I was casually seeing a guy for a year and found out he never broke up with his girlfriend.

[ProblemWorldly]

I started seeing a guy (we're both 27) last August 2019 B.C. (before corona LOL) and he told me he had just gotten out of a 2-year relationship. I didn't pressure him into making me his girlfriend or anything like that as I felt like I myself was too busy with work, didn't have time even for myself, and won't be able to fully invest in a relationship. We saw each other a few times each month during weekends, and in about 2 months of seeing each other, started sleeping together. 

I liked him a lot and I could see potential in what we had translating into something long term. We had a lot of similarities in terms of personality and had insane chemistry; our values and what we wanted out of life were congruent. He often told me that he saw a lot of qualities in me that made me "endgame" material. Whatever that meant. 

I brought up exclusivity around March of this year (as I hadn't been seeing/dating anyone else besides him) and he told me that even though he had not made a conscious effort to be exclusive, he said he wasn't seeing anyone else either. (I was just afraid of catching STDs in case he was sleeping around.) I took that to mean that he didn't know anyone else he wanted to date at the time.

We never became an official couple as he said he was going through a lot of things that he needed to prioritize. He also wasn't in the best place mentally and financially and felt like he wouldn't be able to step up and give anyone what he wanted to give and what he knew he was capable of giving. A relationship just wasn't one of his priorities. I could tell he was being truthful; he was going through a lot of things. I did my best to be there for him but kept distant. 

Around May of this year, we had an argument that caused us to stop talking to each other for about a month/month and a half. I found out via snooping on Facebook that he was hanging out with his ex again during the time we weren't seeing each other. I didn't lose my cool and kept no contact. I focused on work and started playing the piano again (something I had always wanted to do). 

He reached out around July and was curious about me (probably since I had been keeping silent). He asked me what I had been up to during my spare time, what time I slept and woke up. I answered politely. I didn't bring up that I knew he was hanging out with his ex again. 

And then he asked me: "Are you talking to anyone else?" 
To which I responded to: "Why do you want to know?" 
To which he said: "I guess I was just checking to see if you were still interested in me." 
To which my reply was: "Why do you want to know if I'm still interested in you?" 
"I just want to know." 

Nothing came out of that. He didn't reach out again. But I still had been curious as to why he asked me what he did as I knew he was hanging out with his ex again. So I reached out this time about 2 weeks later (in retrospect, I think this was a mistake) and asked him why he asked me if I were still interested in him. 

"I was sad at that time. I was thinking of going to my happy place -- you were my happy place -- and I was just gauging whether or not I should even think that since we weren't talking anymore. Stop pretending you care and I'm sorry to have bothered you that time. I'm okay now. But I'd want to see you again." 

I agreed on seeing him and he picked me up from my place. We started dating again from then on but the dates were far more sporadic and he didn't reach out as often as he did before. 

I guess it was my fault that I assumed that he wasn't seeing his ex anymore since we were technically dating again because he told me that he never saw a future with her. They weren't compatible sexually and sexual compatibility was important to him. 

We had a pregnancy scare around August of this year and I could tell it terrified him (we relied on withdrawal). I had been 10 days late and had 5 negative results. Probably just hormones. He wanted to have kids but he wasn't ready to have kids. No finances, no plans, and he told me everything he was going through and why me being pregnant now would just send him over the brink. He was also planning on moving (which I had known about). He didn't mention the ex (and he still doesn't know that I know). I told him I understood, left him alone, and gave him space. Space made him uncomfortable. He said he didn't mean he wanted to be left alone alone, he said he wanted to keep seeing me but.. but.. Ah, the classic tantrum of a guy wanting to have his cake and eat it too. 

2 weeks ago he picked me up from my place and go to his. I saw his room had birthday decorations and knew it had been the ex's birthday. I didn't say anything as I didn't trust myself at the time. He didn't say anything either. 

I confronted him a week later via text. I told him I knew he was with his ex again and that whole situation wasn't something I wanted to get involved in. I told him that it didn't matter to me whatever his situation was with her, but that honesty and transparency were important to me. He should've given me a choice on whether or not I wanted to be involved in that whole mess. And that because of his dishonesty, I didn't see a future with him anymore. 

