Is it possible for guys and ladies to be friends?

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The more I read and experience, the more evidence I discover that substantiates that most of the time : 

 

Man friends: would sleep with the woman but something is preventing it (usually the woman herself ) 

Female friends: would not sleep with the guy, but thinks he’s nice. (Or more rarely has been rejected by the guy) 

 

Not saying healthy m/f friendships can’t exist, just that I agree with eternalpessimist that it’s 9/10 an asymmetrical, nebulous, contradictory thing. 
 

It’s just the asymmetry that occurs with humans lack of acceptance and how men would sleep with the majority of women and the majority women would only sleep with a minority of men. Makes for more difficult level friendships 

 

I would not "sleep" with my friends, not with all of them, not with most of them.

And they are loved ones friends, as friends

Once said the above, I may add: Vive la difference! 

[TheEternalPessimist]

On 12/11/2020 at 3:50 PM, Shining One said:

I'm more likely to be friends with a woman I slept with than a woman who rejected me.

That's your choice but then you're kidding yourself about the honesty of your friendship and so is your "friend". 

[Stret]

On 12/9/2020 at 2:19 PM, Blind-Sided said:

Yes... guys can have female friends.  BUT... it depends on the guy really.   I know so may guys who just want to screw every girl they meet.  OR, they look at every girl in a sexual way.  Heck... even my father is that way.  We can be sitting in an air port, and he will say... "Look at her!!"  or some other comment that turns any female into a sex object.  Even female business associates... after a meeting... he will say something like... "She's pretty for her age."  I've actually gotten mad a few times and said... "What does that have to do with the meeting?"  My dad is a great guy, and wouldn't actually do anything inappropriate (Folks been married for 53 years)  But, his mind isn't where it needs to be to have real female friends.

Now... Myself... I have several female friends... and I am thankful for it.  2 of them were my guiding light through my divorce. I've known one of them for 20 years, and the other for about 16 years.  We are there for each other, and we listen to each other's issues... and we can cry on each other's shoulders.  We can get together, and chat, have coffee, have dinner, hang out at each other's houses... and it's never gone past a friendship.  And because they both mean so much to me... I would never let that change. 

Are these two friends pretty and attractive ladies?

[Blind-Sided]

@StretYes they are.  But what does that have to do with anything?  Simply asking that question means you aren't in the mindset to have a female friend.  And honestly... the more "Pretty and Attractive" a woman is... just means they are higher maintenance.  LOL.  

OK... here's the deal.  A woman is akin to a car to me.   I can look at a Ferrari, and appreciate it for it's beauty.  But it doesn't mean I want it because it's too expensive, not practical, and cost too much to keep up.  I need a truck.  Tough, and dependable.   So... to me... the part of a woman that makes me want her is her mind and heart.  (FYI, I'm highly educated, and simply can't do dumb) And because I have a mind... I know that a friend is not something to be taken lightly.  It's a relationship all of it's own... and takes time to grow... just like having a GF/Wife.   And because I have a mind... I can keep it in my pants, and not let my mind drift the wrong way.  That's why I have strong relationships with girls that have been uncompromised for +20 years.   In a way... a good, strong friendship with a woman is like having another "Mom".   She will tell you the truth, and not hold punches.  AND... is a great shoulder to cry on when it's needed. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Katkats7777]

They can be, I know plenty of people who were "just friends" in college that became boyfriend/girlfriend in time. I mean, its one of those things, where to even BE friends with the opposite sex who have to be somewhat attractive/be attracted to them or some "leach." 

[dramafreezone]

I guess my question is if you want to find someone that you have no attaction and thus never want to develop a romatic relationship, but you want to bond over shared interests, why does your friend have to be a woman?  Kind of a weird question you've asked in that context.

Just seems like it would be much easier to find a guy friend so the issue of sexuality is nonexistent, assuming you're straight.

[basil67]

Define "friends"

Are we talking about a person who we can speak easily with and are happy to catch up with on a semi regular basis?  Or is it a "friendship" which is essentially a relationship substitution, where each is in the other's back pocket all the time?

The former is very possible and the latter will messy.

 

[poppyfields]

On 10/17/2020 at 6:19 AM, Happy Lemming said:

A while back, I did briefly date one woman (who dumped me) but wanted to maintain a friendship (not an FWB arrangement).  I have no idea why she pushed for this platonic friendship, but I said "No thank you, I had enough friends".

