Gringrots Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, What I did was unacceptable, I am going to try and put thus right and I need your help. I am a she, my friend is a He. We were close, and I met a guy. We got serious and I started distancing from my friend, the UK is in lockdown so that didn't help. I didn't see my ex-husband was abusing me, We've split and I'm back with my parents. I had not properly spoke to my friend for a while. I had out of being forced to block him on social media. Everything except whatsapp. Where we did exchange a few messages. About 2 months ago I got married. A week after getting married, I got a message from my friend on whatsapp. congratulating me on my wedding. He saw it on someones facebook. He doesn't understand why I've been so distant, nor does he understand why I didn't tell him. He said he understands my position on our friendship. He thanked me for the good times and that I need not worry about him or our "friendship" anymore because he won't bother me again nor will he contact me again. I deserved this, I was a terrible friend. Once I left my ex. I went to where he lived. He doesn't have any family and he lived with an old lady as her lodger. I knock on and I find his landlady in a state when I ask for him. She said "I've not seen him for a while. I hope he isn't in any trouble, he is a good boy. He said he had to go away but he is still giving me his board". We sit down and she keeps telling me about all the things he fixed around the place, How he connected her to the internet and e-mail. How he got her a kindle. I explained who I was and what had happened. She said "He was very upset after that. Then he had to go away with work. She said she e-mails him off his kindle, but she can't as shes broke the power cable and can't get to a shop to replace it. I spoke with his work and they said due to covid he contract was ended. A friend checked his facebook. and theres been no updates. Does anyone know any way to trace people if they decide to up and go (We are based in the UK) and was thinking of going round to his landladys house again with a new power cable for her kindle. and e-mailing him from there as he has ignored my e-mails. The landlady said if she has e-mailed him he has replied. Or should I take this, he has left his old life behind? I'm just trying put things right. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 1 hour ago, Gringrots said: Or should I take this, he has left his old life behind? I'm just trying put things right. For you or for him? What's your motivation behind this? He might be perfectly fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 16, 2020 Author Share Posted October 16, 2020 31 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: For you or for him? What's your motivation behind this? He might be perfectly fine. I've been a real b*tch to him and I want to put things right, Hes took his stuff and left. I just want to make sure he is ok and put it right. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 (edited) 53 minutes ago, Gringrots said: I've been a real b*tch to him and I want to put things right, Hes took his stuff and left. I just want to make sure he is ok and put it right. Maybe send him an open no-strings apology. He probably is fine if he's replying to his landlady and paying his rent. If you want the friendship back like before, well that might not happen, or not for a long time, sorry your marriage didn't work out. Nice idea getting the landlady a kindle cord, they're @ $10 from A**z*n I woudn't email as her/with her though, it would feel manipulative; just ask her to let you know he's okay. Edited October 16, 2020 by Ellener wording Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 16, 2020 Author Share Posted October 16, 2020 1 hour ago, Ellener said: Maybe send him an open no-strings apology. He probably is fine if he's replying to his landlady and paying his rent. If you want the friendship back like before, well that might not happen, or not for a long time, sorry your marriage didn't work out. Nice idea getting the landlady a kindle cord, they're @ $10 from A**z*n I woudn't email as her/with her though, it would feel manipulative; just ask her to let you know he's okay. Would it be wrong to ask her for his e-mail address confirming its the same one I have? My marriage was rushed, I shouldn't have rushed and got married. I would like my friend back. I know lots of work needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 1 minute ago, Gringrots said: Would it be wrong to ask her for his e-mail address confirming its the same one I have? My marriage was rushed, I shouldn't have rushed and got married. I would like my friend back. I know lots of work needs to be done. No, but I do remember one of my friends a few years ago, he went off and rushed to get married, he said it was all very quick, but we were all a bit hurt to get a mass email telling us after the fact. And I wasn't particularly close to this guy as you seemed to be. Our whole social circle broke up not long after that, we were all just at different places in our lives and moved on. You weren't necessarily 'a terrible friend' you just rushed into a marriage- and paid a price. Sending you a big hug and don't worry, by the time you get to my advancing age lots of people will come in and out of your life: 'for everything you have lost you will find something else.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 17, 2020 Author Share Posted October 17, 2020 Strange turn of events. I had the police call at my parents house today for me today. They asked me to confirm who I was. They then asked to come in. We sat down and they told me my friend had died abroad a month ago. I was shocked, I asked why its taken a month to tell me, they explained that his passport/few personal belongings and details were passed to the Russian embassy of the country who then passed this to the Swiss who then told our Foreign office, who tried to trace his family. They only found me because last time he was in hospital he gave my details as next of kin. Because of Covid-19 things had been a bit slow. Turns out when he was out someone took a dislike to him being western and stabbed him to death. The police explained that because of the length of time that he was buried out in the country. He died thinking I hated him. He died thinking he had no one, Once