His response was: "I understand why you would think that and I think it's better that you think of me as an a**h*** than have to explain myself why you shouldn't. I'm sorry I never stepped up to become the person you wanted me to be, and it's pretty obvious that I'm the reacher in our relationship. You deserve way better than me. I'm finally moving this month; everything has been finalized. And I sincerely hope we get the happiness that we both deserve." 

I asked him to tell me the day he would be moving and he said he would. We had not talked since. 

I'm heartbroken and confused. But I guess this is for the best. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Now that you know this nebulous laissez faire approach never works,use that as a learning experience.

You now also know that jumping into others on/off mess.. Isa sure route to headache and heartaches.

Don't sacrifice a year of your life on these no win situations.

Pull back, reflect on what you want and what type of relationship and what type of men are right for you.

Dating is not social work. Don't try to fix or change anyone. If you see this many red flags and hear this many lame excuses, next time...Run👟👟

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like you're well rid of him, first and foremost. He was not committing in the way you'd hoped and seems too distant to really develop a relationship with. 

But I am also unclear how you surmise that he never broke up with his ex to begin with? It seems obvious that they're on-off but I don't see where you confirmed that they've been together the entire time, unless I'm missing something. 

[FMW]

Instead of you telling him what his situation was (from what you could gather online) why didn't you just straight up ask?  And his response that it was better for you to think he was an a**h*** rather than explain to you why he wasn't is just a cop out. 

It doesn't sound like either of you have great communication skills.  I understand taking it more casual to begin with, but before you get to heartbroken and confused you need to start asking questions.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

4 hours ago, ProblemWorldly said:

I started seeing a guy (we're both 27) last August 2019 B.C. (before corona LOL) and he told me he had just gotten out of a 2-year relationship. I didn't pressure him into making me his girlfriend or anything like that as I felt like I myself was too busy with work, didn't have time even for myself, and won't be able to fully invest in a relationship. We saw each other a few times each month during weekends, and in about 2 months of seeing each other, started sleeping together. 

I liked him a lot and I could see potential in what we had translating into something long term. We had a lot of similarities in terms of personality and had insane chemistry; our values and what we wanted out of life were congruent. He often told me that he saw a lot of qualities in me that made me "endgame" material. Whatever that meant. 

I brought up exclusivity around March of this year (as I hadn't been seeing/dating anyone else besides him) and he told me that even though he had not made a conscious effort to be exclusive, he said he wasn't seeing anyone else either. (I was just afraid of catching STDs in case he was sleeping around.) I took that to mean that he didn't know anyone else he wanted to date at the time.

We never became an official couple as he said he was going through a lot of things that he needed to prioritize. He also wasn't in the best place mentally and financially and felt like he wouldn't be able to step up and give anyone what he wanted to give and what he knew he was capable of giving. A relationship just wasn't one of his priorities. I could tell he was being truthful; he was going through a lot of things. I did my best to be there for him but kept distant. 

Around May of this year, we had an argument that caused us to stop talking to each other for about a month/month and a half. I found out via snooping on Facebook that he was hanging out with his ex again during the time we weren't seeing each other. I didn't lose my cool and kept no contact. I focused on work and started playing the piano again (something I had always wanted to do). 

He reached out around July and was curious about me (probably since I had been keeping silent). He asked me what I had been up to during my spare time, what time I slept and woke up. I answered politely. I didn't bring up that I knew he was hanging out with his ex again. 

And then he asked me: "Are you talking to anyone else?" 
To which I responded to: "Why do you want to know?" 
To which he said: "I guess I was just checking to see if you were still interested in me." 
To which my reply was: "Why do you want to know if I'm still interested in you?" 
"I just want to know." 

Nothing came out of that. He didn't reach out again. But I still had been curious as to why he asked me what he did as I knew he was hanging out with his ex again. So I reached out this time about 2 weeks later (in retrospect, I think this was a mistake) and asked him why he asked me if I were still interested in him. 

"I was sad at that time. I was thinking of going to my happy place -- you were my happy place -- and I was just gauging whether or not I should even think that since we weren't talking anymore. Stop pretending you care and I'm sorry to have bothered you that time. I'm okay now. But I'd want to see you again." 