That's funny Lemming, I dated a guy years ago; when I dumped him and asked to be friends (sincerely) he actually got angry and said the exact same thing!  "No thanks, I have enough friends."😳

I think it's a shame that men and women can't be friends, each could offer a perspective different from your same gender friends.

I have a male friend on this forum (he knows who he is) and he has helped me A LOT!!  We are both in serious relationships, it's truly just a friendship.

Edited January 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[TheEternalPessimist]

You can be friends with the opposite gender, just not after you've dated and/or slept together. 

[central]

40 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

You can be friends with the opposite gender, just not after you've dated and/or slept together. 

That's true for some.  I am friends with several women I've dated and slept with, without any hidden agendas.

[Uruktopi]

This thread or, more accurately said, a lot of posts in it makes me feel alien...🤔

Since young through now in my mature years, I had and have as much women as friends as I do have men. 

True loved friends in both cases. For long, long years, decades with some of them.  

True that attraction may happen, sometimes. So true that not a few of my friends married each other.

Besides that, almost a human thing I guess, we all value friendship fiercly.

And dating is not the only one possible interaction, even if a happy one.

Should I ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist for such bias?

 

 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Uruktopi said:

a lot of posts in it makes me feel alien

You're not alien or alone in your experience. 

I'm a woman.  Men and women generally have different approaches and ways of viewing and dealing with a lot of different things.  I very much value my friendships with both men and women, I get things from one that I can't get from another.   

One of my closest friends in high school was a guy.  I have guy friends now, in varying depths of friendship.  If you're tuned in and paying attention to the person (and not just wanting their attention), it's not hard to spot when someone is interested in you in more than a platonic way.  You don't nurture or entertain a friendship in that situation.  I don't flirt with my guy friends, act girly or accept favors that lead them to believe they have a shot at something more.  I deal with them as individual people that I have an intellectual connection with.  If a guy isn't interested in only that kind of connection it's easy to see, no big deal, I just don't try to make them my buddy.

As far as attraction goes, we aren't animals that have to pounce on everything that might look good to us.  So you can find a friend attractive, you just have to not have the need to take a shot with them.         

 

 

[Uruktopi]

47 minutes ago, FMW said:

You're not alien or alone in your experience. 

I'm a woman.  Men and women generally have different approaches and ways of viewing and dealing with a lot of different things.  I very much value my friendships with both men and women, I get things from one that I can't get from another.   

One of my closest friends in high school was a guy.  I have guy friends now, in varying depths of friendship.  If you're tuned in and paying attention to the person (and not just wanting their attention), it's not hard to spot when someone is interested in you in more than a platonic way.  You don't nurture or entertain a friendship in that situation.  I don't flirt with my guy friends, act girly or accept favors that lead them to believe they have a shot at something more.  I deal with them as individual people that I have an intellectual connection with.  If a guy isn't interested in only that kind of connection it's easy to see, no big deal, I just don't try to make them my buddy.

As far as attraction goes, we aren't animals that have to pounce on everything that might look good to us.  So you can find a friend attractive, you just have to not have the need to take a shot with them.         

 

 

Agree with you with no doubts

[Blind-Sided]

15 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

You can be friends with the opposite gender, just not after you've dated and/or slept together. 

I agree with this.  Once the relationship crosses from friends to lovers... it will forever be different. 

I can honestly say... I've never wanted to be friends with a girl I dated.  

[salparadise]

On 1/1/2021 at 1:12 PM, poppyfields said:

That's funny Lemming, I dated a guy years ago; when I dumped him and asked to be friends (sincerely) he actually got angry and said the exact same thing!  "No thanks, I have enough friends."😳

I think it's a shame that men and women can't be friends, each could offer a perspective different from your same gender friends.

I have a male friend on this forum (he knows who he is) and he has helped me A LOT!!  We are both in serious relationships, it's truly just a friendship.

There are a lot of variables, and a narrow range of circumstances in which it's possible. It's always going to be easier if both are otherwise partnered (and the partners aren't jealous). It's always going to be easier for the dumper vs. the dumpee... and probably easier for women than for men. Maybe I've just had bad luck, or maybe it's something about me, but my experience is that it eventually fails.

I've had three situations recently... the first was a woman with whom there was no sexual desire on either side, but she still ended up having strange expectations of me, boundary issues, and me-me-me judgmental attitude. I finally enforced a boundary and that was the end of that.

