Not Sure What I'm Looking for Anymore

[RedDevil99]

Hey guys.

Been reading through some threads on this page recently and have seen some great advice. My life is in a bit of a mess at the moment and I could do with some myself.

Been together with my wife for 17 years, married for 5 and two great kids aged 10 and 8. 3 months ago my life was sweet, great job, good family life and everything else that goes with it.

D day arrived in June. I found a letter from OM or should I say boy, my wife was having an affair with a young co worker. She denied it at first but I soon got the truth out of her. I was sick. Lost a load of weight and was a bit of a mess.

She was a mess as well, arranged counselling for us to repair things but started saying she was confused about what she wanted. She cut all contact and quit her job. We started the counselling but it was clear her heart wasn't in it and after about 8 sessions, she pulled out stating she didn't like the counsellor.

We stayed together and things seemed ok on the surface but we were rugsweeping. She was still saying she was confused in what she wanted. A few weeks pass and she says she wanted space and took the kids to her Mum's not far away. 

We were still seeing lots of each other and sharing the kids 50/50. We were still getting along like we did when we were married, best friends.

We had a holiday booked which we still went on as a family despite them being at her Mum's. Holiday was great but there was an underlying air of sadness on both sides. We had a great time and returned a week later.

I got up the next morning and made a coffee and got back in bed, she rolled over and said she wanted to separate for good. That was six weeks ago. She left with the kids again but still perfectly amicable, kids were shared and she works hard to make sure I see them. I leave for work early and she's around in the morning to get them ready for school. I have them all weekend.

This continued for a couple of weeks, we spoke and saw each other almost every day. She started calling me telling me how confused she was and thought she would be happier on her own but didn't think she wad. I said we should go out to talk away from the kids. We went out for a nice meal and i genuinely thought she wanted to reconcile. I pushed her into relationship conversation (a mistake i know) and she tells me she wasn't confused just sad and we were definitely over and she didn't want to give me false hope.

Next day she comes around to drop the kids off and starts laying into me about all the bad things I have done over the years, bringing things up from when my eldest was born, nothing serious but she's held on to every arguement/ disagreement we've ever had. Some of it is justified, not showing enough empathy and saying she couldn't embark on a new career cos of financial struggles at the time. A lot of the stuff she brought up is really harsh.

This goes on for a few days bringing some really bizarre things up. Really hurts cos I know I've been a good husband and a great dad. I come from a broken home so I've made it my job to not repeat the same mistakes as my parents but appears I fell into the same trap.

She hugs and kisses me when she's here, tells me she loves me and misses me on the phone but is still gone. I know this is just talk and actions speak louder than words.She doesn't want to talk about divorce or anything else related to two adults separating. She only took one suitcase of clothes for her and the two kids. She has no job now and no money. I now earn enough for her to not work but i didn't do 4 years ago when she wanted to start a new career. She holds this against me in a big way. I'm still paying for most stuff.

If I had wrote this weeks ago I would have hoped for reconciliation but she's said her feelings have changed cos of all the resentment. She never once told me she was unhappy. She has checked out but still acts like we're a happy married couple when she's around, it is really odd.

I don't think she's still with the co worker but I could be wrong. She is truly ashamed of what she did. I just think she doesn't love me anymore and it was an exit affair. 

Sad thing is that I moved my whole life to a tiny little island so she could be closer to her family so I'm literally on my own except for my boys who I now only see 50% of their lives. I do still want my family back together but realise that's pretty much not happening now.

She was around tonight, laughing and joking but leaves when she's ready. I know about the 180 but it is difficult. I don't think it would be the right approach for me. I feel much better than I did weeks ago. I know she's cake eating but can I try and rebuild a connection when we're together?

Thanks for reading and looking forward to some expert advice.

[emprosnet7]

I am somewhat in the same boat as you. I live on an island with the same population with the island of man. Worst of all we lived on a village so when I left, I lost all connection with the people and a friendly couple we had. My ex didn't want us to have friends because she was crazy jealous with emphasis on crazy. The reason you see the kids is that she depends on you financially. So she acts friendly to you for now. If she had the carrier she wanted she would have kicked you a long time ago, that is why she is complaining about it.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It's great you can coparent this well.

Do not focus on reconciliation.

She is taking all the necessary steps toward divorce.

You need to get an attorney to get advice about division of property and the child support and custody 

Don't stick your head in the sand on this. It sounds like she has already gotten legal advice on steps towards divorce.