I agreed on seeing him and he picked me up from my place. We started dating again from then on but the dates were far more sporadic and he didn't reach out as often as he did before. 

I guess it was my fault that I assumed that he wasn't seeing his ex anymore since we were technically dating again because he told me that he never saw a future with her. They weren't compatible sexually and sexual compatibility was important to him. 

We had a pregnancy scare around August of this year and I could tell it terrified him (we relied on withdrawal). I had been 10 days late and had 5 negative results. Probably just hormones. He wanted to have kids but he wasn't ready to have kids. No finances, no plans, and he told me everything he was going through and why me being pregnant now would just send him over the brink. He was also planning on moving (which I had known about). He didn't mention the ex (and he still doesn't know that I know). I told him I understood, left him alone, and gave him space. Space made him uncomfortable. He said he didn't mean he wanted to be left alone alone, he said he wanted to keep seeing me but.. but.. Ah, the classic tantrum of a guy wanting to have his cake and eat it too. 

2 weeks ago he picked me up from my place and go to his. I saw his room had birthday decorations and knew it had been the ex's birthday. I didn't say anything as I didn't trust myself at the time. He didn't say anything either. 

I confronted him a week later via text. I told him I knew he was with his ex again and that whole situation wasn't something I wanted to get involved in. I told him that it didn't matter to me whatever his situation was with her, but that honesty and transparency were important to me. He should've given me a choice on whether or not I wanted to be involved in that whole mess. And that because of his dishonesty, I didn't see a future with him anymore. 

His response was: "I understand why you would think that and I think it's better that you think of me as an a**h*** than have to explain myself why you shouldn't. I'm sorry I never stepped up to become the person you wanted me to be, and it's pretty obvious that I'm the reacher in our relationship. You deserve way better than me. I'm finally moving this month; everything has been finalized. And I sincerely hope we get the happiness that we both deserve." 

I asked him to tell me the day he would be moving and he said he would. We had not talked since. 

I'm heartbroken and confused. But I guess this is for the best. 

You put yourself in the position of being a FWB, without the actual friendship. Don’t do that to yourself in the future. 

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, ProblemWorldly said:

I didn't bring up that I knew he was hanging out with his ex again. 

You should have instead of playing games that backfired on you.

5 hours ago, ProblemWorldly said:

We had a pregnancy scare around August of this year

He didn't mention the ex (and he still doesn't know that I know).

She's his girlfriend, not his ex.

[Hpchic]

I’m sorry but my take away form this is, you started sleeping with him in October but it wasn’t until March that you became concerned about catching an STD?  Also he wasn’t sexually compatible with his ex and yet he dated her for two years and probably still is, this guy is just a bs artist. 
 

That last text he sent you is just him feeding you more bs, you’re too good for him (which you are) so he can’t be with you.  I always say if they think you’re so great they’re not going to give you up that easily.  He wants to be with his ex, that’s why he wouldn’t commit to you for over a year.

 

 

[elaine567]

Seems to me when women decide to volunteer for a casual relationship, they do not realise that that is all it will ever be.
They get involved with guys "looking for casual", and that can encompass many different kinds of guys, players, attached guys, married guys, commitment phobes, the emotionally unavailable, the damaged, the hurt, the free spirits, the liars, the guys who don't give a damn...

Rarely are these guys looking for a relationship or commitment.
They think they have chosen a woman of similar disposition and attitude, so they don't see her as relationship material...
As time goes on, the woman  gets feelings and thinks she can convert this casual relationship into something serious, but that is not how it usually works.
She has already been put  in the "casual" box and if he does happen to want a relationship, he will look elsewhere for a "proper" woman.

Men like this, do very well in  casual relationships they don't get "the feels" and they are happy with the sex and companionship with no labels.
It is all about them, if it works for him fine, if not then he moves on.
He sees no future, he never did, so never really gets invested.

Women it seems to me are pretty good at writing stories in their head and excusing  all sorts of red flags in an attempt to get what they want.
They concoct a fairy tale, a Hollywood Rom-Com around some guy, and are heartbroken when real life intervenes.

[Miss Spider]

Yes there’s a lot of men who have that attitude towards women, but people typically choose casual relationships with people who do not check their relationship boxes from the get-go.