anyone, and operate form the perspective that they already have one foot out the door. The counsellor my husband and I saw for an unrelated issue pointed that out. Is there something like that in your past? Maybe your parents split , that sort of thing? At any rate, I did want to commend you for being willing to do all this work on yourself. That takes a lot of courage. I honestly don't know. My parents are still together. However they do have a horrible marriage and I don't know why they are still together. Especially as I've gotten older. Thank you for your words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted November 9, 2020 Author Share Posted November 9, 2020 On 11/4/2020 at 11:09 AM, mark clemson said: Well fair enough. I think it's certainly positive that you appreciate your husband + I'm still not sure why you decided to hide this friendship. Assuming you both can get past this, the (to me at least) obvious thing to do is to be transparent and keep any/all friendships open. Since they are just friendship, keeping any texts undeleted in case your spouse wants to look at them is IMO a good practice as well. If you want to forbid yourself from all male friendships or similar as you mentioned, well, that's up to you. Seems like overkill to me. I wouldn't go starting any up in the near term, though, given how your husband feels. I can live my life without friendships with men. The only friendship I need from a man is my husband's. He really is my best friend and the only person who has ever really been there for me. I hate that I let myself ruin what we had. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 Hopefully he'll be able to get past it. As for the friendships, that's all well and good IF that's what you personally are content with. Since there was no "no friends" boundary to even cross, you should have just kept things transparent instead of hiding them. This never would have become an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted November 14, 2020 Author Share Posted November 14, 2020 On 11/9/2020 at 4:31 PM, mark clemson said: Hopefully he'll be able to get past it. As for the friendships, that's all well and good IF that's what you personally are content with. Since there was no "no friends" boundary to even cross, you should have just kept things transparent instead of hiding them. This never would have become an issue. I know I shouldve. There's alot I shouldve done and there is alot I shouldn't have done. I wish I could go back in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 On 10/22/2020 at 1:58 AM, 4paws said: It started because I went out for a friend's birthday and stayed out til 4 due to events that happened that night. He heard my friends neighbor asking everyone to keep it down and that's what caused him to go through my phone records. The above quote was from another thread you had started about the same issue: I have a question the above quote you say this is what started your husband to check of the phone records. Why were you out to 4:00am? Did you stay out that late without even a call or text to your husband? Telling him what was up so he would not be worried? Also, did you tell him everything about that night? Who all was there? The entire issue that caused you not to get home until 4 in the morning? I was just curious why nothing more was mentioned about this night when it was what started this entire problem. I wish you and your husband the best of luck. One final comment, if you did tell your husband about the events that caused you to be out until 4 in the morning he must not have believed it to still go and check the phone records. Plus after checking the phone records there must have been something in the current phone records and did not go with what you had said for him to start checking back even further into the phone records just my observation. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 On 11/13/2020 at 9:16 PM, 4paws said: I know I shouldve. There's alot I shouldve done and there is alot I shouldn't have done. I wish I could go back in time. Don't backpedal. He's an alcoholic and you need a therapist, attorney and Al-Anon to manage this and extricate yourself from this horrendous mess. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 OP, a recap of what you have done to recover your marriage from your affair please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 On 12/15/2020 at 8:43 AM, oldtruck said: OP, a recap of what you have done to recover your marriage from your affair please. I have been watching Affair Recovery videos, I have tried numerous therapists. Individual and couple. I took a polygraph test, I gave all my passwords and account info to my husband, I bought and have been reading Not Just Friends. And I have been taking steps to fully understand my part in everything and own all ive done. I will say in the beginning I wasnt putting in enough work, not true work anyway and im trying make up for it. Link to post Share on other sites
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