he died, countries didn't want to tell our government. I was told if I want to find out more I should ring our foreign office who will ask the Swiss to find out more. I'm broken. I don't know what to do now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think he ever hated you. From what you wrote, he understood that you both were in diferrent life stages. May he rest in peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 Sorry for your loss @Gringrots Does his landlady know? Maybe she'd appreciate a friend, she sounded attached to him too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 10 hours ago, hajk said: I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think he ever hated you. From what you wrote, he understood that you both were in diferrent life stages. May he rest in peace. He was hurt, I shouldn't have done what I done. We've known each other for years, He has never been this hurt. I never got chance to say sorry to him, I never got the chance to explain how I've been an idiot and I would love my friend back. He was a bit of a loner, I was his only real friend and I worry when he was attacked and left he felt he had no one in the world. We worked together a few years back and a few ex colleagues said that he was strange and they are not upset. He was such a lovely guy 9 hours ago, Ellener said: Sorry for your loss @Gringrots Does his landlady know? Maybe she'd appreciate a friend, she sounded attached to him too. No, I'm going to go round with my mum, His landlady (who treated him like family it seems) is in her early 80s, So I don't know how she'll react. I'll pop up to the supermarket to get her a cable and plug for her kindle. I tried getting more information from our foreign office. They said they need to ask the Swiss to ask their local embassy to ask the Russian embassy who received the report, as they won't approach the Russian embassy directly. Apparently its the rules. They might never find out more information. Like where he is buried. They won't even tell me what country he was in. I have to go through a process to find out. They will tell me he has passed away but not where. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 I went with my mum to tell his landlady. I hand her the kindle plug and cable and make her a cup of tea. She was thankful for the cable. She asked if I had heard from him as she hadn't and she had some things she needed his help with. She had got a new tv box that she needed plugging in. So I did that for her. I asked if she had any family. Apparently she has a son in Canada. I told her and she said she is going to e-mail my friend and when he replies she will get this straightened out. She didn't take it well. Really don't know what to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 1 hour ago, Gringrots said: She didn't take it well. Really don't know what to do. It's a shock and a bereavement. I've often had an elderly friend I send cards to or visit occasionally with flowers or something. It's hard getting older alone. How are you feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Ellener said: It's a shock and a bereavement. I've often had an elderly friend I send cards to or visit occasionally with flowers or something. It's hard getting older alone. How are you feeling? Empty and feel terrible to be honest. I feel all alone. I'm expecting a text. I won't get that now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 28 minutes ago, Gringrots said: Empty and feel terrible to be honest. I feel all alone. I'm expecting a text. I won't get that now. Takes time. Look after yourself, remember the positive not the negative now, thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 44 minutes ago, Ellener said: Takes time. Look after yourself, remember the positive not the negative now, thinking of you. All I can think of is how I totally hurt his feelings Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 12 minutes ago, Gringrots said: All I can think of is how I totally hurt his feelings We've all said and done things we regret, hurting someone, it's a difficult life lesson. He was a good guy, he would forgive you. Give yourself time to get over the shock, forgive yourself, do something in his memory. Maybe you and the landlady could do something together, and I'm sure he would approve of you helping her with the kindle and stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) I'm sorry, Gringots. This is so sad. Unless you left something out, it doesn't sound like you deliberately hurt your friend. It sounds like you got into an abusive relationship and you were completely out of your depth and distanced yourself from the people who cared, perhaps in an attempt at self-preservation. It's unfortunate. But it doesn't make you a b**** or a bad person. When you're drowning, you can hardly throw someone else a lifeline. All you can do is fight to survive. Then when you're out of danger, you can try and help your friend/reach out to them. And it sounds to me like that's what happened. Once you got out and were able to recover, you tried to find your friend. Please be kind to yourself. You're only human. And you were in a bad place. Don't play down the abusive situation you were in. Don't punish yourself for not being perfect and capable under circumstances that would have limited practically any other human being. I truly am sorry for your loss. Please allow yourself to mourn. And then maybe one day you can do something to honor your friend. Edited October 18, 2020 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gringrots Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 Thank you for your replies. I don't think the landlady wants me to go around again. She thinks I am lying about my friend. I can't start to mourn or move forward, I don't even know where he is laid to rest. When I spoke to the foreign office, they said they'd make enquiries but they are relying on the Swiss speaking to the Russian embassy and the Swiss might not want to act as a go between and they won't push for answers due to keeping relations. I need to go to where he was buried. Mum sat up with me last night. I've not been the best in decision making recently. I shouldn't have got married, I shouldn't have pushed my friend away. He only left because I pushed him away Link to post Share on other sites
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