[RedDevil99]

I've made some good friends here and got a great job. We were in the process of buying a house together before D day but couldn't agree on a house. I've found one on my own now. I'm 10 minutes away from my kids so I guess things could be worse.

[RedDevil99]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. It's great you can coparent this well.

Do not focus on reconciliation.

She is taking all the necessary steps toward divorce.

You need to get an attorney to get advice about division of property and the child support and custody 

Don't stick your head in the sand on this. It sounds like she has already gotten legal advice on steps towards divorce.

I hear what you're saying but I honestly think she would tell me she wanted a divorce before going ahead with it. She hasn't even brought up the subject and when I did she refused to talk about it. Unless someone else was funding her lawyer I'd see it.

There will be a time when it comes, she can have 50% of everything, I'm not too bothered as long as I can have the kids 50% which we've already agreed and have been doing for 7 weeks.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, RedDevil99 said:

I've made some good friends here and got a great job. We were in the process of buying a house together before D day but couldn't agree on a house. I've found one on my own now. I'm 10 minutes away from my kids so I guess things could be worse.

What is "D day", is this some sort of code for divorce? 

If you are already legally divorced, then just focus on being a good dad

[RedDevil99]

Sorry, I just meant the day she left. We're definitely not divorced. Have to be separated two years here before you can even apply.

She's coming around today apparently to spend time with us. I'm guessing it is more for the kids than me cos she won't see them till Monday.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, RedDevil99 said:

We're definitely not divorced. Have to be separated two years here before you can even apply.

Excellent. Now that you are separated, you're on your way. Are you legally separated?

Focus on being a great dad, excellent co-parenting, etc. so that when the time is up and she files for divorce and custody, you'll have a more favorable stance in custody, visitation and child support.

Your focus needs to be on impending divorce, not trying to get her back.

[RedDevil99]

We're not legally separated. She left for her Mum's 7 weeks ago with a suitcase of clothes and that was it. Nothing else has been discussed except all the things I've done wrong to make her resent me and that her feelings have changed and it is too late to repair.

Custody won't be an issue, I'm already having them 50% of the time and she knows the importance of that.

She hasn't got any money to divorce me and I'm certainly not paying for it so not sure how she will go about that.

[schlumpy]

Are you still supporting her? You certainly are emotionally but are financially?

I would assume she is still with her BF if not someone else. The Wayward wife will rewrite marital history to lessen the guilt of what she is doing.

If you allow her to eat cake she will continue to do so and maybe she will come back when she's out of options or picked up a venereal disease.

I sense that you want to reconcile?

Your only real hope to get back the wife you knew is to go dark. Quit being friends. Minimize your contact with her. Get a legal separation order with rules that both of you can follow. If it's her time with kids the drop them off at relatives for her pick them up. Do not do family activities. Do not pretend you are married except on paper. Tell her you won't pretend to be a family if she objects.

She has to taste reality without you. Be prepared if she decides she likes it. 

There are only two ways to go that make sense for you. She come's back and works with you on repairing the marriage or she out of your life and it's divorce.

What you strive for is to get back in control of your life so you have the best chance of retrieving your wayward wife and doing what is right for the children.

If you are having trouble detaching from your feelings type into your browser "cheating 180." The 180 is program that if followed, should help you over a period of months cope with the situation.

 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, RedDevil99 said:

She hasn't got any money to divorce me and I'm certainly not paying for it so not sure how she will go about that.

Easy. Her attorney will charge you. Happens all the time. If she doesn't work or earn money, her attorney will bill you.

Either way, you're on the hook if you remain legally married.

It sounds like she fled from you with the kids. That doesn't bode well for you.

Get a lawyer.

[RedDevil99]

I can't see her doing that. It will be an amicable divorce that hopefully won't include lawyers.

She's not after me for anything. She knows there's a load of money in our savings account and she'll get half of it. We've already discussed money and there are no issues.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, RedDevil99 said:

She knows there's a load of money in our savings account and she'll get half of it. 

That's not your call. Divorce is not a do it yourself breakup. It's a legally binding contract only a court can dissolve.

But... you seem to be in denial that she'll come back and this will all work itself out with no legal intervention

No one moves out for any other reason than they wish to end things.

[RedDevil99]

I'm not in denial, I would have been a while ago but she's made it clear we're over so divorce is only a matter of time. What I do know is that it will be amicable and we'll share everything equally. She's not interested in money.

She didn't come around today. Said it upsets our youngest too much. Had a bit of a go at me cos I asked him if he wanted her to come around. I said that's the reality of the situation, kids are going to get hurt.