The second one developed feelings, and as a woman who was used to being the chooser, she was dumbfounded that I wasn't entranced once she openly made herself available. We tried twice, and both times she wanted what she wanted, and after accepting that I wasn't cooperative she still had expectations that I should be treating her like a girlfriend rather than as a friend. She accused me of only making time for her when it was convenient... yea, she wasn't my top priority and I wasn't up for everything she suggested. NC

The third... we started dating because we had a mutual friend who strongly urged me to go for it, and I'm certain that it was she (the one I dated) who was behind the persistence (we had already been introduced). We had a slow start due to a series of life events that weren't anyone's fault, and then with COVID we were being cautious. Eventually I decided it needed a push, so I told her that trying to date while distancing wasn't going to work, and that we needed to just be part of each other's family group. I got the friends speech and I told her in that case I'm out. Then she was then upset and wanted to give it a try, so we quit distancing and had sex. Then I get the friends shyt again. I think she wanted a low level relationship (with sex) while she explored her options. In other words, she wanted me around as good company, reliability, and convenience, while she looked for someone more deserving and appropriate for her perceived higher market value. Phukk that. Why is it always about meeting their needs? 

I'm as frustrated with dating as I am trying to be friends with women. About 98 percent of the pain, suffering and disappointment in my life has been caused by trying to maintain relationships with women. It's easier to be friends with men (superficially), but they don't satisfy the need for intimacy, depth, and understanding. 

[ZiggyZaggy]

I just read through these comments and joined LoveShack to I could add my 2-cents...

I am a woman and have always made guy friends easily.  Most of these are truly just friends, and some have been my friends for a very long time. I don't think I have ever had a "best friends" sort of relationship with a guy that I wasn't also dating, but I have made many solid guy friendships over the years.  I think it's totally possible for men and women to be friends. 

A few examples from my own life:

* As a high school student, I had a small group of friends that were both guys and girls. We always hung out together and none of us ever dated anyone within the group. I am still friends with one of those guys today (30 years later!)

* In college, I had approximately equal numbers of guy and girl friends. The relationships with guys I tried dating ended when we broke up, no more friends there.  But I am still friends with 2 of my college guy friends. 

* (Note that in the above high school and college examples, by "friends" here I mean we are in email communication and that's it, as we all live far away now, though I have visited them all in person at some point).

* As an adult I have had one intimate relationship where I stayed friends with the guy afterwards, and that has been a very special friendship. The relationship ended because one of us had to move away, not because of any animosity in the relationship, and I think that is what allowed us to maintain friendship.

I do believe it depends on the particular man and woman and what they're looking for. If someone is wanting an intimate relationship and the other just wants to be friends, that can get awkward very quickly.

So I believe it is quite possible for men and women to be friends without being in a "relationship" but it really depends on being clear that's what you both want. 

 

[SharpMind]

On 12/3/2020 at 9:10 PM, veronik said:

The truth is that it is very difficult to find true friends nowadays. In my case, the men I meet on dating sites just want sex or for me to get naked on webcam😔. It's frustrating when I meet people who aren't worth it. I know that all people are not like that but I still have the illusion of finding a good friend to have a nice friendship

Agreed...true friends are hard to find.  I've tried to be friends with the opposite sex and have a few in my life now but more as acquaintances...it always seems they want something from my position in society "favors".  It is a lonely world indeed......

[SharpMind]

On 1/3/2021 at 8:39 AM, LizArt said:

I just read through these comments and joined LoveShack to I could add my 2-cents...

I am a woman and have always made guy friends easily.  Most of these are truly just friends, and some have been my friends for a very long time. I don't think I have ever had a "best friends" sort of relationship with a guy that I wasn't also dating, but I have made many solid guy friendships over the years.  I think it's totally possible for men and women to be friends. 

A few examples from my own life:

* As a high school student, I had a small group of friends that were both guys and girls. We always hung out together and none of us ever dated anyone within the group. I am still friends with one of those guys today (30 years later!)

* In college, I had approximately equal numbers of guy and girl friends. The relationships with guys I tried dating ended when we broke up, no more friends there.  But I am still friends with 2 of my college guy friends. 

* (Note that in the above high school and college examples, by "friends" here I mean we are in email communication and that's it, as we all live far away now, though I have visited them all in person at some point).

* As an adult I have had one intimate relationship where I stayed friends with the guy afterwards, and that has been a very special friendship. The relationship ended because one of us had to move away, not because of any animosity in the relationship, and I think that is what allowed us to maintain friendship.

I do believe it depends on the particular man and woman and what they're looking for. If someone is wanting an intimate relationship and the other just wants to be friends, that can get awkward very quickly.

So I believe it is quite possible for men and women to be friends without being in a "relationship" but it really depends on being clear that's what you both want. 

 

Thanks for sharing your above insights...I find in my adulthood now married that it's possible to have female friendships that are non sexual as long as they are kept at a distance.  My W doesn't seem to approve of me "hanging out" with other women - chatting/texting seems to be okay but anything further raises her eyebrows which is a shame because I tend to get along with the opposite sex 100 times more than males.  Pre-Covid that was not an issue as I'd handle it as a business lunch etc.

[dramafreezone]

On 1/1/2021 at 10:12 AM, poppyfields said:

That's funny Lemming, I dated a guy years ago; when I dumped him and asked to be friends (sincerely) he actually got angry and said the exact same thing!  "No thanks, I have enough friends."😳

I think it's a shame that men and women can't be friends, each could offer a perspective different from your same gender friends.

I have a male friend on this forum (he knows who he is) and he has helped me A LOT!!  We are both in serious relationships, it's truly just a friendship.

Did you read what you wrote?

You dumped him, which means you unilaterally ended the intimate relationship, which means by being friends you were going to get exactly what you wanted out of the deal with him getting at most just half?  I would've said the same thing he did, it wasn't his idea to break up after all, or friends would've been on the table.

You second point underscores the only real way men and women can be friends, and that's if there is a barrier to a relationship.  In this case, you're both already taken.  Other barriers include if there's not mutual attraction, or if one is gay.

If there are no barriers, meaning both are heterosexual and are mutually attracted to each other, then I don't see it as possible.

[Miss Spider]

Just reading these threads made me think ‘ what definition of friend are these people even using’? Not like any friend I’ve ever had. I literally heard someone say they “I like to be friends with someone before I ask them out”
 

I mean, if you’re using the word that broadly then it could basically be anything. And if the question is can men and women be cordial and into each other without expressing that interest or humping each other, then sure....

 

But no way I’m going to treat a guy friend the way I treat a friend that I know has no sexual interest in me. I’m not going to talk about my personal women stuff or about the men I’m into, sit super close, do their hair, whisper in ear, stay over, none of that stuff. Bc I know my guy friend would think I want to sleep with him . 

Edited February 3, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[StrongHands]

Of course, it is possible for ladies and men to be friends (I am assuming you mean without romance entering into the equation).  Sometimes the absolute best insight and advice that a man can get is from a friend that is female.  It is ridiculous to think otherwise.

[poppyfields]

On 1/29/2021 at 9:31 PM, dramafreezone said:

Did you read what you wrote?

You dumped him, which means you unilaterally ended the intimate relationship, which means by being friends you were going to get exactly what you wanted out of the deal with him getting at most just half?  I would've said the same thing he did, it wasn't his idea to break up after all, or friends would've been on the table.

You second point underscores the only real way men and women can be friends, and that's if there is a barrier to a relationship.  In this case, you're both already taken.  Other barriers include if there's not mutual attraction, or if one is gay.

If there are no barriers, meaning both are heterosexual and are mutually attracted to each other, then I don't see it as possible.

I wasn't faulting him DF, didn't blame him one bit for not wanting to be friends.  And honestly, I only said it to be polite, but I have since learned not to, I think it's rather insulting tbh.

I only posted it because I thought it was funny that Lemming had said the same exact thing, verbatim.  😆

Edited February 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[StrongHands]

What's WRONG with being just plain old fashioned FRIENDS........?????

You are WRONG a man and a woman CAN BE JUST platonic friends......it is POSSIBLE

[Mrin]

Dude here. I have several very close women friends. Some are 10+ year friendships. We've gotten sloppy drunk together. I tell them everything, they tell me everything. Sex. Life. Love. Hopes. Dreams. Fears.

They've even stayed over on many occasions. And they're very attractive and sometimes very single. In an alternate universe where I didn't know them, if I were to bump into one of them in the grocery store or at a bar that would be all over them without a moment's hesitation and I suspect they would be very receptive. But! Nothing has ever happened. We respect our friendships too much. We simply became friends when we were in situations that didn't allow for anything more. And we've chosen to stay that way. 

Closing thought - I've found that women can make absolutely incredible friends as a dude. Fiercely loyal. Dependable. Able to keep secrets. And offer amazing advice. But also won't hesitate to call me out on my s***. I've also found that romantic prospects who don't have the confidence to handle me having close female friends are women who aren't worth pursuing. A litmus test if you will...

Just my experience.

 

Mrin

[StrongHands]

Great Post Mrin and WELL SAID....^^^^  I lost one of those friends (that you describe) not long ago and she was so very special and such a great friend.